resisting and failing

So, last week I resisted another urge. And then during the weekend I engaged in exercising and overall actually felt really good and even thought I looked good. Toned not skinny, but slim. But then last night after having been eating and drinking I stepped on the scale. I was not happy but actually I was ok with it. I told myself that I had just eaten and that I had those beers and soda. In the morning however I had 5Ibs more on the scale. Seriously close to a heart attack. Is that possible? I thought I felt good and looked alright. Impossible at that weight. The number has been haunting me all day long! I am so frustrated. I kind of want to starve or binge and purge but what in the world is going on that I am not at a weight that I feel comfortable with. I am not happy that I used the scale in the first place but I am even more frustrated with what it told me and what it does with my head. Because I want to like myself. I want to think that I am not fat but how can I with that number in my neck? And what can I do to prevent getting even fatter. After all I have to wear a wedding dress this summer. Screw this. I want to be overexercising and restricting but I feel like I can’t get the discipline together and that makes me feel even worse and then I drink. It’s not the food that makes me fat, it’s the wine and the beer. But I like it.

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