Bulimia, love, hate, medication and happiness

I had a bunch of slip ups in the last 5 days. Friday and Saturday I had major binge and purge sessions… making me feel like crap and miserable and I do not for the sake of my body health and well being know why. Those were major ones, cooking lots of “FORBIDDEN” food and being miserable emotionally and all that… then again Tuesday night… another slip up. Again, I do not understand why, how or anything that could explain it really. I remember thinking about D. a lot. He is there 24/7. I again wished he would not exist. Not in my life at least. I love him so extremely much. And ye more I do not get to see or talk to him ye more I think about him. It is sad, and it is painful. I wished I knew how he was doing, what he was doing, or with him he was happy.
Also, my thoughts keep circling around his stupid anorexic friend… She told me that she and him were seeing each other. I cannot stand the thought, because she is so crazy, and unattractive and I just do not understand why he would rather have sex with her than with me and that is what it is all about. Sexual satisfaction. I do not want more from him than sex. I just want to enjoy myself and I want to please him. I can please M. which has not been a problem but D. has been the only one I could have sex with that I personally enjoyed. I wished I could have one more night with him. One more. No more than that. One more. I miss him so much.
And yes, I do not only miss the fulfilling sexual moments. I miss hiss eyes and his voice. How can I forget? How? I cannot. I tried drinking alcohol excessively…. but alcohol is just a friend for a second a minute or two or a night at the longest. I need permanent relief. I need hope that life without him can succeed… I need to be loved the way I love. But then again I feel like loving someone more than you could ever be loved is better than the opposite. I have no idea. I am stuck in an internal struggle to find myself and I wished I had, so that I could speak clearly to those who seem to not know a thing….

anyways….

Bulimia… sucks… still… and I wished she was finally gone, but she is hitting back harder than usually. After every slip up I am so exhausted that I feel like I fall asleep without the chance of ever waking up again. It is in fact extremely scary…. I see the lights in my life fading and I feel the motivation to basically slip away. Life is difficult and hard and unfair and yet I feel like I will make it but I need so much strength to do so that I wonder if it is really worth it. I could just get married, have kids and be happy, but I guess my inner voice tells me to go for more.
It’s not a problem at all to call C. and get married and live in Ohio and “just be”… but I want true love.
And yes, I know I alredy found my perfect match and yes, I know he is rejecting me, so.. of course, this does not help…

My conclusion is:

Bulimia and Love are evil partners, like sisters… bad, bad, bad.

Both of them believe in hate…

Bulimia hates me as a person…. physically. I am fat, ugly, I cannot discipline myslef, I am just wrong… I eat too much and throw it up while others starve or I decide not to eat while I have the choice between anything…

Love hates me as a lover, because I am passionate, I am submissive but assertive in my own special way, I am sexual and I love to open my heart to someone who seems to me like he deserves to know my soul…
but I am always wrong and punish myself with a lot of shameful pain…

Disaster… bulimia and love… and hate, too.. I hate people I love because they reject me, but at the same time I understand that they need to have their own opinion and life and ahhhhhhh…. why….

yup… why is why I got meds… to calm me down to tell me I am not crazy although I am. I am extremely tired of life and crazy and wished I could just write a book, kill myself and die slowly while seeing people around me just go theri way. No one would care, so why do I car?

Yes, I need a higher dose.
Good night, happiness is far…
ahead.

My friends Mia and Ana

So, I made a new friend, but Mia and Ana are very jealous. In fact not only them. Also other “real life” friends dislike my new friend. And it is not fair, it made me lie and it made me feel bad about myself so that Ana and Mia tried to take care of me. Mia especially on Friday and Saturday and then Ana took over. I have fought them though tonight. I had dinner. A good, healthy dinner.
Anyway, so I am glad I made this new friend. She is great. We have a lot in common and we don’t judge each other. I even asked her if she is anorexic and that I was worried about her, because she is really skinny, but she reassured that she is fine. That she actually tries to gain weight, but that her mother is also really tiny… so I believe her, although it is hard to believe. she is a pretty, but dangerously skinny girl. And also my other friends commented on that and said pejoratively that she was sick and anorexic. And they just looked at me like I was stupid when I said, that’s he may be, but that this was nothing to judge someone by and that she may have some problems because of that and that Anorexia and eating disorders in general are mental illnesses. They really looked as me as if I was talking crap. They don’t understand. And because of that it is making me angry that they judge her. They don’t know her. They talked to her a couple of hours-that’s it. Frustrating. So now I realized I would feel bad if i would tell them I was going to hang out with her. And since I do they kind of distanced themselves from me. I hate that. Talk to me but don’t treat me like that.

Anyway, I also saw this guy again this weekend. He was in town for a night and he came with his cousin to meet me at a bar where me and my new friend hang out. I went home with him and we got home at like 3am, staying at a Hard Rock Bar or something that late. It was good, fun and interesting people. And M. and I talked a lot, too, I did not tell him everything I talked about with my therapist but mentioned a couple of things, especially my problem with men and the way my brother treated me when I was younger. I also said that I had bad experience with men sexually but I did not say what happened. He asked me if I ever mentioned it to my therapist… and that I should. It’s difficult though and again, I have said that before – ye more I think about my past ye weirder it feels. There is so much I don’t even remember. I always thought I will never forget my life, but I have. I wonder what my life was like when I was little? It must not have been as great as I have always wanted it to be. I wasted my youth and there must be a reason why I did that.
It’s painful to think about it because I do not have an answer at this very moment, but I can sense the evil as strange as it may sound.

I want to start living again. I want to be whole with my soul and body.
I am working hard to get there but I am stumbling, there are too many rocks on the path and it’s sometimes too dark to see them before it’s too late.

Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

Lots to think about

I actually have to study… I have been procrastinating all weekend and now it’s time to go to bed, getting up at 5 to hopefully get a little bit done in the morning. In fact, I was planning on studying all day today, but I ended up drinking last night with that guy again, and I stayed at his place… lots happened between us, and it was good. It was fun, but I just have to think about D. all the fucking time. He just does not leave me alone. I tell myself how much I hate him, and what an egoistic idiot he is, but it does not help, because I believe so strongly that we are meant for each other, and I feel like I am turning into a crazy creep because I think that, and because I cannot tell anyone, because everyone would say I am crazy and yet i start believe that already without anyone having to tell me. I have never said that before, but I love him so much, it is unreal. I just need to think about him and I am happy. But then I turn it into hate to protect myself from the pain he is causing me, for simply stepping out of my life. He does not care at all. He is only concerned about himself. Which is fine, but I just think he is missing out. Ironic I would say that, but I think he is missing out on me. Me as a wonderful person, the right person for him. It’s so pathetic. I wished he could see that.
I’m still hopeful that if I am done with Bulimia and my depression that I will turn into this great person again, that sleeps inside of me. Maybe this sleeping beauty just needs the rest right now to be able to blossom even more colorful. Maybe I am curing from the inside this way. I will shine. But I fear that I only want to shine for him. It is such a cycle and I want to escape. Yes, I really want to let go, but I cannot.
Hopeless. Helpless.

And now I can also see how I am gaining weight each day… I am getting fatter and fatter, but this guy, let’s call him C., he makes me feel good a bit. He likes my body. I am appreciated for it, so if I get fatter again there is nothing left to be appreciated for.
Because I am such a failure throughout. I cannot even put my thoughts into words. My mind is so messed up. I feel like I know too much as if I was able to channel and filter my thoughts. It hurts not to be able to say what you want to say. It is not good at all. I cannot even summarize a movie, or the plot of something I just read. even if I just read it. It does not work and I try hard and I tried all my life to follow structuring models or whatever. It feels impossible. It always has. It’s bad. Just like all the clutter I cannot get under control.
Sometimes I just want to give up.
It feels unreal to be here. To still be here. I’m not moving. It’s weird, but I just don’t get anywhere. I can try as hard as I want. I try to believe in me. I fight. It’s exhausting.

Life, love, sex and happiness

At tempting to altering my thoughts and changing my viewpoints is what this post is about.
Life. Life is difficult and life is a every-day and life-long challenge. But just because it is difficult does not mean I cannot make it through. I heard this country song today on the radio on my way home, saying things like if life is hell you gotta run as fast as you can to get out before the devil even noticed you were there. I really liked it. It’s true. Just because some times are harder or at least seem to be does not mean that the devil will get you and burn you in his fire. I might lose some hair on the way through, but if I face it I can make it on my own.
Love. Is so so important in life. I don’t understand how people could possibly think, that just by loving themselves, life could be complete. I mean, I understand that if I love myself, things might be easier, but everyone needs that feeling to be loved and cared for. At the same time the need to love someone and to care for someone else the same way one cares for their own is just such a fulfilling idea to me. I want to grow on my own and through my own love, but at the same time I want to share it with someone I trust and someone who trusts me. There is nothing else that could make life even more complete and wonderful. Yes, the big dream of true love still exists for me, and I am glad, I have not become all too indifferent about it.
Sex. Is so so important in life and with love. It is in fact something that helps one another to establish the trust I was talking about and it is rare to find someone you really feel bonded with sexually. Sex has become such a “devalued good” that it is really sad to think about why most people actually do it. Satisfaction is a good thing, but put in touch with love and reattach the value to it, it is even more than just having some fun. Most people forget that it seems, some get carried away easily and some just use it in order to cope with their stress. I am not saying this is necessarily bad, but do it with someone you love, and be conscious of what you are actually sharing. It’s fulfilling.
Happiness. Is the most important in life and a result of love. Seriously, love yourself and care for others and you can be truly happy. Be compassionate. About yourself and others. See the beauty in life, in yourself and in others.
Becoming aware of my abilities, my strengths and also my weaknesses is my task for this week.
I will try to trace them down in order to work on them.

Just this weekend I have again seen some of my behaviors and did not really know where they came from.
I am seeing this guy and he is just so interesting to me. He reminds me a lot of D. and I am scared that this will be the reason why it eventually won’t work out. I am scared because of these similarities in physical appearance and even certain character traits. I might trust him too much because of how he reminds me of D.. There is not a day on which I don’t think about D. Not one minute passes and it still hurts so much to remember him. So, I don’t really know why I am seeing this other guy when he brings back memories. But it feels good to be held. I think I simply miss all these physical connections to someone. Having sex just felt amazing. I still have these control issues, but it feels good to be appreciated. And it is sad at the same time because it is not really me who is being appreciated but my body and the satisfaction it can create. I mean that is a wonderful thing, but I guess it will end in this cycle again. I trust someone. I get hurt. Left alone. Feeling worthless. I don’t know why I always bring myself in those situations. And it is strange, I have these pictures popping up in my head. I cannot identify the person. All I know it is a guy, and i am very little, and something is going on. I don’t know where these images come from, but they scare me. I am afraid they might keep the key for a lot of my suffering.
Yet, I just want to be happy. I really want to let go of all what has been, and want to have my life back under control. I am close to running away. Very close. And I am just so lost in this mess my life is like right now. Even this post displays all the clutter that I cannot get under control. When in doubt, throw it out. I wished it was that easy.

Asking for Help

How do I feel today?
I am not so sure. I went to bed early, at around 9.30pm, but woke up at 12am and then again at about 5am. I got up a little after 7, but feel really tired now. I am seeing my therapist in a bit. Then I have an appointment at the Physician. So, a busy morning. Later I am seeing a professor and I am not looking forward to that. Also, I have to do a lot of gradings and work for tomorrow as well as readings… well, I will get through the day.
I even made it through the weekend and yesterday.
I had group yesterday and I guess I brought the courage up to say what was so heavy on my chest. Although I felt extremely uncomfortable and my voice was shaking and breaking, I felt relieved. It was just good to see, that I actually have not been selfish in asking for help. In fact, I should have physical support. Everyone needs that. But I don’t have it. I almost cried. Actually did. Calling a hotline is no support that I could even just possibly need. And no, it is not selfish to have asked for “more”. Especially in that very moment on Friday, it would have been only helpful to talk to someone. Someone I know and trust, to whom I did not have to say much.
I guess this recovery proves me again, that Bulimia has been extremely powerful. She ruled me and my life, and she is still in charge. To overrule her is difficult and so painful. But I cannot do it alone. I just can’t. I will do it for me, but I cannot fight all by myself. I need support. I should have asked D. if he was really willing to offer support. It seemed like it at first, but I realize now, that he just wanted to be nice. Like most people, they act nice, but really don’t want to deal with other people’s issues. Which is totally fine, but I asked for honesty. Saying this directly is less hurtful, frustrating and dishonest. Yes, I somewhat feel betrayed. I guess I have to let go, and I feel so much hate towards him. I really thought he was a good guy with a great heart, but I guess I have been wrong. I can’t believe I let him in my life. I am so ashamed.
Yet I need to get back up on my feet and walk.
Determined and strong. I will reach my goal.
I am facing her.

Did I not purge enough…..?

I binged.
I can’t believe I did.
I have not eaten anything today and ruined it by a fucking binge….
I will purge. I can’t keep binges in, it makes me be more frustrated…. Oh, how I hate this… WHY??
It does not make sense. BUT I wanted to jot down my emotions before I purge so that I know why I actually should not…
So, I had too much beer. I think that triggered it big time…. Already at the class meeting…. And we had cheesy nachos, I did not have much, but enough to probably make me feel that bad about it to support my binge ideas. So, I cleaned up my fridge from bad foods…
The first bite I took I knew it will end badly and at the same time I tried to tell myself how stupid this was, because I barely had anything to eat today so I could have been proud of me…. Now I ruined it.
Oh it is such a downfall to have down this again…. I was just telling myself how good it was that I have not purged in over a week…
ok… I will be fine. I am a great person, unique and wonderful…. Yuck….. but it is supposed to help… So, I keep going…. What is special about me?
I am overly caring, I have ethical morals, yes, I am an ethical person. I am social. I have a big heart.
But I am being so under-evaluated. I am so in the wrong place. I want to be able to move things, situations, souls and hearts. I am sick of being me in this hopeless form, because I believe in me. I am here for more.
Have me do it.

Oh, I had group today….. it was ok, but I don’t like the other girls. They seem so shallow. That one skinny girl is friends with another girl in group, although we are not allowed to.
I so want to speak my mind in group but I don’t know in how far we are allowed to…. so I stay quite.
I went early though for the check in round. I pretty much learned by heart what to say though, so it went quickly. Although I desired to say more, I desired to use my time, but I said I didn’t need it, because I don’t want to bother people. I just don’t want to bore people with what I have to say.
And then that big girl spoke her mind…. I tried to give advice but by her eyes I could tell how she felt misunderstood…. but to be honest, I hit the point. Anyway the we checked back on a girl who used time last week and she talked again for 30 minutes. Which is fine, if we weren’t circling around a stupid question.
Seriously.
I guess I shall not talk about the contents, so I just keep articulating my mind and feelings on this as good as I possibly can. I was seriously annoyed by how superficial these talks seemed to me.
If I would use time, it woud be about such essential issues that I would feel stupid articulating my mind….

God, I miss him

I just miss him so much in my life.
It felt so good to see him at first.
I wondered though if he reads my blogs. I don’t think so, but sometimes he says things, that I have been thinking about in here and I wonder, does he say it because he read it on here or does he say it because he jsut thought the same.
However, I got really mad at him today, I told him I was lonely, and that I soimetimes need someone to talk to when I am really needy. And he tells me to call a support hotline. What the fuck. First, I don’t want to call a fucking support hotline. I don’t waste money on that. second, that is not what I need. I don’t just need to talk. I need to talk to someone who knows me and cares because of me. Some anonymous situation on the phone is ridiculous, I could get in touch with people on BulimihaHelp or whatever instead and it would be better. But a fucking hotline? It’s not helpful at all. my life is too complicated to tell someone on the phone. If I am needy, in times I am really down, I don’t need someone to tell everything, I just need someone who can hold me and reassure me that I belong on this planet, that not all is wasted. I am not asking for pity. I am just asking for direct and immediate support. And I don’t want to bother him, for he knows how much I miss him… It just is so hard to forget about him. And I really try. I even just try to find another guy to hang out with but it does not work… I trust him so much. It is ridiculous.
And all the things he says are the things I tell myself and yet I cannot incorporate it.

I want to be myself again….

I had to leave fast … I got so upset… I did not want to vent out on him, so I decided it would be better to leave soon. And as soon as I had turned the car around I started crying and I had really bad suicidal thoughts. I hit the road towards Mount Bonnell. I got there and sat on the cliffs. Crying. I sent him a message and we messaged a little back and forth. I cried and cried. and it was good I went there, also I was seriously thinking about jumping down. So scary to think about that now… I mean, I was so emotionally unstable in those moments. But I was stronger. I di not. I am home now typing this. And I feel so ripped up. I feel so split in a half. The one half wants the other half back and be one real perosn the other half is scared of the work and the pain.
And that side is stronger most times.
I am so scared.

Hello, Me! #1

Hello world, this is Me!

At least I am on my way to separate from her (Bulimia) and I’m cutting her out to find my true self.
I gave you a chance to look inside of me in my posts on this blog. I did not leave out the negative days on which I was devastated, binged my pain away and purged my heart out, and yet I will finally try to focus more on my positive side. I can be sad if I want to, yes, but I want to prove myself and the world that there is more to me than this sensitive, emotional and breakable self that relies so much on self-pity, self-rejection, self-hate and self-destruction, that she (Bulimia) has created. She created this self in order to protect my true self, I am sure, but she has taken it to far. I don’t need to be protected from the real world. Not anymore. Yes, that is what the true Me was scared of: the world. Because Me didn’t know what part she is playing in it, Me doesn’t know why she is here, why she is who she is and what makes her real. But eventually I will figure this out.

I had a date yesterday. I don’t want this guy and I told him. However, we still went to see a movie. It was so awkward. Not because I had told him that I did not want to date him and not because I told him again how I miss my ex boyfriend but it was simply awkward inside of me. I was sitting next to him and my mind took off.
If I could have talked to myself it would have sounded like this:

Me: What am I doing here? I don’t want to be here.
Inner Voice: Where, here? You can get up and leave.
Me: I could, but I don’t even know where I should go. What I should do?
Inner Voice: You are lost.
Me: I am.
Inner voice: You could go home and eat, and feel good.
Me: No, that is not why I am feeling bad. I don’t know where I belong. Do I really want to be here? What am I doing? Where is this leading?
Inner voice: You just have to be perfect, finish your work and you will succeed.
Me: I am trying, but I feel like I will lose. I’ve always lost in my life. But all I want is to be happy.

… it went on and on. Then after the movie I started thinking again about if I consider myself happy in this society or in Germany. And it is so strange to think about this. I miss Germany, the country, Europe, the people, my friends, family, but I love America, too. And I never really have a perfect time while I am in Germany. It is so unreal, but when I am here I want to escape to Germany and when I am in Germany I long to be back in the States.
… only when I am in the mountains I feel whole. And it doesn’t matter where the mountains are. I just need to be surrounded by nature’s mightiest power. I feel safe. I need to go back tot he mountains. I need to escape.

It’s all about Heimat. I mean, in defintion my Heimat is Germany. The place where I was born and raised, but I have made so many painful and in a way traumatic experiences there, that I probably felt like escaping that world. Try to find my very own Heimat.
Home is where your heart is, I guess. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to figure it out.
Maybe that is why I am seeking to find true love so badly? Because if my heart would know where it belongs, it would not matter to me anymore where I was.
Only then, I feel and fear, I would know where I belong.

But, I wished, I was selfish enough as to say that I want to be happy for myself in first place. I want to be happy with the choices I make for myself, and I want to be free and independent in the things I do.
I saw that in Daniel. I admired him for the way he is, and I told him that. For me, I told him, he is perfect. Even though I realized now that perfection is nothing I should strive for. Or is it?
Well, not as long as it is hindering you to be who you are.
And my perfectionism is part of what she had created.
Yet I am a little confused by the term p e r f e c t i o n i s m … I mean, it sounds so positive, so light and so powerful, but all it has done to me is f a i l u r e.
How is that possible? It is messed up, just like my life.

I feel finding Me is not as easy.
I am afraid of Me.
I scared of the way to Me.

How shall I approach this? I wished there was a manual. Like a 10-step booklet or so. I would die to have it.

Feels like a lie

The whole heartbreak seems like a big big lie to me. Why, after all he has told me, do I still think he is the right one for me? This feeling has become even stronger. It is ridiculous, because what he thinks I am looking for is so not what it is. And I can’t make him see that.
I realized though that what I like about him most is that he is who he is, but at the same time do I see myself in him. I know it sounds strange, but with him I have always been able to be who I am. I am talking from the time that we we were seeing each other in May. The direction it took once I left was not direced by myself but by Bulimia. She was the one who made and still makes me feel miserable. About myself, about my life about everything. And I am not that way. I want to break free from her so badly. And I regret so much for not having done so earlier. She has caused me to lose Daniel. I start realizing that I lost him and the cause does not matter. I did not even try to explain it to him, because he has made his mind up and I know and don’t want to control him. As soon as I closed the door to his place I started crying, and I did on the way home. I was being laughed at from this guy driving next to me, stopping at the red light. So I stopped crying. I don’t want anybody to see my pain.
I got home, and I almost purged. I threw myself on the floor and wished I could have screamed. I decided to distract myself and went online where I found that rescuing post. I am so done with Bulimia. And as Daniel has left me so will Bulimia leave with him. It is just so incredibly painful. I could not stand the pain at all last night – I don’t want it. And I don’t need it I have so many other things to do. But then I wished I could just run away. And be.
How can I lose the feeling of still having this special connection to this guy?
It’s just a fucking guy.
But it’s Daniel.

So, I don’t know if what I did then was any better, but I did not purge. This other guy who is obviously interested in me called and I said I was sad. So, he came over to give me a guitar lesson. He came over and stayed late. He sang a song for me, played the guitar, had me play some chords. But my mind was circling around the idea of having Daniel sitting there instead.
I told him how sad I was and I told him why. I did not say much about who the guy was,but I told him how heartbroken I am and how I miss this guy. He “understood”, but I know for him it did not really matter, he just wanted to spend some time with me (we originally planned on hanging out, but I canceled because of Daniel – he was not mad about it). But I don’t feel good about him wanting me. On the other hand I think it is the best to get over a heartbreak. Just find someone else. And we kissed and made out. But it just reminded me on how good Daniel made me feel when he kissed me and we he touched me, and the way he made love to me… I think I miss that the most. It made me feel so close to him. And I even let go. I regret so much I did because now it seems like I will never be able to again. But I feel like I need to. It is so… heartbreaking. I cannot concentrate, and all I want is to cry.

How could I have been so wrong. Why did I … sorry, Bulimia, ruin everything?
I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’ll lose my heart on the way. I am breaking down.
I try hard to find this strength that is there somewhere. I have overcome worse, but I am tired and I am exhausted. I have been disappointed way too often in my life to take this pain right now.
and I hate him so much for being so different to what he used to be in May. It feels like he is so scared of falling in love that he is using all these excuses. And for me they are not even excuses. I see them as means of self-protection and I can relate to why he does that. But it is not fair. He has played with my feelings. I hate him for that and I hate Bulimia because she has managed to go in alliance with him.
I told him this as well: I would sell my soul to get rid of this pain. I really would.