I fucking need to get on my feet and fight…

…and clear my head and start living.

Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.

But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.

1st: I will start saying no.

2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.

3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).

4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).

5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).

6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)

7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.

8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.

9th: I will go step by step.

10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.

I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.

Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:

There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.

I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.

Life is slowly returning…

…it feels like….

Busy Busy Busy!

Wow, I got SO much done today. I should be proud!! Instead I am thinking that I should have set my priorities differently. What? Stupid perfectionism. I got more done than anyone else today. I went for an 1-hour run in the morning, called my grandma, had two 1-hour Doctor appointments, graded 35 tests, graded 10 essays so far (25 more to go… yuck), proof-read a more than imperfect 10-page conference paper translation which took me more than 3 hours, had 3 balanced meals, got paperwork together for my dad, tidied up a little, chatted briefly with my mom (family day???), set up a date for tomorrow night and tutored for an hour. I wonder how that all fitted into one single day… ha, and I did not get any course work done for my own class as of tomorrow… great, I might skip two of my classes… would be a smart choice – perhaps?
We will see… haven’t missed any yet and we are half way through the semester, so why not? I will get up at 5.30 and go from there… let’s see how far.
The weekend ahead is already a bit scary… but if I keep my work-a-holic attitude I can rock it. At least I’ll try.

OH! and I overcame a binge tonight. Well I binged half way and then realized that this was just too stupid. So, I quit. I just quit eating. Although I feel full, I did not go further to then eventually lead to a purging session. Nope. I did not, do not and will not. I guess I can be proud of myself. All I’d need now is someone who’d reassure to me that I will be fine and that I am worth at least something, because that is what I lack. Acknowledgment. I feel so needless and stupid. And I try to repress these thoughts, but it is very difficult and my heart starts accelerating and my chest tightens… I feel alone, just now and I know just that there is no one there of whom I could expect any kind of help.

So, I keep relying on myself.

By the way, self-reliance is such an issue. I discovered that with my therapist today. I really don’t want to be needy, I hate being in need and would never ever on this planet ask for help. Every time I did in the past, I have been rejected. No wonder I am such a hopeless case. Oh, and she said it was normal for women with EDs to have a problem with spending. And actually I just read an article about that issue in connection with bipolar disorder. Geesh, I need to control myself. But not with (or without) eating. Still, my therapist could not really tell me how I can take better care of myself. On the other hand she did say that she was glad that even though I am going through a lot of stress, I have not really been using binging and purging as a measure to escape. Only those two Fridays… and that is less frequent as in June when I was at home, but as my nutritionist pointed out more frequent than in July or even August, when I went two weeks or so without purging (while I was restricting more at that point though and exercising excessively)… so, I am kind of lost.
I was thinking about writing a post in the form of a personal inventory in stages of age and time. I will do that, or I will work on it and once it is elaborated post it, I feel like that will be really difficult, exhausting, but helpful.
For now, I say good night, I need to grade another hour before getting hopefully a hand full hours of sleep…

Oh, and I guess I made my mind up in order to rather go into debt than out of therapy.
I scheduled an appointment for next week, but I think I will ask her for bi-weekly sessions. Might be a good preparation for the time after IOP? Who knows.

My 2 cents on my recent purging behaviors

Since I started recovery I made “a purge” become such a big deal. But really? It is not. except the one a week ago, during which I almost died. But I mean, I know it is bad for my health, and since my heart rate is low and my Cholesterol high, it might not make this better, BUT (and the doctor I saw this week said that, too), my body kind of adjusted to a lot of states – maybe that is also why I am not losing weight anymore although my intake is below my BMR. Not intentionally and I am not exercising excessively anymore, because I am just so tired and lacking motivation, but still my fitness explains my heart rate. Unfortunately I don’t have money to see a cardiologist, and eventually to see my therapist, especially since her co-pay went up (actually by 20 percent! which I find pretty alarming, also kind of strange, because I thought it should have stayed the same for 9 sessions, have I already met with Paula 9 times? Not really because the increase went into effect in September, so that I had to pay for the last couple of times as well, without even having received an announcement of the change. Anyway. I will have to quit.)
So, I think my depression is to the most part simply psychologically and I doubt that my psyche really developed chemical deficits. They tell me I am lacking Serotonin and a SSRI – I think, that was the Acronym for what they try to make me believe – is what I am in need to be treated with and which is feeding my depression. I mean if so, I need a written black on white proof showing me that I am actually lacking exactly this. Thank you.
So, if I don’t believe that I am chemically lacking something, then I do believe that there is something going on in my head. Correct. So far so good, I actually believe that I am going crazy. And actually, I believe, that my natural coping mechanism has been failing lately, it has worsened from the first time I have mentioned to someone that I was possibly not alright. Fair enough, I was not. But I think I just need some happy pills. Will start taking Vitamine B complexes, because I heard it helps not to be so tired.

So far so good, here is my current plan:

A) Quit Sessions off Campus
B) Maybe See Someone on Campus until December
C) No Meds
D) Vitamin B Complex
E) If I purge, I purge.
F) Work
G) Work out
H) Stop caring about others for a while in terms of having others affect my life and my well-being and I won’t reach out for help anymore at all
I) Stop caring about myself in terms of having it pull me down
J) Put on that Face again

Sounds good. And today I am already doing well.
Actually I think putting on a face is a great thing.
Makes you powerful.

with all my heart

“… the shackled anger I am accustomed to… reflecting on myself… and with every tear there are a thousand more that need to follow so I may climb from the darkness… ” I found this on an ED website

So… I thought about quitting therapy for now with Paula. I cannot afford it. I will look into using at least my free sessions at the University. And then it’s December… and I will go to the intensive Outpatient thing.
I also reconsidered my decision on taking medication.
I will not, because I cannot afford it. So, I have to make it through the next couple of months and then I will be fine. I will have more time to focus on my work if I don’t spend so much time thinking about myself anyway, so that’s another good aspect about quitting. Sometimes I think, I should not even do treatment. Or not now. I could and probably should try to keep fighting on my own and put it off till the summer possibly?
I mean, now I have group and I see Amanda and I think I have the possibility to see a counselor on campus.
So, why should I waste hundreds and hundreds of dollars more on something that has not been helping me anyway. Things got worse and I think they cannot get better if I start worrying about money and time. So, I think there is a reasonable need to put this off. Yes. So I will. And I can do it alone. I am stronger than ever. Today for example I functioned perfectly well. I got up at 6.30, ran 45 minutes, had a good breakfast, worked, did some paperwork also, went to school, had meetings and worked more, had a good lunch, got stuff done, even initiated choir practice and although I did not feel 100percent good, I made it through. I acknowledged my sorrow and pain, but also took pride in my accomplishments.
It was a good and productive day and I want my whole life to be like that and only I can make it be that way and simply because I am strong, I will make it. On my own and with all my heart.

How do I feel today?

This is a valid question. In fact, I am not sure if I have an answer to it yet.
I went running for about 30-40 minutes – not exactly sure how long – this morning, and I had a pretty big breakfast. Yes, I did. Not at Starbucks. At home. I should not go to Starbucks anymore every day. That will save me some money 🙂 Plus I want to de-addict myself from it a little bit.

I have a therapy session today and should call back my group leader so that she knows, that I was skeptical but will come again. I mean, it was just something I have never done before and I am very reserved in the beginning. I also felt like the girls were talking about superficial stuff, ok, it was the first time and I don’t know, but all I had on my mind was philosophical, spiritual and so different. I am also not the oldest anymore, at least I know that at least two others are my age. In any case, they talked about boyfriends. How substantial. They all rely on having someone else while I try to get rid of that idea but it is difficult to do so if people around you hold on to that.

I have to get some work done before therapy and I promised myself I will be diligent and do so. Also goign to the gym later today to help my friend…
Anyway, tonight I am going to see Jason Mraz live 🙂 I am very much looking forward to that. So, it will be a busy day but hopefully good.

“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.” ~Emory Austin

Monday

It’s Labor Day.

Day off.
But I am at work 🙂
Not working really, but at least trying to.
No motivation at all.

Want to hang out at the pool.
Will do so in a bit.

Feel like I need to change directions.

I want to stay here.
I want to live here.
A little bit longer.

But I want to work.
I want to enjoy that work.
I want to help others.
I want to stop focusing on myself.

I am fine.
I am strong.

But unfulfilled.

Accepting my emotions

Ok, so trying to push the negative thoughts away is not a good idea… that’s what Paula said. So, I have to accept them, I have to in a way acknowledge their existence but at the same time try to move on, that is I need to be able to separate myself from them. I wonder how that would be like…
I feel down, devastated, depressed… I should have asked her. What does it mean in practice? Should I cry? Should I tell myself “I see and feel it’s there, but I will not cry? Should I focus on the things I need to do, or would that mean I am pushing it aside?
I am a bit confused about it. Although I understand what she means by accepting it and allowing those feelings. It seems difficult to do.

We talked about so many issues today. Well, I had my mind all over the place, and my impatience is just going up and down the wall, it is insane.

I told her, how I was doing pretty well today and that it might be because I am seeing Daniel today. He is the only one I can talk to. He is supportive in doing nothing, but listening. He simply does not try to fix me, but tell me that I will be fine. I would be lost without him. Because I have no one comparably wonderful in my life. Even though he is not really there, and I really miss him physically, I think it won’t harm me to see him. I’m verifying this because Paula kept asking me how I felt about it, why I wanted to see him, if it really is a good idea. She would cover her face with her hands, what I wasn’t really sure how to read. And I probably should not interpret EVERYTHING. However, she asked for my strategy (I guess, meaning other motifs behind my intention to see him) but this brought us somehow to my mom… like how she is a self-named therapist (having studied Psychology a little and reading psych stuff all the time she may even be eligible for the title…
So, my mom for example would just try to therapy me and fix me. It’s not her duty and I don’t want her to anyway. Although I almost told her about what I am going through… I keep telling people about it, it is ridiculous, because I really have to be careful who I can trust. And there are not many people that deserve to be trusted anyway.
So, Daniel, is just there, and that’s where the circle ends. I mean, he is what I need in terms of support. That I wished there was more than that is another issue. And I will follow Daniel’s rule of not talking about us – at least I will try… I guess. Ha, Paula also said what we would talk about or if we would actually talk if I was doing ok. Would we meet? Would we talk about music, films etc? I said I think we would, but just now I think… No. Probably not and that would be really sad. But that is probably the whole point…

Paula also asked in that context who else I have in my life. Which I answered with “my cat”. But extended it with some good will to my new roommate (while we still have to get to know each other), my departmental friends and people in Germany, who I don’t want to share private issues with simply because it would just make it worse for them to understand. Long distance support is not a good idea right now.

I also told her how I am passionate about teaching, not the work around it, but that I can zone in to my teaching perfectly, I will not think about what really concerns me. I will do my thing, I want to give them a good experience learning and do my best at it. While I am always very self-critical.

Oh and I will start taking medication. I have made my mind up about that and I will at least try. I think it can speed things up and really help my depression. I don’t want to gain weight through it though, and become indifferent and emotionally numb. These are my top 3 concerns about it.
Nonetheless, I agree with Paula, that my life is just way too complicated especially on the interpersonal level that a little help chemically could be of success.
However, my body image and weight issues are still very severe I believe.
I just made myself eat a slice of bread with tomato-cottage cheese-onion “spread”… I feel bad about it, because I had a piece of coffee cake with my soy chai at Starbucks this morning… so in addition to my apple juice I am already over half of what I allow myself. In fact, there is this post from a stupid blog on my mind… I have been scanning it the other day it was written by an “ex-anorexic” BUT she did not seem to be a ex-anorexic at all. It made me mad. She would be posting about how bad she has been doing with food. Like she would allow herself only 400kcal a day and that day she must have expanded it to 500 and she could not deal with it. Something like that. Anyway, it makes me think about how my allowance is 3times as much at the most and how fat I must be if I ate 3 times as much as an ex anorexic. I mean, I can figure out myself that she obviously is not recovered yet but that is what makes me mad. Don’t lie to others and especially, please don’t lie to yourself. You are harming yourself and others who really try and want to get back on track…
I don’t know why I brought this up now, but I needed to vent on this, I suppose.

Back to Paula: we talked briefly about body image and body image distortion. I need to ask Amanda about a study which must have been done among people with an eating disorder, in which they are asked to compare themselves to silhouttes, that is pick the silhouette that matches your own body type. What happened? Of course the matching was inappropriate. I wonder how that can be. I really see myself and I see myself on pictures. I mean.. hello? I don’t get it.
Then she told me about someone from UT who does research in educational psychology. Kristin Neff specializes in self-compassion studies I assume. I am reading her article from January when she was awarded a grant from UT. Anyway, I will see how helpful that is.

Ok, at any rate, I am doing pretty good today, run some errands and then meet Daniel.

🙂

a week

…tomorrow it has been a week without exercising and with eating a lot during the days… My friend and I will have a Spa Day today and tomorrow and then I will head back home… School and work start Wednesday, so I will be super busy…
I am kind of scared about what is going to happen…
I am scared about finding out Thursday how much I have gained also…
and I am scared about all the stress and the chances to run into Daniel. I miss him so much. I silently cried myself to sleep last night…
It’s ridiculous.

A day of a Bulimic

I am working actually but this stupid file transfer shows me it will take 38 minutes and since the program cannot be used while transferring files, I will simply write another blog entry.
I realized that my latest posts were sort of lacking the right depth as well as the right focus. Lately, I found it very difficult to concentrate and to even put my thoughts together in an effective way, maybe that is also why I cannot really concentrate.

Ok, now I would like to present you with what my days actually look like. I mean, I am living in a western society, namely the USA. People may think, heck it is just like everyone else’s day and that may be so, if there was not Bulimia my invisible and invincible half-of-my-lifetime partner.

A day with Bulimia. And it’s raining down on me from the moment I get up…

Kata Kabanova - Eduard Tomek

4:30am : my cat jumps up and down the bed, you can hear him hanging in the blinds, throwing down a glass that is still half full. I’m waking up, feeling horrible, remembering that just 5 hours before I was leaning head over in the toilet. My neck is stiff, my muscles in my arms and shoulder sore, especially my left arm. I feed the cat getting back to bed already thinking about everything that is ahead of me this very day. My thoughts are circling and again the question “Will I finally be able to end a day like everyone else? Not binging and purging?” I feel like I need at least an hour more rest but will not fall asleep before 5.30 if at all.

6:00 am: my alarm clock is singing “Guten Morgen, guten Morgen, guten Morgen Sonnenschein…” I turn it off. My body is weak from last night’s session. I feel horrible. But I know I have to get up. I need to get a lot of things done today to fit in this society. So I do. My cat is licking my hand, eventually starting to bite it, all happy that he can finally hunt my ankles and bite my legs.

6:20 am: I am off for my daily run. I pick up a friend on the way, listen to what she has to say, being annoyed by some of the superfluous content, while my mind remembers the way I looked in the mirror this morning. All fat and ugly. Exhausted. I keep running, it makes me feel alive. My heart rate is low, I am used to running to much, I need to run more in order to challenge myself and also to loose these extra 10 Ibs.

7:30 am: I am back at my Apartment. Feeling a little energized to star the day and to eat right and healthy. I feel confident that I can do it and that I will recover.

8:20 am: I am at the bus stop waiting for my bus to school. I am wearing a new T Shirt… in the bus someone tells me that I still had the tag on my shirt. I feel so embarrassed while I try to tell myself that this is nothing. It is ok. It can happen to everyone. But it is putting me down. I already feel ashamed about myself, about what I did again last night. I feel like if I look at someone that person can tell. But how would they know? It is a well-kept secret.

9:00 am: I am at Starbucks getting my morning Soy Chai. It is too sweet and I already feel bad about it. I am counting calories. I get lost in thoughts about my weight. I feel my fat wobbling when I walk. I wished I were somewhere or someone else.

Then I usually manage it to work a little bit, while I get distracted very easily.
I get hungry; eat grapes and a rice cake. Have a stomachache. Feel awful. Wished last night did not happen. Wished I were pretty. Wished I were successful. Wished I were not stupid. Wished I could keep my own personal promises and reach my own ideals. I am a failure.

I will eventually eat something like yoghurt and fruit or even a bagel for lunch and drink lots of tea, apple juice or coffee. Feeling awful about anything I consume.

3:00pm: I am getting tired and exhausted. I know I have to work more, so I do and I end till 4 or 5 pm. Time to go to the gym. 70 minutes running is not enough. I need to swim at least 30 minutes or longer or go to exercise after the swim. I need to. I want to be perfect. I need to fit in.

7:00pm : I am taking the bus home. I should have went back to the office working a little more to not be faced with being home alone. I cannot wind down. Not at home but not somewhere else. I have optimistic plans on my evening home alone. I want to cook a healthy and well- balanced meal, eat it while enjoying a good glass of wine or a beer. Watching a DVD or online TV. I would love to relax, but I am already stressed out about what all I have to accomplish the next day, in my life and in recovery. I am overwhelmed by the world I live in and I am overwhelmed with who I am. For all my thoughts circle around this very thought and I cannot figure it out.

If all goes well, I decide to go to bed early.
Sometimes I end up drinking.
If I end up drinking I am most likely to end up binging and purging, but even if I don’t drink I may end up in Bulimia’s arms, my last resort in moments of full self denial and rejection, lost hope and faith, being so lonely that the pain inside is screaming as loud as it can, not waking me up though, but making myself numb for the reality, so I am again torn into purging, trying to get rid of it that way. But I fail. And even though I know I will fail, I try again and again, harder and harder… It is a battle already lost, but I tell myself that lost battles can lead to new beginnings that can be even more powerful, substantial and puissant.

And so I fight the night. Again.

WORK help me through the day!!!!

The only way to keep yourself away from bulimia is work. I cannot concentrate well and it takes forever to complete my tasks but at least work gets you through the day.
However, it is so difficult to not think about food, exercising and the pain that will expect me at night.
So, I decided I will try to stay away from home for as long as I can in the future. I will simply drive up to Mount Bonnell and sit there and watch the sunset.
Evenings are THE worst. BUT, what can you do? I mean at some point we all have to go home and we all have to sleep. Although I am lacking that a lot. Last night I basically cried myself to sleep. And I have not done that in a long time actually. I usually take the pain. I usually just binge-purge and feel that guilt that makes me want to cry, but I just bend my body and look into the mirror telling myself how weak I am and try not to cry. Because once you start you cannot stop and then sooner or later you fall even deeper. I think.