Psychology… what!?

Oh this session made me really upset.
I sometimes wonder if she is the right psychologist.
The first session went well I thought. But I am not sure if she caught the idea of what is going on with me?
I don’t just need someone to talk to, although it does feel good in a way… usually, but not today. She – so it seems to me – is bored by what i say, and keeps repeating herself. I am not sure, maybe I am so messed up, that she thinks: ‘Best is to just let her talk…’. I have no clue. I don’t want to bother her, but that is what it feels like to me, and I am not really speaking up, I am afraid. I tell her the superficial things connected to the issues I am dealing with. But I mean, she is not really asking questions. Maybe, she does not understand what I am saying.
And I need help, I don’t need just someone sitting across from me, staring at me when I don’t know what to say!?
What is psychology? What should it do to me?
Well, I understand that she cannot treat me in a day and that she is not a miracle healer taking all the pain away from me just like that, but I mean, she seems so shallow. And then she would just tell me I was depressed and that I need to take care of myself. Fuck it, I do that. I have done that all my life. I have been trying to protect myself, I have not cared about stress and others and yet I am all messed up. I don’t know where I am going. That is my problem. I don’t know who I am. I want to be free. I want to be normal. I want to be able to do my best. I’m not saying perfect.
Oh it is so frustrating today.
And I see this day pass again without me being productive in the way I should be.
I feel so alone in this. So lost.
And then I have to forget about Daniel. But I cannot. I want to be someone else somewhere else. Even if I would have to deal with other problems, I don’t care. No one understands how painful my life is. It is. And I know I could and should be so happy to be me, but I cannot and it makes me feel even worse and more miserable. I want to escape and break free. I want to think positive every day and not just like on every other day for a few seconds, minutes or hours.
I looked in the mirror this morning and hated what I saw so so so much. I wished I was complete. But there is this giant hole inside of me and I don’t think I can fill it myself. I need someone. I don’t need care or comfort or attention, but I need someone who would just hold my hand on the way through.


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Filed under Downs, Recovery

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