God, I miss him

I just miss him so much in my life.
It felt so good to see him at first.
I wondered though if he reads my blogs. I don’t think so, but sometimes he says things, that I have been thinking about in here and I wonder, does he say it because he read it on here or does he say it because he jsut thought the same.
However, I got really mad at him today, I told him I was lonely, and that I soimetimes need someone to talk to when I am really needy. And he tells me to call a support hotline. What the fuck. First, I don’t want to call a fucking support hotline. I don’t waste money on that. second, that is not what I need. I don’t just need to talk. I need to talk to someone who knows me and cares because of me. Some anonymous situation on the phone is ridiculous, I could get in touch with people on BulimihaHelp or whatever instead and it would be better. But a fucking hotline? It’s not helpful at all. my life is too complicated to tell someone on the phone. If I am needy, in times I am really down, I don’t need someone to tell everything, I just need someone who can hold me and reassure me that I belong on this planet, that not all is wasted. I am not asking for pity. I am just asking for direct and immediate support. And I don’t want to bother him, for he knows how much I miss him… It just is so hard to forget about him. And I really try. I even just try to find another guy to hang out with but it does not work… I trust him so much. It is ridiculous.
And all the things he says are the things I tell myself and yet I cannot incorporate it.

I want to be myself again….

I had to leave fast … I got so upset… I did not want to vent out on him, so I decided it would be better to leave soon. And as soon as I had turned the car around I started crying and I had really bad suicidal thoughts. I hit the road towards Mount Bonnell. I got there and sat on the cliffs. Crying. I sent him a message and we messaged a little back and forth. I cried and cried. and it was good I went there, also I was seriously thinking about jumping down. So scary to think about that now… I mean, I was so emotionally unstable in those moments. But I was stronger. I di not. I am home now typing this. And I feel so ripped up. I feel so split in a half. The one half wants the other half back and be one real perosn the other half is scared of the work and the pain.
And that side is stronger most times.
I am so scared.

I won tonight!

Ok, I am tired and I will go to bed now.
I did NOT purge and I am partly proud.
I am not proud of myself for eating those crackers even though I wasn’t hungry, but at least I controlled myself and did not start a binging session or purge

🙂

This day was not too good, but I stayed strong.
And I think everyone on Bulimia Help deserves some respect because we ALL are supportive and understanding what a great virtual community!!

Good night!!

BULIMIA AWARENESS / HELP

My attention got drawn to this article:

BATTLE WITH BULIMIA

I don’t know this magazine, but it is popular press as I believe and I hate these kind of magazines.
These stories always show one side and of course the celeb in its midth is the one getting the attention. Which is fine, BUT if it is about something so serious like Bulimia it just makes me sad.

Bulimia is not a choice.
Of course the media and those stupid ideals in our societies preach us that we have to be perfect and thin and all that, BUT (again) Bulimia is a mental illness and the Body image part is just one facette of it. It is so sad to read this, because there is this young, pretty girl who suffers from Bulimia, but there is no sentence about what Bulimia is REALLY about.
I wished the media and those sources in specific would raise more awareness on this matter just so that people around us start understanding and can eventually be of help.

I am angry.