mia’s back

Did it again. Last night. Beginning of a new end?

live life with self-compassion

Another month has passed and I have made great progress. Strange. But I feel good. I feel calm, more at ease. I can’t deny that I have bad days still, or sometimes feel like I just want to hide or disappear, but I have developed a kind of strength that helps me fight. It’s a good feeling to know that I can actually be in control. Not over my actions, but over my thoughts and feelings in and about life. Bulimia and Anorexia were not really giving me strength. I controlled my food intake with Ana, and with Mia I was able to escape feelings. Back and forth… But at what cost? I lost sense of self. I got lost in a world concerned with calories, exercise,fear of food, comparison, negativity and self-destructive perfectionism and behaviors. Risking my life actually. Suicidal thoughts, blackouts, fatigue, depression, irritability… Did I really want that? I was just mislead. I thought that in the end all would be perfect. I would be perfect. Such a lie. Such wrong thinking. Lost living.
I would have never been perfect enough, but most likely would I have lost everything, including my life. I have risked a lot and I have lost a lot, but today I am able to take a step back. I am so thankful for recovery and everyone who had contributed to it. My nutritionist, who helped me back up, who basically has saved my life. My therapist who I have resisted a lot but who lead me on the right way. Cedar Springs and all the wonderful people I met there. Without this path of recovery I would not be where I am right now. And I should give credit to my own self: without my will to fight I wouldn’t be either. Even though it still feels strange, in a way even a little bit pretentious, to talk kindly to myself, to accept imperfection and to just be me, I can say already that I am about to embrace life. I’m on a new path, using healthier tolls, relying on my true self. Yet I don’t know my true self, but that’s life’s challenge, and isn’t it exciting to be the witness of your own evolving self? Every day provides the opportunity to reveal another part of yourself, to reflect, to love and to live. I am in a place now where I can allow all these negative feelings, because I am learning to accept them as an essential part of life. Without pain we would not even know what happiness feels like. Can’t pain be positive? Sounds like an oxymoron, but it’s all in my hand. Self-compassion towards myself is the key to well-being. After a long and dangerous journey I have finally found the key, now I have to travel back to unlock my potentials. But on the way back, I am looking ahead, I keep my head up high and my eyes open. I may stumble, I may fall, but I will not lose faith.

May I be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be healthy.
May I live at ease.

I have to add what I just read in my horoscope (I am not superstitious but this one gives me daily messages that are actually very empowering, kind of like positive affirmations) it fits well to what I just said earlier:
Add a little spice to your life, Capricorn. If your experiences have all seemed a bit bland lately, it may be time to step out of your comfort zone and invigorate your sense of self. You do tend to get yourself in a rut every now and then, and then you stay trapped there until someone or something comes along to shake things up. But this time you need to be the mover and the shaker, and to set a new and more positive pattern for adapting and evolving. If you’re stuck in a groove, it’s up to you to change things.

My friends Mia and Ana

So, I made a new friend, but Mia and Ana are very jealous. In fact not only them. Also other “real life” friends dislike my new friend. And it is not fair, it made me lie and it made me feel bad about myself so that Ana and Mia tried to take care of me. Mia especially on Friday and Saturday and then Ana took over. I have fought them though tonight. I had dinner. A good, healthy dinner.
Anyway, so I am glad I made this new friend. She is great. We have a lot in common and we don’t judge each other. I even asked her if she is anorexic and that I was worried about her, because she is really skinny, but she reassured that she is fine. That she actually tries to gain weight, but that her mother is also really tiny… so I believe her, although it is hard to believe. she is a pretty, but dangerously skinny girl. And also my other friends commented on that and said pejoratively that she was sick and anorexic. And they just looked at me like I was stupid when I said, that’s he may be, but that this was nothing to judge someone by and that she may have some problems because of that and that Anorexia and eating disorders in general are mental illnesses. They really looked as me as if I was talking crap. They don’t understand. And because of that it is making me angry that they judge her. They don’t know her. They talked to her a couple of hours-that’s it. Frustrating. So now I realized I would feel bad if i would tell them I was going to hang out with her. And since I do they kind of distanced themselves from me. I hate that. Talk to me but don’t treat me like that.

Anyway, I also saw this guy again this weekend. He was in town for a night and he came with his cousin to meet me at a bar where me and my new friend hang out. I went home with him and we got home at like 3am, staying at a Hard Rock Bar or something that late. It was good, fun and interesting people. And M. and I talked a lot, too, I did not tell him everything I talked about with my therapist but mentioned a couple of things, especially my problem with men and the way my brother treated me when I was younger. I also said that I had bad experience with men sexually but I did not say what happened. He asked me if I ever mentioned it to my therapist… and that I should. It’s difficult though and again, I have said that before – ye more I think about my past ye weirder it feels. There is so much I don’t even remember. I always thought I will never forget my life, but I have. I wonder what my life was like when I was little? It must not have been as great as I have always wanted it to be. I wasted my youth and there must be a reason why I did that.
It’s painful to think about it because I do not have an answer at this very moment, but I can sense the evil as strange as it may sound.

I want to start living again. I want to be whole with my soul and body.
I am working hard to get there but I am stumbling, there are too many rocks on the path and it’s sometimes too dark to see them before it’s too late.

Sabotage

I sabotage myself. This is pretty much the quintessence I can draw out of this morning’s therapy session. Emailing D. is sabotage, because I feel ashamed and guilty about it afterward, binging and purging goes the same way. So does my excessive spending and or my alcohol consumption. I cannot discipline myself and feel trapped.
Ah, but I was asked to journal in my native tongue for a week… So I will do and although I already journal in German in my moleskins I feel like I need to do it on here, since I spend so much time on here as well and my moleskins are being rather neglected lately due to a lack in time…

So, sorry for those following my blog – it will only be a change for a week 🙂 Maybe this will make you study some German?! Who knows 🙂

Ode an die Selbst-Sabotage.

Und genau das tue ich gerade auch. Ich sabotiere mich. Warum sonst arbeite ich nicht an meinem Referat? Das sollte ich doch eigentlich jetzt tun. Ich habe noch einmal an D. geschrieben. Das brauchte ich irgendwie. Ich weiss ja schon, dass ich mit ihm abschliessen muss. Will ich nur nicht. Er bedeutet mir so viel und es tut einfach nur weh ihn nicht in meinem Leben haben zu koennen. Bisher bin ich ja immer ueber diese “Verluste” hinweggekommen, doch mittlerweile scheint es mir einfach zu anstrengend.
Ok, liebes “Sabotage-Ich”, ab heute heisst du “Sia” und deine Hymne kennen wir alle: Breathe Me. Das A. steht uebrigens fuer die erste Initiale meines deutschen Vornamens. Verrueckt. 🙂 Passt.

So, aber nun will ich mich nicht verlieren und auch nicht unsicher sein. Ich will mein Referat fuer morgen perfektionieren und dann zu Starbucks, ein Stueck Kuchen essen, Soy Chai trinken und mit Chris ein bisschen was fuer Freitag (TEST!) ueben.
Dann noch zur Uni-Psychologin und vielleicht beginnen ein SSRI also Serotonin-basierendes Antidepressivum zu nehmen. Ich habe eigentlich kein Geld, aber es scheint mir durchaus fuer angebracht. es wird mir vielleicht auch helfen meinen Alkoholkonsum einzuschraenken, denn Med + Alk = suboptimal.

Sia, du musst sterben, weil ich leben will. Und vergiss nicht Ana und Mia mitzunehmen. Danke.

Feeling strangely good and powerful!

… at this moment, I can say that.
Mood swings perhaps.
Sometimes I really don’t know who is talking out of me.
Bulimia’s voice is usually very loud, demanding and strong.
When I read through my earlier post of today I can feel the pain. I start to get used to it. I am not bingeing, I am not purging. I am just sitting here, being sad about it. Sitting here, thinking about how to overcome this. I cannot find a plausible way to do so, because deep inside me there is this spark of hope and I fear that this spark is what is making me feel good.
Life is tough.
But all I want is to be happy.
And tonight I will not let Bulimia put me down. I have been sad enough today, I will go to bed now, fighting the uprising urge to purge and sleep instead. Get some rest and start a new day. 4th day in a row of no b/p and in fact of structured eating, one of the well-known enemies I have to make friends with on my journey.
I need to get my fighting spirit back.
I will cut out Bulimia – out of my body, out of my mind, out of everything. She will always be a part of my life but not a part of me anymore.

Everyone who is struggling, keep the faith in your chivalrous self!!! We are secret knights fighting the beast that’s controlling us. We will win and take over control.
We are stronger. Even stronger than we would have ever thought!

… and so she purged…

Again. Last night. I know exactly why.
I felt uncomfortable, although I shouldn’t have.
My thoughts were circling around food last night at the BBQ…
Food. Eating. More. No more. Starve. What are you doing? One more bite. No. Yes. Who cares? I don’t wanna be fat. I want to be skinny. Pretty. Light. Disappear. I hate myself. I have no self-control. I suck. Eat. Stuff your emotional cries. Stuff that hole in your heart. Forget. Repress. Food.
Just so crazy.
I even set up my camera and took shots of it to show myself how ridiculous I am. Who the fuck does that? Throwing up is disgusting. Eating too much food is disgusting. I am disgusting.
Holy cow, I am serious, I made these guidelines, but they are worthless – at least for me. I did not even think about following them, though. That’s where I failed in first place. It ended ridiculously painful. I purged for like an hour. Exhausted and tired and full of guilt at the end. Finally falling asleep.
When I woke up this morning I told myself again that this is not going to happen again. No. Can I tell myself again that I needed this purge to realize that again?
I talk so much about realizing, but I am not changing. I am lost. And I feel like Bulimia is reaching her peak for me. Will I fall or will she?
I know I have to fight.
I will, but I cannot promise anyone, not even myself that I will succeed.
I am hopeful at least (a little bit) but at the same time desperate.
But I am striving for