Bulimia, love, hate, medication and happiness

I had a bunch of slip ups in the last 5 days. Friday and Saturday I had major binge and purge sessions… making me feel like crap and miserable and I do not for the sake of my body health and well being know why. Those were major ones, cooking lots of “FORBIDDEN” food and being miserable emotionally and all that… then again Tuesday night… another slip up. Again, I do not understand why, how or anything that could explain it really. I remember thinking about D. a lot. He is there 24/7. I again wished he would not exist. Not in my life at least. I love him so extremely much. And ye more I do not get to see or talk to him ye more I think about him. It is sad, and it is painful. I wished I knew how he was doing, what he was doing, or with him he was happy.
Also, my thoughts keep circling around his stupid anorexic friend… She told me that she and him were seeing each other. I cannot stand the thought, because she is so crazy, and unattractive and I just do not understand why he would rather have sex with her than with me and that is what it is all about. Sexual satisfaction. I do not want more from him than sex. I just want to enjoy myself and I want to please him. I can please M. which has not been a problem but D. has been the only one I could have sex with that I personally enjoyed. I wished I could have one more night with him. One more. No more than that. One more. I miss him so much.
And yes, I do not only miss the fulfilling sexual moments. I miss hiss eyes and his voice. How can I forget? How? I cannot. I tried drinking alcohol excessively…. but alcohol is just a friend for a second a minute or two or a night at the longest. I need permanent relief. I need hope that life without him can succeed… I need to be loved the way I love. But then again I feel like loving someone more than you could ever be loved is better than the opposite. I have no idea. I am stuck in an internal struggle to find myself and I wished I had, so that I could speak clearly to those who seem to not know a thing….

anyways….

Bulimia… sucks… still… and I wished she was finally gone, but she is hitting back harder than usually. After every slip up I am so exhausted that I feel like I fall asleep without the chance of ever waking up again. It is in fact extremely scary…. I see the lights in my life fading and I feel the motivation to basically slip away. Life is difficult and hard and unfair and yet I feel like I will make it but I need so much strength to do so that I wonder if it is really worth it. I could just get married, have kids and be happy, but I guess my inner voice tells me to go for more.
It’s not a problem at all to call C. and get married and live in Ohio and “just be”… but I want true love.
And yes, I know I alredy found my perfect match and yes, I know he is rejecting me, so.. of course, this does not help…

My conclusion is:

Bulimia and Love are evil partners, like sisters… bad, bad, bad.

Both of them believe in hate…

Bulimia hates me as a person…. physically. I am fat, ugly, I cannot discipline myslef, I am just wrong… I eat too much and throw it up while others starve or I decide not to eat while I have the choice between anything…

Love hates me as a lover, because I am passionate, I am submissive but assertive in my own special way, I am sexual and I love to open my heart to someone who seems to me like he deserves to know my soul…
but I am always wrong and punish myself with a lot of shameful pain…

Disaster… bulimia and love… and hate, too.. I hate people I love because they reject me, but at the same time I understand that they need to have their own opinion and life and ahhhhhhh…. why….

yup… why is why I got meds… to calm me down to tell me I am not crazy although I am. I am extremely tired of life and crazy and wished I could just write a book, kill myself and die slowly while seeing people around me just go theri way. No one would care, so why do I car?

Yes, I need a higher dose.
Good night, happiness is far…
ahead.

I am happy

I am happy, yes. But am I happy because I am drunk. Well, I am not drunk. I had four glasses of beer. And I did not binge. Yay! I don’t know, but what I know is today is a weird day. I worked. I got something done, of course not enough and I emailed my draft to my professor, but she had some things to correct. Which is good on some part, but I want to be perfect from the start. That is what is killing me though.
I had a great night last night. I purged all day and was not feeling like going to an engagement party where more food was waiting, but I did go, and I did eat, and drink and after we went out dancing and I had a blast. I had a great evening, because I forgot about myself. But I think I did because I got drunk. I have a problem with alcohol. I have a problem wit everything that helps me survive. I am addicted to my love for D. I am addicted to alcohol, I am addicted to food (and now no food).
I have problems, but I am not crazy. I am ill. Not sick.
I emailed D. And I regret everything half way. I don’t think he understands. I need to forget about him in terms of still holding on to the idea that him and I will maybe one day be back together. This is so illusionist. I wished I was strong. I am so weak.

Let’s change the topic.

So I had a great night. I flirted with handsome men, but none were interesting. I danced like a dancer and forgot the world around me. I enjoyed being me. I had a good time. I don’t know why. I guess it was the alcohol… and that is sad…
But I don’t want to think about it.

In fact, I feel like I am making a new friend. I met a German girl who is (thank god) not from the Department. She is an art student. My age. Sweet. BUT very skinny. I compare myself to her and the waitress tonight asked if we were related, because she found, that we looked alike. I took that as a compliment, because she is so skinny, and pretty and sweet and so sincere and so open and I just wished I had her life. But although I hit on the issue of her being skinny, she admitted she did not eat very much, I got really jealous, because it seems like she really just enjoys food and is very selective. she loves beer, too. We have a lot in common and I just hope we can become very good friends, but at the same time I am scared, that because of this hope I will put myself under a lot of pressure. I really feel like I need a platonic girlfriend. Someone who lives here.
She is great. I hope I can make it work. I am just scared, that she could be leaving soon. This is why I never invest in friendships, because it always seems limited. And if I do nonetheless I will get rejected… Ah… this is so hard.

I just don’t know anything about relationships… at least not about relationships that can work or on the magic of making them work.

It’s a hard life I am living.

Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

Lots to think about

I actually have to study… I have been procrastinating all weekend and now it’s time to go to bed, getting up at 5 to hopefully get a little bit done in the morning. In fact, I was planning on studying all day today, but I ended up drinking last night with that guy again, and I stayed at his place… lots happened between us, and it was good. It was fun, but I just have to think about D. all the fucking time. He just does not leave me alone. I tell myself how much I hate him, and what an egoistic idiot he is, but it does not help, because I believe so strongly that we are meant for each other, and I feel like I am turning into a crazy creep because I think that, and because I cannot tell anyone, because everyone would say I am crazy and yet i start believe that already without anyone having to tell me. I have never said that before, but I love him so much, it is unreal. I just need to think about him and I am happy. But then I turn it into hate to protect myself from the pain he is causing me, for simply stepping out of my life. He does not care at all. He is only concerned about himself. Which is fine, but I just think he is missing out. Ironic I would say that, but I think he is missing out on me. Me as a wonderful person, the right person for him. It’s so pathetic. I wished he could see that.
I’m still hopeful that if I am done with Bulimia and my depression that I will turn into this great person again, that sleeps inside of me. Maybe this sleeping beauty just needs the rest right now to be able to blossom even more colorful. Maybe I am curing from the inside this way. I will shine. But I fear that I only want to shine for him. It is such a cycle and I want to escape. Yes, I really want to let go, but I cannot.
Hopeless. Helpless.

And now I can also see how I am gaining weight each day… I am getting fatter and fatter, but this guy, let’s call him C., he makes me feel good a bit. He likes my body. I am appreciated for it, so if I get fatter again there is nothing left to be appreciated for.
Because I am such a failure throughout. I cannot even put my thoughts into words. My mind is so messed up. I feel like I know too much as if I was able to channel and filter my thoughts. It hurts not to be able to say what you want to say. It is not good at all. I cannot even summarize a movie, or the plot of something I just read. even if I just read it. It does not work and I try hard and I tried all my life to follow structuring models or whatever. It feels impossible. It always has. It’s bad. Just like all the clutter I cannot get under control.
Sometimes I just want to give up.
It feels unreal to be here. To still be here. I’m not moving. It’s weird, but I just don’t get anywhere. I can try as hard as I want. I try to believe in me. I fight. It’s exhausting.

Too much food.

I went grocery shopping today and told myself to face it.
I bought “unsafe” food items, and even candy chocolate bars for my students. Which I am eating on right now, even though I got the wrong kind. I thought it was a mix of all the good ones but it’s actually the nasty Peanut and Caramel stuff… yuck… I’m binging them anyway… Ridiculous. Had a whole fat pizza as well. And beer. And I really did not want to binge tonight, but be strong… even with unsafe food in the house. My nutritionist said Tuesday that if I was unable to have unsafe food in the house I needed to drop out of school IMMEDIATELY and start Cedar Springs. hahaha. Ironic.

I felt liek I was getting sick all day though and now thinking about purging that binge is not really good. Won’t really help my immune system…
What a shame, I think part of my failure lays in little occurences of this day.
A) Talking to my mom.
B) Stupid remark I made at my weekly meeting with my adivsor
C) Stupidity in nature when talking to my supervisor
D) Not eating right all day
F) I saw that super skinny girl from the Gym today. She is skin and bones and muscles.
G) Going shopping hungry
H) Feeling weird overall
I) Not having done all I needed to
….
sucks.
I just wished I could just stop eating when it is enough.
Too much food in the house is bad….

But tomorrow is a new day and I only hope I will not catch the flu.

Can it get any worse??

Seriously? Can it? I don’t know.
Isn’t it enough that I have to worry about my health, academic standing, finances and recovery?
Now it is getting even better. So, I was unable to have breakfast because I had to fast to get my blood tested, and it took longer than I thought so I had to run to class right after I was done – so no time for breakfast. I had lunch at 11- a salad and flat bread as well as a coffee, but am starving since 3 already. So, I had planned out what I would eat, but then they did not have it. At both Starbucks’ on Campus they were out of Bananas. But since I cannot spend money on food anymore I wanted to use that free coupon that was only valid until today. So, lucky me, no dinner. Because if I set my meals, I need to stick to it, in order to be able to eat it. So now I am trying to think about something else that would serve all the food groups. I didn’t bring much money though, so I can pretty much not get anything good. And I won’t be home before 10… IT SUCKS.
But this is not as bad as it can get for today. I worked without a break and still need to catch up on a lot.
Duties – so I will.

But, I went to pay October rent and they told me that I have to get rid of my cat.
Are you fucking kidding me?
My cat?

This life sucks big time at the moment, and I just started to reapply indifference. I really started telling myself again that I am fine, that I am not doing so bad, that I don’t need treatment and that I can make it. Planning my meals, the will to stick to it etc… I thought I would be fine and capable to do it on my own. I thought I found that strength within me again, but I guess I am totally off.

It is getting worse with every breath I take. It makes no sense at all to be me. I serve no purpose and I have no goal, nor do I have anyone who cares or who I could care for.

This whole help issue…

… is getting more and more frustrating…

I can’t sleep because I worry so so much.
I basically tried to gain a view over my financial situation… It is so not good. I really don’t need this part of my reality right now. Now, that I have decided that it is best for me to get into more intensive treatment and now that I have understood how bad my situation really is.
With Paula I hit the nail on the head today.
I told her about me reaching out and being rejected by D. I also told her how I want to be indifferent with him. I hate him so much. I just needed him to listen. 5 minutes would have been enough. Ok, so no support from there. Again I invested trust into someone who would eventually reject me if I was needy. And I learned so well not to be needy. I am mastering it. That’s why it is even more disappointing to reflect on what happened Friday. There must be something about me that I always keep falling for the wrong people, that I trust the wrong people and that I end up in painful situations over and over again.
I am so sick of it.
I wished I could finally lift myself out of this deep swallowing dirt, but I cannot do it alone. And Paula reassured me in that also. She also said that not all people were like him and that I have just been very unfortunate in my life in this respect and as a consequence now master acting out indifference. Means of self-protection. But now that I am discovering all this in therapy it does not work this easily anymore, because well-known coping mechanisms are not supposed to be an option and it is just really hard.

So, I also had an appointment at the Physician. Which did not go very well.
My heart rate is very very low. To be exact it is 48. I had an EKG done and need to get lab work done tomorrow. She said it might be that it is that low because I am exercising so much, but taking into account many other symptoms that I have developed, like dizzyness or difficulties to concentrate etc etc… she said that it might even be my heart muscle… So, I don’t know what to think or do about this. I tried to eat super healthy today and did not go to the gym although I have not been now in 2 days and feel horrible about my lazy self.

At any rate, I checked my bank accounts today and despite my excessive lifestyle of the last few months I had to realize that I am broke.
I will have about 300 dollars a months after paying for monthly expenses excluding food and personal enjoyment which I will have to eliminate from now on if I want to do treatment in December/January. I don’t even know how I will be able to do that. Because the Deductible is 250, and then I would have to cover 1750 myself in addition until my insurance covers the rest. So 2000 Dollars to save up from 300 in 3 months. I M P O S S I B L E.

I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do now. Even if I stopped my current treatment now, I would not save the money. And since I have a loan on my car I cannot get another loan. Again, I can’t get help although I need it. And I never asked for help ever in my life so this feels extra frustrating.
I just don’t know what to do.
I want to be happy again.

I hate my life and myself so much for having been so careless about myself. I cannot understand it all anymore. Now I need to sleep but I can’t and I wished I would just wake up in a different world with all my sorrow taken away. I so so hate it to be me. I suck.

Asking for Help

How do I feel today?
I am not so sure. I went to bed early, at around 9.30pm, but woke up at 12am and then again at about 5am. I got up a little after 7, but feel really tired now. I am seeing my therapist in a bit. Then I have an appointment at the Physician. So, a busy morning. Later I am seeing a professor and I am not looking forward to that. Also, I have to do a lot of gradings and work for tomorrow as well as readings… well, I will get through the day.
I even made it through the weekend and yesterday.
I had group yesterday and I guess I brought the courage up to say what was so heavy on my chest. Although I felt extremely uncomfortable and my voice was shaking and breaking, I felt relieved. It was just good to see, that I actually have not been selfish in asking for help. In fact, I should have physical support. Everyone needs that. But I don’t have it. I almost cried. Actually did. Calling a hotline is no support that I could even just possibly need. And no, it is not selfish to have asked for “more”. Especially in that very moment on Friday, it would have been only helpful to talk to someone. Someone I know and trust, to whom I did not have to say much.
I guess this recovery proves me again, that Bulimia has been extremely powerful. She ruled me and my life, and she is still in charge. To overrule her is difficult and so painful. But I cannot do it alone. I just can’t. I will do it for me, but I cannot fight all by myself. I need support. I should have asked D. if he was really willing to offer support. It seemed like it at first, but I realize now, that he just wanted to be nice. Like most people, they act nice, but really don’t want to deal with other people’s issues. Which is totally fine, but I asked for honesty. Saying this directly is less hurtful, frustrating and dishonest. Yes, I somewhat feel betrayed. I guess I have to let go, and I feel so much hate towards him. I really thought he was a good guy with a great heart, but I guess I have been wrong. I can’t believe I let him in my life. I am so ashamed.
Yet I need to get back up on my feet and walk.
Determined and strong. I will reach my goal.
I am facing her.

New theories about my very own Bulimia

So, I am all messed up today I guess. This day was one of the most stressful days in the last few weeks. When I went to see Amanda, I was not able to really think straight. And I am starting to build up these thoughts. I want to think that I am traumatized. I start believing that I am not aware of something from my past. I mean, that maybe something must have happened to me at some point in my life, that I have tried to forget or repress. But at the same time I think, that I just try to construct something in order to have something or eventually someone to blame. I mean, I remember that I always wished I was already 18 and able to leave home. I remember how I always wished I was adopted. But I am not. I remember all these stupid thoughts…. and also…
What, if this whole Bulimia was a Choice? My choice?
Wasn’t it me who decided one day to throw up? Wasn’t it the same me who then sticked to it?
What if I have just been stupid like that?
Ha, Amanda banned that word today. She said I was not allowed to use it anymore beyond the point I enter her office… And she also said something like Bulimics were smart or bright, well, I know differently, and maybe it is just that she has to say it, that it is a kind of therapeutic tool. I need to research that.
But I remember that when I was younger and read about Anorexia in youth mag’s, they said, that anorexics were determined, smart, with a strong will, perfectionists and all that. All because they reached the goal of losing weight. So I eventually interpreted bulimia as the opposite. And although I would not identify myself as sick, I would identify myself as bulimic and thus minor, and especially stupid, simply because I never lost weight, never achieved my goals and in addition I was not even consciously aware of what i was really doing to myself.
And if even a bulimic doesn’t get it… how will someone else.
I feel like I need to write a book about it, but at the same time I guess, I feel like no one will read it, for there are too many on it already. No one is interested in more stuff like that.

But, I have been writing…
I started an email to my mom. I am not sure if I will really send it, but there is still a chance I could hit the “send” button on accident when I am drunk. Since I still can’t let go of alcohol. Drank a bottle of wine tonight… purged it, too. Feel awful.

Life is not good at the moment.

No more promises

I promised I would not binge tonight, right?
I promised I would not purge.
I did.
I broke my promises.
And I would call myself stupid and I would call myself a failure. I am full of self-disgust and guilt and pain. But I try just to accept it. It is hard. I disapprove with my own actions very much. But I am responsible for it. Only I am and only I can be. It might not be the right form of dealing with emotional stress, but I have not learned yet really how I can make it better. I know how, but I cannot utilize it yet correctly.
I will be able to someday. But tonight I had to fall back again.
It was just and exhausting day and no one there to lean on, to talk to, to cry. Although I cried in front of two people today, no one was there to give me a hug. And it hurts. Ye more I think about it ye more I feel alone and needless. But I try to just accept this state. I will be fine. Later than I hoped I would be, but eventually I will.
I am strong.
Right?