Lots to think about

I actually have to study… I have been procrastinating all weekend and now it’s time to go to bed, getting up at 5 to hopefully get a little bit done in the morning. In fact, I was planning on studying all day today, but I ended up drinking last night with that guy again, and I stayed at his place… lots happened between us, and it was good. It was fun, but I just have to think about D. all the fucking time. He just does not leave me alone. I tell myself how much I hate him, and what an egoistic idiot he is, but it does not help, because I believe so strongly that we are meant for each other, and I feel like I am turning into a crazy creep because I think that, and because I cannot tell anyone, because everyone would say I am crazy and yet i start believe that already without anyone having to tell me. I have never said that before, but I love him so much, it is unreal. I just need to think about him and I am happy. But then I turn it into hate to protect myself from the pain he is causing me, for simply stepping out of my life. He does not care at all. He is only concerned about himself. Which is fine, but I just think he is missing out. Ironic I would say that, but I think he is missing out on me. Me as a wonderful person, the right person for him. It’s so pathetic. I wished he could see that.
I’m still hopeful that if I am done with Bulimia and my depression that I will turn into this great person again, that sleeps inside of me. Maybe this sleeping beauty just needs the rest right now to be able to blossom even more colorful. Maybe I am curing from the inside this way. I will shine. But I fear that I only want to shine for him. It is such a cycle and I want to escape. Yes, I really want to let go, but I cannot.
Hopeless. Helpless.

And now I can also see how I am gaining weight each day… I am getting fatter and fatter, but this guy, let’s call him C., he makes me feel good a bit. He likes my body. I am appreciated for it, so if I get fatter again there is nothing left to be appreciated for.
Because I am such a failure throughout. I cannot even put my thoughts into words. My mind is so messed up. I feel like I know too much as if I was able to channel and filter my thoughts. It hurts not to be able to say what you want to say. It is not good at all. I cannot even summarize a movie, or the plot of something I just read. even if I just read it. It does not work and I try hard and I tried all my life to follow structuring models or whatever. It feels impossible. It always has. It’s bad. Just like all the clutter I cannot get under control.
Sometimes I just want to give up.
It feels unreal to be here. To still be here. I’m not moving. It’s weird, but I just don’t get anywhere. I can try as hard as I want. I try to believe in me. I fight. It’s exhausting.