I love Mr. A-Z

Jason Mraz is wonderful.
He is just so so great.
His music, his voice, his body language, his genuine words and this sense of humor. Just one amazing human being. He really helped me big time tonight.
I don’t know much about him, but his songs and the vibrations he is able to submit fascinated and inspired me. There was definitely a unique atmosphere, if not even a connection between him, his band and the entire audience tonight.
And his voice is just so outstanding. So clear. His lyrics so well-thought and put together so harmonically.
He gave me such a boost – he truly inspired me.

Just before the concert have I been reading Isha’s new blog post on Inspiration.
Here is the article.
Who inspires me? Who inspires you?

Think about it each day!

Jason asked in the beginning: what are you grateful of?

Ask yourself each day!

He said so many meaningful things, not only in hos songs but also when connecting to the audience.

“Don’t let your mind stop you from having fun!”

“Thank you for being here. Thank yourself. This way you are not sitting alone in a room. With too many thoughts.”

That is so Buddha!!

He is wonderful!

I am just so happy I went there tonight.

Life is wonderful. Here you go.

In the now

Why worry about the future? Why worry about something that does not exist? Why worry about something I cannot change? I live now. I chatted with this random Spanish guy last night and he gave me such great input, it is fascinating, what talking to a stranger can actually turn into. He reassured me, that just by knowing that I want to change things, that I am aware of the need of finding myself and the peace within myself was already the goal. That is, I don’t need to worry about not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am on my way already, and I can only grow from this. And yet I know that. I start forgetting about my doubts I have about being able to do, because I am able to. I think, I am a strong person, I think I am a good person, and everyone is. I am responsible for myself and my well-being and I need to focus on myself. In fact, all I need is myself.
However, my eating disorder is closely intertwined with my depression. They feed each other and maybe trying out medication is not that bad of an idea. It is nothing I need to do long-term, but it has shown to be helpful. Especially in the difficult and exhausting process of recovery. And I don’t want my depression which is probably caused by chemical imbalance, to interfere with my abilties to live and think positively and in harmony with myself.
That is what I am missing and what I need.
The source is certainly within me.

So, this guy also told me about Isha Judd. And having read Kristin Neff’s article about self-compassion it connects right to it.

This one is Isha on guilt. SO GOOD – such an inspiration.

There is more on youtube, but this should be enough for now.

I feel good today. I still have doubts, but I just acknowledge it and I live.

Let go of resentment and focus on love in order to be free by self-realization and conciousness. Breathe it in.

A Sunday of Recovery

I am at my work place because I have no stable internet connection at home right now.
I am scared this could trigger me to binge/purge tonight, because I cannot blog or exchange thoughts on the web. I can write in my journal but getting direct feedback and support has been really helpful lately and especially last night. I will just stay at my work place till midnight….
But since I haven’t had much food today and I know I should eat and I also do feel a little bit hungry (that is rare!!! Just like a healthy digestion, sorry to mention that, but it is true, I am finally digesting again…. haha) I will probably now work for an hour or two and then head home or to the gym for a little bit before I go back home.

I have been really busy today with running errands again. I realized though that I have been spending way too much money this week. I just bought whatever I liked or felt like I needed or really needed… but I think half if not 2/3 of my purchase was unnecessary… but I guess that is ok sometimes, as long as I am not slipping into debts and to be honest at least I am not spending it on food that I would purge anyway.

Speaking about purging… I don’t feel like I want to do that ever again, BUT the big problem for me right now are the following thoughts:

– I want to eat this burger
– I want to eat those cupcakes
– I want to binge just one more time
– I want to binge and indulge in food
– I want to be able of eating as much as I can
– I want to make pancakes and eat them with cinnamon sugar and cream

BUT

– I don’t want to purge
– I don’t want to feel guilty
– I don’t want to be a failure
– I don’t want to be fat and ugly
– I don’t want to ruin everything again
– I want to be perf…I want to be perfectly fine…

and here is what I should tell myself:

– I am beautiful from within

– I am not fat and if so who cares
– I am winning over Bulimia
– I am on a good path
– I am pretty awesome
– I am strong

– I can be happy
– I can be fine
– I can do it.

It is a little difficult today. I am looking forward to see my nutritionist tomorrow. I need advice. Good advice. And maybe just some supportive words or acknowledgment on my progress so far.

I am very happy I get to talk to Paula again on Tuesday because I need to be challenged on my thought processes and that is what she or any of the two therapist seem to have done. And it is good. Because sometimes you close your eyes and think you are protecting yourself while you are really not.

Bach

Bach – Arioso
Just saying thanks for reading. and listening to Bach… I used to play his pieces all the time.