Future Angst

I feel like I am failing academically. I am not doing as good as I used to. I lost my passion and I seriously doubt that I can do it. In fact, I want to do something else. BUT most of all I want to stay here. I don’t want to have to leave. My life is so much better here and I am finally taking care of myself. Without the medical help I receive here I would be lost and I need to recover before I go somewhere else. The only thing I know, therefore, is that I need to stay. And to stay I need to keep my visa… and I got that only for what I am doing now. And it is such a dilemma, because it is not the right thing for me to do nor is it in any way fulfilling. I don’t even know who tot talk to about that.
Who would know what I can do?
It is so frustrating right now.
And without these worries, I think I would be doing so much better.
And I don’t want to give up, and I don’t want to think negative, but I have no clue how to handle this any longer? And I feel so stupid, because so many people don’t do what their heart desires, so I am one of them. But they seem to be much stronger, because they keep on doing what they have to do. But I stumble. I fall. Constantly. And the wounds don’t heal up, because there is no time for them before I fall again.
What a shame.
Why is everything just so so difficult?
Someone tell me.
Someone help.

Accepting my emotions

Ok, so trying to push the negative thoughts away is not a good idea… that’s what Paula said. So, I have to accept them, I have to in a way acknowledge their existence but at the same time try to move on, that is I need to be able to separate myself from them. I wonder how that would be like…
I feel down, devastated, depressed… I should have asked her. What does it mean in practice? Should I cry? Should I tell myself “I see and feel it’s there, but I will not cry? Should I focus on the things I need to do, or would that mean I am pushing it aside?
I am a bit confused about it. Although I understand what she means by accepting it and allowing those feelings. It seems difficult to do.

We talked about so many issues today. Well, I had my mind all over the place, and my impatience is just going up and down the wall, it is insane.

I told her, how I was doing pretty well today and that it might be because I am seeing Daniel today. He is the only one I can talk to. He is supportive in doing nothing, but listening. He simply does not try to fix me, but tell me that I will be fine. I would be lost without him. Because I have no one comparably wonderful in my life. Even though he is not really there, and I really miss him physically, I think it won’t harm me to see him. I’m verifying this because Paula kept asking me how I felt about it, why I wanted to see him, if it really is a good idea. She would cover her face with her hands, what I wasn’t really sure how to read. And I probably should not interpret EVERYTHING. However, she asked for my strategy (I guess, meaning other motifs behind my intention to see him) but this brought us somehow to my mom… like how she is a self-named therapist (having studied Psychology a little and reading psych stuff all the time she may even be eligible for the title…
So, my mom for example would just try to therapy me and fix me. It’s not her duty and I don’t want her to anyway. Although I almost told her about what I am going through… I keep telling people about it, it is ridiculous, because I really have to be careful who I can trust. And there are not many people that deserve to be trusted anyway.
So, Daniel, is just there, and that’s where the circle ends. I mean, he is what I need in terms of support. That I wished there was more than that is another issue. And I will follow Daniel’s rule of not talking about us – at least I will try… I guess. Ha, Paula also said what we would talk about or if we would actually talk if I was doing ok. Would we meet? Would we talk about music, films etc? I said I think we would, but just now I think… No. Probably not and that would be really sad. But that is probably the whole point…

Paula also asked in that context who else I have in my life. Which I answered with “my cat”. But extended it with some good will to my new roommate (while we still have to get to know each other), my departmental friends and people in Germany, who I don’t want to share private issues with simply because it would just make it worse for them to understand. Long distance support is not a good idea right now.

I also told her how I am passionate about teaching, not the work around it, but that I can zone in to my teaching perfectly, I will not think about what really concerns me. I will do my thing, I want to give them a good experience learning and do my best at it. While I am always very self-critical.

Oh and I will start taking medication. I have made my mind up about that and I will at least try. I think it can speed things up and really help my depression. I don’t want to gain weight through it though, and become indifferent and emotionally numb. These are my top 3 concerns about it.
Nonetheless, I agree with Paula, that my life is just way too complicated especially on the interpersonal level that a little help chemically could be of success.
However, my body image and weight issues are still very severe I believe.
I just made myself eat a slice of bread with tomato-cottage cheese-onion “spread”… I feel bad about it, because I had a piece of coffee cake with my soy chai at Starbucks this morning… so in addition to my apple juice I am already over half of what I allow myself. In fact, there is this post from a stupid blog on my mind… I have been scanning it the other day it was written by an “ex-anorexic” BUT she did not seem to be a ex-anorexic at all. It made me mad. She would be posting about how bad she has been doing with food. Like she would allow herself only 400kcal a day and that day she must have expanded it to 500 and she could not deal with it. Something like that. Anyway, it makes me think about how my allowance is 3times as much at the most and how fat I must be if I ate 3 times as much as an ex anorexic. I mean, I can figure out myself that she obviously is not recovered yet but that is what makes me mad. Don’t lie to others and especially, please don’t lie to yourself. You are harming yourself and others who really try and want to get back on track…
I don’t know why I brought this up now, but I needed to vent on this, I suppose.

Back to Paula: we talked briefly about body image and body image distortion. I need to ask Amanda about a study which must have been done among people with an eating disorder, in which they are asked to compare themselves to silhouttes, that is pick the silhouette that matches your own body type. What happened? Of course the matching was inappropriate. I wonder how that can be. I really see myself and I see myself on pictures. I mean.. hello? I don’t get it.
Then she told me about someone from UT who does research in educational psychology. Kristin Neff specializes in self-compassion studies I assume. I am reading her article from January when she was awarded a grant from UT. Anyway, I will see how helpful that is.

Ok, at any rate, I am doing pretty good today, run some errands and then meet Daniel.

🙂

Maybe a good day

I realized that I have not been posting so positively anymore.
After all I have to beat this and go on with my life in a constructive way.
I know I can do it. It is inside of me. I just have to wake up first. And I shall not try to find someone who could possibly do that for me.
It is a lot of work, too, so I will need a little bit of time to figure it all out, and make it work.

For today, I will proceed the way Paula suggested and go step by step.
I am actually going to see her today and I will talk to her a little more about getting meds to speed up the process. I mean, I don’t like the idea at all, but after having talked to a few more people and reading about it, I believe that it might really be helpful, especially because I have been thinking extremely negative about life in general lately and I actually don’t want to. I mean, I don’t think I could ever commit suicide, but just thinking about how worthless I feel and how I don’t see a purpose in life really… I mean, that’s just scary.
I don’t want that. I want to be that fun, confident, sweet girl I know is in me somewhere. I might be a bit crazy to, but in a good way.

Today, I will be fine.

Feeling down…

I know, I wanted to spread my positive attitude more than this negative thinking, but today is just not the right day. It started out well I had a session with my nutritionist and she as well as I see a few positive changes in my eating behavior and my way of thinking, however, she was not very happy about the fact that I was still holding on to the idea of not wanting to gain weight (in fact, I still want to lose some). So she asked me again “What do you think, did you gain weight?” and of course I said, yes, because that is how I feel about my body – I feel fat and big. So when it came to the point that I had to step on the scale I was very surprised I lost 1.5Ibs in the last week. I really thought I gained weight especially because I have been purging. It is so strange because I see how fat my belly and my thighs are. How come it does not show on the scale?
She said: So, you now know you have a body image distortion?
Well, no, I don’t see that. But I see that I am losing weight and I see that I am staying away from home if I can and I see that I do that so I don’t get triggered to binge… because I don’t want to purge anymore, and yes, I also do that because I don’t want to gain weight. I just cannot let go of that idea. And I may even not eat enough, but I am scared of food sometimes, because it can make me fat and yes it can do that rather quickly. And I don’t want that, because I don’t want to be fatter again.
Yet I know I have to give in. I have to let go of that control. That is what recovery is about on the eating part… My thinking has to change drastically. I shall not worry about it anymore, but I do. I do a lot. And yes, it bothers me, and yes I know that it produces thoughts like self-misery, self-hate etc. and I also know that it creates so darn stupid situations for me, like today: I cannot concentrate, and no, I don’t want these situations. And in fact I cannot allow these situations, because I need to accomplish things, I need to prove myself every single day and I want to be acknowledged for who I am and what I can do. But it does not work and I am so frustrated about my own self.

You see, my perfectionist self is very strong today…

I am very upset about my achievements of the last weeks. I believe I could and should have done more. And all the explanations I am giving about why I haven’t sound like cheap excuses. My life is a mess and I don’t even can bring up the strength to clean it up. I cannot even clean up the physical things (like go through paperwork that has piling up in my office… but I need to, but it feels so overwhelming… when I was little I loved to do that. I enjoyed going through the things I had and decide on whether I still needed them or not. I was able to do whatever I felt like and I enjoyed so many things. I wonder, why I have torn away from that. Why I have directed myself in a totally self-destructive direction. And how that could happen to me.

I know it sounds super stupid and super stubborn, but sometimes I feel like I could reach so much more if I could just channel my thoughts and focus. If I would just be able to make myself sit down or get up and do what I have in mind. I have so many ideas soaring around in my head and heart. I feel like I could realize them all, but at the same time I feel like I will fall down and I will fail and then I give in. I always give in. I just wished I was strong. I wished I would accomplish something that would bring me forward. I wished I was smart.

Edit: Why can I not get anything done?? I am at work since 9, ok had 3 meetings and lunch with my adivsor in between, but cannot get anything productive done… I need to do updates and they need to get done before tomorrow. Why do I waste time just sitting around doing nothing? I could be done by now and go to the pool and read a book and enjoy the weather. Or go have a coffee… I am getting hungry but now I have to stay and finish. If I ever get started.

Edit 2: Wow, I feel like I cannot get my work done. It is so overwhelming. What the hell is wrong with me. I again wished I was smart…