I know, I wanted to spread my positive attitude more than this negative thinking, but today is just not the right day. It started out well I had a session with my nutritionist and she as well as I see a few positive changes in my eating behavior and my way of thinking, however, she was not very happy about the fact that I was still holding on to the idea of not wanting to gain weight (in fact, I still want to lose some). So she asked me again “What do you think, did you gain weight?” and of course I said, yes, because that is how I feel about my body – I feel fat and big. So when it came to the point that I had to step on the scale I was very surprised I lost 1.5Ibs in the last week. I really thought I gained weight especially because I have been purging. It is so strange because I see how fat my belly and my thighs are. How come it does not show on the scale?
She said: So, you now know you have a body image distortion?
Well, no, I don’t see that. But I see that I am losing weight and I see that I am staying away from home if I can and I see that I do that so I don’t get triggered to binge… because I don’t want to purge anymore, and yes, I also do that because I don’t want to gain weight. I just cannot let go of that idea. And I may even not eat enough, but I am scared of food sometimes, because it can make me fat and yes it can do that rather quickly. And I don’t want that, because I don’t want to be fatter again.
Yet I know I have to give in. I have to let go of that control. That is what recovery is about on the eating part… My thinking has to change drastically. I shall not worry about it anymore, but I do. I do a lot. And yes, it bothers me, and yes I know that it produces thoughts like self-misery, self-hate etc. and I also know that it creates so darn stupid situations for me, like today: I cannot concentrate, and no, I don’t want these situations. And in fact I cannot allow these situations, because I need to accomplish things, I need to prove myself every single day and I want to be acknowledged for who I am and what I can do. But it does not work and I am so frustrated about my own self.
You see, my perfectionist self is very strong today…
I am very upset about my achievements of the last weeks. I believe I could and should have done more. And all the explanations I am giving about why I haven’t sound like cheap excuses. My life is a mess and I don’t even can bring up the strength to clean it up. I cannot even clean up the physical things (like go through paperwork that has piling up in my office… but I need to, but it feels so overwhelming… when I was little I loved to do that. I enjoyed going through the things I had and decide on whether I still needed them or not. I was able to do whatever I felt like and I enjoyed so many things. I wonder, why I have torn away from that. Why I have directed myself in a totally self-destructive direction. And how that could happen to me.
I know it sounds super stupid and super stubborn, but sometimes I feel like I could reach so much more if I could just channel my thoughts and focus. If I would just be able to make myself sit down or get up and do what I have in mind. I have so many ideas soaring around in my head and heart. I feel like I could realize them all, but at the same time I feel like I will fall down and I will fail and then I give in. I always give in. I just wished I was strong. I wished I would accomplish something that would bring me forward. I wished I was smart.
Edit: Why can I not get anything done?? I am at work since 9, ok had 3 meetings and lunch with my adivsor in between, but cannot get anything productive done… I need to do updates and they need to get done before tomorrow. Why do I waste time just sitting around doing nothing? I could be done by now and go to the pool and read a book and enjoy the weather. Or go have a coffee… I am getting hungry but now I have to stay and finish. If I ever get started.
Edit 2: Wow, I feel like I cannot get my work done. It is so overwhelming. What the hell is wrong with me. I again wished I was smart…
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