No more promises

I promised I would not binge tonight, right?
I promised I would not purge.
I did.
I broke my promises.
And I would call myself stupid and I would call myself a failure. I am full of self-disgust and guilt and pain. But I try just to accept it. It is hard. I disapprove with my own actions very much. But I am responsible for it. Only I am and only I can be. It might not be the right form of dealing with emotional stress, but I have not learned yet really how I can make it better. I know how, but I cannot utilize it yet correctly.
I will be able to someday. But tonight I had to fall back again.
It was just and exhausting day and no one there to lean on, to talk to, to cry. Although I cried in front of two people today, no one was there to give me a hug. And it hurts. Ye more I think about it ye more I feel alone and needless. But I try to just accept this state. I will be fine. Later than I hoped I would be, but eventually I will.
I am strong.
Right?

Getting terminologies straight

Ok, so there is a difference between a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. I got it straight now. I went to see my psychotherapist today whom I felt comfortable talking to today. I think I am building up more trust as we go along. I actually cried a lot today. I told her how I don’t want to go home anymore, how I don’t want to deal with my life over there anymore, how I am so annoyed and stressed by it. We also hit a sore spot in me… me thinking I am so stupid… she asked where this voice came from. Where it originated. And I am not so sure to articulate it. It is inside of me. I just feel like this big big failure. I just wished I had my life back. But it’s ruined.
I am hopeless. I also told her about all the departmental issues. Not all of them, but the most recent and how I feel about it… In fact my prof came up to me today asking why I was so behind and that he wants everyone to have fun… hahahaha… funny… anyway, so there is just a lot going on right now it feels like and it is not really all as it should be…
so, I went to see a psychiatrist today and I had to fill out this 10 page questionnaire again and was questioned by the lady for over an hour… There was so much to talk about. Crazy. And I cried again. And I am exhausted. And I failed again today by eating too much… but I will not purge it. I promised myself… I don’t have anything here to binge on anyway and I needed to to really feel a relief in a purge… It is so bad…
Why did I ever develop this? Why have I never been able to really do what I wanted???
Can I maybe still do it?
Can I make myself proud?
How?

Well, I might start taking anti-depressants, but I don’t want to gain weight from it… and I fear I would…
And the money to spend on it bothers me as well… but the psychiatrist said that I probably would profit from medication in the long run, however, she was honest enough to tell me that there is no answer on how long I would have to take them… so life-long IS an option and that IS scary.
So I am so unsure and yet I know I am the only one to make this decision… and I will also have to be responsible with it… stop drinking and such…

Life is difficult.

God, I miss him

I just miss him so much in my life.
It felt so good to see him at first.
I wondered though if he reads my blogs. I don’t think so, but sometimes he says things, that I have been thinking about in here and I wonder, does he say it because he read it on here or does he say it because he jsut thought the same.
However, I got really mad at him today, I told him I was lonely, and that I soimetimes need someone to talk to when I am really needy. And he tells me to call a support hotline. What the fuck. First, I don’t want to call a fucking support hotline. I don’t waste money on that. second, that is not what I need. I don’t just need to talk. I need to talk to someone who knows me and cares because of me. Some anonymous situation on the phone is ridiculous, I could get in touch with people on BulimihaHelp or whatever instead and it would be better. But a fucking hotline? It’s not helpful at all. my life is too complicated to tell someone on the phone. If I am needy, in times I am really down, I don’t need someone to tell everything, I just need someone who can hold me and reassure me that I belong on this planet, that not all is wasted. I am not asking for pity. I am just asking for direct and immediate support. And I don’t want to bother him, for he knows how much I miss him… It just is so hard to forget about him. And I really try. I even just try to find another guy to hang out with but it does not work… I trust him so much. It is ridiculous.
And all the things he says are the things I tell myself and yet I cannot incorporate it.

I want to be myself again….

I had to leave fast … I got so upset… I did not want to vent out on him, so I decided it would be better to leave soon. And as soon as I had turned the car around I started crying and I had really bad suicidal thoughts. I hit the road towards Mount Bonnell. I got there and sat on the cliffs. Crying. I sent him a message and we messaged a little back and forth. I cried and cried. and it was good I went there, also I was seriously thinking about jumping down. So scary to think about that now… I mean, I was so emotionally unstable in those moments. But I was stronger. I di not. I am home now typing this. And I feel so ripped up. I feel so split in a half. The one half wants the other half back and be one real perosn the other half is scared of the work and the pain.
And that side is stronger most times.
I am so scared.

Rosenstrasse

I watched this intense movie tonight. It is a German-Dutch production about the Jews during World War II. I don’t want to get into it, but there was this scene when Hannah meets the elderly lady Lena.
But the message is so true.

…
Lena: Ich hab’ uns was zu essen hingestellt. Oder machen Sie gerade eine Diaet?
All diese Jungen Frauen heute machen ja andauernd Abmagerungskuren. Das muss ja ungesund sein, glauben sie nicht? Wir waren ja auch sehr mager damals. Aber ganz gegen unseren Willen. Staendig Hunger. Hunger und Angst. Bitte setzen Sie sich doch. ( all these young women seem to always be dieting. That can’t really be healthy, don’t you think? We were very thin back then too. But against our choice. Always hungry. Hungry and scared.)
Hannah: Die Magersuechtigen Frauen heute haben auch Angst. (anorexic women today are scared, too)
Lena: Ach, ja? Das muessen Sie mir erklaeren. Ich habe Kaffee gemacht. Ist Ihnen das recht?
Hannah: Ja, sehr recht.
Lena: Und wovor haben sie Angst? (What are they scared of?)
Hannah: Ich?
Lena: Nein, sie sehen nicht so aus als seien Sie magersuechtig. (no, you don’t look anorexic)
Hannah: Achso, ich nein. Ich glaube… ich denke diese Maedchen haben Angst vorm Leben. (I believe… I think, these girls are scared of life)
…

We cannot chose when and where we are born. We simply can’t. The circumstances may be all oh-so-different. But I guess “ANGST VOR DEM LEBEN” (being scared of life) is what is the nightmare of so many people. Being always in pain. It is simply destructive for a human soul to fell pain all the time. Being scared is just one of the motifs for this uncontrollable pain, especially if you are scared of life. It is the worst for anyone under any circumstances anywhere in this world. And yet too many people are scared. And I am just one of those many fish in the crying river.
I wished I had the strength to fight it, I wished I could just simply close my eyes towards so many things, but I can’t and for me life is not only this mystery – it is driving me crazy to think about it. Why am I here and who am I? What is the world? I feel like a little kid asking these questions over and over again. How can people not ask about it? Why don’t most people try to figure it out? Why is there good and bad in the world and why do I have to feel this pain in such an extreme that it is tearing my soul and heart out at one and the same second?

I am just scared.
I just want to be happy.

Feels like a lie

The whole heartbreak seems like a big big lie to me. Why, after all he has told me, do I still think he is the right one for me? This feeling has become even stronger. It is ridiculous, because what he thinks I am looking for is so not what it is. And I can’t make him see that.
I realized though that what I like about him most is that he is who he is, but at the same time do I see myself in him. I know it sounds strange, but with him I have always been able to be who I am. I am talking from the time that we we were seeing each other in May. The direction it took once I left was not direced by myself but by Bulimia. She was the one who made and still makes me feel miserable. About myself, about my life about everything. And I am not that way. I want to break free from her so badly. And I regret so much for not having done so earlier. She has caused me to lose Daniel. I start realizing that I lost him and the cause does not matter. I did not even try to explain it to him, because he has made his mind up and I know and don’t want to control him. As soon as I closed the door to his place I started crying, and I did on the way home. I was being laughed at from this guy driving next to me, stopping at the red light. So I stopped crying. I don’t want anybody to see my pain.
I got home, and I almost purged. I threw myself on the floor and wished I could have screamed. I decided to distract myself and went online where I found that rescuing post. I am so done with Bulimia. And as Daniel has left me so will Bulimia leave with him. It is just so incredibly painful. I could not stand the pain at all last night – I don’t want it. And I don’t need it I have so many other things to do. But then I wished I could just run away. And be.
How can I lose the feeling of still having this special connection to this guy?
It’s just a fucking guy.
But it’s Daniel.

So, I don’t know if what I did then was any better, but I did not purge. This other guy who is obviously interested in me called and I said I was sad. So, he came over to give me a guitar lesson. He came over and stayed late. He sang a song for me, played the guitar, had me play some chords. But my mind was circling around the idea of having Daniel sitting there instead.
I told him how sad I was and I told him why. I did not say much about who the guy was,but I told him how heartbroken I am and how I miss this guy. He “understood”, but I know for him it did not really matter, he just wanted to spend some time with me (we originally planned on hanging out, but I canceled because of Daniel – he was not mad about it). But I don’t feel good about him wanting me. On the other hand I think it is the best to get over a heartbreak. Just find someone else. And we kissed and made out. But it just reminded me on how good Daniel made me feel when he kissed me and we he touched me, and the way he made love to me… I think I miss that the most. It made me feel so close to him. And I even let go. I regret so much I did because now it seems like I will never be able to again. But I feel like I need to. It is so… heartbreaking. I cannot concentrate, and all I want is to cry.

How could I have been so wrong. Why did I … sorry, Bulimia, ruin everything?
I don’t want to let him go. I feel like I’ll lose my heart on the way. I am breaking down.
I try hard to find this strength that is there somewhere. I have overcome worse, but I am tired and I am exhausted. I have been disappointed way too often in my life to take this pain right now.
and I hate him so much for being so different to what he used to be in May. It feels like he is so scared of falling in love that he is using all these excuses. And for me they are not even excuses. I see them as means of self-protection and I can relate to why he does that. But it is not fair. He has played with my feelings. I hate him for that and I hate Bulimia because she has managed to go in alliance with him.
I told him this as well: I would sell my soul to get rid of this pain. I really would.

CRY

and again, my Bulimia Help friend inspired me.
I was about to purge dinner (a beer, yep… my dinner) then I read this on my wall and instead of purging I cried:

“wow you’re incredibly insightful! that’s so great to read, it sounds like you’re truly on the path to getting better. it is very normal to feel unable to experience emotions – this is what the eating disorder is, it is what we turn to in our lives when our difficult emotions are too painful to face, so we numb ourselves with the self destruction that comes with bulimia. it becomes our coping mechanism, so of course when you enter recovery you are still carrying with you the tendancy and (temporary) inability to feel your emotions. the fact you can recognise this is so positive, it truly means you are on the path to recovery. i had a very challenging time the first six months or so of my recovery – it took me a long time to feel my emotions again, and when i did it was extremely uncomfortable as i had been numbing myself for ten years. but i worked through this for several more months, as will you, and over this time it got easier and easier. an eating disorder allows you to emerge such an insightful person – you learn so much about yourself, and indeed about the human race, because you truly understand suffering! so everything you’re feeling is very natural, and also temporary. keep on the path you’re on and you’ll most certainly emerge. it takes time of course, but try to enjoy this journey of self discovery – because that’s what it is!”

Thanks a million!!! You don’t even understand (well, probably you do) how much this means to me tonight. I just came back from seeing the guy I lost… I have so much pain inside me and so much anger towards Bulimia.

I am stronger than you, fucking Bulimia, I will be better off without you.
You will not control my life anymore and you will not cause me suffering again. Because of you I am crying my heart out tonight. But eventually a new heart will grow instead. A better heart. One without your stains and bonds. I hate you for you have controlled my life for 13 years.
Tonight is the night. You are done, Bulimia. Get the hell out of my life. Get lost. I hate you so much. You have taken away the most wonderful person in my life. I know that noone can replace his spot, but at least you will be gone with him. At least you will no longer rule my world.
BElieve me, Bulimia, you are done with your games. I know you enjoyed the manipulation. I know you enjoyed to play with me, but there is nothing you can do.

Game over.