Lots to think about

I actually have to study… I have been procrastinating all weekend and now it’s time to go to bed, getting up at 5 to hopefully get a little bit done in the morning. In fact, I was planning on studying all day today, but I ended up drinking last night with that guy again, and I stayed at his place… lots happened between us, and it was good. It was fun, but I just have to think about D. all the fucking time. He just does not leave me alone. I tell myself how much I hate him, and what an egoistic idiot he is, but it does not help, because I believe so strongly that we are meant for each other, and I feel like I am turning into a crazy creep because I think that, and because I cannot tell anyone, because everyone would say I am crazy and yet i start believe that already without anyone having to tell me. I have never said that before, but I love him so much, it is unreal. I just need to think about him and I am happy. But then I turn it into hate to protect myself from the pain he is causing me, for simply stepping out of my life. He does not care at all. He is only concerned about himself. Which is fine, but I just think he is missing out. Ironic I would say that, but I think he is missing out on me. Me as a wonderful person, the right person for him. It’s so pathetic. I wished he could see that.
I’m still hopeful that if I am done with Bulimia and my depression that I will turn into this great person again, that sleeps inside of me. Maybe this sleeping beauty just needs the rest right now to be able to blossom even more colorful. Maybe I am curing from the inside this way. I will shine. But I fear that I only want to shine for him. It is such a cycle and I want to escape. Yes, I really want to let go, but I cannot.
Hopeless. Helpless.

And now I can also see how I am gaining weight each day… I am getting fatter and fatter, but this guy, let’s call him C., he makes me feel good a bit. He likes my body. I am appreciated for it, so if I get fatter again there is nothing left to be appreciated for.
Because I am such a failure throughout. I cannot even put my thoughts into words. My mind is so messed up. I feel like I know too much as if I was able to channel and filter my thoughts. It hurts not to be able to say what you want to say. It is not good at all. I cannot even summarize a movie, or the plot of something I just read. even if I just read it. It does not work and I try hard and I tried all my life to follow structuring models or whatever. It feels impossible. It always has. It’s bad. Just like all the clutter I cannot get under control.
Sometimes I just want to give up.
It feels unreal to be here. To still be here. I’m not moving. It’s weird, but I just don’t get anywhere. I can try as hard as I want. I try to believe in me. I fight. It’s exhausting.

I told my friend

Wow… I needed 6 days to open up to her. But eventually I did. I just told her. Somehow. I waited for the right moment but of course there is no right moment and I just told her at dinner at the Hotel last night. It was good I told her and she just listened. She did not judge me. She did not try to get explanations, but she now “understands” some things. Things I do, or situations I am in or dealing with.
It felt relieving, but still now I am so scared about what happens next. I am scared about work to start, I am scared to finish up that course for which I got a few extra weeks to push my grade up (yes, it is generous of my professor, but still I wished I did not tell her because at the same time she did not communicate anything to me – regarding tasks or the course in general… anyway).
Ok, so here I am again.
The way back from Houston I have been thinking about … Daniel. I simply cannot make myself forget him like that. How can I have been so mistaken in all this? Why do feelings err??

Well, also my mind took off circling around the last few days: I had a great time, but I mean this was vacation. This was fun. This is not everyday life. Life is tough and life is unfair. How unfair I had to experience in our work meeting on Monday. And in an email I got on… Saturday I believe. RIDICULOUSLY unfair. It seriously feels like there was a conspiracy against me. I know sounds ridiculous and that is why I can’t even speak to the person(s) but I guess “Der Kluegere gibt nach” (the smarter one gives in… wow I can be smart once in my life… great)…
I ate so much food the last days, I am scared about that a lot-lot-lot, too… I wished it was already Thursday and I knew… There was a scale at the Hotel but believe it or not: it did not work… I tried and took the battery out and put it back in to make sure… it just would not work. Kind of funny. But I am sure, that will give me another bummer on Thursday… I am so scared about life at the moment.
Also the two friends I basically spend the most time with here will be gone for about 1-2 months in September… so I just don’t know who to turn to.
I just don’t know and I just don’t want to bother anyone. And Daniel I believe I should not bother at all. I have just ruined it all and I don’t want him to feel obligated to listen just because he broke my heart. I mean, I am sure, that if I would call or email him he would answer and I suppose he would even meet up if I feel bad, but I have the strange feeling that he only would because he feels like he had to and I don’t want pity.

It’s so messed up, I have even thought about leaving and go home, but I know that there I will not find peace with myself at all. I would probably end up purging 24/7 again and I have not been purging now for (believe it or not): 10 days (well, today is day 10!).. well, is it 10 ? Or has it been longer? Wow, I need to go back in my own blog to remember, is that good or bad? Probably good, because I am not consumed by my thoughts of bingeing and purging anymore… HOWEVER, to break that positive spirit: Yes, I have been thinking about purging what I had, but I could not, because of my friend. It would have been wrong.

I am not sure if I can be proud.
In fact I am not sure how I feel right now.
I am scared. I am lonely and I am overwhelmed.
I just wanna live.