This whole help issue…

… is getting more and more frustrating…

I can’t sleep because I worry so so much.
I basically tried to gain a view over my financial situation… It is so not good. I really don’t need this part of my reality right now. Now, that I have decided that it is best for me to get into more intensive treatment and now that I have understood how bad my situation really is.
With Paula I hit the nail on the head today.
I told her about me reaching out and being rejected by D. I also told her how I want to be indifferent with him. I hate him so much. I just needed him to listen. 5 minutes would have been enough. Ok, so no support from there. Again I invested trust into someone who would eventually reject me if I was needy. And I learned so well not to be needy. I am mastering it. That’s why it is even more disappointing to reflect on what happened Friday. There must be something about me that I always keep falling for the wrong people, that I trust the wrong people and that I end up in painful situations over and over again.
I am so sick of it.
I wished I could finally lift myself out of this deep swallowing dirt, but I cannot do it alone. And Paula reassured me in that also. She also said that not all people were like him and that I have just been very unfortunate in my life in this respect and as a consequence now master acting out indifference. Means of self-protection. But now that I am discovering all this in therapy it does not work this easily anymore, because well-known coping mechanisms are not supposed to be an option and it is just really hard.

So, I also had an appointment at the Physician. Which did not go very well.
My heart rate is very very low. To be exact it is 48. I had an EKG done and need to get lab work done tomorrow. She said it might be that it is that low because I am exercising so much, but taking into account many other symptoms that I have developed, like dizzyness or difficulties to concentrate etc etc… she said that it might even be my heart muscle… So, I don’t know what to think or do about this. I tried to eat super healthy today and did not go to the gym although I have not been now in 2 days and feel horrible about my lazy self.

At any rate, I checked my bank accounts today and despite my excessive lifestyle of the last few months I had to realize that I am broke.
I will have about 300 dollars a months after paying for monthly expenses excluding food and personal enjoyment which I will have to eliminate from now on if I want to do treatment in December/January. I don’t even know how I will be able to do that. Because the Deductible is 250, and then I would have to cover 1750 myself in addition until my insurance covers the rest. So 2000 Dollars to save up from 300 in 3 months. I M P O S S I B L E.

I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do now. Even if I stopped my current treatment now, I would not save the money. And since I have a loan on my car I cannot get another loan. Again, I can’t get help although I need it. And I never asked for help ever in my life so this feels extra frustrating.
I just don’t know what to do.
I want to be happy again.

I hate my life and myself so much for having been so careless about myself. I cannot understand it all anymore. Now I need to sleep but I can’t and I wished I would just wake up in a different world with all my sorrow taken away. I so so hate it to be me. I suck.

An End to You, Bulimia…

I’m seriously on my knees begging her to finally leave me.
My jaw hurts incredibly much, my teeth even more – I’m scared I’ll lose them sooner than later – my face is swollen, I have muscle ache all over my face, my lips are chapped, my right ring finger hurts from the scratches and cuts my upper teeth left behind, my fingernails on my right hand are all split and short, my shoulders are tense, I’m constipated, I feel bloated, have a headache, my temples pulsing… in danger and alone. Just so scared.
I binged and purged more than 6 hours last night. I cannot believe it. The mess I had to clean up this morning was overwhelming, and reminded me on my emotional hardship.
I looked at my phone – I remember how I tried to call Daniel after the first binge/purge. He did not answer the phone. I cried. I screamed into my pillow. I thought I could make it anyway. But I could not stop myself. I went on and on until I was so tired that I could barely throw up anymore. I ate my roommates food. I can’t believe what I have done. And I am so disappointed.
In group we were talking about how we need to rely on our support system, but I just had to realize under a lot of pain, that I don’t have such a system. I am alone. And now, that I have decided to speak, no one listens. It is so hard on me to realize that. All I needed last night was someone to talk to. But I did not have anyone. usually I would not even have dared to actually involve someone when I was about or in the midst of where I was last night. I never did because I was scared that if I would do that, I would not be supported. And this fear actually got approved.
I feel so stupid for having reached out for help for I know how selfish it was to call someone for help.
Last night was bad.
I felt like I was going to be dead. I ate so much at the first binge that I felt like my stomach would tear into pieces and I would kill myself from the inside. Seriously, I felt like I was eating myself to death. This was scary. I was scared. It was not funny at all.
When is she finally going to leave me?
Please.
Get lost.
Leave me alone.

God, I miss him

I just miss him so much in my life.
It felt so good to see him at first.
I wondered though if he reads my blogs. I don’t think so, but sometimes he says things, that I have been thinking about in here and I wonder, does he say it because he read it on here or does he say it because he jsut thought the same.
However, I got really mad at him today, I told him I was lonely, and that I soimetimes need someone to talk to when I am really needy. And he tells me to call a support hotline. What the fuck. First, I don’t want to call a fucking support hotline. I don’t waste money on that. second, that is not what I need. I don’t just need to talk. I need to talk to someone who knows me and cares because of me. Some anonymous situation on the phone is ridiculous, I could get in touch with people on BulimihaHelp or whatever instead and it would be better. But a fucking hotline? It’s not helpful at all. my life is too complicated to tell someone on the phone. If I am needy, in times I am really down, I don’t need someone to tell everything, I just need someone who can hold me and reassure me that I belong on this planet, that not all is wasted. I am not asking for pity. I am just asking for direct and immediate support. And I don’t want to bother him, for he knows how much I miss him… It just is so hard to forget about him. And I really try. I even just try to find another guy to hang out with but it does not work… I trust him so much. It is ridiculous.
And all the things he says are the things I tell myself and yet I cannot incorporate it.

I want to be myself again….

I had to leave fast … I got so upset… I did not want to vent out on him, so I decided it would be better to leave soon. And as soon as I had turned the car around I started crying and I had really bad suicidal thoughts. I hit the road towards Mount Bonnell. I got there and sat on the cliffs. Crying. I sent him a message and we messaged a little back and forth. I cried and cried. and it was good I went there, also I was seriously thinking about jumping down. So scary to think about that now… I mean, I was so emotionally unstable in those moments. But I was stronger. I di not. I am home now typing this. And I feel so ripped up. I feel so split in a half. The one half wants the other half back and be one real perosn the other half is scared of the work and the pain.
And that side is stronger most times.
I am so scared.

Accepting my emotions

Ok, so trying to push the negative thoughts away is not a good idea… that’s what Paula said. So, I have to accept them, I have to in a way acknowledge their existence but at the same time try to move on, that is I need to be able to separate myself from them. I wonder how that would be like…
I feel down, devastated, depressed… I should have asked her. What does it mean in practice? Should I cry? Should I tell myself “I see and feel it’s there, but I will not cry? Should I focus on the things I need to do, or would that mean I am pushing it aside?
I am a bit confused about it. Although I understand what she means by accepting it and allowing those feelings. It seems difficult to do.

We talked about so many issues today. Well, I had my mind all over the place, and my impatience is just going up and down the wall, it is insane.

I told her, how I was doing pretty well today and that it might be because I am seeing Daniel today. He is the only one I can talk to. He is supportive in doing nothing, but listening. He simply does not try to fix me, but tell me that I will be fine. I would be lost without him. Because I have no one comparably wonderful in my life. Even though he is not really there, and I really miss him physically, I think it won’t harm me to see him. I’m verifying this because Paula kept asking me how I felt about it, why I wanted to see him, if it really is a good idea. She would cover her face with her hands, what I wasn’t really sure how to read. And I probably should not interpret EVERYTHING. However, she asked for my strategy (I guess, meaning other motifs behind my intention to see him) but this brought us somehow to my mom… like how she is a self-named therapist (having studied Psychology a little and reading psych stuff all the time she may even be eligible for the title…
So, my mom for example would just try to therapy me and fix me. It’s not her duty and I don’t want her to anyway. Although I almost told her about what I am going through… I keep telling people about it, it is ridiculous, because I really have to be careful who I can trust. And there are not many people that deserve to be trusted anyway.
So, Daniel, is just there, and that’s where the circle ends. I mean, he is what I need in terms of support. That I wished there was more than that is another issue. And I will follow Daniel’s rule of not talking about us – at least I will try… I guess. Ha, Paula also said what we would talk about or if we would actually talk if I was doing ok. Would we meet? Would we talk about music, films etc? I said I think we would, but just now I think… No. Probably not and that would be really sad. But that is probably the whole point…

Paula also asked in that context who else I have in my life. Which I answered with “my cat”. But extended it with some good will to my new roommate (while we still have to get to know each other), my departmental friends and people in Germany, who I don’t want to share private issues with simply because it would just make it worse for them to understand. Long distance support is not a good idea right now.

I also told her how I am passionate about teaching, not the work around it, but that I can zone in to my teaching perfectly, I will not think about what really concerns me. I will do my thing, I want to give them a good experience learning and do my best at it. While I am always very self-critical.

Oh and I will start taking medication. I have made my mind up about that and I will at least try. I think it can speed things up and really help my depression. I don’t want to gain weight through it though, and become indifferent and emotionally numb. These are my top 3 concerns about it.
Nonetheless, I agree with Paula, that my life is just way too complicated especially on the interpersonal level that a little help chemically could be of success.
However, my body image and weight issues are still very severe I believe.
I just made myself eat a slice of bread with tomato-cottage cheese-onion “spread”… I feel bad about it, because I had a piece of coffee cake with my soy chai at Starbucks this morning… so in addition to my apple juice I am already over half of what I allow myself. In fact, there is this post from a stupid blog on my mind… I have been scanning it the other day it was written by an “ex-anorexic” BUT she did not seem to be a ex-anorexic at all. It made me mad. She would be posting about how bad she has been doing with food. Like she would allow herself only 400kcal a day and that day she must have expanded it to 500 and she could not deal with it. Something like that. Anyway, it makes me think about how my allowance is 3times as much at the most and how fat I must be if I ate 3 times as much as an ex anorexic. I mean, I can figure out myself that she obviously is not recovered yet but that is what makes me mad. Don’t lie to others and especially, please don’t lie to yourself. You are harming yourself and others who really try and want to get back on track…
I don’t know why I brought this up now, but I needed to vent on this, I suppose.

Back to Paula: we talked briefly about body image and body image distortion. I need to ask Amanda about a study which must have been done among people with an eating disorder, in which they are asked to compare themselves to silhouttes, that is pick the silhouette that matches your own body type. What happened? Of course the matching was inappropriate. I wonder how that can be. I really see myself and I see myself on pictures. I mean.. hello? I don’t get it.
Then she told me about someone from UT who does research in educational psychology. Kristin Neff specializes in self-compassion studies I assume. I am reading her article from January when she was awarded a grant from UT. Anyway, I will see how helpful that is.

Ok, at any rate, I am doing pretty good today, run some errands and then meet Daniel.

🙂