I am at my work place because I have no stable internet connection at home right now.
I am scared this could trigger me to binge/purge tonight, because I cannot blog or exchange thoughts on the web. I can write in my journal but getting direct feedback and support has been really helpful lately and especially last night. I will just stay at my work place till midnight….
But since I haven’t had much food today and I know I should eat and I also do feel a little bit hungry (that is rare!!! Just like a healthy digestion, sorry to mention that, but it is true, I am finally digesting again…. haha) I will probably now work for an hour or two and then head home or to the gym for a little bit before I go back home.
I have been really busy today with running errands again. I realized though that I have been spending way too much money this week. I just bought whatever I liked or felt like I needed or really needed… but I think half if not 2/3 of my purchase was unnecessary… but I guess that is ok sometimes, as long as I am not slipping into debts and to be honest at least I am not spending it on food that I would purge anyway.
Speaking about purging… I don’t feel like I want to do that ever again, BUT the big problem for me right now are the following thoughts:
– I want to eat this burger
– I want to eat those cupcakes
– I want to binge just one more time
– I want to binge and indulge in food
– I want to be able of eating as much as I can
– I want to make pancakes and eat them with cinnamon sugar and cream
BUT
– I don’t want to purge
– I don’t want to feel guilty
– I don’t want to be a failure
– I don’t want to be fat and ugly
– I don’t want to ruin everything again
– I want to be perf…I want to be perfectly fine…
and here is what I should tell myself:
– I am beautiful from within
– I am not fat and if so who cares
– I am winning over Bulimia
– I am on a good path
– I am pretty awesome
– I am strong
– I can be happy
– I can be fine
– I can do it.
It is a little difficult today. I am looking forward to see my nutritionist tomorrow. I need advice. Good advice. And maybe just some supportive words or acknowledgment on my progress so far.
I am very happy I get to talk to Paula again on Tuesday because I need to be challenged on my thought processes and that is what she or any of the two therapist seem to have done. And it is good. Because sometimes you close your eyes and think you are protecting yourself while you are really not.
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