Asking for Help

How do I feel today?
I am not so sure. I went to bed early, at around 9.30pm, but woke up at 12am and then again at about 5am. I got up a little after 7, but feel really tired now. I am seeing my therapist in a bit. Then I have an appointment at the Physician. So, a busy morning. Later I am seeing a professor and I am not looking forward to that. Also, I have to do a lot of gradings and work for tomorrow as well as readings… well, I will get through the day.
I even made it through the weekend and yesterday.
I had group yesterday and I guess I brought the courage up to say what was so heavy on my chest. Although I felt extremely uncomfortable and my voice was shaking and breaking, I felt relieved. It was just good to see, that I actually have not been selfish in asking for help. In fact, I should have physical support. Everyone needs that. But I don’t have it. I almost cried. Actually did. Calling a hotline is no support that I could even just possibly need. And no, it is not selfish to have asked for “more”. Especially in that very moment on Friday, it would have been only helpful to talk to someone. Someone I know and trust, to whom I did not have to say much.
I guess this recovery proves me again, that Bulimia has been extremely powerful. She ruled me and my life, and she is still in charge. To overrule her is difficult and so painful. But I cannot do it alone. I just can’t. I will do it for me, but I cannot fight all by myself. I need support. I should have asked D. if he was really willing to offer support. It seemed like it at first, but I realize now, that he just wanted to be nice. Like most people, they act nice, but really don’t want to deal with other people’s issues. Which is totally fine, but I asked for honesty. Saying this directly is less hurtful, frustrating and dishonest. Yes, I somewhat feel betrayed. I guess I have to let go, and I feel so much hate towards him. I really thought he was a good guy with a great heart, but I guess I have been wrong. I can’t believe I let him in my life. I am so ashamed.
Yet I need to get back up on my feet and walk.
Determined and strong. I will reach my goal.
I am facing her.