Honestly speaking, I real…

Honestly speaking, I really missed being sick. I’ve been binging and purging several times now in the past and it’s coming back – not making me feel too awful. I feel lighter, wake up looking slimmer and have less regrets about food choices. I also have been exercising a bit more now or I just feel like it because I feel like I can tell. I really don’t think “recovery” was all that good of an idea. I am much happier with myself being sick. I don’t even think its a sickness. It’s just me. It’s who I’ve been for more than I am alive and I feel much better with it. So why give it up? To come to terms with not having had the childhood of my dreams? Remembering and dealing with images and memories that are more than painful when I allow them to be the truth rather than imaginations? It’s no fun to realize that people used you to get their satisfaction and it’s even worse to realize that I allowed it. I may not have understood when I was little but I actually did and denied myself when I was getting older. I am stupid and disgusting and all that can help me be ok is being skinny. I want to feel like i can just hide – luke i was almost invisible, like I was nothing. I set my mind to go back. I don’t understand anymore what made me stop and return to the misery of being fat.
All I wanted when I was younger was to be skinny and when I was close I gave up and returned to being fat. I allowed others to determine that I needed to eat more, work out less and stop purging, but the truth is, restricting, throwing up and exercising makes me feel in control and light. It is my way of being strong. 
Even if it kills me someday, at least it’s been worth it.

If I send it t. My therapist will I sabotage myself?

Angst

Anxiety is really a problem lately. Plus, I am not dealing with it right and that just makes everything worse. I’m close to tears and I have been all day. I don’t know why though. Well, I feel worthless, I have self doubts and I am worried. I am disgusted by the way I look and I am disgusted by the way my body feels or by how I feel inside my body.
I am not meeting my own expectations. In fact it feels like I can’t even articulate my thoughts in a way that I could be understood. I want to go home and hide. I just want to be where no one can see or judge me. I feel like a big disappointment, a failure and a burden to others. I have no friends, I am not a social person. I am scared of what will happen next and of how I will deal with everything. Why am I not able to make smart decisions? Frustrating.

bulimia, anorexia and the thin ideal

Not the best of days, I guess. Waking up feeling awful for having purged. Well more for having binged and not purged enough. Felt strange all day. Fat, depressed, worthless, unwanted… Did well on eating though. Didn’t restrict. Didn’t exercise. I have to go to my bridal dress fitting tomorrow and I am not too happy about it. I feel sad. I feel like lie is too difficult. It’s a pain. I wished I was thin, pretty and loved. I wished I was just normal.

urge…

I did it again last night and I am actually concerned that I will do it today and pretty much for a week when I am home in August. I want to go back to treatment. I miss it.

life goes on

I guess. Feeling a bit numb today. Want to binge and purge. Already had a huge amount of food for breakfast. Feel fat, feel worthless, feel hurt, feel pressured, feel like I have failed him. Why did I not believe in him? I do, but I just don’t know what to do. I want to scream. I should go running. For a long long run. Will do here shortly.

desparate and lost

And now I am lost and I don’t know what. He just seemed so strange in his texts so I went to see him and he cut his arms. They were bloody but not too deep. I asked him why he did it but actually I know. I know why I used to do it. He needed to feel the pain. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel good about leaving him there. But he told me to go to bed.

scared

Being scared. A state of normalcy one may think reading through previous posts, but now I am scared for my man. I love him so much but he causes me so much pain and worries. He doesn’t do that to hurt me and he is hurting himself even more, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try to stay optimistic but feel like I am reaching my own limits. I need to take care of myself, too, but there is just no time. I am so scared that he’ll give himself up, that he’ll stop fighting and lose that fire that I saw in him when I fell in love with him. I sometimes even think he saved me.
And now I am crying and cannot stop, I can’t breath and I am just scared he could do something stupid. We texted (I think he is on the porch and I’m already in bed) and he apologized for being a failure! I don’t even know what to do but tell him that he is not, because he is not and his depressed mood scares me. It reminds me on myself and the time I was down there and yet I am not completely over it. Not at all, but he really scares me.
I need him more than anything.
He opened up a little earlier when I was sitting with him outside on the porch. He wants kids, he wants happiness and he feels like he is far from all that. And now he acknowledged that he is depressed. That is good, isn’t it?
Oh, I just wished I could fix him.
I miss the man I fell in love with but I know he is still there. I won’t give up but I am scared, too.

resisting and failing

So, last week I resisted another urge. And then during the weekend I engaged in exercising and overall actually felt really good and even thought I looked good. Toned not skinny, but slim. But then last night after having been eating and drinking I stepped on the scale. I was not happy but actually I was ok with it. I told myself that I had just eaten and that I had those beers and soda. In the morning however I had 5Ibs more on the scale. Seriously close to a heart attack. Is that possible? I thought I felt good and looked alright. Impossible at that weight. The number has been haunting me all day long! I am so frustrated. I kind of want to starve or binge and purge but what in the world is going on that I am not at a weight that I feel comfortable with. I am not happy that I used the scale in the first place but I am even more frustrated with what it told me and what it does with my head. Because I want to like myself. I want to think that I am not fat but how can I with that number in my neck? And what can I do to prevent getting even fatter. After all I have to wear a wedding dress this summer. Screw this. I want to be overexercising and restricting but I feel like I can’t get the discipline together and that makes me feel even worse and then I drink. It’s not the food that makes me fat, it’s the wine and the beer. But I like it.

another binge

I want to lose weight. Yes. So I count calories again.
I want to be toned. Yes. So I exercise at least an hour a day.
I want to be beautiful. Yes. So I try and try.
I want to be skinny. No. I just want to like myself.
I want to binge. No. But I do.
I want to purge. No. But I have to.
I feel so guilty for not being under control over myself. I want to be in control so bad that I just keep failing, regretting, feeling guilty. And again, today, because I am overwhelmed and disappointed in others and not in love with my life or myself… I had to starve, overexercise, put stress on myself and of course end everything in a self-harming binge and purge session.
Day is over. Thanks. Hope is up for tomorrow!

binge fest

Yups. And I can’t stop. Kind of like a German sparkle party… BAD. Awfully bad.