Lots to think about

I actually have to study… I have been procrastinating all weekend and now it’s time to go to bed, getting up at 5 to hopefully get a little bit done in the morning. In fact, I was planning on studying all day today, but I ended up drinking last night with that guy again, and I stayed at his place… lots happened between us, and it was good. It was fun, but I just have to think about D. all the fucking time. He just does not leave me alone. I tell myself how much I hate him, and what an egoistic idiot he is, but it does not help, because I believe so strongly that we are meant for each other, and I feel like I am turning into a crazy creep because I think that, and because I cannot tell anyone, because everyone would say I am crazy and yet i start believe that already without anyone having to tell me. I have never said that before, but I love him so much, it is unreal. I just need to think about him and I am happy. But then I turn it into hate to protect myself from the pain he is causing me, for simply stepping out of my life. He does not care at all. He is only concerned about himself. Which is fine, but I just think he is missing out. Ironic I would say that, but I think he is missing out on me. Me as a wonderful person, the right person for him. It’s so pathetic. I wished he could see that.
I’m still hopeful that if I am done with Bulimia and my depression that I will turn into this great person again, that sleeps inside of me. Maybe this sleeping beauty just needs the rest right now to be able to blossom even more colorful. Maybe I am curing from the inside this way. I will shine. But I fear that I only want to shine for him. It is such a cycle and I want to escape. Yes, I really want to let go, but I cannot.
Hopeless. Helpless.

And now I can also see how I am gaining weight each day… I am getting fatter and fatter, but this guy, let’s call him C., he makes me feel good a bit. He likes my body. I am appreciated for it, so if I get fatter again there is nothing left to be appreciated for.
Because I am such a failure throughout. I cannot even put my thoughts into words. My mind is so messed up. I feel like I know too much as if I was able to channel and filter my thoughts. It hurts not to be able to say what you want to say. It is not good at all. I cannot even summarize a movie, or the plot of something I just read. even if I just read it. It does not work and I try hard and I tried all my life to follow structuring models or whatever. It feels impossible. It always has. It’s bad. Just like all the clutter I cannot get under control.
Sometimes I just want to give up.
It feels unreal to be here. To still be here. I’m not moving. It’s weird, but I just don’t get anywhere. I can try as hard as I want. I try to believe in me. I fight. It’s exhausting.

Did I not purge enough…..?

I binged.
I can’t believe I did.
I have not eaten anything today and ruined it by a fucking binge….
I will purge. I can’t keep binges in, it makes me be more frustrated…. Oh, how I hate this… WHY??
It does not make sense. BUT I wanted to jot down my emotions before I purge so that I know why I actually should not…
So, I had too much beer. I think that triggered it big time…. Already at the class meeting…. And we had cheesy nachos, I did not have much, but enough to probably make me feel that bad about it to support my binge ideas. So, I cleaned up my fridge from bad foods…
The first bite I took I knew it will end badly and at the same time I tried to tell myself how stupid this was, because I barely had anything to eat today so I could have been proud of me…. Now I ruined it.
Oh it is such a downfall to have down this again…. I was just telling myself how good it was that I have not purged in over a week…
ok… I will be fine. I am a great person, unique and wonderful…. Yuck….. but it is supposed to help… So, I keep going…. What is special about me?
I am overly caring, I have ethical morals, yes, I am an ethical person. I am social. I have a big heart.
But I am being so under-evaluated. I am so in the wrong place. I want to be able to move things, situations, souls and hearts. I am sick of being me in this hopeless form, because I believe in me. I am here for more.
Have me do it.

Oh, I had group today….. it was ok, but I don’t like the other girls. They seem so shallow. That one skinny girl is friends with another girl in group, although we are not allowed to.
I so want to speak my mind in group but I don’t know in how far we are allowed to…. so I stay quite.
I went early though for the check in round. I pretty much learned by heart what to say though, so it went quickly. Although I desired to say more, I desired to use my time, but I said I didn’t need it, because I don’t want to bother people. I just don’t want to bore people with what I have to say.
And then that big girl spoke her mind…. I tried to give advice but by her eyes I could tell how she felt misunderstood…. but to be honest, I hit the point. Anyway the we checked back on a girl who used time last week and she talked again for 30 minutes. Which is fine, if we weren’t circling around a stupid question.
Seriously.
I guess I shall not talk about the contents, so I just keep articulating my mind and feelings on this as good as I possibly can. I was seriously annoyed by how superficial these talks seemed to me.
If I would use time, it woud be about such essential issues that I would feel stupid articulating my mind….

For me, myself and I

_______

“Your recovery relies on you taking action! It is up to you to learn and practice new techniques and normal eating skills. Without action it’s hard to expect to get very far with recovery.”
– BulimiaHelp Recovery Tip

_______

I decided the following: from now on, no matter if I have a good or a bad day I will find a quote to remind me, that I want to recover, that I need to recover for myself, that I will be fine.

I might just be having another good day today, but I may use it to enforce this rule – for myself.

So above you see today’s statement.
It reminds me on how difficult recovery is, but also that it’s only me who can eventually make it work. There is my dietitian, my psychiatrist, but they just play guestroles. Most importantly do I have to deal with my illness and only I can take action. I know it will be especially difficult on my bad days, when depression takes over but in those moments I have to really look inside myself, because it’s not me taking action. It’s Bulimia and her evil friends.

I found inspiration in Isha Judd and her idea of unconditional love (to be found and established in oneself!!)
and I will beat this bitch. Take this, Bulimia! You are done.

Everyone is beautiful

Yes, the heading is correct. It is me speaking! Me! Not Bulimia!
We shall use this day to show how beautiful we all are in our very own special ways. It is inside us all. Oppressed by false ideas around beauty as presented to us from our society, colored by the painters of fashion magazines and Hollywood, influenced by the people who raised us, who we met throughout life, who have hurt us, who have diasappointed us, from whom we have learned not to trust, not even our own self…

But we are our own artists, aren’t we?
And what would this world be like if we all would be and look the same? If we all experienced the same? If we all reacted the same?
We don’t want that, we want to express our own special, true selves.

So, this recovery again feels like this journey to my true self and I am so happy today is such a day. I may be anxious about tomorrow, but for today I will embrace everything, I will not judge, I will just receive.
It feels strange, but deep down inside me there is this powerful young lady ready to rock the world. Ready to untie the knots, throw away the bonds an be free. Independent. Me.

Keep it up everyone!
We can do it!
We just have to keep going. Step by step.

Inspiration to beat Bulimia

A BulimiaHelp friend posted the following statement on my wall today and it is really inspiring me to continue in recovery.

“That sounds like a good treatment plan. I saw a therapist once a week for about 6 months during my recovery, and then once a month after that for a while. I didn’t see a nutritionist but my therapist helped a lot with a meal plan so I was lucky there. Relapses are really tough to deal with, and it’s hard to take it out on yourself, but one thing I learned is that every relapse is an opportunity to learn and grow..and although I didn’t feel it at the time, in hindsight I’m incredibly grateful for the countless times I relapsed during recovery as the ensuing growth really layed the foundations for full recovery. It took me about 6 months before my behaviours improved to the point of little to no relapses, and about a year before I considered myself fully recovered. I’ve been recovered nearly 3 years and I now have a really healthy relationship with food (probably more than most people/girls who have niggling issues with dieting and weight) and also with my body. So it’s absolutely possible and so worth it! It’s weird to say it but I’m actually really grateful for all of the struggles I experienced with the eating disorder x”

My response:
“Thank you. These were some comforting words. I think I can beat this, it is just very difficult. But you are right, this struggle may lead to something positive in the end. I think there has happened so much in my life and I always repressed it… Just today I blogged on how I cannot really feel my emotions. I don’t let myself. This recovery is turning me around, opening my eyes and if I can be happy with myself in the end I think Bulimia can’t be blamed for anything anymore. Maybe this is the way – my way – to go to find myself.
Have you experienced that, too??”

I’ll be fine. Someday.

… and so she purged…

Again. Last night. I know exactly why.
I felt uncomfortable, although I shouldn’t have.
My thoughts were circling around food last night at the BBQ…
Food. Eating. More. No more. Starve. What are you doing? One more bite. No. Yes. Who cares? I don’t wanna be fat. I want to be skinny. Pretty. Light. Disappear. I hate myself. I have no self-control. I suck. Eat. Stuff your emotional cries. Stuff that hole in your heart. Forget. Repress. Food.
Just so crazy.
I even set up my camera and took shots of it to show myself how ridiculous I am. Who the fuck does that? Throwing up is disgusting. Eating too much food is disgusting. I am disgusting.
Holy cow, I am serious, I made these guidelines, but they are worthless – at least for me. I did not even think about following them, though. That’s where I failed in first place. It ended ridiculously painful. I purged for like an hour. Exhausted and tired and full of guilt at the end. Finally falling asleep.
When I woke up this morning I told myself again that this is not going to happen again. No. Can I tell myself again that I needed this purge to realize that again?
I talk so much about realizing, but I am not changing. I am lost. And I feel like Bulimia is reaching her peak for me. Will I fall or will she?
I know I have to fight.
I will, but I cannot promise anyone, not even myself that I will succeed.
I am hopeful at least (a little bit) but at the same time desperate.
But I am striving for

Dining out

… probably even with family members or friends is one of the most difficult things to do when you are a Bulimic. While everyone seems to enjoy their dish all you are concerned about is either calories, weight gain, not to get caught, not to overeat, not to be socially awkward or you are simply trapped in your own thoughts – your mind – of how not to turn this into a binge or in this “will I/should I just purge” self-questioning scenario…
This creates a lot of stress around the situation, the food, yourself. No wonder, we usually end up in the bathroom.

While I know that this will always be very difficult, I thought about some guidelines to help overcome a possible b/p. This may also help in your learning or recovery process.

1. Don’t worry about what your friends think about your choices. If you want a salad, have a salad, if you want a burger you may even have that one. (You know how forbidden food leads to binges)

2. Eat slowly and chew well. It will not only help you to digest better, but also to get full (that healthy full we usually don’t realize anymore) faster.

3. If you are done, you are done. It does not matter if you ate 1/2 or the entire menue. Who cares? It’s your body.

4. If you have reached the point at which you think, you have overeaten already, stop. I mean STOP. Don’t think “Oh, well, now it is too late anyway…now I need to purge anyway so I can have some more” You don’t have to purge just because you ate too much ONCE. Probably you haven’t even eaten too much, but you simply feel full.

5. Talk. If you talk a lot you slow down on the eating.

6. Always drink water in between bites. It helps digestion big time.

7. Enjoy the food. (I know this is a tough one)

8. Enjoy the company. You decided to go with them, so here you are.

9. Don’t take left-overs home. Unless you are 100% sure you won’t binge on them (for me 90% of the times in the past I did).

10. Remind yourself of how beautiful, unique and confident you are. You can make miracles happen.

Hope this helps.
Fight Bulimia.
Stay strong!

A day of a Bulimic

I am working actually but this stupid file transfer shows me it will take 38 minutes and since the program cannot be used while transferring files, I will simply write another blog entry.
I realized that my latest posts were sort of lacking the right depth as well as the right focus. Lately, I found it very difficult to concentrate and to even put my thoughts together in an effective way, maybe that is also why I cannot really concentrate.

Ok, now I would like to present you with what my days actually look like. I mean, I am living in a western society, namely the USA. People may think, heck it is just like everyone else’s day and that may be so, if there was not Bulimia my invisible and invincible half-of-my-lifetime partner.

A day with Bulimia. And it’s raining down on me from the moment I get up…

Kata Kabanova - Eduard Tomek

4:30am : my cat jumps up and down the bed, you can hear him hanging in the blinds, throwing down a glass that is still half full. I’m waking up, feeling horrible, remembering that just 5 hours before I was leaning head over in the toilet. My neck is stiff, my muscles in my arms and shoulder sore, especially my left arm. I feed the cat getting back to bed already thinking about everything that is ahead of me this very day. My thoughts are circling and again the question “Will I finally be able to end a day like everyone else? Not binging and purging?” I feel like I need at least an hour more rest but will not fall asleep before 5.30 if at all.

6:00 am: my alarm clock is singing “Guten Morgen, guten Morgen, guten Morgen Sonnenschein…” I turn it off. My body is weak from last night’s session. I feel horrible. But I know I have to get up. I need to get a lot of things done today to fit in this society. So I do. My cat is licking my hand, eventually starting to bite it, all happy that he can finally hunt my ankles and bite my legs.

6:20 am: I am off for my daily run. I pick up a friend on the way, listen to what she has to say, being annoyed by some of the superfluous content, while my mind remembers the way I looked in the mirror this morning. All fat and ugly. Exhausted. I keep running, it makes me feel alive. My heart rate is low, I am used to running to much, I need to run more in order to challenge myself and also to loose these extra 10 Ibs.

7:30 am: I am back at my Apartment. Feeling a little energized to star the day and to eat right and healthy. I feel confident that I can do it and that I will recover.

8:20 am: I am at the bus stop waiting for my bus to school. I am wearing a new T Shirt… in the bus someone tells me that I still had the tag on my shirt. I feel so embarrassed while I try to tell myself that this is nothing. It is ok. It can happen to everyone. But it is putting me down. I already feel ashamed about myself, about what I did again last night. I feel like if I look at someone that person can tell. But how would they know? It is a well-kept secret.

9:00 am: I am at Starbucks getting my morning Soy Chai. It is too sweet and I already feel bad about it. I am counting calories. I get lost in thoughts about my weight. I feel my fat wobbling when I walk. I wished I were somewhere or someone else.

Then I usually manage it to work a little bit, while I get distracted very easily.
I get hungry; eat grapes and a rice cake. Have a stomachache. Feel awful. Wished last night did not happen. Wished I were pretty. Wished I were successful. Wished I were not stupid. Wished I could keep my own personal promises and reach my own ideals. I am a failure.

I will eventually eat something like yoghurt and fruit or even a bagel for lunch and drink lots of tea, apple juice or coffee. Feeling awful about anything I consume.

3:00pm: I am getting tired and exhausted. I know I have to work more, so I do and I end till 4 or 5 pm. Time to go to the gym. 70 minutes running is not enough. I need to swim at least 30 minutes or longer or go to exercise after the swim. I need to. I want to be perfect. I need to fit in.

7:00pm : I am taking the bus home. I should have went back to the office working a little more to not be faced with being home alone. I cannot wind down. Not at home but not somewhere else. I have optimistic plans on my evening home alone. I want to cook a healthy and well- balanced meal, eat it while enjoying a good glass of wine or a beer. Watching a DVD or online TV. I would love to relax, but I am already stressed out about what all I have to accomplish the next day, in my life and in recovery. I am overwhelmed by the world I live in and I am overwhelmed with who I am. For all my thoughts circle around this very thought and I cannot figure it out.

If all goes well, I decide to go to bed early.
Sometimes I end up drinking.
If I end up drinking I am most likely to end up binging and purging, but even if I don’t drink I may end up in Bulimia’s arms, my last resort in moments of full self denial and rejection, lost hope and faith, being so lonely that the pain inside is screaming as loud as it can, not waking me up though, but making myself numb for the reality, so I am again torn into purging, trying to get rid of it that way. But I fail. And even though I know I will fail, I try again and again, harder and harder… It is a battle already lost, but I tell myself that lost battles can lead to new beginnings that can be even more powerful, substantial and puissant.

And so I fight the night. Again.

A new day – where is my chivalrous self?

I am chivalrous… that’s what my place mat said yesterday at the Chinese place… ummm.. but where exactly is this part of me?? I could sense it the other week for a few days but then it disappeared again. Where did it go? It would be so amazing to live in a different era. Like in the medieval times 🙂 I would probably be a witch living in the woods all free and happy. One positive point would be that they did not have toilets back then… and I guess I could be happy to have food in general. There would not be the slightest chance of becoming a bulimic. This disease is so evil. I wished I was strong enough to fight it, but it does not only seem so extremely difficult it is exhausting. Exhausting and scary.

Why are there no fairies? I just need one, because I only have one wish.

Why can’t my life be a fairytale?

I want to run away. From my life. From myself.

At the psychologist

I went to see Paula this morning and it was a good session… just extremely overwhelming.
And I took another step today: I talked to my “boss”. She was very understanding and I am glad she knows. She is great and I promised that my job will not suffer from this – in fact, work is the only thing I can still rely on and hold on to as well as pull myself out with from the real world around me.

At any rate. The session was basically about my family history or better my mom’s and grandparents family history.
Another issue we hit was me and my trust issues esp. with men which then connected to my past and my relation to my dad.
I guess my life has been stressful ever since I was born. Traumatic she called it. And I guess, I have just never talked to anyone about it really.

She talked to me about my self-confidence (which is at the moment not really existing) and we also leveled out, that I’m living in these two worlds.

There was so much, and I wished I could jsut write it all down, but I guess I need a while to let it sink in myself and maybe it organizes itself a bit and I will post on it later in more detail.
Gosh there is just so much.
I will need to reread my blog and make an analysis of the patterns I can find….

Also, I will go and weigh myself today. I’m very very scared, but I need to, because yesterday the not-knowing was one of the factors to push me to the b/p.

I wanna get better soon!

Maybe I need more than one session with Paula each week to speed it up. I will ask her about it.
Also, Amanda was saying something like she will not be able to see me any longer and I should find a nutritionist in the community. But I am just not sure…
I know when it’s about my health money should not matter, but if you don’t have that money it does matter and seeing Paula is not cheap already.

I need to find myself though.
I am so lost.