Accepting my emotions

Ok, so trying to push the negative thoughts away is not a good idea… that’s what Paula said. So, I have to accept them, I have to in a way acknowledge their existence but at the same time try to move on, that is I need to be able to separate myself from them. I wonder how that would be like…
I feel down, devastated, depressed… I should have asked her. What does it mean in practice? Should I cry? Should I tell myself “I see and feel it’s there, but I will not cry? Should I focus on the things I need to do, or would that mean I am pushing it aside?
I am a bit confused about it. Although I understand what she means by accepting it and allowing those feelings. It seems difficult to do.

We talked about so many issues today. Well, I had my mind all over the place, and my impatience is just going up and down the wall, it is insane.

I told her, how I was doing pretty well today and that it might be because I am seeing Daniel today. He is the only one I can talk to. He is supportive in doing nothing, but listening. He simply does not try to fix me, but tell me that I will be fine. I would be lost without him. Because I have no one comparably wonderful in my life. Even though he is not really there, and I really miss him physically, I think it won’t harm me to see him. I’m verifying this because Paula kept asking me how I felt about it, why I wanted to see him, if it really is a good idea. She would cover her face with her hands, what I wasn’t really sure how to read. And I probably should not interpret EVERYTHING. However, she asked for my strategy (I guess, meaning other motifs behind my intention to see him) but this brought us somehow to my mom… like how she is a self-named therapist (having studied Psychology a little and reading psych stuff all the time she may even be eligible for the title…
So, my mom for example would just try to therapy me and fix me. It’s not her duty and I don’t want her to anyway. Although I almost told her about what I am going through… I keep telling people about it, it is ridiculous, because I really have to be careful who I can trust. And there are not many people that deserve to be trusted anyway.
So, Daniel, is just there, and that’s where the circle ends. I mean, he is what I need in terms of support. That I wished there was more than that is another issue. And I will follow Daniel’s rule of not talking about us – at least I will try… I guess. Ha, Paula also said what we would talk about or if we would actually talk if I was doing ok. Would we meet? Would we talk about music, films etc? I said I think we would, but just now I think… No. Probably not and that would be really sad. But that is probably the whole point…

Paula also asked in that context who else I have in my life. Which I answered with “my cat”. But extended it with some good will to my new roommate (while we still have to get to know each other), my departmental friends and people in Germany, who I don’t want to share private issues with simply because it would just make it worse for them to understand. Long distance support is not a good idea right now.

I also told her how I am passionate about teaching, not the work around it, but that I can zone in to my teaching perfectly, I will not think about what really concerns me. I will do my thing, I want to give them a good experience learning and do my best at it. While I am always very self-critical.

Oh and I will start taking medication. I have made my mind up about that and I will at least try. I think it can speed things up and really help my depression. I don’t want to gain weight through it though, and become indifferent and emotionally numb. These are my top 3 concerns about it.
Nonetheless, I agree with Paula, that my life is just way too complicated especially on the interpersonal level that a little help chemically could be of success.
However, my body image and weight issues are still very severe I believe.
I just made myself eat a slice of bread with tomato-cottage cheese-onion “spread”… I feel bad about it, because I had a piece of coffee cake with my soy chai at Starbucks this morning… so in addition to my apple juice I am already over half of what I allow myself. In fact, there is this post from a stupid blog on my mind… I have been scanning it the other day it was written by an “ex-anorexic” BUT she did not seem to be a ex-anorexic at all. It made me mad. She would be posting about how bad she has been doing with food. Like she would allow herself only 400kcal a day and that day she must have expanded it to 500 and she could not deal with it. Something like that. Anyway, it makes me think about how my allowance is 3times as much at the most and how fat I must be if I ate 3 times as much as an ex anorexic. I mean, I can figure out myself that she obviously is not recovered yet but that is what makes me mad. Don’t lie to others and especially, please don’t lie to yourself. You are harming yourself and others who really try and want to get back on track…
I don’t know why I brought this up now, but I needed to vent on this, I suppose.

Back to Paula: we talked briefly about body image and body image distortion. I need to ask Amanda about a study which must have been done among people with an eating disorder, in which they are asked to compare themselves to silhouttes, that is pick the silhouette that matches your own body type. What happened? Of course the matching was inappropriate. I wonder how that can be. I really see myself and I see myself on pictures. I mean.. hello? I don’t get it.
Then she told me about someone from UT who does research in educational psychology. Kristin Neff specializes in self-compassion studies I assume. I am reading her article from January when she was awarded a grant from UT. Anyway, I will see how helpful that is.

Ok, at any rate, I am doing pretty good today, run some errands and then meet Daniel.

🙂

Feeling down…

I know, I wanted to spread my positive attitude more than this negative thinking, but today is just not the right day. It started out well I had a session with my nutritionist and she as well as I see a few positive changes in my eating behavior and my way of thinking, however, she was not very happy about the fact that I was still holding on to the idea of not wanting to gain weight (in fact, I still want to lose some). So she asked me again “What do you think, did you gain weight?” and of course I said, yes, because that is how I feel about my body – I feel fat and big. So when it came to the point that I had to step on the scale I was very surprised I lost 1.5Ibs in the last week. I really thought I gained weight especially because I have been purging. It is so strange because I see how fat my belly and my thighs are. How come it does not show on the scale?
She said: So, you now know you have a body image distortion?
Well, no, I don’t see that. But I see that I am losing weight and I see that I am staying away from home if I can and I see that I do that so I don’t get triggered to binge… because I don’t want to purge anymore, and yes, I also do that because I don’t want to gain weight. I just cannot let go of that idea. And I may even not eat enough, but I am scared of food sometimes, because it can make me fat and yes it can do that rather quickly. And I don’t want that, because I don’t want to be fatter again.
Yet I know I have to give in. I have to let go of that control. That is what recovery is about on the eating part… My thinking has to change drastically. I shall not worry about it anymore, but I do. I do a lot. And yes, it bothers me, and yes I know that it produces thoughts like self-misery, self-hate etc. and I also know that it creates so darn stupid situations for me, like today: I cannot concentrate, and no, I don’t want these situations. And in fact I cannot allow these situations, because I need to accomplish things, I need to prove myself every single day and I want to be acknowledged for who I am and what I can do. But it does not work and I am so frustrated about my own self.

You see, my perfectionist self is very strong today…

I am very upset about my achievements of the last weeks. I believe I could and should have done more. And all the explanations I am giving about why I haven’t sound like cheap excuses. My life is a mess and I don’t even can bring up the strength to clean it up. I cannot even clean up the physical things (like go through paperwork that has piling up in my office… but I need to, but it feels so overwhelming… when I was little I loved to do that. I enjoyed going through the things I had and decide on whether I still needed them or not. I was able to do whatever I felt like and I enjoyed so many things. I wonder, why I have torn away from that. Why I have directed myself in a totally self-destructive direction. And how that could happen to me.

I know it sounds super stupid and super stubborn, but sometimes I feel like I could reach so much more if I could just channel my thoughts and focus. If I would just be able to make myself sit down or get up and do what I have in mind. I have so many ideas soaring around in my head and heart. I feel like I could realize them all, but at the same time I feel like I will fall down and I will fail and then I give in. I always give in. I just wished I was strong. I wished I would accomplish something that would bring me forward. I wished I was smart.

Edit: Why can I not get anything done?? I am at work since 9, ok had 3 meetings and lunch with my adivsor in between, but cannot get anything productive done… I need to do updates and they need to get done before tomorrow. Why do I waste time just sitting around doing nothing? I could be done by now and go to the pool and read a book and enjoy the weather. Or go have a coffee… I am getting hungry but now I have to stay and finish. If I ever get started.

Edit 2: Wow, I feel like I cannot get my work done. It is so overwhelming. What the hell is wrong with me. I again wished I was smart…

Teenagers and Eating Disorders

Ok… so now I watched this “documentary” I ordered on Netflix. It is not all so bad as the raitings were saying but only really appealing for teens. And I am 25 and new all that already so I can already say this: “GET HELP NOW” IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE EVER!!!!!

So, but what did this documentary tell me:

more and more young people have eating disorder….
We know that, right?? And I disagree it is not a a trend but more a finally revealed fact.

Those who have an ED are physically worn out.
Yes, they are.

And it is about an obsession with food… Well in the teenage years, maybe yes, but then?? No!! I mean, it starts with that but there is more to it and we will get there….
Also a lot of us struggling with an ED also exercise execessivley, right?! Right. But still it is not a factor that applies to all of us. We are all so different.

Anyway, there cannot be a “Change over night” they say.. Umm… well, I guess not, but we all wished and we also think we can help ourselves…. at least those of us who are into it for a long long time.

The big question for teens though seems to be: how to get help.

I can relate to that very well. I was NEVER skinny and always a little chubby and thus, thought I was not really sick or that no one would believe me anyway. This is very very dangerous and I wished now that I had reached out earlier. It would have saved me from losing so many years of my life…

So, it is all about identifying the problem????
That is part of it.
We all get impressions of how to look:
TV, magazines, society show us the standards to live up to (and NO, this does not only apply to girls). But in the end we cannot blame the media that we don’t have any self consciousness and that we are just because of that obsessed with weight, our look and the competiton with others. The obsession is not the cause and of course we ll know that the medai is big fake place with airbrush and photoshop… so there is no real reason to look like that….

But we all strive for perfection which we will never reach. This is the truth – sorry. Not only is it subjective but it is simply not a goal to strive for, because it would make life and the world so boring!!!!

But, I understand if you say that society makes you think that this or that is what everyone thinks.

So here is what I think is important:

Be comfortable with yourself (how and who you are!!!). If you are not yet, and if you are bulimic you are probably not, get help, because you need to find the DEEPER problems. We are all unhappy, imperfect, right?
We want to take control and try to find a way to do so…

“Be or not to be”

is for us:

“Eat or not eat”

anorexics: don’t
bulimics: throw up

However we forget about the side effects or push them aside, seriously believeing we are not sick just because we are not really losing weight or not skinny enough….

BUT THIS IS so hazardous for teens ut also for people like me who are already 25 or older and I threw away already half of my life…. I have been unable to conentrate, been tired and passed out more than once or twice…

We are mentally and physically sick.

We are hurt inside and it will start showing on the outside. Sooner or later.

Get help SOONER, please!!

For me one of the underlyin reasons was that I never received my dad’s love. So and here I agree in full ith the movie: I hurt myself to reinforce that I am not worthy.
I compared myself and I always wanted to be different… to fix pain. Such a weird and messed up life and mood and my behavior even got to be addictive.

I also never had any self esteem -as most of us….
All I felt was OUT OF CONTROL but the urge to be in control…
I thought I was very emotional, but I was only if it was concerning other people. I cared way too much about other than about myself, because I thought it was a perfect trait to be caring…. BUT: we have to think about oour own self first. If we are not anymore what help can we be??? NONE!!!!

I have to learn to accept my feelings. MINE.
and I need to learn to TALK!!!

I could never tell one of my old friends, but I opened up towards a person who I probably believed was able to take it ( wow, I realize this now, I think I am not telling certain people, because I believe, that they could not deal with it because they are not on my level of understanding…. ok, this probably only makes sense to me 😉 )

Any way, please, everyone GET HELP:

a friend
teacher
counselor
your parents

I know it is about trust and I myself had and have the biggest struggle with that…

but TALK TO SOMEONE!!!
Someone who will provide you with further help.
“You will see the world in a different persepctive and gain purpose back in life”

for me it has been a mind blowing experience so far and I am anxious and excited about what else I will learn.

I am finding myself and that it also what EDS are about.

It seriously may help you if you have someone else tell you that you are in danger. My ex “bf” did that. He is amazing.
I have a t
people just need to listen for hours to get weight off

PLUS therapist listening to me, but him listening means a lot to me. The world.

So, also keep in mind to learm about nutrition and other healthy life choices. so, no medications (it#s just addictive, exoensive and unhelpful! If there was medication that would work, there would be no me or you or at least the probelm and situation we are in would have already been solved and someone out there who would be a billionaire….
Learn how to diet correctly and drink enough water, get a balanced exercise to be happy with yourself and your appearance. Don’t rely on others or their approval.. I mean, why???

This was the equation he movie served me with:

H [health] + S [success] = [a&sY] accepting and supporting yourself!!!

BE YOURSELF!
Be happy with yourself

Start with getting help and try to figure out your vwry own personal problems.
It may take time but your attitude is all that matters

The body is THE part of us : physically, emotionally, intellectualy and all this works together to make us wonderful!!!

Good night everyone.