bulimia, anorexia and the thin ideal

Not the best of days, I guess. Waking up feeling awful for having purged. Well more for having binged and not purged enough. Felt strange all day. Fat, depressed, worthless, unwanted… Did well on eating though. Didn’t restrict. Didn’t exercise. I have to go to my bridal dress fitting tomorrow and I am not too happy about it. I feel sad. I feel like lie is too difficult. It’s a pain. I wished I was thin, pretty and loved. I wished I was just normal.

urge…

I did it again last night and I am actually concerned that I will do it today and pretty much for a week when I am home in August. I want to go back to treatment. I miss it.

life goes on

I guess. Feeling a bit numb today. Want to binge and purge. Already had a huge amount of food for breakfast. Feel fat, feel worthless, feel hurt, feel pressured, feel like I have failed him. Why did I not believe in him? I do, but I just don’t know what to do. I want to scream. I should go running. For a long long run. Will do here shortly.

desparate and lost

And now I am lost and I don’t know what. He just seemed so strange in his texts so I went to see him and he cut his arms. They were bloody but not too deep. I asked him why he did it but actually I know. I know why I used to do it. He needed to feel the pain. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel good about leaving him there. But he told me to go to bed.

scared

Being scared. A state of normalcy one may think reading through previous posts, but now I am scared for my man. I love him so much but he causes me so much pain and worries. He doesn’t do that to hurt me and he is hurting himself even more, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try to stay optimistic but feel like I am reaching my own limits. I need to take care of myself, too, but there is just no time. I am so scared that he’ll give himself up, that he’ll stop fighting and lose that fire that I saw in him when I fell in love with him. I sometimes even think he saved me.
And now I am crying and cannot stop, I can’t breath and I am just scared he could do something stupid. We texted (I think he is on the porch and I’m already in bed) and he apologized for being a failure! I don’t even know what to do but tell him that he is not, because he is not and his depressed mood scares me. It reminds me on myself and the time I was down there and yet I am not completely over it. Not at all, but he really scares me.
I need him more than anything.
He opened up a little earlier when I was sitting with him outside on the porch. He wants kids, he wants happiness and he feels like he is far from all that. And now he acknowledged that he is depressed. That is good, isn’t it?
Oh, I just wished I could fix him.
I miss the man I fell in love with but I know he is still there. I won’t give up but I am scared, too.

resisting and failing

So, last week I resisted another urge. And then during the weekend I engaged in exercising and overall actually felt really good and even thought I looked good. Toned not skinny, but slim. But then last night after having been eating and drinking I stepped on the scale. I was not happy but actually I was ok with it. I told myself that I had just eaten and that I had those beers and soda. In the morning however I had 5Ibs more on the scale. Seriously close to a heart attack. Is that possible? I thought I felt good and looked alright. Impossible at that weight. The number has been haunting me all day long! I am so frustrated. I kind of want to starve or binge and purge but what in the world is going on that I am not at a weight that I feel comfortable with. I am not happy that I used the scale in the first place but I am even more frustrated with what it told me and what it does with my head. Because I want to like myself. I want to think that I am not fat but how can I with that number in my neck? And what can I do to prevent getting even fatter. After all I have to wear a wedding dress this summer. Screw this. I want to be overexercising and restricting but I feel like I can’t get the discipline together and that makes me feel even worse and then I drink. It’s not the food that makes me fat, it’s the wine and the beer. But I like it.

another binge

I want to lose weight. Yes. So I count calories again.
I want to be toned. Yes. So I exercise at least an hour a day.
I want to be beautiful. Yes. So I try and try.
I want to be skinny. No. I just want to like myself.
I want to binge. No. But I do.
I want to purge. No. But I have to.
I feel so guilty for not being under control over myself. I want to be in control so bad that I just keep failing, regretting, feeling guilty. And again, today, because I am overwhelmed and disappointed in others and not in love with my life or myself… I had to starve, overexercise, put stress on myself and of course end everything in a self-harming binge and purge session.
Day is over. Thanks. Hope is up for tomorrow!

binge fest

Yups. And I can’t stop. Kind of like a German sparkle party… BAD. Awfully bad.

…and Mia is back again

Wow, it’s so weird. Exactly one month later. Again after seeing my therapist. Is it a silent rebellion? Because I never speak my mind? Because I hold back my pain, my feelings? I try so hard, but my mind goes blank when I step in the room. I just want to appear so tough. Even though I don’t want to. I know I want to break and I have thoughts about wanting to go back to treatment. I really do. I want to be the center of attention, the one in need, the one who is not ok. Because I am not ok. Something happened to me that just hinders me to live, to breathe and to be free. I sometimes see that there is this great person deep inside me, but I cannot shine. I am dull and disabled. Completely stuck. What do I have to do to finally be happy? I thought I was when I found my husband but then he changed and I cannot help him, I cannot control him and now I start failing again. Why can’t we both be ok? I am scared that I need to be sick sick again so that he can be ok again?!

i’m so mad at myself

The headline says it all. I hate myself so much. Why can I not ask for help? I feel so bad about myself. I went to ask for help and couldn’t speak my mind. What I said was bullshit and not the explanations that really are behind my failing. I just don’t want to see like I am looking for excuses. But truth is that I don’t know what else to do. Suicidal thoughts even cross my mind. How ridiculous. It’s all too much and I basically just pay the price for being emotionally disturbed. It’s too much too fight an eating disorder that I have learned to love so much, it’s hard to try to fix myself while trying to fix my husband at the same time, it’s hard to work 3jobs, still struggling and not being acknowledged. I know this class is really not what bothers me but I know it’s what makes everything to boil over. I’m just so disappointed in myself.