I am happy

I am happy, yes. But am I happy because I am drunk. Well, I am not drunk. I had four glasses of beer. And I did not binge. Yay! I don’t know, but what I know is today is a weird day. I worked. I got something done, of course not enough and I emailed my draft to my professor, but she had some things to correct. Which is good on some part, but I want to be perfect from the start. That is what is killing me though.
I had a great night last night. I purged all day and was not feeling like going to an engagement party where more food was waiting, but I did go, and I did eat, and drink and after we went out dancing and I had a blast. I had a great evening, because I forgot about myself. But I think I did because I got drunk. I have a problem with alcohol. I have a problem wit everything that helps me survive. I am addicted to my love for D. I am addicted to alcohol, I am addicted to food (and now no food).
I have problems, but I am not crazy. I am ill. Not sick.
I emailed D. And I regret everything half way. I don’t think he understands. I need to forget about him in terms of still holding on to the idea that him and I will maybe one day be back together. This is so illusionist. I wished I was strong. I am so weak.

Let’s change the topic.

So I had a great night. I flirted with handsome men, but none were interesting. I danced like a dancer and forgot the world around me. I enjoyed being me. I had a good time. I don’t know why. I guess it was the alcohol… and that is sad…
But I don’t want to think about it.

In fact, I feel like I am making a new friend. I met a German girl who is (thank god) not from the Department. She is an art student. My age. Sweet. BUT very skinny. I compare myself to her and the waitress tonight asked if we were related, because she found, that we looked alike. I took that as a compliment, because she is so skinny, and pretty and sweet and so sincere and so open and I just wished I had her life. But although I hit on the issue of her being skinny, she admitted she did not eat very much, I got really jealous, because it seems like she really just enjoys food and is very selective. she loves beer, too. We have a lot in common and I just hope we can become very good friends, but at the same time I am scared, that because of this hope I will put myself under a lot of pressure. I really feel like I need a platonic girlfriend. Someone who lives here.
She is great. I hope I can make it work. I am just scared, that she could be leaving soon. This is why I never invest in friendships, because it always seems limited. And if I do nonetheless I will get rejected… Ah… this is so hard.

I just don’t know anything about relationships… at least not about relationships that can work or on the magic of making them work.

It’s a hard life I am living.

Doubts and speculations…

Koupani - E. Tomek

Ok, now, I started the day again with my 6K run. It was a good run but I also had a lot of things going on in my head.
Like, should I tell my friend (who called me last night to verify the time to pick her up on my run). I told her on the phone that I watched a documentary on eating disorders. She asked rhetorically “But you don’t have one, do you?” I waited two or three seconds before I said “No.” She did not ask anything about it today. Although I was thinking, if she would maybe I would tell her. She asked if I wanted to come for breakfast, but I rejected.
In any case, I am eating breakfast just now although I am not really hungry. A banana and oatmeal can’t be a bad idea though. I wished I knew how much I weigh though.

I have a little trouble keep finiding myself today. I don’t know but there are these thoughts and doubts and speculations.
I had a dream last night. And I have no clue what to make out of it. I think it is because “he” had mentioned it a few times. Like he said or asked me if I ever considered having sex with a girl or basically being intimate with one. Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post I have thought about it, just like probably every woman has at one point in their life… but last night I had a real’ cool dream but it is kind of puzzling for me now that I remember it. I am not sure. I guess I like the idea of it but I think I would still need a man around, too. Really weird. I mean even in the last couple of weeks I have been looking at women sort of differently and sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch a woman or kiss her I guess.
In any way, I don’t think it could be mind blowing for me but maybe this is something I also need to find out on the journey to myself. In any way I would not know how.
I mean also in our society being gay as a guy seems quite acceptable but being lesbian or even bi as a woman is a taboo. I am not sure, and I do not want to be conform. But here, I am just talking about trying things out I guess anyway, I really like what men can give me – at least I did when I was with him.

Anyway, he was here yesterday but I am not sure anymore why. I thought he wanted to simply show me that he is there for me but I mean, really??
I hope that’s his intention, but it also felt like he was just trying to find answers on how to help his sisters. This might be wrong to say but I have these self-doubts. Why would someone want to be there for me and listen anyway? I’m sick. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t need pity.

I feel a little lost in my thoughts today and I hope I can win back this energy I had the last days.

I will go run errands now and when I come back I will work. Simply keeping myself busy. That should help.

Maybe I will start painting.

Who am I?!

I used to have a bunch of hobbies when I was younger. I was excellent in gymnastics, in swimming, in horseback riding, played the violine very well, engaged in church and social activities. I loved christmas time and baking with my mom… I played lovestories with Barbie and Ken and fought knights tales with playmobil . I loved the outdoors. I would collect spiders and butterflies, I would get dirty and break my hand, I would play with ants (although I think I was pretty cruel… I wrapped them up in chewing gum (their spaceship) and threw them in water (the orbit) and after a while would take them out, unwrap and see which one would still be alive….). I was a successful skier and won some junior cups. But I always wanted to be perfect and the best in everything. And I wanted to be liked and loved. But I was and probably never will be perfect enough.

I guess, I need a new hobby. I was thinking about painting again or being creative in any way. The running and exercising schedule is already good but I need something to fight the evenings and nights.
When I had a boyfriend, I could just spend time with him. But I don’t and I start to believe that women would be the better men. Seriously? It never really crossed my mind too much, well it always has, but I guess it would have always spoken against “my ideals” men are for women women are for men. I don’t mind gay people at all and I have kissed a girl before, but I don’t know, I think maybe a woman can give a woman something a man can’t? I don’t know and maybe I am wrong, but maybe I have just not yet found myself.