Doubts and speculations…

Koupani - E. Tomek

Ok, now, I started the day again with my 6K run. It was a good run but I also had a lot of things going on in my head.
Like, should I tell my friend (who called me last night to verify the time to pick her up on my run). I told her on the phone that I watched a documentary on eating disorders. She asked rhetorically “But you don’t have one, do you?” I waited two or three seconds before I said “No.” She did not ask anything about it today. Although I was thinking, if she would maybe I would tell her. She asked if I wanted to come for breakfast, but I rejected.
In any case, I am eating breakfast just now although I am not really hungry. A banana and oatmeal can’t be a bad idea though. I wished I knew how much I weigh though.

I have a little trouble keep finiding myself today. I don’t know but there are these thoughts and doubts and speculations.
I had a dream last night. And I have no clue what to make out of it. I think it is because “he” had mentioned it a few times. Like he said or asked me if I ever considered having sex with a girl or basically being intimate with one. Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post I have thought about it, just like probably every woman has at one point in their life… but last night I had a real’ cool dream but it is kind of puzzling for me now that I remember it. I am not sure. I guess I like the idea of it but I think I would still need a man around, too. Really weird. I mean even in the last couple of weeks I have been looking at women sort of differently and sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch a woman or kiss her I guess.
In any way, I don’t think it could be mind blowing for me but maybe this is something I also need to find out on the journey to myself. In any way I would not know how.
I mean also in our society being gay as a guy seems quite acceptable but being lesbian or even bi as a woman is a taboo. I am not sure, and I do not want to be conform. But here, I am just talking about trying things out I guess anyway, I really like what men can give me – at least I did when I was with him.

Anyway, he was here yesterday but I am not sure anymore why. I thought he wanted to simply show me that he is there for me but I mean, really??
I hope that’s his intention, but it also felt like he was just trying to find answers on how to help his sisters. This might be wrong to say but I have these self-doubts. Why would someone want to be there for me and listen anyway? I’m sick. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t need pity.

I feel a little lost in my thoughts today and I hope I can win back this energy I had the last days.

I will go run errands now and when I come back I will work. Simply keeping myself busy. That should help.

Maybe I will start painting.