scared

Being scared. A state of normalcy one may think reading through previous posts, but now I am scared for my man. I love him so much but he causes me so much pain and worries. He doesn’t do that to hurt me and he is hurting himself even more, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try to stay optimistic but feel like I am reaching my own limits. I need to take care of myself, too, but there is just no time. I am so scared that he’ll give himself up, that he’ll stop fighting and lose that fire that I saw in him when I fell in love with him. I sometimes even think he saved me.
And now I am crying and cannot stop, I can’t breath and I am just scared he could do something stupid. We texted (I think he is on the porch and I’m already in bed) and he apologized for being a failure! I don’t even know what to do but tell him that he is not, because he is not and his depressed mood scares me. It reminds me on myself and the time I was down there and yet I am not completely over it. Not at all, but he really scares me.
I need him more than anything.
He opened up a little earlier when I was sitting with him outside on the porch. He wants kids, he wants happiness and he feels like he is far from all that. And now he acknowledged that he is depressed. That is good, isn’t it?
Oh, I just wished I could fix him.
I miss the man I fell in love with but I know he is still there. I won’t give up but I am scared, too.

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