Monday

It’s Labor Day.

Day off.
But I am at work 🙂
Not working really, but at least trying to.
No motivation at all.

Want to hang out at the pool.
Will do so in a bit.

Feel like I need to change directions.

I want to stay here.
I want to live here.
A little bit longer.

But I want to work.
I want to enjoy that work.
I want to help others.
I want to stop focusing on myself.

I am fine.
I am strong.

But unfulfilled.

Feeling my emotions… not.

I guess, I figured something new out last night.
I had a pretty intense day. Work, suffering, self-controlling, loneliness, reflecting, thinking… and again realizing.
I watched two highly intense movies and sometimes I believe that I should write screenplays myself. I would fucking kick ass and get it right to the point. Or I should keep on writing novels, poetry and music for no other audience than my very own little self.

Anyway, I realized something extremely distressing and attritional last night…
I never really let my emotions out. I have them all locked up deep down inside me and I always try to repress them. No matter what it is. I mean, I cannot cry, I cannot laugh with all my heart, I cannot relax and enjoy myself (although I am trying hard sometimes), I cannot tell people when I dislike or like them, nor do I think have I ever told my parents I loved them. I believe it is because of all those mixed feelings I have in general. I feel a lot of things but only projected onto myself in comparison to other or especially to other situations. It is not easy to stay alive. When I was younger I thought a lot about running away or even suicide. I cut my arms, but for some reason (and actually I am glad I couldn’t) I could not cut deep enough. It is awful to be me. I am so full of shame and guilt and anger and yet I know that deep down inside of me there is something else. Someone else. I am so opposite on the inside than on the outside.
Probably if you would ask my friends, family or random people I crossed paths with in my life they would probably describe me as:

fun, outgoing, sweet, caring, stubborn, snobby, arrogant, sarcastic, “zum Pferde stehlen”, well-mannered, moral, perfectionistic, determined, independent, courageous.

But I am not. It’s just my “world-faceto say: Hello world,I am wonderful. I am fine. I fit in.”
I am full of anger, pain, self-hatred, self-pity, self-destruction, self-doubt and guilt. I am alone. And I am a lost romantic who thought she had found that special someone and failed.

I wished I could let my feelings out and embrace the world.
I feel like this journal turns out to be so pessimistic, but I try hard to be more optimistic in life. It is hard. I need someone who guides me through this. How can you let your emotions reveal if you are being rejected, disappointed and hurt? How can you really know what you are feeling if you are not willing to take the risk of accepting it?
But how can you accept feelings if they are being relentlessly perished.
I am so ashamed of my own feelings because they create so much misery within me.
Why do I fail, why do my emotions travel in the wrong lane all the time? Always ready to get hit or smashed or killed. I guess it’s me who went astray.

Maybe I need to confess to my feelings and let them out?
It is not easy because then I will be even more vulnerable, especially others and the world can bruise me then. Don’t I need to protect myself from that? Or is that harm maybe half as evil as the harm I am causing myself already, each and every day?

I know my thoughts may seem kind of off to you, but those who have had a struggle like that may be able to follow my thoughts. Life is tough. But we are in it and we have to deal with it. Life will never be easy. But I believe, that once you find someone who truly understands you and who you can truly trust, someone you can give all your heart to knowing it will be fine, I believe at that point I will be fine.

Confidence and Beauty

I found this video and because I like Kelly Clarkson, I thought I post it.
She is awesome, I wished I had her confidence and beauty 🙂

KELLY CLARKSON

Oh, and here one with even more confidence AND beauty

SHERRI SHEPHERD

How I wished, I could love myself the way I am.

Self doubts and destruction

Ok, I know i don’t find myself in the toilet, but still I always turn to it in times like… tonight… I can’t believed I screwed this day of structured eating… It was actually a really good day… and I ruined all my efforts. Of course, I feel horrible, and worthless. It is embarrassing most of al towards my own self that I again chose to purge instead of sitting down looking inside myself to finally reveal the reasons. One thing I learned tonight, structured eating during the day does not help me overcome the nights. My problem is just too deep, too painful, and too strongly attached to m true self that it is just so difficult to tear it off and throw it apart. I always try when I purge my heart and soul out but all it leaves is more damage. No cure, no solution to the problem.
I want to be myself so badly and I want to be happy. Happy with who I am. But I don’t know who that is. Who am I?
It feels like there is this neverending battle inside of me fought by my true self and the self I was raised to be, the one I am supposed to be – probably the one my true self despises and hates, just like I hate me. Maybe my true self is loveable and pure.
Why do I have to struggle so badly?
I think this was one of the triggers why tonight failed me in making this day worthy… I was with 3 friends and we also went to Ikea and out for dinner, so I was constantly reminded on what I am not. I saw many happy couples shopping for furniture, I saw happy families; momma running ater the 3 year old who just did what came to his mind not caring about anyone or anything around him, so free. I was reminded on how stressed I am. What was I thinking not be working? And then going for dinner. Everyone enjyoing the food, laughing, not caring about how many calories the dish had, or that this spoon was actually the one telling me that now it did not matter anymore… I would purge anyway… I hate that. I cannot enjoy food at all, I cannot enjoy the time with my friends, because all I can think of from one point on is: home, purge.

The last time I can remember that I truly enjoyed food and eating was with Daniel not too long ago… I made dinner with him or we went to Mandola’s. I did not care about food at all. Just being with him made me really happy.
Can someone be happy alone? Wouldn’t that be selfish?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy just by making someone else happy? i thought I did make him happy, but I was wrong and that hurts so much. How can I be so wrong in everything I do, in everything I perceive, in everything I think… in the way I am.

Krajina - Eduard Tomek

Doubts and speculations…

Koupani - E. Tomek

Ok, now, I started the day again with my 6K run. It was a good run but I also had a lot of things going on in my head.
Like, should I tell my friend (who called me last night to verify the time to pick her up on my run). I told her on the phone that I watched a documentary on eating disorders. She asked rhetorically “But you don’t have one, do you?” I waited two or three seconds before I said “No.” She did not ask anything about it today. Although I was thinking, if she would maybe I would tell her. She asked if I wanted to come for breakfast, but I rejected.
In any case, I am eating breakfast just now although I am not really hungry. A banana and oatmeal can’t be a bad idea though. I wished I knew how much I weigh though.

I have a little trouble keep finiding myself today. I don’t know but there are these thoughts and doubts and speculations.
I had a dream last night. And I have no clue what to make out of it. I think it is because “he” had mentioned it a few times. Like he said or asked me if I ever considered having sex with a girl or basically being intimate with one. Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post I have thought about it, just like probably every woman has at one point in their life… but last night I had a real’ cool dream but it is kind of puzzling for me now that I remember it. I am not sure. I guess I like the idea of it but I think I would still need a man around, too. Really weird. I mean even in the last couple of weeks I have been looking at women sort of differently and sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch a woman or kiss her I guess.
In any way, I don’t think it could be mind blowing for me but maybe this is something I also need to find out on the journey to myself. In any way I would not know how.
I mean also in our society being gay as a guy seems quite acceptable but being lesbian or even bi as a woman is a taboo. I am not sure, and I do not want to be conform. But here, I am just talking about trying things out I guess anyway, I really like what men can give me – at least I did when I was with him.

Anyway, he was here yesterday but I am not sure anymore why. I thought he wanted to simply show me that he is there for me but I mean, really??
I hope that’s his intention, but it also felt like he was just trying to find answers on how to help his sisters. This might be wrong to say but I have these self-doubts. Why would someone want to be there for me and listen anyway? I’m sick. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t need pity.

I feel a little lost in my thoughts today and I hope I can win back this energy I had the last days.

I will go run errands now and when I come back I will work. Simply keeping myself busy. That should help.

Maybe I will start painting.

Teenagers and Eating Disorders

Ok… so now I watched this “documentary” I ordered on Netflix. It is not all so bad as the raitings were saying but only really appealing for teens. And I am 25 and new all that already so I can already say this: “GET HELP NOW” IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE EVER!!!!!

So, but what did this documentary tell me:

more and more young people have eating disorder….
We know that, right?? And I disagree it is not a a trend but more a finally revealed fact.

Those who have an ED are physically worn out.
Yes, they are.

And it is about an obsession with food… Well in the teenage years, maybe yes, but then?? No!! I mean, it starts with that but there is more to it and we will get there….
Also a lot of us struggling with an ED also exercise execessivley, right?! Right. But still it is not a factor that applies to all of us. We are all so different.

Anyway, there cannot be a “Change over night” they say.. Umm… well, I guess not, but we all wished and we also think we can help ourselves…. at least those of us who are into it for a long long time.

The big question for teens though seems to be: how to get help.

I can relate to that very well. I was NEVER skinny and always a little chubby and thus, thought I was not really sick or that no one would believe me anyway. This is very very dangerous and I wished now that I had reached out earlier. It would have saved me from losing so many years of my life…

So, it is all about identifying the problem????
That is part of it.
We all get impressions of how to look:
TV, magazines, society show us the standards to live up to (and NO, this does not only apply to girls). But in the end we cannot blame the media that we don’t have any self consciousness and that we are just because of that obsessed with weight, our look and the competiton with others. The obsession is not the cause and of course we ll know that the medai is big fake place with airbrush and photoshop… so there is no real reason to look like that….

But we all strive for perfection which we will never reach. This is the truth – sorry. Not only is it subjective but it is simply not a goal to strive for, because it would make life and the world so boring!!!!

But, I understand if you say that society makes you think that this or that is what everyone thinks.

So here is what I think is important:

Be comfortable with yourself (how and who you are!!!). If you are not yet, and if you are bulimic you are probably not, get help, because you need to find the DEEPER problems. We are all unhappy, imperfect, right?
We want to take control and try to find a way to do so…

“Be or not to be”

is for us:

“Eat or not eat”

anorexics: don’t
bulimics: throw up

However we forget about the side effects or push them aside, seriously believeing we are not sick just because we are not really losing weight or not skinny enough….

BUT THIS IS so hazardous for teens ut also for people like me who are already 25 or older and I threw away already half of my life…. I have been unable to conentrate, been tired and passed out more than once or twice…

We are mentally and physically sick.

We are hurt inside and it will start showing on the outside. Sooner or later.

Get help SOONER, please!!

For me one of the underlyin reasons was that I never received my dad’s love. So and here I agree in full ith the movie: I hurt myself to reinforce that I am not worthy.
I compared myself and I always wanted to be different… to fix pain. Such a weird and messed up life and mood and my behavior even got to be addictive.

I also never had any self esteem -as most of us….
All I felt was OUT OF CONTROL but the urge to be in control…
I thought I was very emotional, but I was only if it was concerning other people. I cared way too much about other than about myself, because I thought it was a perfect trait to be caring…. BUT: we have to think about oour own self first. If we are not anymore what help can we be??? NONE!!!!

I have to learn to accept my feelings. MINE.
and I need to learn to TALK!!!

I could never tell one of my old friends, but I opened up towards a person who I probably believed was able to take it ( wow, I realize this now, I think I am not telling certain people, because I believe, that they could not deal with it because they are not on my level of understanding…. ok, this probably only makes sense to me 😉 )

Any way, please, everyone GET HELP:

a friend
teacher
counselor
your parents

I know it is about trust and I myself had and have the biggest struggle with that…

but TALK TO SOMEONE!!!
Someone who will provide you with further help.
“You will see the world in a different persepctive and gain purpose back in life”

for me it has been a mind blowing experience so far and I am anxious and excited about what else I will learn.

I am finding myself and that it also what EDS are about.

It seriously may help you if you have someone else tell you that you are in danger. My ex “bf” did that. He is amazing.
I have a t
people just need to listen for hours to get weight off

PLUS therapist listening to me, but him listening means a lot to me. The world.

So, also keep in mind to learm about nutrition and other healthy life choices. so, no medications (it#s just addictive, exoensive and unhelpful! If there was medication that would work, there would be no me or you or at least the probelm and situation we are in would have already been solved and someone out there who would be a billionaire….
Learn how to diet correctly and drink enough water, get a balanced exercise to be happy with yourself and your appearance. Don’t rely on others or their approval.. I mean, why???

This was the equation he movie served me with:

H [health] + S [success] = [a&sY] accepting and supporting yourself!!!

BE YOURSELF!
Be happy with yourself

Start with getting help and try to figure out your vwry own personal problems.
It may take time but your attitude is all that matters

The body is THE part of us : physically, emotionally, intellectualy and all this works together to make us wonderful!!!

Good night everyone.

I am still doing great!

I had a full blown lunch today!! Soup and a panini!! I have to admit though that I did not have breakfast; only coffee with a sip of soy milk. However, I was not hungry. So, I don’t think I should force it then. I was glad I did not feel the urge to eat at all and also not the urge not to eat. I know contradictory in terms but that is what my life was like, chaotic, and I did not know what I wanted. Not that I am saying in just a few days I have turned a round completely and am fine, but I have learned so much already that I don’t want to look back.
I am sure that I will be facing days that won’t go so well as the last two but that is life and I need to accept that.
Brian had said that it is “ok” if I purge. Well not “ok” in the sense of “Go for it”, but in the sense of not putting myself down if it happens. I should not count the days, I should simply look forward, straight ahead and challenge what I need to face on this path.

Tonight I will see him again.
I still miss him a lot, although he is there for me in a special way. Like, every time I see him it fills me up with hope and security and every time I talk to him I feel like he understands or at least tries to. I am very happy I trusted him and told him about this. Without him I may have not understood what this is all about – sounds like I was holding on to external factors but this is something else: sometimes you need to be pushed towards the better because sometimes you think your eyes are open when they are really not. Like daydreaming.
I miss him though physically. Of course when I see him I wished I could kiss him, touch him or simply take his clothes off, but he is right. It is better if we don’t, although I miss having sex with him a lot. And I never thought I could ever miss sex at all. But I guess we have to sacrifice sometimes for our own good. I need to get better, I need to recover and I guess, I need to be selfish for a while in terms of focussing on myself only.

I try and it is a good feeling sometimes and I guess I need to establish self-confidence to bring myself even further.

Recovery is going her way pushing Bulimia out of the ring. I am fighting her and I will beat her. Whatever it takes, because I want to live.

:)

No purging last night. I had a full blown dinner and enjoyed it.
I was even comfortable after eating it.
And today my daily run was great! I ran faster and it went easier than usually. I feel good.

I have been thinking about a couple of things though that Brian told me yesterday. I am wondering about how I got to the point of having no self-esteem. I think when I was younger around 18 or 19 I did have more self esteem than now. Sadly true. In any case, the fact that I was so insecure and just so not conscious and confident about myself puzzles me. But what I learned is that people who are like that, I mean insecure, rely more on external factors. I mean it makes perfect sense, how could someone rely on one’s self if there is no trust in one’s own abilities and one’s own life. So, and this is true, people like me tend to rely and tend to hold on to the fixation, for example of becoming perfect on the outside, in order to then being appreciated. But, then one is still not appreciated for one’s self, but more for superficial appearance or performance. This also makes perfect sense when I think back on the states of my bulimia… I was doing well in terms of not b/p when I was with my first and only boyfriend. I was fine because I had something else to hold on to and to rely on. But we need to first trust and rely on our own self. Because how sad as it may sound that is what in the end it will come down to. Of course sharing lives is wonderful, but you cannot do so if you don’t keep yourself at the same time.
This is a very interesting discovery for me. I always thought giving myself up completely for someone I love is the ideal. And it partially it may be so but only if it happens mutually. You let someone into your life and you are granted access to someone else’s life without forgetting about yourself and your needs. If I make sense here, but what it comes down to is, that I am really needing to find my true self in order to love myself and eventually be truely loved back for who I am.

I am thankful for this day and happy I am alive.

Bach

Bach – Arioso
Just saying thanks for reading. and listening to Bach… I used to play his pieces all the time.

Therapy

Where do I start?
Maybe I should sleep a night and write then, but I felt today’s session was just really really really good. This psychologist, let’s call him Brian, is excellent. I’m kind of sad that today was the last time meeting with him, because I feel like in those few sessions we have hit very important and valuable points.

I don’t know where to start?
There was so much that fit in that hour!!
My childhood was part of it, as well as the break-up with my “bf”, me being a failure, me being stupid, fat, ugly, imperfect and of course me starting to realize things, my values, my morality, my will to change me and my behavior. Yes, it is a mental and behavioral change that I need to face. I can’t explain though, why I feel so strong now!!!
It is a great feeling. When I came home I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty good-looking girl who is able to give and receive a lot of love and who maybe even is quite awesome… I have NEVER thought that of me. NEVER. I don’t want to sound like I was full of myself, because I am not, but I start realizing that everyone has that unique, special beauty inside. We just have to let it out. And I am not talking about this superficial beauty our society tries to preach us.

(INSERT: I feel like I could tell my mom about this…. just this very moment I feel that, but I will not, I will need to reflect and think over this…. but eventually I may will… and I feel great about even thinking this right now!!!!)

Ok, I guess I should start with the childhood part touched…
I told him about my parent’s divorce, of course he already kne from the eval in the beginning but you know and that’s what I liked about Brain, he simply asked “I see you thinking” and I would start talking… of course that is his job, but he is doing it well.
I started off by saying, I know my childhood might have something to do with it, but I mean, I know, so should that not mean I am aware, and not develop a “stupid” behavior like that? I thought I accepted it and yes, I may have, but still my childhood formed me. He asked if I knew in what age human beings are most influencial, and of course I know… I said: “I read Freud.” He told me that “smart people like you, and you are smart, think that they can help themselves on their very own” and he is right, noone can help him/herself… this is probably the key to understanding psychology.

Oh, I am so happy I finally am getting help. I never thought I was sick, but I am. And I need help and I am receiving it at whatever costs!!!

Ok, so my childhood is one of the key parts of why I am binging and purging. I always was trying to get my dad’s attention, but never got it, until actually recently… Once I told him I will go to Texas to get my PhD he would care more about me. But still, our relatuonship today is not really good. Anyway, I will need to talk about this more with my new psychologist, let’s just call her Paula.

But it gets me to the next point which was actually our first point to discuss:

Me and my problems with trust and relationships….
He agreed with me that I was having troubles with relationships and trust. We hit that issue at the last session already. In the meanwhile my “bf” broke up with me. He said he was sorry and to be honest him saying that made me feel worse about it. I am trying to think that the break-up was for a good reason, but I am still believing that we might have a chance when I am cured. But him saying he was sorry makes it sound so definite. So done. So like what I am trying to ignore. This guy is just amazing and I actually saw him again tonight when I went home. I just need to look into his eyes and I feel secure.
Anyway, I know I need to accept his decision and it hurts very much, that Bulimia has destroyed this. But that is how it is.
I told Brian that I don’t trust people, simply because I always got hurt and simply because I am losing my faith in love. He said he was said I did not belive in love anymore. But I told him again that my values and morality is very idealistic and I asked if I had to stop holding on to them…. I am a little puzzled about this in fact… hmmm… I ust seet that now. Well, I wondered if my thinking was immature, if I was way too idealistic, if I needed to change that, if at 25 I should already give up in some views… should I???
Life is difficult.

In any case, I told him how Bulimia always made me feel minor, unwanted and guilty. I told him, that in the past I have been disappointed a lot. Many many people lied to me. Many people would use me and many people would simply turn out to be different in what I was always thought they were. And yes, my experiences have caused my faith in love and the good in people to fade but Brian made me realize that if we give up the faith (in whatever way) we will give up faith in ourselves. And yes, I am the living proof.

So, he asked me what happened if I met someone (a guy for instance) and I told him that I don’t let people get close to me. He asked me why and I said because I was scared. He asked me about my (now) ex “bf” and I said that I believed he was perfect, that I thought I could trust him and that I even told him that I was bulimic and other things…. but I forced it to fail. I told him how I knew how to end relationships myself rather than having the guy hurt me. I told him about how I knew what to say to make him not want me anymore: that is, by saying things that person would not agree with, by acting a certain way that I knew the other person would not want and by being simply not myself. He said this was typical for people who had problems with relationships and he asked if I wanted to end up alone. I found that pretty harsh but now I think he is right in confronting me with that. No, I do not want to be alone (not only speaking in the sense of love-relationships). I play safe, but am not secure about myself at the same time.

Which in brevity brings us to the next point:
self-esteem, insecurity…. self-image
He pretty much told me in my face that I was very insecure. Well, he said it indirectly (as he did with most statements, but this was a great strategy). I caught exactly what he was saying and agreed. I know I have low self esteem which is why I feel so strange about feeling so good today, I guess. Inever found myself pretty nor successful or even perfect (While I know start realizing that perfection is nothing to really strive for, but even normality is sort of difficult).
Anyway, I lost my “bf” because of how I was used to be dealig with relationships and trust. I still wished I could turn back time, but I try to accept how it is. It is hard, and now I feel very sad. But even though there would be much more to write about but now I feel like I should let things settle a little.

I got a movie from netflix on eating disorders it recieved bad ratings but I felt like I should still watch it and see…. so I will do so now and am thankful for this day, it was exhausting, interesting, enlightening, good.

I keep fighting.