I fucking need to get on my feet and fight…

…and clear my head and start living.

Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.

But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.

1st: I will start saying no.

2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.

3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).

4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).

5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).

6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)

7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.

8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.

9th: I will go step by step.

10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.

I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.

Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:

There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.

I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.

Life, love, sex and happiness

At tempting to altering my thoughts and changing my viewpoints is what this post is about.
Life. Life is difficult and life is a every-day and life-long challenge. But just because it is difficult does not mean I cannot make it through. I heard this country song today on the radio on my way home, saying things like if life is hell you gotta run as fast as you can to get out before the devil even noticed you were there. I really liked it. It’s true. Just because some times are harder or at least seem to be does not mean that the devil will get you and burn you in his fire. I might lose some hair on the way through, but if I face it I can make it on my own.
Love. Is so so important in life. I don’t understand how people could possibly think, that just by loving themselves, life could be complete. I mean, I understand that if I love myself, things might be easier, but everyone needs that feeling to be loved and cared for. At the same time the need to love someone and to care for someone else the same way one cares for their own is just such a fulfilling idea to me. I want to grow on my own and through my own love, but at the same time I want to share it with someone I trust and someone who trusts me. There is nothing else that could make life even more complete and wonderful. Yes, the big dream of true love still exists for me, and I am glad, I have not become all too indifferent about it.
Sex. Is so so important in life and with love. It is in fact something that helps one another to establish the trust I was talking about and it is rare to find someone you really feel bonded with sexually. Sex has become such a “devalued good” that it is really sad to think about why most people actually do it. Satisfaction is a good thing, but put in touch with love and reattach the value to it, it is even more than just having some fun. Most people forget that it seems, some get carried away easily and some just use it in order to cope with their stress. I am not saying this is necessarily bad, but do it with someone you love, and be conscious of what you are actually sharing. It’s fulfilling.
Happiness. Is the most important in life and a result of love. Seriously, love yourself and care for others and you can be truly happy. Be compassionate. About yourself and others. See the beauty in life, in yourself and in others.
Becoming aware of my abilities, my strengths and also my weaknesses is my task for this week.
I will try to trace them down in order to work on them.

Just this weekend I have again seen some of my behaviors and did not really know where they came from.
I am seeing this guy and he is just so interesting to me. He reminds me a lot of D. and I am scared that this will be the reason why it eventually won’t work out. I am scared because of these similarities in physical appearance and even certain character traits. I might trust him too much because of how he reminds me of D.. There is not a day on which I don’t think about D. Not one minute passes and it still hurts so much to remember him. So, I don’t really know why I am seeing this other guy when he brings back memories. But it feels good to be held. I think I simply miss all these physical connections to someone. Having sex just felt amazing. I still have these control issues, but it feels good to be appreciated. And it is sad at the same time because it is not really me who is being appreciated but my body and the satisfaction it can create. I mean that is a wonderful thing, but I guess it will end in this cycle again. I trust someone. I get hurt. Left alone. Feeling worthless. I don’t know why I always bring myself in those situations. And it is strange, I have these pictures popping up in my head. I cannot identify the person. All I know it is a guy, and i am very little, and something is going on. I don’t know where these images come from, but they scare me. I am afraid they might keep the key for a lot of my suffering.
Yet, I just want to be happy. I really want to let go of all what has been, and want to have my life back under control. I am close to running away. Very close. And I am just so lost in this mess my life is like right now. Even this post displays all the clutter that I cannot get under control. When in doubt, throw it out. I wished it was that easy.

I could start running

… away. I just got the offer to do so.
It would mean giving up my current life, quitting my PhD Program and go to the countryside. I could get married and work as a waitress. I could stay in the US, far away from what I used to call home.
One part of me wants to do that, wants to run now and fast, but the other part is scared it would be wrong. Wrong again. I’m torn. Between worlds and lifes, hopes and wishes, dream and reality. I am searching for the ultimatum. What is it? Where is it? Who am I? What shall I do? Where is home? Where shall I settle?

Overcoming a Binge-Purge-Urge

Is that it? Is that how it feels like? Really? Is it that easy?
So here is my day and how I made it NOT to binge and NOT to purge and to OVERCOME the urge.

I got up early, I started my day at Starbucks and had a Soy Chai and a Very Berry Coffeecake. A conscious choice. Not the most healthy food, not the most unhealthy neither, simply something I felt like eating. I enjoyed it very much, sitting on the porch at Starbucks, checking my email, browsing the web a bit and having a cigarette. The only one in a few days and the only one for a few days. I just felt like it.
So, I went to the Department, prepared class and went over to the other building to teach.
I love teaching. I love it. It is so much fun and so fulfilling. I have some really smart kids sitting in there and they really make me stun. It shows me how great the human being is and how complex we are indeed, too.
After teaching I had to carry like 40 notebooks back… It was a hassle. I had an earlier lunch break than usually, simply because I was hungry. I did not really have time, but I took my time. I even did not bother about thinking about the pile of work waiting for me. I had a good conversation with a colleague and then had to see one of my profs. Good indeed, too. I remembered that I can do it. I felt good about what I was doing. I saw the light at the end glimming for a second. Long enough to lighten my day.
I had a snack after class and went on with my work. Finished it at 4.30 and decided to keep on working.
My mom called in between and I got home at like 7pm. Finally. Still exhausted.
I had a good dinner: salad, grain bread with deli turkey and goat cheese.
BUT….
then I would eat a bit Haribo. Bad idea. I began counting calories, I started feeling bad about the, well, two handfull of candy treats… and I thought, well I could binge and purge it all…
BUT…
it was not me thinking that. It was Bulimia. She was getting louder and louder, and then her friend joined it. The one who controls my starving. He (I don’t know why it’s a male friend), well he was being very sarcastic. Telling me how proud he was that I starved in the past, that I did really good on those days, but that this was wrong, that I am ruining it all. “Can’t you feel your pants getting tighter?” “Can’t you see the fat on your body?”
Yes, certainly I could. Certainly. I still can.
BUT…
For the sake of my life, I fucking don’t care.
I don’t care as long as I can feel myself, my emotions, me being alive.

In fact my dear friends made me walk to the kitchen about 10 times. Back and forth – forth and back. I opened the fridge. No real easy binge foods. I opened the freezer. No real easy binge foods either. I opened the boards. Nope…
Ok, there were some foods I could turn into binge foods. I had sugar. I had condiments. I had butter and salt and all that…
You can steal from your roommates food.
Ok, no. That was enough. I left the kitchen.
That’s not what I want.
I walked around a bit. Very lost. Confused. But then slowly my spirit came back.
And here I am watching a movie. I drank a diet coke. I usually don’t because it makes me feel bloated. And I feel that way, but I don’t care, because I am just proud I defeated that urge. I did it. And I will in the future. This is not equal the control I was exercising in terms of counting on a number on the scale, counting calories or minutes running or exercising. It was all about being conscious about what I do. Not numbing myself out, but standing through the pain.
It is a great feeling to be strong.
It really is. And Bulimia and this stupid starving friend are fighting now on their own, accusing each other for failing, for being weaker than my consciousness. haha, fuck you!

Perfectionism

Wow, I can’t believe this inner voice that wants me to purge.
I went for my daily 6K run and had a full blown breakfast – I thought, I give structured eating a base today. I had tea with soy milk and honey and oatmeal with blueberries. I am so stuffed and now I checked my emails and I am frustrated. While I only worked on one task my colleague managed 4. I am mad. I could have done more, too. I mean, I just need the pressure in my job, and now that I have told my boss about my eating disorder… well, no that’s not even what that inner voice is saying. here it is:

“You suck. You did not work hard enough and you know it. You should have worked more. You should have asked for more tasks. You are a failure and you will lose.”

Thanks. I try to see it differently but I can’t. I know that my working morals lacked recently. See, I am still at home, it is 9.10am. I should be at my office, working, not here thinking about purging. I know I am perfectionistic. I just wished it would bring me somewhere…

Ok, I will go to work NOW. I will be productive and I will prove myself I can get things done.
I am just so mad, I was not even asked to do more.
Maybe it was good though, I have been stressed too much anyway?! But why? Because I suck. That’s what it says inside me. I try not to believe it, but the voice is loud.

I have wasted time last night anyway, watching movies, hanging out with this other guy. He even said that he was happier since he met me. And he is getting kind of clingy. I mean, i don’t need somebody to feel good. I only need myself. It is bothering me he says that, I don’t want him to want me. I want to be free and independent.

Feels like a lie

The whole heartbreak seems like a big big lie to me. Why, after all he has told me, do I still think he is the right one for me? This feeling has become even stronger. It is ridiculous, because what he thinks I am looking for is so not what it is. And I can’t make him see that.
I realized though that what I like about him most is that he is who he is, but at the same time do I see myself in him. I know it sounds strange, but with him I have always been able to be who I am. I am talking from the time that we we were seeing each other in May. The direction it took once I left was not direced by myself but by Bulimia. She was the one who made and still makes me feel miserable. About myself, about my life about everything. And I am not that way. I want to break free from her so badly. And I regret so much for not having done so earlier. She has caused me to lose Daniel. I start realizing that I lost him and the cause does not matter. I did not even try to explain it to him, because he has made his mind up and I know and don’t want to control him. As soon as I closed the door to his place I started crying, and I did on the way home. I was being laughed at from this guy driving next to me, stopping at the red light. So I stopped crying. I don’t want anybody to see my pain.
I got home, and I almost purged. I threw myself on the floor and wished I could have screamed. I decided to distract myself and went online where I found that rescuing post. I am so done with Bulimia. And as Daniel has left me so will Bulimia leave with him. It is just so incredibly painful. I could not stand the pain at all last night – I don’t want it. And I don’t need it I have so many other things to do. But then I wished I could just run away. And be.
How can I lose the feeling of still having this special connection to this guy?
It’s just a fucking guy.
But it’s Daniel.

So, I don’t know if what I did then was any better, but I did not purge. This other guy who is obviously interested in me called and I said I was sad. So, he came over to give me a guitar lesson. He came over and stayed late. He sang a song for me, played the guitar, had me play some chords. But my mind was circling around the idea of having Daniel sitting there instead.
I told him how sad I was and I told him why. I did not say much about who the guy was,but I told him how heartbroken I am and how I miss this guy. He “understood”, but I know for him it did not really matter, he just wanted to spend some time with me (we originally planned on hanging out, but I canceled because of Daniel – he was not mad about it). But I don’t feel good about him wanting me. On the other hand I think it is the best to get over a heartbreak. Just find someone else. And we kissed and made out. But it just reminded me on how good Daniel made me feel when he kissed me and we he touched me, and the way he made love to me… I think I miss that the most. It made me feel so close to him. And I even let go. I regret so much I did because now it seems like I will never be able to again. But I feel like I need to. It is so… heartbreaking. I cannot concentrate, and all I want is to cry.

How could I have been so wrong. Why did I … sorry, Bulimia, ruin everything?
I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’ll lose my heart on the way. I am breaking down.
I try hard to find this strength that is there somewhere. I have overcome worse, but I am tired and I am exhausted. I have been disappointed way too often in my life to take this pain right now.
and I hate him so much for being so different to what he used to be in May. It feels like he is so scared of falling in love that he is using all these excuses. And for me they are not even excuses. I see them as means of self-protection and I can relate to why he does that. But it is not fair. He has played with my feelings. I hate him for that and I hate Bulimia because she has managed to go in alliance with him.
I told him this as well: I would sell my soul to get rid of this pain. I really would.

Missing piece

I am in pain right now. I have been repressing this feeling a lot lately. I feel like I cannot deal with it anymore. It is not right. But I cannot help it. This pain I have only felt once before in my life. It’s that kind of pain of losing someone. Of losing someone your heart truly desires. Someone you feel like you cannot live without. It’s that kind of pain that you feel, when you are left. Left behind. Left alone. It’s aching. I want it to go away, but I can do whatever I want it just keeps coming back. It’s haunting me. But I try to run, I run fast… I learned to run away early. It’s a skill.
And I have done so good in the past not to let that happen to me again. But here we are. I can’t believe what I have done. I let someone get close to me and lost him. How can I learn to live with that? Please, tell me. I’m at my office and I’m crying. This is ridiculous. I am sitting here, crying, typing… should work. I was able to work at least for about 5 hours, but now it’s smashing into me, I’m breaking. And knowing this building he is around, too, a lot, does not really help it. I keep telling myself that all that matters is that he is happy, and that then I can be happy, too, but it is so difficult for me. I feel ridiculous for having these thoughts after knowing him just for such a short time. But that makes it even worse for me. I usually don’t have any feelings toward someone I barely know, and I usually don’t let anybody come close. But I let him. I did and scared him away with my bulimic self. (I separate my bulimic self drastically from who I really am, because without Bulimia I would not have done and would not be doing certain things in my life.) I believe he is the only one who really knows about me. I am not saying he knows who I am, because I don’t even know that, but he knows about my struggle. I wanted to find out everything about him, I wanted to listen, I wanted to simply be there for him whenever he needed someone. But this is not going to happen anymore. Thanks Bulimia, you are great! Mighty. Evil. I hate you. I hate how you have become a part of me. And I try so hard to leave you behind, I struggle so much to cut you out, but you are there. I am scared you have been for too long. Go find someone else to play with, you caused me enough pain and I know you still will, but I am very mad right now, because of you I lost every little missing piece that would make me whole again.

A day of a Bulimic

I am working actually but this stupid file transfer shows me it will take 38 minutes and since the program cannot be used while transferring files, I will simply write another blog entry.
I realized that my latest posts were sort of lacking the right depth as well as the right focus. Lately, I found it very difficult to concentrate and to even put my thoughts together in an effective way, maybe that is also why I cannot really concentrate.

Ok, now I would like to present you with what my days actually look like. I mean, I am living in a western society, namely the USA. People may think, heck it is just like everyone else’s day and that may be so, if there was not Bulimia my invisible and invincible half-of-my-lifetime partner.

A day with Bulimia. And it’s raining down on me from the moment I get up…

Kata Kabanova - Eduard Tomek

4:30am : my cat jumps up and down the bed, you can hear him hanging in the blinds, throwing down a glass that is still half full. I’m waking up, feeling horrible, remembering that just 5 hours before I was leaning head over in the toilet. My neck is stiff, my muscles in my arms and shoulder sore, especially my left arm. I feed the cat getting back to bed already thinking about everything that is ahead of me this very day. My thoughts are circling and again the question “Will I finally be able to end a day like everyone else? Not binging and purging?” I feel like I need at least an hour more rest but will not fall asleep before 5.30 if at all.

6:00 am: my alarm clock is singing “Guten Morgen, guten Morgen, guten Morgen Sonnenschein…” I turn it off. My body is weak from last night’s session. I feel horrible. But I know I have to get up. I need to get a lot of things done today to fit in this society. So I do. My cat is licking my hand, eventually starting to bite it, all happy that he can finally hunt my ankles and bite my legs.

6:20 am: I am off for my daily run. I pick up a friend on the way, listen to what she has to say, being annoyed by some of the superfluous content, while my mind remembers the way I looked in the mirror this morning. All fat and ugly. Exhausted. I keep running, it makes me feel alive. My heart rate is low, I am used to running to much, I need to run more in order to challenge myself and also to loose these extra 10 Ibs.

7:30 am: I am back at my Apartment. Feeling a little energized to star the day and to eat right and healthy. I feel confident that I can do it and that I will recover.

8:20 am: I am at the bus stop waiting for my bus to school. I am wearing a new T Shirt… in the bus someone tells me that I still had the tag on my shirt. I feel so embarrassed while I try to tell myself that this is nothing. It is ok. It can happen to everyone. But it is putting me down. I already feel ashamed about myself, about what I did again last night. I feel like if I look at someone that person can tell. But how would they know? It is a well-kept secret.

9:00 am: I am at Starbucks getting my morning Soy Chai. It is too sweet and I already feel bad about it. I am counting calories. I get lost in thoughts about my weight. I feel my fat wobbling when I walk. I wished I were somewhere or someone else.

Then I usually manage it to work a little bit, while I get distracted very easily.
I get hungry; eat grapes and a rice cake. Have a stomachache. Feel awful. Wished last night did not happen. Wished I were pretty. Wished I were successful. Wished I were not stupid. Wished I could keep my own personal promises and reach my own ideals. I am a failure.

I will eventually eat something like yoghurt and fruit or even a bagel for lunch and drink lots of tea, apple juice or coffee. Feeling awful about anything I consume.

3:00pm: I am getting tired and exhausted. I know I have to work more, so I do and I end till 4 or 5 pm. Time to go to the gym. 70 minutes running is not enough. I need to swim at least 30 minutes or longer or go to exercise after the swim. I need to. I want to be perfect. I need to fit in.

7:00pm : I am taking the bus home. I should have went back to the office working a little more to not be faced with being home alone. I cannot wind down. Not at home but not somewhere else. I have optimistic plans on my evening home alone. I want to cook a healthy and well- balanced meal, eat it while enjoying a good glass of wine or a beer. Watching a DVD or online TV. I would love to relax, but I am already stressed out about what all I have to accomplish the next day, in my life and in recovery. I am overwhelmed by the world I live in and I am overwhelmed with who I am. For all my thoughts circle around this very thought and I cannot figure it out.

If all goes well, I decide to go to bed early.
Sometimes I end up drinking.
If I end up drinking I am most likely to end up binging and purging, but even if I don’t drink I may end up in Bulimia’s arms, my last resort in moments of full self denial and rejection, lost hope and faith, being so lonely that the pain inside is screaming as loud as it can, not waking me up though, but making myself numb for the reality, so I am again torn into purging, trying to get rid of it that way. But I fail. And even though I know I will fail, I try again and again, harder and harder… It is a battle already lost, but I tell myself that lost battles can lead to new beginnings that can be even more powerful, substantial and puissant.

And so I fight the night. Again.

A new day – where is my chivalrous self?

I am chivalrous… that’s what my place mat said yesterday at the Chinese place… ummm.. but where exactly is this part of me?? I could sense it the other week for a few days but then it disappeared again. Where did it go? It would be so amazing to live in a different era. Like in the medieval times 🙂 I would probably be a witch living in the woods all free and happy. One positive point would be that they did not have toilets back then… and I guess I could be happy to have food in general. There would not be the slightest chance of becoming a bulimic. This disease is so evil. I wished I was strong enough to fight it, but it does not only seem so extremely difficult it is exhausting. Exhausting and scary.

Why are there no fairies? I just need one, because I only have one wish.

Why can’t my life be a fairytale?

I want to run away. From my life. From myself.

Doubts and speculations…

Koupani - E. Tomek

Ok, now, I started the day again with my 6K run. It was a good run but I also had a lot of things going on in my head.
Like, should I tell my friend (who called me last night to verify the time to pick her up on my run). I told her on the phone that I watched a documentary on eating disorders. She asked rhetorically “But you don’t have one, do you?” I waited two or three seconds before I said “No.” She did not ask anything about it today. Although I was thinking, if she would maybe I would tell her. She asked if I wanted to come for breakfast, but I rejected.
In any case, I am eating breakfast just now although I am not really hungry. A banana and oatmeal can’t be a bad idea though. I wished I knew how much I weigh though.

I have a little trouble keep finiding myself today. I don’t know but there are these thoughts and doubts and speculations.
I had a dream last night. And I have no clue what to make out of it. I think it is because “he” had mentioned it a few times. Like he said or asked me if I ever considered having sex with a girl or basically being intimate with one. Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post I have thought about it, just like probably every woman has at one point in their life… but last night I had a real’ cool dream but it is kind of puzzling for me now that I remember it. I am not sure. I guess I like the idea of it but I think I would still need a man around, too. Really weird. I mean even in the last couple of weeks I have been looking at women sort of differently and sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch a woman or kiss her I guess.
In any way, I don’t think it could be mind blowing for me but maybe this is something I also need to find out on the journey to myself. In any way I would not know how.
I mean also in our society being gay as a guy seems quite acceptable but being lesbian or even bi as a woman is a taboo. I am not sure, and I do not want to be conform. But here, I am just talking about trying things out I guess anyway, I really like what men can give me – at least I did when I was with him.

Anyway, he was here yesterday but I am not sure anymore why. I thought he wanted to simply show me that he is there for me but I mean, really??
I hope that’s his intention, but it also felt like he was just trying to find answers on how to help his sisters. This might be wrong to say but I have these self-doubts. Why would someone want to be there for me and listen anyway? I’m sick. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t need pity.

I feel a little lost in my thoughts today and I hope I can win back this energy I had the last days.

I will go run errands now and when I come back I will work. Simply keeping myself busy. That should help.

Maybe I will start painting.