Bulimia, anorexia, exercise addiction and I don’t ever wanna go back there!

It’s been a little over a year that I have actively or better said openly started to look for help. I was burned out by my ed. I was desperate and all I wanted was to die or be happy. To be happy did not seem to work so I engaged in my ed more and more… having been overweight as a kid, I found Bulimia at age 11 or 12… I dieted periodically and then had a bulimia-cherishing episode… I could not find a way out – not on my own. I tried and tried and tired and failed and failed and failed and with life going on, with growing older and having to take on responsibilities I was not really so sure or even aware about, I began putting myself down every time I failed. Life was tough and life was no fun. I tried to escape my misery by turning towards food and away from food, towards exercise, towards sex, towards controlling my life on a level that was just easier to control than life itself, which just is: unpredictable. I am still having a hard time to accept that I simply cannot influence fate, and that I cannot influence others. However, I learned that I can influence myself, but I took it too far. I put myself down, and down I fell… I was almost unable to get back up. all I could dream of was escape, death, a new life.

But, now I know that while I cannot control what happens around me and what others are doing I can control my thoughts and they shall never ever be as negative and self-destructive as they used to be.
Yes, I have downs and yes, I am not always optimistic and have a positive outlook on life, but I know that that is part of life and I try to accept it. Life is wonderful even with all the kinks and bad that exists. If there was no bad there was no good. If there was no flaw there was no perfection.

I’m taking a class in ethics and values and even though it just started this week, I love it. I start thinking about myself – my views, my virtues and values – through different, conscious eyes connected to an open mind equipped with awareness and lots of acceptance.

I sometimes wonder when and if there will be a time at which I will stumble or fall again and I believe there will, but next time I will be prepared. I know what to tell myself to help me overcome without such harm again. I hurt myself so much in my life I really need to start living it “good”.
And only I can define what good means to me. No one else can and ever will take that control over me. No media, no friend or boyfriend just me.

This brings me to my homework. I have my 10 strongest virtues (picking them from a list of 100)… It’s a pretty difficult exercise. There are many virtues I consider “good” or “not good”.
Life is such a mystery to me but I am starting to love it instead of fearing it. My fear made me to a slave and tied me closer to my Ed. Only my strength can pull me away and help me fight my fears in a healthy way (as I believe that fear in moderation is “good”, helpful, necessary).

Life is good.
Be patient (something I never thought I really could be!) and soak it in.

Love,

Grace

Bulimia, love, hate, medication and happiness

I had a bunch of slip ups in the last 5 days. Friday and Saturday I had major binge and purge sessions… making me feel like crap and miserable and I do not for the sake of my body health and well being know why. Those were major ones, cooking lots of “FORBIDDEN” food and being miserable emotionally and all that… then again Tuesday night… another slip up. Again, I do not understand why, how or anything that could explain it really. I remember thinking about D. a lot. He is there 24/7. I again wished he would not exist. Not in my life at least. I love him so extremely much. And ye more I do not get to see or talk to him ye more I think about him. It is sad, and it is painful. I wished I knew how he was doing, what he was doing, or with him he was happy.
Also, my thoughts keep circling around his stupid anorexic friend… She told me that she and him were seeing each other. I cannot stand the thought, because she is so crazy, and unattractive and I just do not understand why he would rather have sex with her than with me and that is what it is all about. Sexual satisfaction. I do not want more from him than sex. I just want to enjoy myself and I want to please him. I can please M. which has not been a problem but D. has been the only one I could have sex with that I personally enjoyed. I wished I could have one more night with him. One more. No more than that. One more. I miss him so much.
And yes, I do not only miss the fulfilling sexual moments. I miss hiss eyes and his voice. How can I forget? How? I cannot. I tried drinking alcohol excessively…. but alcohol is just a friend for a second a minute or two or a night at the longest. I need permanent relief. I need hope that life without him can succeed… I need to be loved the way I love. But then again I feel like loving someone more than you could ever be loved is better than the opposite. I have no idea. I am stuck in an internal struggle to find myself and I wished I had, so that I could speak clearly to those who seem to not know a thing….

anyways….

Bulimia… sucks… still… and I wished she was finally gone, but she is hitting back harder than usually. After every slip up I am so exhausted that I feel like I fall asleep without the chance of ever waking up again. It is in fact extremely scary…. I see the lights in my life fading and I feel the motivation to basically slip away. Life is difficult and hard and unfair and yet I feel like I will make it but I need so much strength to do so that I wonder if it is really worth it. I could just get married, have kids and be happy, but I guess my inner voice tells me to go for more.
It’s not a problem at all to call C. and get married and live in Ohio and “just be”… but I want true love.
And yes, I know I alredy found my perfect match and yes, I know he is rejecting me, so.. of course, this does not help…

My conclusion is:

Bulimia and Love are evil partners, like sisters… bad, bad, bad.

Both of them believe in hate…

Bulimia hates me as a person…. physically. I am fat, ugly, I cannot discipline myslef, I am just wrong… I eat too much and throw it up while others starve or I decide not to eat while I have the choice between anything…

Love hates me as a lover, because I am passionate, I am submissive but assertive in my own special way, I am sexual and I love to open my heart to someone who seems to me like he deserves to know my soul…
but I am always wrong and punish myself with a lot of shameful pain…

Disaster… bulimia and love… and hate, too.. I hate people I love because they reject me, but at the same time I understand that they need to have their own opinion and life and ahhhhhhh…. why….

yup… why is why I got meds… to calm me down to tell me I am not crazy although I am. I am extremely tired of life and crazy and wished I could just write a book, kill myself and die slowly while seeing people around me just go theri way. No one would care, so why do I car?

Yes, I need a higher dose.
Good night, happiness is far…
ahead.

End fat talk

End fat takllk week was in October apparently, but I just came across this today.
I feel like sharing. It’s a good video and I think end fat talk week should be all year around.

Enjoy the video.

Oh, and to all of you struggling: I know how hard it is to even end this stupid fat talk towards our own. I do it each and every day and I try hard to get rid of this self-destruction. It is just not that easy, but we all need to remember that we are not alone.
This is why i also want to say thank you, to all who have shown support on here and I am positive, that we can all get through this and become healthy inside and out. we just need to find and learn to rely, accept and love ourselves. As hard as it sounds, I think that is the only thing that can heal us and it asks for a lot of work. We can win this.

Chins up, girls!

I fucking need to get on my feet and fight…

…and clear my head and start living.

Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.

But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.

1st: I will start saying no.

2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.

3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).

4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).

5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).

6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)

7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.

8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.

9th: I will go step by step.

10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.

I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.

Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:

There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.

I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.

Life is slowly returning…

…it feels like….

Busy Busy Busy!

Wow, I got SO much done today. I should be proud!! Instead I am thinking that I should have set my priorities differently. What? Stupid perfectionism. I got more done than anyone else today. I went for an 1-hour run in the morning, called my grandma, had two 1-hour Doctor appointments, graded 35 tests, graded 10 essays so far (25 more to go… yuck), proof-read a more than imperfect 10-page conference paper translation which took me more than 3 hours, had 3 balanced meals, got paperwork together for my dad, tidied up a little, chatted briefly with my mom (family day???), set up a date for tomorrow night and tutored for an hour. I wonder how that all fitted into one single day… ha, and I did not get any course work done for my own class as of tomorrow… great, I might skip two of my classes… would be a smart choice – perhaps?
We will see… haven’t missed any yet and we are half way through the semester, so why not? I will get up at 5.30 and go from there… let’s see how far.
The weekend ahead is already a bit scary… but if I keep my work-a-holic attitude I can rock it. At least I’ll try.

OH! and I overcame a binge tonight. Well I binged half way and then realized that this was just too stupid. So, I quit. I just quit eating. Although I feel full, I did not go further to then eventually lead to a purging session. Nope. I did not, do not and will not. I guess I can be proud of myself. All I’d need now is someone who’d reassure to me that I will be fine and that I am worth at least something, because that is what I lack. Acknowledgment. I feel so needless and stupid. And I try to repress these thoughts, but it is very difficult and my heart starts accelerating and my chest tightens… I feel alone, just now and I know just that there is no one there of whom I could expect any kind of help.

So, I keep relying on myself.

By the way, self-reliance is such an issue. I discovered that with my therapist today. I really don’t want to be needy, I hate being in need and would never ever on this planet ask for help. Every time I did in the past, I have been rejected. No wonder I am such a hopeless case. Oh, and she said it was normal for women with EDs to have a problem with spending. And actually I just read an article about that issue in connection with bipolar disorder. Geesh, I need to control myself. But not with (or without) eating. Still, my therapist could not really tell me how I can take better care of myself. On the other hand she did say that she was glad that even though I am going through a lot of stress, I have not really been using binging and purging as a measure to escape. Only those two Fridays… and that is less frequent as in June when I was at home, but as my nutritionist pointed out more frequent than in July or even August, when I went two weeks or so without purging (while I was restricting more at that point though and exercising excessively)… so, I am kind of lost.
I was thinking about writing a post in the form of a personal inventory in stages of age and time. I will do that, or I will work on it and once it is elaborated post it, I feel like that will be really difficult, exhausting, but helpful.
For now, I say good night, I need to grade another hour before getting hopefully a hand full hours of sleep…

Oh, and I guess I made my mind up in order to rather go into debt than out of therapy.
I scheduled an appointment for next week, but I think I will ask her for bi-weekly sessions. Might be a good preparation for the time after IOP? Who knows.

with all my heart

“… the shackled anger I am accustomed to… reflecting on myself… and with every tear there are a thousand more that need to follow so I may climb from the darkness… ” I found this on an ED website

So… I thought about quitting therapy for now with Paula. I cannot afford it. I will look into using at least my free sessions at the University. And then it’s December… and I will go to the intensive Outpatient thing.
I also reconsidered my decision on taking medication.
I will not, because I cannot afford it. So, I have to make it through the next couple of months and then I will be fine. I will have more time to focus on my work if I don’t spend so much time thinking about myself anyway, so that’s another good aspect about quitting. Sometimes I think, I should not even do treatment. Or not now. I could and probably should try to keep fighting on my own and put it off till the summer possibly?
I mean, now I have group and I see Amanda and I think I have the possibility to see a counselor on campus.
So, why should I waste hundreds and hundreds of dollars more on something that has not been helping me anyway. Things got worse and I think they cannot get better if I start worrying about money and time. So, I think there is a reasonable need to put this off. Yes. So I will. And I can do it alone. I am stronger than ever. Today for example I functioned perfectly well. I got up at 6.30, ran 45 minutes, had a good breakfast, worked, did some paperwork also, went to school, had meetings and worked more, had a good lunch, got stuff done, even initiated choir practice and although I did not feel 100percent good, I made it through. I acknowledged my sorrow and pain, but also took pride in my accomplishments.
It was a good and productive day and I want my whole life to be like that and only I can make it be that way and simply because I am strong, I will make it. On my own and with all my heart.

That Girl

So it’s Sunday and another week is ahead. Let me review the last week. Actually it’s been pretty good. With some slip-ups. But it is ok. It really is. I talked to a friend yesterday and one thing keeps soaring around in my head since: Passion does not necessarily have to be there first, sometimes or probably even most times, passion develops – it comes along while engaging yourself. And she is right. The problem is not really that I have lost my passion it is, that I have lost my motivation to start things. I can easily fascinate myself for things. Just like it is with the research I am doing on eating disorders. Ok, sometimes, if it is more relevant for one’s own life, the research goes along way easier, and is in fact more interesting, because of the degree to which one can relate to it, but my friend is right, passion does not have to be there first.
So, I will be able to develop – if not passion – at least excitement about the things I have to do for class and I will not let myself be influenced by others, like my professors. It does not matter how they treat me, as long as I believe in myself and the way I am working on the tasks. I just need to be diligent and prescribed to it in a way that does not hurt me and is somewhat natural. I mean, I cannot escape society, in fact I have to live in it and I need to accept it and try to take the best out of it. It is not all bad. It is difficult, for sure, but I can do it. Everyone can follow their dreams and everyone can fulfill them. But no one ever said it will be easy.

Oh, I did something… stupid yesterday…
I went to the gym and I checked my weight… I was frustrated and worked out for 3 hours. After that I was back on where I wanted to see my weight to be. I mean, although I understand Amanda and the logic of not obsessing with the numbers it is just incredibly hard and I just could not put up with not knowing anymore… The only thing I am scared of is that now I will be torn to weigh myself more often again and actually I don’t want to care anymore. However, I am also a bit scared, because I have not been eating much in the last weeks but did not lose weight. Which is fine, but Amanda said I still don’t eat enough. There we get to the point. Ok, I am not eating enough right now but am not losing weight. What would happen if I would eat enough? Gaining. And I do not want to gain ever in my life again.
It’s so frustrating.

Oh, and I did something else… something stupid again…
At the gym was this girl. she was seriously sick. She could barely lift her legs to get on the spinning bike. I saw her first on the eliptical for an hour (while I was on the eliptical), I heard people talking about her like “look how skinny she is”, “anorexic”, “sick”. So, I mean it was obvious. She did not stand up straight nor sit up straight, always leaned forward, her bones sticking out, her T-shirt way too big on her. When she moved her arms, you could see every bone, and muscle. Her eyes big and somewhat like they were coming out of her face. Her hair thin, dull and straight. I watched her. After the eliptical she was on the spinning bike. Very slowly. Very weak it seemed. So, I felt so bad, I felt like I needed to help her. But how do you talk to someone like her? I mean, I always wished someone would have approached me, in times that were really bad, but I was never “unhealthy looking” enough. I always looked healthy, or at least not like I had an eating disorder. And I remembered how in High School in Germany you were just labeled as an attention seeker if you were anorexic. So, I felt like I really needed to talk to her, offer her help, because no one would, right? I mean, who would approach someone and tell that person “Look, I am concerned about you. Let me help you.”. The only thing peopel would do is stare and say “OMG, she is so skinny”. But although I know that she has to want the help from within and for herself, I felt like just by confronting her I might be able to start her thinking process.
I was not courageous enough to just walk up to her and talk to her, but I went to my locker, wrote a small note and went back. In fact she was not on the spinning bike anymore (after an hour) but on the treadmill.
Her eyes, when I gave her the note told me that she thought I was crazy. I left. But I could not have went home without at least offering help to her.
I don’t know if it was wrong or right, but I had to do it.
Anyway, maybe I see her at the gym today again.
she hasn’t emailed me yet and I don’t think she will.
I hope she will be fine.
She really looked sick.

But I guess, now I need to take care of myself.

This is the first day of my life

I know I have said this over and over again and I had a million new beginnings, but I will utilize this phrase basically to remind myself on my need and urge to get better. I think I had a wonderful session with Amanda this morning, that made me realize a lot – again. She is so good. I wished I had her job. I think I would be good at it, too, I guess, I just need to recover first 🙂
and we talked about how I hate how long it is taking and she asked me “What do you think how long does it take to overcome a 13 year long eating disorder? You have not known anything else.” I know she is right, yet I am frustrated.
We talked about in-patient treatment.
And I want to do it.
I just don’t know how to afford it.
And for me, being foreign it is a little more complicated.

Maybe over Christmas?
Maybe even in Germany?
I’ve done research on it and I emailed a few places.
I will see.
I need to take action.
And I will.

Oh, I found this draft… I think it’s worth to be posted so even though this week is almost over (I can’t believe how time flies by so fast), I will post this and comment in it.
So a post in a post…

It’s Monday. Evening. Worst day is over.

I had group meeting for the first time today and am a little unsure about it.
I don’t like one of the girls, because of her attitude. She would check her phone every few minutes and also would look like she was not interested in the whole thing. So arrogant and annoying. She is also the skinniest of all of us. Most are binge eaters it seems. I am not sure though. I mean, I don’t know, because only two started talking about binging. All but the skinny girl seem nice though. I am just skeptical about it in general I fear. I am not sure about what I am allowed to say, what I am about to vent about. And I was so shy and reserved and I don’t know why.
So, I was thinking about saying something every second, but would not speak up. I was thinking to myself how I have to speak up and use my time in group, but I did not want to. No, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I felt embarrassed. I was scratching my arms and legs, I was obviously the most nervous. And being foreign I need more time to put my thoughts into words. Although there is another girl from Europe who was able to express herself perfectly. Just I wasn’t. I try not to put myself down because of that but I have to admit I was frustrated. I was reminded of how stupid I felt all my life, that I always felt like people would read S T U P I D on my forehead. I know this is nonsense but sometimes I feel exactly like that: stupid. worthless. superfluous.

And about this I talked with Amanda today.
She told me I was amazing, but I think she just has to say that.
She knows what she has to say. In fact, of course she does not say I’m stupid, because she knows that this would be counterproductive. I just cannot believe what she says, although I try. I simply don’t trust people. I am sick of being disappointed and sick of being a disappointment myself….

So, I promised myself to speak up towards Paula tomorrow and at the same time I will speak up towards group next week. And Amanda on Thursday. So 3 chances. If I only make one, I will be proud of myself.
Right now I believe Amanda will probably be the one hearing honesty but I will try to remember tomorrow when I am going to see Paula.

And yes, Amanda was probably the one I was most honest with, but I am still not too sure about how open I am. I guess, we did not talk much about nutrition and all that, but she said it did not matter. I think she would make a perfect eating disorder therapist. She is so insightful. And I was just so fucking nervous. I was even sweaty. I mean, how ridiculous. I couldn’t even really look at her and I was picking my finger nails and oh, I hate that. It makes me so nervous being nervous…
Anyway, I think I am making progress and today I have eaten very unhealthy, that is a lot, but I don’t really care. I mean, I will be fine. I am sure.
I am still in the same weight range. It upsets me, because I don’t want to weigh more than 120. But I had breakfast right before the session and I wore different clothes… So maybe, I … I don’t know, I try not to obsess with it.

So, to close I need a quote, right? I’ll give you this, I love to reflect on this. it makes me realize that this is caused by Bulimia. It is not really me. I am not alone and actually being alone is good. I need to take care of myself. We all do need time alone.

Weekends

So, it’s Sunday afternoon and I purged. I purged twice this weekend, although I did not really binge. I overate. I had Nachos and dips with lots of fat and calories soaring in my mind last night so I had to get rid of it. I just felt so bad about it. Today I had burger, fries and stopped at CVS to get cookies, which I ate in no time at home and I purged. Was actually planning on a binge feast but my roommate was home earlier so I eventually purged “only”….
I feel strange. I can tell the purges are harder on me. I wonder why that is.
I feel fat. I can see how I am getting bigger and bigger.
I want to lose this fear. I want to be free. I want to love myself and I want to be happy. I ask too much again. Even the simplest positive things can sometimes cause pain… I am miserable, I hate myself for purging, not because ot’s the guilt imposed by Bulimia, but more the guilt I feel towards my self-consciousness and responsibilities. I should not have. But now I have.
Ok, wow, yeah.. I did it. I am fully aware and responsible of it.
BUT I will not give up.
I will be fine.

Oh and that makes me think of the quote Daniel’s friend send me today. It will be my closing for today and then I will go to the Gym, to help my friend work out. Not to necessarily work out for myself. I love helping him to get in shape. Anyway, that quote is really good. I did not really know what to make out of it but now I see the meaning. so weird how things sometimes fall into place…

“The day finally came when the desire to remain the same became more painful than the risk to evolve”

Bulimia, take this!

Ha, day 3 of feeling good. Day 3 of not worryinh too much. day 3 of being hopeful.
I had a good breakfast and a decent lunch today. feel a little hungry just now, but will first get my work done and then before working out I might go get a small protein-filled snack somewhere.
Tonight my roommate and I will be making Margaritas and Nachos with salsa and other dips. We will watch movies, and maybe ask our upstairs neighbor to join 🙂
It will be a fun evening without any worries or miserable feelings. We’ll enjoy and indulge.
And there will be no room at all for Bulimia and her evil friends. Take this again, swallow it up and leave me alone. Yes, alone. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody to feel good. Others might thrill me, might be helpful, and it might be even wonderful to help others, and thrill someone else, but in the end I don’t need anybody, but me to be happy. It’s not about being selfish. If I was selfish I would not care or worry about others, but I do. I have compassion. Self compassion and compassion for others. The big difference though is, that only if I am content with my life, happy and love myself unconditionally, only then can I utilize this in interaction and relationships with others.
I’m happy and fulfilled to be on the right track right now.
I love to sit here in the library, browsing through books. I may dislike the exercise I have to do, just because it is nothing that breathes spirit or passion inside of me, but it is part of life to do things. To complete things, sometimes even to leave things undone. The same counts for motivation. Sometimes we just can’t stop doing one thing because we blossom in it, but sometimes we have to do something that we feel will make us fade. But we won’t we can only grow back stronger.
Defeat nourishes us.
Bulimia, take this positive attitude. can you see how conscious I am?
I know you are only harmful and I will try to take all liquid from you, so that you die and are unable to ever grow back in the same place, nor in another. I will defeat you and will not be defeated by you. There is no chance for you.
Adieu!