Thursdays

Ok, I had originally decided to make thursday my “focus on recovery day”. But wrong… is not working. I have to work. But I had an appointment with my nutritionist today and also with my psychiatrist.
The nutritionist started out with weighing myself. I lost 3 more pounds… I really don’t feel it thought. My friend was here all last week and we did eat and I did not starve and I did not even exercise, so I believe muscles are gone, fat is back, since muscles weigh more than fat… and all these theories in my head.
Anyway, she disapproves with such. At any rate, I told her that I was just so so so so scared of gaining weight. I seriously don’t want to lose more, I don’t want to be anorexic, but I want to be thin. I really want to be thin so so badly. She says – and of course she says that, it’s her job – well, that I really should not lose more. But I am so fat, and I don’t want to gain and I am just scared of so many foods and eating and I feel like I am obsessed with these issues now. I told her and she wants to help me lose that fear and obsession. I am not sure yet, how but I hope it will work. She asked me again on how serious I was with recovery and I again told her that it is just not working for me, like I wished I simply did not have to deal with it at all. But I guess I can’t change it and I have to deal with it now.
We set up a meal plan, or at least talk about different dishes or food items that I should incorporate in my day. We decided on eating 4 times a day. 3 full meals and one snack. More my tight schedule simply does not allow. So, I need to incorporate more protein and more dietary fats… I am kind of scared of those, although I know that protein is even necessary if I want to keep up my exercising. The idea to eat pasta or rice, however, is just immensely scary to me. I LOVE pasta, but it is my typical “let’s start a binge (and Purge)” session type of food. I am so so scared to binge, that I developed the habit not to eat at all, or basically avoid food.
At any rate, she asked me what I wanted to work on with her in the future and besides the things I just mentioned above it certainly is to reestablish my view of my body. I start to believe that I might really have body image distortion, but I don’t know enough about it to really say I do.
I need to do more research and sort things out.

At the psychiatrist I actually started crying. I wanted to tell her right away that things are not working the way I expect them to and that it is all kind of difficult and frustrating for me to understand. I really don’t understand how it came about for me to be the way I am today. I kind of scratched the difficulties I am facing at school, in the department and work-wise. I just cannot meet the demanded standard anymore, I feel overwhelmed and scared. She told me that I have anxiety and that this is part of my depression. Further she said that depression was part of my eating disorder. I forgot to ask what was there first. But probably in the end it doesn’t matter?!
I am not sure. I know I am depressed and I know I have an eating disorder. I know I need to recover. BUT what started out like a journey to find my true self just turned in to be a pragmatic healing process, which may eventually not really help.
Seriously, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My psychiatrist said that I am too impatient. Maybe, yes, but sorry? I need to work, I need to be better NOW. I have no time to waste on this and I just can’t stand myself any longer like this either. The whole process is frustratingly too slow.
BUT, I guess she gave me an option to speed it up: meds! So, serotonin is missing in my brain and it can be helped by an anti-depressant and eventually I will recognize a change. Some people, however, don’t, but apparently the people around. Strange explanation. Anyway, I ALWAYS opposed and refused Meds but I guess it is the only way for me to speed it up.
She said that I should at least try, but she did not quite understand my question on what happens if I then one day don’t take it anymore. I mean, what I know about anti-depressants is that many people fall back into their usual cycles and there is actually a high number of suicidal reactions after stopping the intake. So, I have to do more research on that as well.
Further she explained to me how the situation with Daniel (the break up) has eventually lead to trigger my depression. As well as the time back home. That is why I will not go home now for a while. I believe I am better off here and I also believe I don’t want anyone to visit me in the next few months or year. I really need to beat my mental illness first and then deal with the triggering moments. I cannot run away from Daniel, unfortunately. This would have been my choice if I was in Germany. I would run, fast and far. But here I have no chance, but work in the same building, live in the same city and basically breathe the same air. Plus, I feel like he is the only one who can help me besides my doctors. Emailing him or talking to him does stir up a lot of emotions, but I am starting to accept them and I am staring to work with them or I am at least telling myself so.
At any rate, I have to start taking meds to feel better faster.
Then I need to focus on the little things. But thinking about it now, really scares me. When Paula said it this morning, I felt like she was right, but now it feels undoable, because I ALWAYS have other things on my mind at the same time. It is not that easy. I can lay out plans and set up times, I will still not start doing what deserves priority just like right now when I rather just type down what’s on my mind. And yes, this is exhausting, too.. And it is already 1pm.
Ok, breathe, she said, breathe in deep and breathe out… I am trying, but I feel like my chest is strangulated. I cannot breathe. I am so overwhelmed. And lost and lonely and sad. I want to escape. Paula said I need to accept these feelings. They are not mine. They are coming from the depression. And I know she is right, just like Jenni separated herself from Ed, I need to do the same, just that my Ed focuses more on the destruction of myself than on the obsession with food and weight, although this is certainly one thing my Ed incorporates and performs perfectly well also. And My Ed is called Bulimia. And yes, she is female. And I hate her very much. I hate her as much as I can hate myself and yes, that is a lot. And I believe with every move I can make to eliminate her I will eliminate my self hatred feelings and disgust.
I’ll fight.
For myself.

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Filed under My thoughts and fears, Recovery, The fight

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