NEW BLOG – NEW LIFE

I am in treatment and I started a new blog following this. It will be a mainly self-assuring, positive blog in which I will discuss my emotions which of course can be negative but with a positive outlook. I try to draw the good aspects out of it at least.

You are all welcome to follow me and I hope some of you trying to recover – whether self-recovery or through a treatment plan – will find it helpful.

Comments are always welcome.
I feel like it is super helpful to see if others are struggling with the same or similar issues.

We can win this.

MY NEW RECOVERYBLOG

ED is over.

ED Assessment at Cedar Springs

So, I had my Cedar Springs Assessment yesterday. Nice people and nice enviornment, I guess. I am still disliking the fact of spending about 2000 bucks on this disease but I guess this is what it takes. I want to win this. I cannot imagine though not to worry about my shape, my weight, what I eat etc… it’s such a major part of my life and yet I do not want this to play such a big role. Life is more than that. I am more than that.
Group was good, too, yesterday. Venting about my professor again
And, I even talked to a couple of my colleagues about what had been going on and they said I should address it and I guess they are right. So today I am going to talk to the Department’s Chair. I will not mention names, but report on what had been going on and what was said. I hope I will not make it worse. What a life…
Anyway, I should get up and go for a run – I’m not really motivated but I guess I should.

Purging at this very moment

Bulimia is evil. Evil as could be. Already binged on two pretzels…. keeping binging and purging… I cannot resist.
It is too strong. I would love to resist… I cannot… I did not went running. I am going to Cedar Springs tomorrow… Help is near. I hope. Hope…
What shall I do. My friend is so skinny. She is perfect. I want to be like her. What do I need to do. She is what I want to be like. I hate mysselg. I gained weight. I am fat. I can’t stand myself on pictures. I want to be pretty. Where is my life? where is my hope…. I want to be myself… perfectly..

Thanksgiving, Nightmares and recent Slip-ups

So, I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving in the first place… I made bread that did not rise enough and was a bit to “garlicee” and salty, the Pumpkin pie crust was great, but the filling a bit too spicy… However, people ate it
Anyway, I waited till about 5 to actually appear at my friends’ place. I did not think it could actually be fun, I really thought it would be horrible, boring and awkward, but it was good. The food and the games and the fun. BUT I binged and purged. I do not know why. I did not really eat too much there, but the piece of pie and the ice cream were a suboptimal idea at almost 12pm… I went home and binged… and purged… ridiculous. Why? I promised my nutritionist that if I would do that I would not work out at all during the entire weekend because it is too dangerous for me. But I eventually went running on Sunday and to the Gym as well… which could be acceptable if I hadn’t had another slip-up Saturday night and again. Ridiculous. I had a great day. It was a beautiful and sunny day. My friend’s friend took me out for a Harley ride and it was simply amazing. But home alone I slipped. I made pancakes and all… binged and purged the food I still had and wished again I had not done it.
It is so difficult to get away from it. I wished I never had this illness. I wished I was normal and had real problems… ruining my health is really self destructive and I am scared to die, because I am finally coming back to life. Which is painful, because it shows me how many people I have been hurting and lost to Bulimia.
I need a new start. Again. But again just tonight I slipped again. 3 times in 5 days. Wow. It’s been a while.
I think there are many factors:
a) stress
b) that professor
c) feelings about Cedar Springs
d) stuff I have to do (paperwork and such)
e) making decisions
f) friends (here and abroad)
g) alcohol/spendings = other addictions
h) men (the ones I am dating, the one I lost, me realizing that I can actually chose, that I do not have to take whoever shows interest, weird isn’t it?)
i) the future

–> I am simply scared and yes, b/p relieves me if even only for a little while.

And Yes, I want to quit, but it is just not as easy at it may sound.

Thanks for all your comments!

Hey y’all,

I want to say thank you to all of your thoughtful and supportive comments.
Since I have started this blog I have gone through many ups and downs and it is good to know that there are people out there in this cruel world who understand or know exactly what I am going through.
I need to apologize for not having replied to any of your comments recently. It is a crazy time, but my thoughts are with y’all too!
I know we can overcome the obstacles in our lives – sooner or later we will be free and happy
We need to believe. Believe in ourselves and the goodness in others.
We are strong people who just got a bit scared on the way and hey, isn’t that normal?
This should not intimidate us too much. We need to fight and we are here to win this.

Virtual hugs and love

Grace

Love and Pain

I read one quote about love today by Theodor Storm… “Liebe ist nichts als die Angst des sterblichen Menschen vor dem Alleinsein” (Love is no more than the fear of the mortal human being of being alone). Storm was deep inside a romantic, while he uses his own experience with love and the painful truth of suffering through rejection and unfulfilled love. So true.
And then I watched new moon and again “love and pain” was the leading theme. In which Bella would put herself into danger just to see him and just to get the vision of being close. Love is so powerful it decides over us whether we ask her for or not, pain is the result no matter what and as many before also Bella agrees that the pain is what eventually shows her she is alive.
I try to tell myself the same thing each day and maybe that is why I am hurting myself. I need the security of being alive. Being in control is one way, but a painful way, because no one can ever control everything and even though my urge to be perfect is so incredibly strong it will in the end just leave me wounded and scared.
I have no sense of what else could be right, whatsoever, I am looking to find the answers to my nightly questions, the key to the lock of myself bearing the power of my soul to lead this life. I am lost still and all I do is try and all I can do is keep moving towards the right direction, whatever that may be.

8 pounds to happiness?

I’m eating, I am not purging, not even working out, I am gaining weight – I can feel it – I am miserable in my body, but I wanna be ok. I am ok. And yet I just want to lose 8 more pounds to be happy. Just 8. It’s not working though, because I eat. But everytime I start restricting I realize that it is not right, that I need to eat, that I need to be ok. And I want to be ok but I want to be thin, skinny, small… whatever… but I am so big and I hate to see my body in the mirror. I compare myself each and every day and feel huge. I evaluate pictures of myself and feel horrible. 8 more pounds to happiness. And I was thinking, if I would gain 8 pounds I would be devastated. Never ever do I want to weigh more again in my life. But then I sometimes see girls who are a bit bigger and they are just so beautiful and pretty and you can tell they love the way they look, they may even love everything about them. And I see imperfection, too, understanding that it makes you unique and special… but I still want to be perfect in every way.
It really is an internal struggle fought on the outside – the physical look of my body. It is ridiculous. I used to be happy every now and then, even at times when I was bigger. But I always carried those thoughts within me, this voice, which I managed to oppress successfully at times. Maybe I need to confront it, maybe I need to argue with it to make it go away. I should try.
I actually set up an assessment day for Intensive Treatment. It is expensive which sucks and I have been spending a lot of money again lately (I always do that when I know that I need it for something else, something important… I just waste my money). I’m not sure if treatment is the right thing for me. But maybe it is. I need to find out, so December 7th I’m taking that one step.

Then I realized that men show interest in me. Everytime I went out in the last couple of weeks, I met someone. But I am drinking each time and I am basically pretty ridiculous. Anyway, I realized that I am not ready for a relationship, that I am probably not really sure what I want in or from a man. I met a lot of different kind of men and they are all interesting in their own way. Even though I am seeing M. now for about 2 months and I like him, and we can talk openly and all that, I am not sure if I really want him to be in my life so much. I am thinking and comparing everything with D.. He is just not leaving me. And I just don’t want to commit to someone right now but at the same time I want stability and security in my life. I don’t know why I think a man could give that to me, but it’s always good to know that someone may be thinking about you, that someone cares and that someone is there if you are in need. And of course, caring for someone, loving someone and making someone happy is just as satisfying if not better. I love to be loved and I love to love, but in the past I made painful experiences only. In the end I was always left alone, rejected and broken in pieces. It’s hard to pick them up each time and puzzle them back together. There are certainly a lot of scares and missing pieces. But does that mean I should give up now? I have always believed. But maybe I should start believing in myself.
Will 8 pounds help?

Bulimia, love, hate, medication and happiness

I had a bunch of slip ups in the last 5 days. Friday and Saturday I had major binge and purge sessions… making me feel like crap and miserable and I do not for the sake of my body health and well being know why. Those were major ones, cooking lots of “FORBIDDEN” food and being miserable emotionally and all that… then again Tuesday night… another slip up. Again, I do not understand why, how or anything that could explain it really. I remember thinking about D. a lot. He is there 24/7. I again wished he would not exist. Not in my life at least. I love him so extremely much. And ye more I do not get to see or talk to him ye more I think about him. It is sad, and it is painful. I wished I knew how he was doing, what he was doing, or with him he was happy.
Also, my thoughts keep circling around his stupid anorexic friend… She told me that she and him were seeing each other. I cannot stand the thought, because she is so crazy, and unattractive and I just do not understand why he would rather have sex with her than with me and that is what it is all about. Sexual satisfaction. I do not want more from him than sex. I just want to enjoy myself and I want to please him. I can please M. which has not been a problem but D. has been the only one I could have sex with that I personally enjoyed. I wished I could have one more night with him. One more. No more than that. One more. I miss him so much.
And yes, I do not only miss the fulfilling sexual moments. I miss hiss eyes and his voice. How can I forget? How? I cannot. I tried drinking alcohol excessively…. but alcohol is just a friend for a second a minute or two or a night at the longest. I need permanent relief. I need hope that life without him can succeed… I need to be loved the way I love. But then again I feel like loving someone more than you could ever be loved is better than the opposite. I have no idea. I am stuck in an internal struggle to find myself and I wished I had, so that I could speak clearly to those who seem to not know a thing….

anyways….

Bulimia… sucks… still… and I wished she was finally gone, but she is hitting back harder than usually. After every slip up I am so exhausted that I feel like I fall asleep without the chance of ever waking up again. It is in fact extremely scary…. I see the lights in my life fading and I feel the motivation to basically slip away. Life is difficult and hard and unfair and yet I feel like I will make it but I need so much strength to do so that I wonder if it is really worth it. I could just get married, have kids and be happy, but I guess my inner voice tells me to go for more.
It’s not a problem at all to call C. and get married and live in Ohio and “just be”… but I want true love.
And yes, I know I alredy found my perfect match and yes, I know he is rejecting me, so.. of course, this does not help…

My conclusion is:

Bulimia and Love are evil partners, like sisters… bad, bad, bad.

Both of them believe in hate…

Bulimia hates me as a person…. physically. I am fat, ugly, I cannot discipline myslef, I am just wrong… I eat too much and throw it up while others starve or I decide not to eat while I have the choice between anything…

Love hates me as a lover, because I am passionate, I am submissive but assertive in my own special way, I am sexual and I love to open my heart to someone who seems to me like he deserves to know my soul…
but I am always wrong and punish myself with a lot of shameful pain…

Disaster… bulimia and love… and hate, too.. I hate people I love because they reject me, but at the same time I understand that they need to have their own opinion and life and ahhhhhhh…. why….

yup… why is why I got meds… to calm me down to tell me I am not crazy although I am. I am extremely tired of life and crazy and wished I could just write a book, kill myself and die slowly while seeing people around me just go theri way. No one would care, so why do I car?

Yes, I need a higher dose.
Good night, happiness is far…
ahead.

Because of him…

I am up each night… Tonight is worst, usually I just wake up every now and then but tonight I cannot sleep at all. I keep winding up in thoughts about him. I miss him so much that it hurts. I keep telling myself that I will be fine and that my pain is just the sign for me still being alive, but to be honest I cannot stand it. I mean I am standing the pain, but these justifying thoughts are just a big big lie.
Have you ever loved someone so madly that your whole world seems slipping because you realized you lost this person due to your own faults, wrong-doing and your being in general?
I miss him so incredibly much and once more I wished I never met him, knowing now that I cannot be with him, because he rejects me. Why? The most superfluous question in this world anyway, but really… why? I am not self-pitying myself but the world is against me. Not only for a day or a few weeks… I am not sure what I have done wrong in the past, maybe I deserve this?
Reminds me on the words of my therapist: BE tender to yourself. Acknowledge negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.
Easier said than done.
I again feel lost in this world. I want to be happy but I am captured in my own misery driven by external forces that I cannot get rid of. And ye harder I try ye worse. And ye harder others try for me ye worse. I think that is even the worst part about it. Again a guy knows better for me and again the guy gets what he wants. I think I do know very well what is good or bad for me, but for some reason I am not being acknowledged and again my own will, my own attempts to live my life are being stopped by others. It is frustrating. I mean, does anyone understand what I am saying in here?
I want to decide over my life. I have never been selfish. I have always accepted others and what they wanted. But I think this is one of the reasons I am so dependent today and unable to really live.
If I could I would change my world, but that would mean being assertive, risking things, setting boundaries, losing people, not being understood and probably judged. Eventually things could get better…. but they could also get worse. Scary. I am scared.

My friends Mia and Ana

So, I made a new friend, but Mia and Ana are very jealous. In fact not only them. Also other “real life” friends dislike my new friend. And it is not fair, it made me lie and it made me feel bad about myself so that Ana and Mia tried to take care of me. Mia especially on Friday and Saturday and then Ana took over. I have fought them though tonight. I had dinner. A good, healthy dinner.
Anyway, so I am glad I made this new friend. She is great. We have a lot in common and we don’t judge each other. I even asked her if she is anorexic and that I was worried about her, because she is really skinny, but she reassured that she is fine. That she actually tries to gain weight, but that her mother is also really tiny… so I believe her, although it is hard to believe. she is a pretty, but dangerously skinny girl. And also my other friends commented on that and said pejoratively that she was sick and anorexic. And they just looked at me like I was stupid when I said, that’s he may be, but that this was nothing to judge someone by and that she may have some problems because of that and that Anorexia and eating disorders in general are mental illnesses. They really looked as me as if I was talking crap. They don’t understand. And because of that it is making me angry that they judge her. They don’t know her. They talked to her a couple of hours-that’s it. Frustrating. So now I realized I would feel bad if i would tell them I was going to hang out with her. And since I do they kind of distanced themselves from me. I hate that. Talk to me but don’t treat me like that.

Anyway, I also saw this guy again this weekend. He was in town for a night and he came with his cousin to meet me at a bar where me and my new friend hang out. I went home with him and we got home at like 3am, staying at a Hard Rock Bar or something that late. It was good, fun and interesting people. And M. and I talked a lot, too, I did not tell him everything I talked about with my therapist but mentioned a couple of things, especially my problem with men and the way my brother treated me when I was younger. I also said that I had bad experience with men sexually but I did not say what happened. He asked me if I ever mentioned it to my therapist… and that I should. It’s difficult though and again, I have said that before – ye more I think about my past ye weirder it feels. There is so much I don’t even remember. I always thought I will never forget my life, but I have. I wonder what my life was like when I was little? It must not have been as great as I have always wanted it to be. I wasted my youth and there must be a reason why I did that.
It’s painful to think about it because I do not have an answer at this very moment, but I can sense the evil as strange as it may sound.

I want to start living again. I want to be whole with my soul and body.
I am working hard to get there but I am stumbling, there are too many rocks on the path and it’s sometimes too dark to see them before it’s too late.