Therapy

Where do I start?
Maybe I should sleep a night and write then, but I felt today’s session was just really really really good. This psychologist, let’s call him Brian, is excellent. I’m kind of sad that today was the last time meeting with him, because I feel like in those few sessions we have hit very important and valuable points.

I don’t know where to start?
There was so much that fit in that hour!!
My childhood was part of it, as well as the break-up with my “bf”, me being a failure, me being stupid, fat, ugly, imperfect and of course me starting to realize things, my values, my morality, my will to change me and my behavior. Yes, it is a mental and behavioral change that I need to face. I can’t explain though, why I feel so strong now!!!
It is a great feeling. When I came home I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty good-looking girl who is able to give and receive a lot of love and who maybe even is quite awesome… I have NEVER thought that of me. NEVER. I don’t want to sound like I was full of myself, because I am not, but I start realizing that everyone has that unique, special beauty inside. We just have to let it out. And I am not talking about this superficial beauty our society tries to preach us.

(INSERT: I feel like I could tell my mom about this…. just this very moment I feel that, but I will not, I will need to reflect and think over this…. but eventually I may will… and I feel great about even thinking this right now!!!!)

Ok, I guess I should start with the childhood part touched…
I told him about my parent’s divorce, of course he already kne from the eval in the beginning but you know and that’s what I liked about Brain, he simply asked “I see you thinking” and I would start talking… of course that is his job, but he is doing it well.
I started off by saying, I know my childhood might have something to do with it, but I mean, I know, so should that not mean I am aware, and not develop a “stupid” behavior like that? I thought I accepted it and yes, I may have, but still my childhood formed me. He asked if I knew in what age human beings are most influencial, and of course I know… I said: “I read Freud.” He told me that “smart people like you, and you are smart, think that they can help themselves on their very own” and he is right, noone can help him/herself… this is probably the key to understanding psychology.

Oh, I am so happy I finally am getting help. I never thought I was sick, but I am. And I need help and I am receiving it at whatever costs!!!

Ok, so my childhood is one of the key parts of why I am binging and purging. I always was trying to get my dad’s attention, but never got it, until actually recently… Once I told him I will go to Texas to get my PhD he would care more about me. But still, our relatuonship today is not really good. Anyway, I will need to talk about this more with my new psychologist, let’s just call her Paula.

But it gets me to the next point which was actually our first point to discuss:

Me and my problems with trust and relationships….
He agreed with me that I was having troubles with relationships and trust. We hit that issue at the last session already. In the meanwhile my “bf” broke up with me. He said he was sorry and to be honest him saying that made me feel worse about it. I am trying to think that the break-up was for a good reason, but I am still believing that we might have a chance when I am cured. But him saying he was sorry makes it sound so definite. So done. So like what I am trying to ignore. This guy is just amazing and I actually saw him again tonight when I went home. I just need to look into his eyes and I feel secure.
Anyway, I know I need to accept his decision and it hurts very much, that Bulimia has destroyed this. But that is how it is.
I told Brian that I don’t trust people, simply because I always got hurt and simply because I am losing my faith in love. He said he was said I did not belive in love anymore. But I told him again that my values and morality is very idealistic and I asked if I had to stop holding on to them…. I am a little puzzled about this in fact… hmmm… I ust seet that now. Well, I wondered if my thinking was immature, if I was way too idealistic, if I needed to change that, if at 25 I should already give up in some views… should I???
Life is difficult.

In any case, I told him how Bulimia always made me feel minor, unwanted and guilty. I told him, that in the past I have been disappointed a lot. Many many people lied to me. Many people would use me and many people would simply turn out to be different in what I was always thought they were. And yes, my experiences have caused my faith in love and the good in people to fade but Brian made me realize that if we give up the faith (in whatever way) we will give up faith in ourselves. And yes, I am the living proof.

So, he asked me what happened if I met someone (a guy for instance) and I told him that I don’t let people get close to me. He asked me why and I said because I was scared. He asked me about my (now) ex “bf” and I said that I believed he was perfect, that I thought I could trust him and that I even told him that I was bulimic and other things…. but I forced it to fail. I told him how I knew how to end relationships myself rather than having the guy hurt me. I told him about how I knew what to say to make him not want me anymore: that is, by saying things that person would not agree with, by acting a certain way that I knew the other person would not want and by being simply not myself. He said this was typical for people who had problems with relationships and he asked if I wanted to end up alone. I found that pretty harsh but now I think he is right in confronting me with that. No, I do not want to be alone (not only speaking in the sense of love-relationships). I play safe, but am not secure about myself at the same time.

Which in brevity brings us to the next point:
self-esteem, insecurity…. self-image
He pretty much told me in my face that I was very insecure. Well, he said it indirectly (as he did with most statements, but this was a great strategy). I caught exactly what he was saying and agreed. I know I have low self esteem which is why I feel so strange about feeling so good today, I guess. Inever found myself pretty nor successful or even perfect (While I know start realizing that perfection is nothing to really strive for, but even normality is sort of difficult).
Anyway, I lost my “bf” because of how I was used to be dealig with relationships and trust. I still wished I could turn back time, but I try to accept how it is. It is hard, and now I feel very sad. But even though there would be much more to write about but now I feel like I should let things settle a little.

I got a movie from netflix on eating disorders it recieved bad ratings but I felt like I should still watch it and see…. so I will do so now and am thankful for this day, it was exhausting, interesting, enlightening, good.

I keep fighting.