… and so she purged…

Again. Last night. I know exactly why.
I felt uncomfortable, although I shouldn’t have.
My thoughts were circling around food last night at the BBQ…
Food. Eating. More. No more. Starve. What are you doing? One more bite. No. Yes. Who cares? I don’t wanna be fat. I want to be skinny. Pretty. Light. Disappear. I hate myself. I have no self-control. I suck. Eat. Stuff your emotional cries. Stuff that hole in your heart. Forget. Repress. Food.
Just so crazy.
I even set up my camera and took shots of it to show myself how ridiculous I am. Who the fuck does that? Throwing up is disgusting. Eating too much food is disgusting. I am disgusting.
Holy cow, I am serious, I made these guidelines, but they are worthless – at least for me. I did not even think about following them, though. That’s where I failed in first place. It ended ridiculously painful. I purged for like an hour. Exhausted and tired and full of guilt at the end. Finally falling asleep.
When I woke up this morning I told myself again that this is not going to happen again. No. Can I tell myself again that I needed this purge to realize that again?
I talk so much about realizing, but I am not changing. I am lost. And I feel like Bulimia is reaching her peak for me. Will I fall or will she?
I know I have to fight.
I will, but I cannot promise anyone, not even myself that I will succeed.
I am hopeful at least (a little bit) but at the same time desperate.
But I am striving for

BULIMIA AWARENESS / HELP

My attention got drawn to this article:

BATTLE WITH BULIMIA

I don’t know this magazine, but it is popular press as I believe and I hate these kind of magazines.
These stories always show one side and of course the celeb in its midth is the one getting the attention. Which is fine, BUT if it is about something so serious like Bulimia it just makes me sad.

Bulimia is not a choice.
Of course the media and those stupid ideals in our societies preach us that we have to be perfect and thin and all that, BUT (again) Bulimia is a mental illness and the Body image part is just one facette of it. It is so sad to read this, because there is this young, pretty girl who suffers from Bulimia, but there is no sentence about what Bulimia is REALLY about.
I wished the media and those sources in specific would raise more awareness on this matter just so that people around us start understanding and can eventually be of help.

I am angry.