Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

Can it get any worse??

Seriously? Can it? I don’t know.
Isn’t it enough that I have to worry about my health, academic standing, finances and recovery?
Now it is getting even better. So, I was unable to have breakfast because I had to fast to get my blood tested, and it took longer than I thought so I had to run to class right after I was done – so no time for breakfast. I had lunch at 11- a salad and flat bread as well as a coffee, but am starving since 3 already. So, I had planned out what I would eat, but then they did not have it. At both Starbucks’ on Campus they were out of Bananas. But since I cannot spend money on food anymore I wanted to use that free coupon that was only valid until today. So, lucky me, no dinner. Because if I set my meals, I need to stick to it, in order to be able to eat it. So now I am trying to think about something else that would serve all the food groups. I didn’t bring much money though, so I can pretty much not get anything good. And I won’t be home before 10… IT SUCKS.
But this is not as bad as it can get for today. I worked without a break and still need to catch up on a lot.
Duties – so I will.

But, I went to pay October rent and they told me that I have to get rid of my cat.
Are you fucking kidding me?
My cat?

This life sucks big time at the moment, and I just started to reapply indifference. I really started telling myself again that I am fine, that I am not doing so bad, that I don’t need treatment and that I can make it. Planning my meals, the will to stick to it etc… I thought I would be fine and capable to do it on my own. I thought I found that strength within me again, but I guess I am totally off.

It is getting worse with every breath I take. It makes no sense at all to be me. I serve no purpose and I have no goal, nor do I have anyone who cares or who I could care for.

Accepting my emotions

Ok, so trying to push the negative thoughts away is not a good idea… that’s what Paula said. So, I have to accept them, I have to in a way acknowledge their existence but at the same time try to move on, that is I need to be able to separate myself from them. I wonder how that would be like…
I feel down, devastated, depressed… I should have asked her. What does it mean in practice? Should I cry? Should I tell myself “I see and feel it’s there, but I will not cry? Should I focus on the things I need to do, or would that mean I am pushing it aside?
I am a bit confused about it. Although I understand what she means by accepting it and allowing those feelings. It seems difficult to do.

We talked about so many issues today. Well, I had my mind all over the place, and my impatience is just going up and down the wall, it is insane.

I told her, how I was doing pretty well today and that it might be because I am seeing Daniel today. He is the only one I can talk to. He is supportive in doing nothing, but listening. He simply does not try to fix me, but tell me that I will be fine. I would be lost without him. Because I have no one comparably wonderful in my life. Even though he is not really there, and I really miss him physically, I think it won’t harm me to see him. I’m verifying this because Paula kept asking me how I felt about it, why I wanted to see him, if it really is a good idea. She would cover her face with her hands, what I wasn’t really sure how to read. And I probably should not interpret EVERYTHING. However, she asked for my strategy (I guess, meaning other motifs behind my intention to see him) but this brought us somehow to my mom… like how she is a self-named therapist (having studied Psychology a little and reading psych stuff all the time she may even be eligible for the title…
So, my mom for example would just try to therapy me and fix me. It’s not her duty and I don’t want her to anyway. Although I almost told her about what I am going through… I keep telling people about it, it is ridiculous, because I really have to be careful who I can trust. And there are not many people that deserve to be trusted anyway.
So, Daniel, is just there, and that’s where the circle ends. I mean, he is what I need in terms of support. That I wished there was more than that is another issue. And I will follow Daniel’s rule of not talking about us – at least I will try… I guess. Ha, Paula also said what we would talk about or if we would actually talk if I was doing ok. Would we meet? Would we talk about music, films etc? I said I think we would, but just now I think… No. Probably not and that would be really sad. But that is probably the whole point…

Paula also asked in that context who else I have in my life. Which I answered with “my cat”. But extended it with some good will to my new roommate (while we still have to get to know each other), my departmental friends and people in Germany, who I don’t want to share private issues with simply because it would just make it worse for them to understand. Long distance support is not a good idea right now.

I also told her how I am passionate about teaching, not the work around it, but that I can zone in to my teaching perfectly, I will not think about what really concerns me. I will do my thing, I want to give them a good experience learning and do my best at it. While I am always very self-critical.

Oh and I will start taking medication. I have made my mind up about that and I will at least try. I think it can speed things up and really help my depression. I don’t want to gain weight through it though, and become indifferent and emotionally numb. These are my top 3 concerns about it.
Nonetheless, I agree with Paula, that my life is just way too complicated especially on the interpersonal level that a little help chemically could be of success.
However, my body image and weight issues are still very severe I believe.
I just made myself eat a slice of bread with tomato-cottage cheese-onion “spread”… I feel bad about it, because I had a piece of coffee cake with my soy chai at Starbucks this morning… so in addition to my apple juice I am already over half of what I allow myself. In fact, there is this post from a stupid blog on my mind… I have been scanning it the other day it was written by an “ex-anorexic” BUT she did not seem to be a ex-anorexic at all. It made me mad. She would be posting about how bad she has been doing with food. Like she would allow herself only 400kcal a day and that day she must have expanded it to 500 and she could not deal with it. Something like that. Anyway, it makes me think about how my allowance is 3times as much at the most and how fat I must be if I ate 3 times as much as an ex anorexic. I mean, I can figure out myself that she obviously is not recovered yet but that is what makes me mad. Don’t lie to others and especially, please don’t lie to yourself. You are harming yourself and others who really try and want to get back on track…
I don’t know why I brought this up now, but I needed to vent on this, I suppose.

Back to Paula: we talked briefly about body image and body image distortion. I need to ask Amanda about a study which must have been done among people with an eating disorder, in which they are asked to compare themselves to silhouttes, that is pick the silhouette that matches your own body type. What happened? Of course the matching was inappropriate. I wonder how that can be. I really see myself and I see myself on pictures. I mean.. hello? I don’t get it.
Then she told me about someone from UT who does research in educational psychology. Kristin Neff specializes in self-compassion studies I assume. I am reading her article from January when she was awarded a grant from UT. Anyway, I will see how helpful that is.

Ok, at any rate, I am doing pretty good today, run some errands and then meet Daniel.

🙂

Something out of life

I took my cat for a walk the first time in his life.
I think it really made him happy and we will certainly go again, cause this really made me happy, too 🙂

alf on the leash

What I truly desire, lies within the secret of who I really am.

Who am I? This question is going through my head daily. Sometimes, I am able to push it aside. Sometimes I am just not. Today I think I should face it.
I cannot concentrate on my working tasks – I know I need to, and I will later, but I think maybe just in this very moment I need to focus on myself. Again.

So, I tried to think back on situations in my life in which I seem to have known myself and what I wanted.
Very difficult.
I remember that when I was 3 or 4 and competed in my first skiing races, I was devasted if I did not win a medal. I really was, although I just started skiing. But I lost and I thought I was actually a good skier. So, I envied those who won. They were all older and bigger than me, but all that mattered to me was: I lost. I can’t remember if my Dad at that time put pressure on me. I don’t think so. May have though. At any rate, when I was 13 I finally won first prize and I was proud, although my brother was putting me down in saying I was the oldest who competed, so it is not really a success. He was jealous a lot I suppose. I mean, he always pinched me or slapped me, and I always ran away from him, hiding in my “cave” or even in my closet. He must have had a lot of anger inside him when we were young and I don’t blame him at all. I sometimes wonder if he has come to terms with our parent’s divorce and the way Dad in a way rejected us. He had his own new family and we had to struggle daily.
Anyway, so I was born a perfectionist I believe, but I was never the best in anything.
Well, I was able to read when I was 4, but who cares? I mean once I entered Elementary school, I might have been ahead of some but I mean, they all picked it up fast. I was a good student. But I got very depressed if I was not as good as someone else. I always compared myself. I gave up quickly, too. I am not a fighter but I always wanted to be.

I always had such high expactations and at the same time high moral views and values. I also believed that I can accomplish anything I wanted, but for some reason I failed most of the time. I stumbled and fell. Every day.

When I was still in elementray school I believed in friendship. But I lost my best friends so easily to others who seemed to be so much better than me. I mean I was the one whose parents were divorced. I could never count on my dad. I had this big brother who would put me down and punch me if I did not do what he said. I could not do all the same things my friends did because I had to do hat my mom said, and we did not have the money for all the things other kids could have and do..
I have many friends today, but noone is like really close to me. Well, at least not in the sense that they REALLY know me. They know the person I presented to them: Funny, sarcastic, outgoing, direct, stubborn, sensitive, moral, sweet, courageous, smart, just living life. BUT, I am not. I don’t believe that is me. Maybe that is the only problem: I don’t believe in myself and if I walk through the streets alone, I am small, I want to disappear. At the same time if I walk through the streets with a friend, I know I am minor, too, although I wished I was ‘the better’ one. My friends would never think I would think that way… It’s just so ridiculous… over the time I have managed to master in my behaviors. I would be the one, bringing people together laying emphasis on the idea of LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, bound to teach tolerance, acceptance, individuality, while I myself felt like a failure constantly.

Another thing I always held on to for example was the idea of true love. I am kind of disenchanted with this belief today. Now that I have made painful experiences myself, but I always believed in the power of genuine love. It just never reached my ideal conception. And I am scared love as I believe in it does not exist or that I cannot receive it that way. And it is making me so angry, because I feel like there is so much love inside of me and I want to share it. But I feel like I have wasted it most of the time. I feel like I have made naive choices in the past. I regret so many steps I took to find that love. It has only been painful. Rejection, disappointment, abuse… all not contributing to my illusion of love. And all I want is feel it, I want to know how it is like to truly be loved and love that person back. Of course, I know my mom loves me and I love her, but I mean to find that special someone.
I cannot understand why I fail all the time.
Why do I scare people?
Why do I get scared myself?
Why does my heart tell me lies, why does it lead me into misery all the time?
All I want is to be happy.

I always thought just because I have not been deported from my country of origin, have not lived in diaspora, or was moved around in the early years of my life, that I knew who I am or better that I have to know who I am. I have never experienced anything traumatic myself, well, my parent’s divorce and the fact that I have been taken advantage of from several guys sexually, but if that already wrecks me where is my life going then anyway?
I know the world is a bad, cruel and unfair place, but I was fortunate enough to have the life I am in right now. I am not starving (I chose to or binge), I am not poor (but always spend my money right away), I have a job, a place to live, a car, a cat, friends, family… I should be happy.

But I guess the secret of who I am and what I really desire lies inside of me.