Ok, so trying to push the negative thoughts away is not a good idea… that’s what Paula said. So, I have to accept them, I have to in a way acknowledge their existence but at the same time try to move on, that is I need to be able to separate myself from them. I wonder how that would be like…
I feel down, devastated, depressed… I should have asked her. What does it mean in practice? Should I cry? Should I tell myself “I see and feel it’s there, but I will not cry? Should I focus on the things I need to do, or would that mean I am pushing it aside?
I am a bit confused about it. Although I understand what she means by accepting it and allowing those feelings. It seems difficult to do.
We talked about so many issues today. Well, I had my mind all over the place, and my impatience is just going up and down the wall, it is insane.
I told her, how I was doing pretty well today and that it might be because I am seeing Daniel today. He is the only one I can talk to. He is supportive in doing nothing, but listening. He simply does not try to fix me, but tell me that I will be fine. I would be lost without him. Because I have no one comparably wonderful in my life. Even though he is not really there, and I really miss him physically, I think it won’t harm me to see him. I’m verifying this because Paula kept asking me how I felt about it, why I wanted to see him, if it really is a good idea. She would cover her face with her hands, what I wasn’t really sure how to read. And I probably should not interpret EVERYTHING. However, she asked for my strategy (I guess, meaning other motifs behind my intention to see him) but this brought us somehow to my mom… like how she is a self-named therapist (having studied Psychology a little and reading psych stuff all the time she may even be eligible for the title…
So, my mom for example would just try to therapy me and fix me. It’s not her duty and I don’t want her to anyway. Although I almost told her about what I am going through… I keep telling people about it, it is ridiculous, because I really have to be careful who I can trust. And there are not many people that deserve to be trusted anyway.
So, Daniel, is just there, and that’s where the circle ends. I mean, he is what I need in terms of support. That I wished there was more than that is another issue. And I will follow Daniel’s rule of not talking about us – at least I will try… I guess. Ha, Paula also said what we would talk about or if we would actually talk if I was doing ok. Would we meet? Would we talk about music, films etc? I said I think we would, but just now I think… No. Probably not and that would be really sad. But that is probably the whole point…
Paula also asked in that context who else I have in my life. Which I answered with “my cat”. But extended it with some good will to my new roommate (while we still have to get to know each other), my departmental friends and people in Germany, who I don’t want to share private issues with simply because it would just make it worse for them to understand. Long distance support is not a good idea right now.
I also told her how I am passionate about teaching, not the work around it, but that I can zone in to my teaching perfectly, I will not think about what really concerns me. I will do my thing, I want to give them a good experience learning and do my best at it. While I am always very self-critical.
Oh and I will start taking medication. I have made my mind up about that and I will at least try. I think it can speed things up and really help my depression. I don’t want to gain weight through it though, and become indifferent and emotionally numb. These are my top 3 concerns about it.
Nonetheless, I agree with Paula, that my life is just way too complicated especially on the interpersonal level that a little help chemically could be of success.
However, my body image and weight issues are still very severe I believe.
I just made myself eat a slice of bread with tomato-cottage cheese-onion “spread”… I feel bad about it, because I had a piece of coffee cake with my soy chai at Starbucks this morning… so in addition to my apple juice I am already over half of what I allow myself. In fact, there is this post from a stupid blog on my mind… I have been scanning it the other day it was written by an “ex-anorexic” BUT she did not seem to be a ex-anorexic at all. It made me mad. She would be posting about how bad she has been doing with food. Like she would allow herself only 400kcal a day and that day she must have expanded it to 500 and she could not deal with it. Something like that. Anyway, it makes me think about how my allowance is 3times as much at the most and how fat I must be if I ate 3 times as much as an ex anorexic. I mean, I can figure out myself that she obviously is not recovered yet but that is what makes me mad. Don’t lie to others and especially, please don’t lie to yourself. You are harming yourself and others who really try and want to get back on track…
I don’t know why I brought this up now, but I needed to vent on this, I suppose.
Back to Paula: we talked briefly about body image and body image distortion. I need to ask Amanda about a study which must have been done among people with an eating disorder, in which they are asked to compare themselves to silhouttes, that is pick the silhouette that matches your own body type. What happened? Of course the matching was inappropriate. I wonder how that can be. I really see myself and I see myself on pictures. I mean.. hello? I don’t get it.
Then she told me about someone from UT who does research in educational psychology. Kristin Neff specializes in self-compassion studies I assume. I am reading her article from January when she was awarded a grant from UT. Anyway, I will see how helpful that is.
Ok, at any rate, I am doing pretty good today, run some errands and then meet Daniel.
🙂
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