Our Body Image and View of Beauty

Where do we find true Beauty??
Only in ourselves!
Don’t let unrealistic views become your ideal. Neither have them judge over you.

Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is pretty. We are special and unique.
PLUS, we have a brain and we use it. 🙂

Check the Website of the Dove Self Esteem Foundation. It has great video streams and information 🙂

Feeling down…

I know, I wanted to spread my positive attitude more than this negative thinking, but today is just not the right day. It started out well I had a session with my nutritionist and she as well as I see a few positive changes in my eating behavior and my way of thinking, however, she was not very happy about the fact that I was still holding on to the idea of not wanting to gain weight (in fact, I still want to lose some). So she asked me again “What do you think, did you gain weight?” and of course I said, yes, because that is how I feel about my body – I feel fat and big. So when it came to the point that I had to step on the scale I was very surprised I lost 1.5Ibs in the last week. I really thought I gained weight especially because I have been purging. It is so strange because I see how fat my belly and my thighs are. How come it does not show on the scale?
She said: So, you now know you have a body image distortion?
Well, no, I don’t see that. But I see that I am losing weight and I see that I am staying away from home if I can and I see that I do that so I don’t get triggered to binge… because I don’t want to purge anymore, and yes, I also do that because I don’t want to gain weight. I just cannot let go of that idea. And I may even not eat enough, but I am scared of food sometimes, because it can make me fat and yes it can do that rather quickly. And I don’t want that, because I don’t want to be fatter again.
Yet I know I have to give in. I have to let go of that control. That is what recovery is about on the eating part… My thinking has to change drastically. I shall not worry about it anymore, but I do. I do a lot. And yes, it bothers me, and yes I know that it produces thoughts like self-misery, self-hate etc. and I also know that it creates so darn stupid situations for me, like today: I cannot concentrate, and no, I don’t want these situations. And in fact I cannot allow these situations, because I need to accomplish things, I need to prove myself every single day and I want to be acknowledged for who I am and what I can do. But it does not work and I am so frustrated about my own self.

You see, my perfectionist self is very strong today…

I am very upset about my achievements of the last weeks. I believe I could and should have done more. And all the explanations I am giving about why I haven’t sound like cheap excuses. My life is a mess and I don’t even can bring up the strength to clean it up. I cannot even clean up the physical things (like go through paperwork that has piling up in my office… but I need to, but it feels so overwhelming… when I was little I loved to do that. I enjoyed going through the things I had and decide on whether I still needed them or not. I was able to do whatever I felt like and I enjoyed so many things. I wonder, why I have torn away from that. Why I have directed myself in a totally self-destructive direction. And how that could happen to me.

I know it sounds super stupid and super stubborn, but sometimes I feel like I could reach so much more if I could just channel my thoughts and focus. If I would just be able to make myself sit down or get up and do what I have in mind. I have so many ideas soaring around in my head and heart. I feel like I could realize them all, but at the same time I feel like I will fall down and I will fail and then I give in. I always give in. I just wished I was strong. I wished I would accomplish something that would bring me forward. I wished I was smart.

Edit: Why can I not get anything done?? I am at work since 9, ok had 3 meetings and lunch with my adivsor in between, but cannot get anything productive done… I need to do updates and they need to get done before tomorrow. Why do I waste time just sitting around doing nothing? I could be done by now and go to the pool and read a book and enjoy the weather. Or go have a coffee… I am getting hungry but now I have to stay and finish. If I ever get started.

Edit 2: Wow, I feel like I cannot get my work done. It is so overwhelming. What the hell is wrong with me. I again wished I was smart…

Failure is human

Today was a very good day in terms of eating and keeping it in…
I had a busy day, too, so that helped.
I am not getting much of the important things done though, but I am trying and I eventually will.
I always have.
The only thing that bothers me is that I could do so much better. For some reason I know that there is a smart person inside of me. And I even think that person is pretty cool and cute and sweet and real… It is just scared to let her out, or may I say she is scared to get out?
She is scared to fail.
She is scared to fail, because she has dreams. High dreams and high expectations on herself.

But yes, I start to understand that failure is a part of life. That things will not always or even most of the time not go the way I want it.
But hey! Isn’t that ok? Isn’t that what challenges us each day?

I just wished I was normal again. I want to enjoy the things I used to like and find new things to indulge in with all my heart.
I want to live life in its fullest!!

Bulimia is the biggest hurdle I have to overcome in order to find myself and if i can beat her I will be able to do anything!

A beautiful life

Sitting outside in the warm sun, talking to a friend, drinking a coffee with soy milk, enjoying every minute.
I meet this Sociology professor, Daniel’s friend, and briefly talk to him. He welcomes me back and asks how I am doing, and for the first time in a while I feel truly appreciated. I accept him saying that and his genuine smile animates me. When I leave to go back to work he waves and smiles again confirming once more that it is really good to see me again. I am reminded of the pain my broken heart is causing me, but I accept it. I give in, grieving inside. I met him when times where good, but I realize through him today that times eventually will be good again. People may or may not appreciate me being here, but most importantly I appreciate myself living. Even if it just today. There are always good days and there will always be bad days; moments of hope, of joy and of love will always take turns with the darkest times. But I want to believe, that I can only grow from moments of pain, sorrow and obscurity. I just have to start accepting them as an essential part of the whole.
I will be fine. I just need to remind myself that I am worthy.
I embrace this day. I am strong.

Tonight, I will not stay home all by myself, as I had planned in order to escape a social eating event. I will go to the BBQ. I will prepare a pasta salad, and chicken/veggie spears. I will not overeat. I will not binge. I will not purge. I have not been purging for five consecutive days and tomorrow I can say it have been six. I am proud of myself. I am fighting. I’m in the midst of the battle, and I will not fall down, because I am who I am and that person is as strong as a lance made of purified gold.

Everyone is beautiful

Yes, the heading is correct. It is me speaking! Me! Not Bulimia!
We shall use this day to show how beautiful we all are in our very own special ways. It is inside us all. Oppressed by false ideas around beauty as presented to us from our society, colored by the painters of fashion magazines and Hollywood, influenced by the people who raised us, who we met throughout life, who have hurt us, who have diasappointed us, from whom we have learned not to trust, not even our own self…

But we are our own artists, aren’t we?
And what would this world be like if we all would be and look the same? If we all experienced the same? If we all reacted the same?
We don’t want that, we want to express our own special, true selves.

So, this recovery again feels like this journey to my true self and I am so happy today is such a day. I may be anxious about tomorrow, but for today I will embrace everything, I will not judge, I will just receive.
It feels strange, but deep down inside me there is this powerful young lady ready to rock the world. Ready to untie the knots, throw away the bonds an be free. Independent. Me.

Keep it up everyone!
We can do it!
We just have to keep going. Step by step.

Men hinder recovery, do they?!

Ok, I think the date post needs some more explanation.
In fact I figured out why I had been binging and purging again last week after doing so well for a few days.
Those few days I only did well, because of the guy I lost. I wanted (and still want) him back. As I said, I miss everything about him and it hurts so much to have lost him. Not the fact that he does not like me the way I was hoping and actually thinking he did, but more about the fact how I have again been successful in manipulating situations so that I will not get hurt by others but by my own actions. I wished I could have seen that before I scared him away.
At any rate, after we talked the last time (he was sitting right over there in that chair… looking awfully good…) I start thinking, that I cannot get him back. My hope is in vain and also I got very frustrated about me thinking he just wanted to get some ideas on how girls are affected if the father leaves the family (for this is one of the reasons why I started b/p, well one cause, no reason, the reason lays deeper). Anyway, so I don’t know if I should fight for him. I think it would scare him again. And I think that I should forget about him. Which is so so so so hard. I don’t want to.
I miss the fact of knowing that he is there. That he is there for me (not physically but by knowing, that he cares).
So, after creating these strong thoughts about how I have lost him and that eventually I will not ever be able to get him back, I was so lost that I turned to Bulimia again last week. I have been so conscious about all these ridiculous b/p sessions that it is scary. I was aware of why I do it, that it is bad but still I could not control myself. That’s where the addiction of this disease sets in. Painful and destructive.
Then I actually started to push him aside ad to block out the feelings I have for him. I wished I could start crying right now, but I can’t. I am scared I could never stop and break down again.
So once I pushed him aside I would work more, and would be more affective for stress. So from there it went its way and that one night, I just could not handle my emotions. I did not want to think about how and why I lost him and Bulimia seemed so unreasonably reasonable for me in that moment. So i was back to it for a few days. And I regret. I regret being alive at times, for I am causing myself so much misery.
So, but after a down there is always an up, correct?
I guess. And I tried to distract myself from my very own world. I stopped purging now for 3 days. I feel good, although I feel like I am gaining lots of weight because of the structured eating.
But I don’t care as much at the moment.
I have something else to hold on to now and that is external.

Forgetting about Daniel.

But how? How do you do something painful like that without being torn into the cycle again? Exactly for now I guess finding another external factor to hold on to.
So I met with this guy, a friend’s friend I just recently got introduced to. A really nice and fun guy, but yesterday during the “date” (he insisted on paying for everything, and brought flowers (beautiful sunflowers), when he picked me up so I guess it was a date, although I just thought he wanted to hang out and show me that Honky Tonk Bar in town, I guess I am very naive, but anyway…)… well, I have been thinking about Daniel. I have been comparing them to one another (I know, something you don’t do because it leads to nothing but reminding you on who you lost…). I did enjoy the evening big time. We went to this Bar, lots of Cowboys, lots of country music, lots of beer and I learned how to dance. Well, a little. This big old cowboy (seriously, probably 6’3” tall, big, cowboy hat, mustach, plaid shirt, tight jeans, boots!! A real Texan I would say) came up to me and pretty much showed me I can dance. It was great and even my date tried to teach me some steps and we slow-danced, fast-danced, laughed and had a good time.
So, this thought pops up in my head… I was thinking, well, I am enjoying myself around him, I did not really care much about my appearance, and I guess my attempts on acting somewhat self-confident worked ok. It worked that evening.
We later went to his friend’s bday party. Even though I did not care much about the people there, who smoked weed and seemed a little off in their worlds, I did enjoy that as well – of course not smoking that joint, and I was glad my date passed, too. Although, when I asked him if he usually does he said “Yes, every now and then” (a big big minus point, but it’s his life, just like I decide to b/p every now and then, but maybe that is exactly why I disliked that fact about him. Maybe because it shows weakness? Maybe it shows, that he also needs to work on himself? So, is that bad? No. But he may not be aware of that…. oh wow, here I go again, expecting too much at a time, analyzing and interpreting situations and human beings… I should stop that. It gets me nowhere right now). Ok, anyways, he played the guitar and sang along. I enjoyed that. I really really did. I had a great time. So back to my thought, which is (now I try to put it into words): why not date this guy, to get some distraction, to have some fun, to learn how it is like to enjoy myself and go from there?
Maybe I can forget Daniel this way?
Maybe if I just tell myself.
Maybe if I just try hard enough.
Maybe. Maybe not.

Confidence and Beauty

I found this video and because I like Kelly Clarkson, I thought I post it.
She is awesome, I wished I had her confidence and beauty 🙂

KELLY CLARKSON

Oh, and here one with even more confidence AND beauty

SHERRI SHEPHERD

How I wished, I could love myself the way I am.

A Sunday of Recovery

I am at my work place because I have no stable internet connection at home right now.
I am scared this could trigger me to binge/purge tonight, because I cannot blog or exchange thoughts on the web. I can write in my journal but getting direct feedback and support has been really helpful lately and especially last night. I will just stay at my work place till midnight….
But since I haven’t had much food today and I know I should eat and I also do feel a little bit hungry (that is rare!!! Just like a healthy digestion, sorry to mention that, but it is true, I am finally digesting again…. haha) I will probably now work for an hour or two and then head home or to the gym for a little bit before I go back home.

I have been really busy today with running errands again. I realized though that I have been spending way too much money this week. I just bought whatever I liked or felt like I needed or really needed… but I think half if not 2/3 of my purchase was unnecessary… but I guess that is ok sometimes, as long as I am not slipping into debts and to be honest at least I am not spending it on food that I would purge anyway.

Speaking about purging… I don’t feel like I want to do that ever again, BUT the big problem for me right now are the following thoughts:

– I want to eat this burger
– I want to eat those cupcakes
– I want to binge just one more time
– I want to binge and indulge in food
– I want to be able of eating as much as I can
– I want to make pancakes and eat them with cinnamon sugar and cream

BUT

– I don’t want to purge
– I don’t want to feel guilty
– I don’t want to be a failure
– I don’t want to be fat and ugly
– I don’t want to ruin everything again
– I want to be perf…I want to be perfectly fine…

and here is what I should tell myself:

– I am beautiful from within

– I am not fat and if so who cares
– I am winning over Bulimia
– I am on a good path
– I am pretty awesome
– I am strong

– I can be happy
– I can be fine
– I can do it.

It is a little difficult today. I am looking forward to see my nutritionist tomorrow. I need advice. Good advice. And maybe just some supportive words or acknowledgment on my progress so far.

I am very happy I get to talk to Paula again on Tuesday because I need to be challenged on my thought processes and that is what she or any of the two therapist seem to have done. And it is good. Because sometimes you close your eyes and think you are protecting yourself while you are really not.

Teenagers and Eating Disorders

Ok… so now I watched this “documentary” I ordered on Netflix. It is not all so bad as the raitings were saying but only really appealing for teens. And I am 25 and new all that already so I can already say this: “GET HELP NOW” IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE EVER!!!!!

So, but what did this documentary tell me:

more and more young people have eating disorder….
We know that, right?? And I disagree it is not a a trend but more a finally revealed fact.

Those who have an ED are physically worn out.
Yes, they are.

And it is about an obsession with food… Well in the teenage years, maybe yes, but then?? No!! I mean, it starts with that but there is more to it and we will get there….
Also a lot of us struggling with an ED also exercise execessivley, right?! Right. But still it is not a factor that applies to all of us. We are all so different.

Anyway, there cannot be a “Change over night” they say.. Umm… well, I guess not, but we all wished and we also think we can help ourselves…. at least those of us who are into it for a long long time.

The big question for teens though seems to be: how to get help.

I can relate to that very well. I was NEVER skinny and always a little chubby and thus, thought I was not really sick or that no one would believe me anyway. This is very very dangerous and I wished now that I had reached out earlier. It would have saved me from losing so many years of my life…

So, it is all about identifying the problem????
That is part of it.
We all get impressions of how to look:
TV, magazines, society show us the standards to live up to (and NO, this does not only apply to girls). But in the end we cannot blame the media that we don’t have any self consciousness and that we are just because of that obsessed with weight, our look and the competiton with others. The obsession is not the cause and of course we ll know that the medai is big fake place with airbrush and photoshop… so there is no real reason to look like that….

But we all strive for perfection which we will never reach. This is the truth – sorry. Not only is it subjective but it is simply not a goal to strive for, because it would make life and the world so boring!!!!

But, I understand if you say that society makes you think that this or that is what everyone thinks.

So here is what I think is important:

Be comfortable with yourself (how and who you are!!!). If you are not yet, and if you are bulimic you are probably not, get help, because you need to find the DEEPER problems. We are all unhappy, imperfect, right?
We want to take control and try to find a way to do so…

“Be or not to be”

is for us:

“Eat or not eat”

anorexics: don’t
bulimics: throw up

However we forget about the side effects or push them aside, seriously believeing we are not sick just because we are not really losing weight or not skinny enough….

BUT THIS IS so hazardous for teens ut also for people like me who are already 25 or older and I threw away already half of my life…. I have been unable to conentrate, been tired and passed out more than once or twice…

We are mentally and physically sick.

We are hurt inside and it will start showing on the outside. Sooner or later.

Get help SOONER, please!!

For me one of the underlyin reasons was that I never received my dad’s love. So and here I agree in full ith the movie: I hurt myself to reinforce that I am not worthy.
I compared myself and I always wanted to be different… to fix pain. Such a weird and messed up life and mood and my behavior even got to be addictive.

I also never had any self esteem -as most of us….
All I felt was OUT OF CONTROL but the urge to be in control…
I thought I was very emotional, but I was only if it was concerning other people. I cared way too much about other than about myself, because I thought it was a perfect trait to be caring…. BUT: we have to think about oour own self first. If we are not anymore what help can we be??? NONE!!!!

I have to learn to accept my feelings. MINE.
and I need to learn to TALK!!!

I could never tell one of my old friends, but I opened up towards a person who I probably believed was able to take it ( wow, I realize this now, I think I am not telling certain people, because I believe, that they could not deal with it because they are not on my level of understanding…. ok, this probably only makes sense to me 😉 )

Any way, please, everyone GET HELP:

a friend
teacher
counselor
your parents

I know it is about trust and I myself had and have the biggest struggle with that…

but TALK TO SOMEONE!!!
Someone who will provide you with further help.
“You will see the world in a different persepctive and gain purpose back in life”

for me it has been a mind blowing experience so far and I am anxious and excited about what else I will learn.

I am finding myself and that it also what EDS are about.

It seriously may help you if you have someone else tell you that you are in danger. My ex “bf” did that. He is amazing.
I have a t
people just need to listen for hours to get weight off

PLUS therapist listening to me, but him listening means a lot to me. The world.

So, also keep in mind to learm about nutrition and other healthy life choices. so, no medications (it#s just addictive, exoensive and unhelpful! If there was medication that would work, there would be no me or you or at least the probelm and situation we are in would have already been solved and someone out there who would be a billionaire….
Learn how to diet correctly and drink enough water, get a balanced exercise to be happy with yourself and your appearance. Don’t rely on others or their approval.. I mean, why???

This was the equation he movie served me with:

H [health] + S [success] = [a&sY] accepting and supporting yourself!!!

BE YOURSELF!
Be happy with yourself

Start with getting help and try to figure out your vwry own personal problems.
It may take time but your attitude is all that matters

The body is THE part of us : physically, emotionally, intellectualy and all this works together to make us wonderful!!!

Good night everyone.

:)

No purging last night. I had a full blown dinner and enjoyed it.
I was even comfortable after eating it.
And today my daily run was great! I ran faster and it went easier than usually. I feel good.

I have been thinking about a couple of things though that Brian told me yesterday. I am wondering about how I got to the point of having no self-esteem. I think when I was younger around 18 or 19 I did have more self esteem than now. Sadly true. In any case, the fact that I was so insecure and just so not conscious and confident about myself puzzles me. But what I learned is that people who are like that, I mean insecure, rely more on external factors. I mean it makes perfect sense, how could someone rely on one’s self if there is no trust in one’s own abilities and one’s own life. So, and this is true, people like me tend to rely and tend to hold on to the fixation, for example of becoming perfect on the outside, in order to then being appreciated. But, then one is still not appreciated for one’s self, but more for superficial appearance or performance. This also makes perfect sense when I think back on the states of my bulimia… I was doing well in terms of not b/p when I was with my first and only boyfriend. I was fine because I had something else to hold on to and to rely on. But we need to first trust and rely on our own self. Because how sad as it may sound that is what in the end it will come down to. Of course sharing lives is wonderful, but you cannot do so if you don’t keep yourself at the same time.
This is a very interesting discovery for me. I always thought giving myself up completely for someone I love is the ideal. And it partially it may be so but only if it happens mutually. You let someone into your life and you are granted access to someone else’s life without forgetting about yourself and your needs. If I make sense here, but what it comes down to is, that I am really needing to find my true self in order to love myself and eventually be truely loved back for who I am.

I am thankful for this day and happy I am alive.