The whole heartbreak seems like a big big lie to me. Why, after all he has told me, do I still think he is the right one for me? This feeling has become even stronger. It is ridiculous, because what he thinks I am looking for is so not what it is. And I can’t make him see that.
I realized though that what I like about him most is that he is who he is, but at the same time do I see myself in him. I know it sounds strange, but with him I have always been able to be who I am. I am talking from the time that we we were seeing each other in May. The direction it took once I left was not direced by myself but by Bulimia. She was the one who made and still makes me feel miserable. About myself, about my life about everything. And I am not that way. I want to break free from her so badly. And I regret so much for not having done so earlier. She has caused me to lose Daniel. I start realizing that I lost him and the cause does not matter. I did not even try to explain it to him, because he has made his mind up and I know and don’t want to control him. As soon as I closed the door to his place I started crying, and I did on the way home. I was being laughed at from this guy driving next to me, stopping at the red light. So I stopped crying. I don’t want anybody to see my pain.
I got home, and I almost purged. I threw myself on the floor and wished I could have screamed. I decided to distract myself and went online where I found that rescuing post. I am so done with Bulimia. And as Daniel has left me so will Bulimia leave with him. It is just so incredibly painful. I could not stand the pain at all last night – I don’t want it. And I don’t need it I have so many other things to do. But then I wished I could just run away. And be.
How can I lose the feeling of still having this special connection to this guy?
It’s just a fucking guy.
But it’s Daniel.
So, I don’t know if what I did then was any better, but I did not purge. This other guy who is obviously interested in me called and I said I was sad. So, he came over to give me a guitar lesson. He came over and stayed late. He sang a song for me, played the guitar, had me play some chords. But my mind was circling around the idea of having Daniel sitting there instead.
I told him how sad I was and I told him why. I did not say much about who the guy was,but I told him how heartbroken I am and how I miss this guy. He “understood”, but I know for him it did not really matter, he just wanted to spend some time with me (we originally planned on hanging out, but I canceled because of Daniel – he was not mad about it). But I don’t feel good about him wanting me. On the other hand I think it is the best to get over a heartbreak. Just find someone else. And we kissed and made out. But it just reminded me on how good Daniel made me feel when he kissed me and we he touched me, and the way he made love to me… I think I miss that the most. It made me feel so close to him. And I even let go. I regret so much I did because now it seems like I will never be able to again. But I feel like I need to. It is so… heartbreaking. I cannot concentrate, and all I want is to cry.
How could I have been so wrong. Why did I … sorry, Bulimia, ruin everything?
I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’ll lose my heart on the way. I am breaking down.
I try hard to find this strength that is there somewhere. I have overcome worse, but I am tired and I am exhausted. I have been disappointed way too often in my life to take this pain right now.
and I hate him so much for being so different to what he used to be in May. It feels like he is so scared of falling in love that he is using all these excuses. And for me they are not even excuses. I see them as means of self-protection and I can relate to why he does that. But it is not fair. He has played with my feelings. I hate him for that and I hate Bulimia because she has managed to go in alliance with him.
I told him this as well: I would sell my soul to get rid of this pain. I really would.
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