Rosenstrasse

I watched this intense movie tonight. It is a German-Dutch production about the Jews during World War II. I don’t want to get into it, but there was this scene when Hannah meets the elderly lady Lena.
But the message is so true.

…
Lena: Ich hab’ uns was zu essen hingestellt. Oder machen Sie gerade eine Diaet?
All diese Jungen Frauen heute machen ja andauernd Abmagerungskuren. Das muss ja ungesund sein, glauben sie nicht? Wir waren ja auch sehr mager damals. Aber ganz gegen unseren Willen. Staendig Hunger. Hunger und Angst. Bitte setzen Sie sich doch. ( all these young women seem to always be dieting. That can’t really be healthy, don’t you think? We were very thin back then too. But against our choice. Always hungry. Hungry and scared.)
Hannah: Die Magersuechtigen Frauen heute haben auch Angst. (anorexic women today are scared, too)
Lena: Ach, ja? Das muessen Sie mir erklaeren. Ich habe Kaffee gemacht. Ist Ihnen das recht?
Hannah: Ja, sehr recht.
Lena: Und wovor haben sie Angst? (What are they scared of?)
Hannah: Ich?
Lena: Nein, sie sehen nicht so aus als seien Sie magersuechtig. (no, you don’t look anorexic)
Hannah: Achso, ich nein. Ich glaube… ich denke diese Maedchen haben Angst vorm Leben. (I believe… I think, these girls are scared of life)
…

We cannot chose when and where we are born. We simply can’t. The circumstances may be all oh-so-different. But I guess “ANGST VOR DEM LEBEN” (being scared of life) is what is the nightmare of so many people. Being always in pain. It is simply destructive for a human soul to fell pain all the time. Being scared is just one of the motifs for this uncontrollable pain, especially if you are scared of life. It is the worst for anyone under any circumstances anywhere in this world. And yet too many people are scared. And I am just one of those many fish in the crying river.
I wished I had the strength to fight it, I wished I could just simply close my eyes towards so many things, but I can’t and for me life is not only this mystery – it is driving me crazy to think about it. Why am I here and who am I? What is the world? I feel like a little kid asking these questions over and over again. How can people not ask about it? Why don’t most people try to figure it out? Why is there good and bad in the world and why do I have to feel this pain in such an extreme that it is tearing my soul and heart out at one and the same second?

I am just scared.
I just want to be happy.

Feels like a lie

The whole heartbreak seems like a big big lie to me. Why, after all he has told me, do I still think he is the right one for me? This feeling has become even stronger. It is ridiculous, because what he thinks I am looking for is so not what it is. And I can’t make him see that.
I realized though that what I like about him most is that he is who he is, but at the same time do I see myself in him. I know it sounds strange, but with him I have always been able to be who I am. I am talking from the time that we we were seeing each other in May. The direction it took once I left was not direced by myself but by Bulimia. She was the one who made and still makes me feel miserable. About myself, about my life about everything. And I am not that way. I want to break free from her so badly. And I regret so much for not having done so earlier. She has caused me to lose Daniel. I start realizing that I lost him and the cause does not matter. I did not even try to explain it to him, because he has made his mind up and I know and don’t want to control him. As soon as I closed the door to his place I started crying, and I did on the way home. I was being laughed at from this guy driving next to me, stopping at the red light. So I stopped crying. I don’t want anybody to see my pain.
I got home, and I almost purged. I threw myself on the floor and wished I could have screamed. I decided to distract myself and went online where I found that rescuing post. I am so done with Bulimia. And as Daniel has left me so will Bulimia leave with him. It is just so incredibly painful. I could not stand the pain at all last night – I don’t want it. And I don’t need it I have so many other things to do. But then I wished I could just run away. And be.
How can I lose the feeling of still having this special connection to this guy?
It’s just a fucking guy.
But it’s Daniel.

So, I don’t know if what I did then was any better, but I did not purge. This other guy who is obviously interested in me called and I said I was sad. So, he came over to give me a guitar lesson. He came over and stayed late. He sang a song for me, played the guitar, had me play some chords. But my mind was circling around the idea of having Daniel sitting there instead.
I told him how sad I was and I told him why. I did not say much about who the guy was,but I told him how heartbroken I am and how I miss this guy. He “understood”, but I know for him it did not really matter, he just wanted to spend some time with me (we originally planned on hanging out, but I canceled because of Daniel – he was not mad about it). But I don’t feel good about him wanting me. On the other hand I think it is the best to get over a heartbreak. Just find someone else. And we kissed and made out. But it just reminded me on how good Daniel made me feel when he kissed me and we he touched me, and the way he made love to me… I think I miss that the most. It made me feel so close to him. And I even let go. I regret so much I did because now it seems like I will never be able to again. But I feel like I need to. It is so… heartbreaking. I cannot concentrate, and all I want is to cry.

How could I have been so wrong. Why did I … sorry, Bulimia, ruin everything?
I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’ll lose my heart on the way. I am breaking down.
I try hard to find this strength that is there somewhere. I have overcome worse, but I am tired and I am exhausted. I have been disappointed way too often in my life to take this pain right now.
and I hate him so much for being so different to what he used to be in May. It feels like he is so scared of falling in love that he is using all these excuses. And for me they are not even excuses. I see them as means of self-protection and I can relate to why he does that. But it is not fair. He has played with my feelings. I hate him for that and I hate Bulimia because she has managed to go in alliance with him.
I told him this as well: I would sell my soul to get rid of this pain. I really would.

Self doubts and destruction

Ok, I know i don’t find myself in the toilet, but still I always turn to it in times like… tonight… I can’t believed I screwed this day of structured eating… It was actually a really good day… and I ruined all my efforts. Of course, I feel horrible, and worthless. It is embarrassing most of al towards my own self that I again chose to purge instead of sitting down looking inside myself to finally reveal the reasons. One thing I learned tonight, structured eating during the day does not help me overcome the nights. My problem is just too deep, too painful, and too strongly attached to m true self that it is just so difficult to tear it off and throw it apart. I always try when I purge my heart and soul out but all it leaves is more damage. No cure, no solution to the problem.
I want to be myself so badly and I want to be happy. Happy with who I am. But I don’t know who that is. Who am I?
It feels like there is this neverending battle inside of me fought by my true self and the self I was raised to be, the one I am supposed to be – probably the one my true self despises and hates, just like I hate me. Maybe my true self is loveable and pure.
Why do I have to struggle so badly?
I think this was one of the triggers why tonight failed me in making this day worthy… I was with 3 friends and we also went to Ikea and out for dinner, so I was constantly reminded on what I am not. I saw many happy couples shopping for furniture, I saw happy families; momma running ater the 3 year old who just did what came to his mind not caring about anyone or anything around him, so free. I was reminded on how stressed I am. What was I thinking not be working? And then going for dinner. Everyone enjyoing the food, laughing, not caring about how many calories the dish had, or that this spoon was actually the one telling me that now it did not matter anymore… I would purge anyway… I hate that. I cannot enjoy food at all, I cannot enjoy the time with my friends, because all I can think of from one point on is: home, purge.

The last time I can remember that I truly enjoyed food and eating was with Daniel not too long ago… I made dinner with him or we went to Mandola’s. I did not care about food at all. Just being with him made me really happy.
Can someone be happy alone? Wouldn’t that be selfish?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy just by making someone else happy? i thought I did make him happy, but I was wrong and that hurts so much. How can I be so wrong in everything I do, in everything I perceive, in everything I think… in the way I am.

Krajina - Eduard Tomek

The Urge to Purge

is right here. Within me. I had balanced meals today, but I just came back from a bar where I had a few (too many) goldfish crackers… I want to purge them. I feel like they are heavy in my belly and extremely heavy on my soul, for I have been unable to control myself in the first place. I mean, I shouldn’t have eaten them – I was not hungry, and now I just feel so bad I did and I know I feel bad as well if I purge. But I can’t see the difference right now? At least if I purge my belly would be empty, my soul already is in this minute. I am lost again and I thought I could be strong. I am failing myself again and I hate me for having these thoughts and I just don’t know what to do.
I want to be happy but even being on BulimiaHelp and browsing through there does not help me in this very minute. All the advice in there I know, I am consciously aware of the fact that it is wrong to purge and that it is dangerous and could kill me, but what do you do?

I want to stay strong.
I am so insecure about myself.
I need help.