Fighting Bulimia

This post is a summary of the last couple of days… weeks… the situation I am in and the thoughts I have had I guess.

So, I am “seeing people” now since May. Seeing my therapist since… let’s say August. I feel like I am finally opening up. I am not sure whether it is because of the medication or because I feel more comfortable with her. In any way, I still think that she thinks I am stupid, and this thought got stronger when I saw her on Tuesday because we talked about me feeling stupid, feeling not acknowledged and minor and I think we somewhat got to the roots of all that. I outlined that talking about my childhood.
She said, that she does not think I was not bright, but whenever people say that I feel like they are just saying that so that I feel better. Additionally she said that she

So, then I also saw my nutritionist today… well yesterday, and she was kind of getting “mad” when I said that I was thinking about not doing Cedar Springs. I feel like I am doing much better. I know some of this might be because of the medication and I also know that meds are bad, and not the solution to my problems, but I truly dislike the idea of not seeing my current therapist anymore. I don’t want to switch therapists. Even though I think my therapist thinks I am a dumb goose who is not sick, and so she is just happy to take some money from some dumb German girl… at the same time I feel like I am making progress discussing my life with her.

And my life is a pain. It is a pain to think about how much I have been hurt and how much I have lied and how much I have failed and … I just hate myself. I remember times of sensing self-esteem, of feeling happy, but these moments have been so limited. And yet I believe suffering is the only sign that tells someone that you are alive. It is just so hard to make it through and I wonder if this is the same for everyone out there or if I am being selfish thinking I am “the only one” having trouble figuring out myself and the world and life and all that.
I am desperately looking for an answer and I feel stupid not being able to articulate my thoughts and I feel minor because I am not doing all the things I want to do and I wished I could start a revolution… on life. On people’s thoughts. And I want to so badly and I am scared that if I try that people could end up telling me I was stupid that I even tried because this idea of changing the world into a good place is simply utopian…
and I know it is. Who could actually change the world?
Maybe not necessarily the world but society? Society is a dumb product of our world. The true personification of it many ways.

Ok, I need to get back tot the main points…
So, my nutritionist says that only if I went to Cedar Springs she was available next semester.
I feel like I was being pushed into this and I feel like she does not believe that I have a problem. And yes, I said I am getting better and I really am, but… oh, I don’t know… I am just scared that Cedar Springs is exhausting or that I will do the assessment and they say I don’t need treatment because I am already better or maybe they don’t even think I need help. That’s what I sometimes think. Sometimes, I just feel like I am not sick. I am fine. I have not purged in 2 weeks. I maybe exercised too much but I have not thrown up. I have not even binged. Not really, at least. It still is a disaster.
I am torn between good and bad, help and non-help (because not needed)…

What shall I do? Spend 2000 bucks on more intensive treatment during which I will
a) not be able to exercise
b) eat what they tell me
c) do what they tell me
d) talk to others who suffer
e) learn a lot about myself
f) have new therapist
g) another dietitian
(I know positives and negatives are mixed up)

or

should I safe money
a) go to chicago
b) go skiing
c) seeing my current therapist more often
d) getting a new dietitan…

I don’t know…