Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

I fucking need to get on my feet and fight…

…and clear my head and start living.

Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.

But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.

1st: I will start saying no.

2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.

3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).

4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).

5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).

6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)

7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.

8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.

9th: I will go step by step.

10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.

I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.

Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:

There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.

I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.

Lots to think about

I actually have to study… I have been procrastinating all weekend and now it’s time to go to bed, getting up at 5 to hopefully get a little bit done in the morning. In fact, I was planning on studying all day today, but I ended up drinking last night with that guy again, and I stayed at his place… lots happened between us, and it was good. It was fun, but I just have to think about D. all the fucking time. He just does not leave me alone. I tell myself how much I hate him, and what an egoistic idiot he is, but it does not help, because I believe so strongly that we are meant for each other, and I feel like I am turning into a crazy creep because I think that, and because I cannot tell anyone, because everyone would say I am crazy and yet i start believe that already without anyone having to tell me. I have never said that before, but I love him so much, it is unreal. I just need to think about him and I am happy. But then I turn it into hate to protect myself from the pain he is causing me, for simply stepping out of my life. He does not care at all. He is only concerned about himself. Which is fine, but I just think he is missing out. Ironic I would say that, but I think he is missing out on me. Me as a wonderful person, the right person for him. It’s so pathetic. I wished he could see that.
I’m still hopeful that if I am done with Bulimia and my depression that I will turn into this great person again, that sleeps inside of me. Maybe this sleeping beauty just needs the rest right now to be able to blossom even more colorful. Maybe I am curing from the inside this way. I will shine. But I fear that I only want to shine for him. It is such a cycle and I want to escape. Yes, I really want to let go, but I cannot.
Hopeless. Helpless.

And now I can also see how I am gaining weight each day… I am getting fatter and fatter, but this guy, let’s call him C., he makes me feel good a bit. He likes my body. I am appreciated for it, so if I get fatter again there is nothing left to be appreciated for.
Because I am such a failure throughout. I cannot even put my thoughts into words. My mind is so messed up. I feel like I know too much as if I was able to channel and filter my thoughts. It hurts not to be able to say what you want to say. It is not good at all. I cannot even summarize a movie, or the plot of something I just read. even if I just read it. It does not work and I try hard and I tried all my life to follow structuring models or whatever. It feels impossible. It always has. It’s bad. Just like all the clutter I cannot get under control.
Sometimes I just want to give up.
It feels unreal to be here. To still be here. I’m not moving. It’s weird, but I just don’t get anywhere. I can try as hard as I want. I try to believe in me. I fight. It’s exhausting.

Another session

I was so anxious while waiting for my appointment. I could feel my heartbeat getting stronger and stronger and I heard this voice from inside of me getting louder and louder. I really wanted to tell her what I thought; that this was a waste in time and money, that I did not understand how it was supposed to work and that talking about how my life was going was just exhausting, not relieving or anything.
I did not really speak up though.
We started out with the usual “How has your last week been” question, while I tried to explain to her that I have difficulties expressing myself towards others. She did not understand. I mean, I am able to formulate it in my head, but I am too scared to speak my thoughts. I said that, but she did not understand. Because she asked me to say it as if I was saying to myself. How? The problem is that I can’t. She was there. It was not just me in the room. In fact my thoughts were about HER, well about the therapy and she is the one who would be called my therapist. Dah!
Thinking about it makes me angry. Is this not clear enough?
Why can’t people understand what I say?
Are my thoughts really that odd and dumb?
Anyway, I tried to explain to her in an example what I mean. There was this situation with one of my professors, whom I had written in my homework that I was confused and did not understand the exercise. I know I could have asked him during his office hours, but I did not, because of my anxiety, because I don’t like to bother people and I don’t want to appear stupid towards them. Especially him, whose humor is so off. He talks too fast and I never understand what he says. I know it is stupid, but that’s just how things are for me sometimes.
I later told her that I did not understand how this was supposed to help me and that everything just got worse, but she tried to interpret it in terms of my relationships. All she had to say is that I had problems with relationships. And now thinking about it, makes me angry. I don’t have a fucking problem with relationships. I have a problem with being or better said staying alive. It is all so difficult. Too difficult I am afraid. And yet I know that this is my depression speaking, or at least that’s what I should be acknowledging. But seriously? No.
I understand though why she thinks I could possibly have a problem with relationships. I mean every time I tell her about my week it is about problems in relationships. But why do I have a problem with it. I think most of the other people I deal with have fucking problems. And I don’t want them in my life because they cause me problems. Yeah, sounds like I was pushing all responsibilities on to others, and that may even be so, but why do I have to take on responsibilities all the fucking time? I think that sometimes, things that go wrong are not my fault. If they were I would chose differently. But I sometimes don’t have a choice.
And even if I had a problem with relationships. that problem must originate somewhere, and I am sure that this origin was not self-induced. I did not decide at some point in my life that I was going to make my life harder or horrible by malfunctioning in relationships. Or did I?
It’s frustrating me.
And the only one I should be able to trust – myself – I cannot trust because I disappoint myself the most. Just by getting up 5 minutes later then planned, by not following that meal plan Amanda gave me, by not being able to feel compassionate, by not being diligent or passionate at work, by falling over and over again.
I know I have to think in positive patterns, in ways I would eventually help myself to get out of this cycle, and by learning strength, but at some points it seems impossible.
But I guess I stick to the following quote and won’t give up.
Maybe that’s the only path to go along.
____________________________________

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking”
Friedrich Nietzsche

God, I miss him

I just miss him so much in my life.
It felt so good to see him at first.
I wondered though if he reads my blogs. I don’t think so, but sometimes he says things, that I have been thinking about in here and I wonder, does he say it because he read it on here or does he say it because he jsut thought the same.
However, I got really mad at him today, I told him I was lonely, and that I soimetimes need someone to talk to when I am really needy. And he tells me to call a support hotline. What the fuck. First, I don’t want to call a fucking support hotline. I don’t waste money on that. second, that is not what I need. I don’t just need to talk. I need to talk to someone who knows me and cares because of me. Some anonymous situation on the phone is ridiculous, I could get in touch with people on BulimihaHelp or whatever instead and it would be better. But a fucking hotline? It’s not helpful at all. my life is too complicated to tell someone on the phone. If I am needy, in times I am really down, I don’t need someone to tell everything, I just need someone who can hold me and reassure me that I belong on this planet, that not all is wasted. I am not asking for pity. I am just asking for direct and immediate support. And I don’t want to bother him, for he knows how much I miss him… It just is so hard to forget about him. And I really try. I even just try to find another guy to hang out with but it does not work… I trust him so much. It is ridiculous.
And all the things he says are the things I tell myself and yet I cannot incorporate it.

I want to be myself again….

I had to leave fast … I got so upset… I did not want to vent out on him, so I decided it would be better to leave soon. And as soon as I had turned the car around I started crying and I had really bad suicidal thoughts. I hit the road towards Mount Bonnell. I got there and sat on the cliffs. Crying. I sent him a message and we messaged a little back and forth. I cried and cried. and it was good I went there, also I was seriously thinking about jumping down. So scary to think about that now… I mean, I was so emotionally unstable in those moments. But I was stronger. I di not. I am home now typing this. And I feel so ripped up. I feel so split in a half. The one half wants the other half back and be one real perosn the other half is scared of the work and the pain.
And that side is stronger most times.
I am so scared.

Anxiety

I hate this class I am taking in the early afternoon. I hate it so much because it makes me feel so minor, so lost and so depressed. I had an anxiety”attack” today. I could not breathe and I felt like I should run out of the room and cry and scream. But I did what Paula told me to do: breathe, breathe, breathe… it helped a little but I was under constant tension in that class. I could not look anyone in the eye. I tried to focus on the readings and yes, I even did my homework and had answers to the questions, but I could not speak up and then when I eventually did I could not formulate my thoughts well enough. I felt like such a failure and I prove it to everyone in the room and I again just wished I could have run away. It is so weird. I remembered situations in High School in which I had those kind of feelings. I never identified them as anxiety. But I was already in the midst of Bulimia.

I can’t stand this class because there is this girl who I hate. Who I have been friends with but who has disappointed me so so so so much that I wished I could punch her in the face and tell her what a big idiot she is, that she should fucking stop turning the reality around. That she should fucking open her eyes and see what she is doing and that she should fucking not lie to me anymore.
I feel used by her and I hate her for that. She is so fake. And so many people are fake and it frustrates me because I want to live but I guess my idea of life in this world is simply idealistic. It is impossible to live the way I want because other people have just too much power and influence – in a bad way – and I just cannot deal with that.

Life scares me.