Bulimics United

What does Bulimia feel like for you right in this very moment?

Bulimia is powerful and painful. She has taken over for a moment. She seem invincible and ignorant of my emotions. She is evil and destructive. I hate her, but she has become a part of me, so that I even hate myself. She scares me sometimes more than life.

Two incentives that WILL help you overcome this:

1. Finding inner peace with myself
2. Being able to live and help others

Please, all the Bulimics (and other ED-victims) add a comment saying what comes to your mind when you think about your ED! Then add two incentives that WILL help you!!! We all have something that drives us. Look inside you. I want people to engage in this so that we can show each other how we feel and learn from one another at the same time, while broadening awareness on the severity of EDs.

Thanks!!

Feeling strangely good and powerful!

… at this moment, I can say that.
Mood swings perhaps.
Sometimes I really don’t know who is talking out of me.
Bulimia’s voice is usually very loud, demanding and strong.
When I read through my earlier post of today I can feel the pain. I start to get used to it. I am not bingeing, I am not purging. I am just sitting here, being sad about it. Sitting here, thinking about how to overcome this. I cannot find a plausible way to do so, because deep inside me there is this spark of hope and I fear that this spark is what is making me feel good.
Life is tough.
But all I want is to be happy.
And tonight I will not let Bulimia put me down. I have been sad enough today, I will go to bed now, fighting the uprising urge to purge and sleep instead. Get some rest and start a new day. 4th day in a row of no b/p and in fact of structured eating, one of the well-known enemies I have to make friends with on my journey.
I need to get my fighting spirit back.
I will cut out Bulimia – out of my body, out of my mind, out of everything. She will always be a part of my life but not a part of me anymore.

Everyone who is struggling, keep the faith in your chivalrous self!!! We are secret knights fighting the beast that’s controlling us. We will win and take over control.
We are stronger. Even stronger than we would have ever thought!

At the psychologist

I went to see Paula this morning and it was a good session… just extremely overwhelming.
And I took another step today: I talked to my “boss”. She was very understanding and I am glad she knows. She is great and I promised that my job will not suffer from this – in fact, work is the only thing I can still rely on and hold on to as well as pull myself out with from the real world around me.

At any rate. The session was basically about my family history or better my mom’s and grandparents family history.
Another issue we hit was me and my trust issues esp. with men which then connected to my past and my relation to my dad.
I guess my life has been stressful ever since I was born. Traumatic she called it. And I guess, I have just never talked to anyone about it really.

She talked to me about my self-confidence (which is at the moment not really existing) and we also leveled out, that I’m living in these two worlds.

There was so much, and I wished I could jsut write it all down, but I guess I need a while to let it sink in myself and maybe it organizes itself a bit and I will post on it later in more detail.
Gosh there is just so much.
I will need to reread my blog and make an analysis of the patterns I can find….

Also, I will go and weigh myself today. I’m very very scared, but I need to, because yesterday the not-knowing was one of the factors to push me to the b/p.

I wanna get better soon!

Maybe I need more than one session with Paula each week to speed it up. I will ask her about it.
Also, Amanda was saying something like she will not be able to see me any longer and I should find a nutritionist in the community. But I am just not sure…
I know when it’s about my health money should not matter, but if you don’t have that money it does matter and seeing Paula is not cheap already.

I need to find myself though.
I am so lost.

Doubts and speculations…

Koupani - E. Tomek

Ok, now, I started the day again with my 6K run. It was a good run but I also had a lot of things going on in my head.
Like, should I tell my friend (who called me last night to verify the time to pick her up on my run). I told her on the phone that I watched a documentary on eating disorders. She asked rhetorically “But you don’t have one, do you?” I waited two or three seconds before I said “No.” She did not ask anything about it today. Although I was thinking, if she would maybe I would tell her. She asked if I wanted to come for breakfast, but I rejected.
In any case, I am eating breakfast just now although I am not really hungry. A banana and oatmeal can’t be a bad idea though. I wished I knew how much I weigh though.

I have a little trouble keep finiding myself today. I don’t know but there are these thoughts and doubts and speculations.
I had a dream last night. And I have no clue what to make out of it. I think it is because “he” had mentioned it a few times. Like he said or asked me if I ever considered having sex with a girl or basically being intimate with one. Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post I have thought about it, just like probably every woman has at one point in their life… but last night I had a real’ cool dream but it is kind of puzzling for me now that I remember it. I am not sure. I guess I like the idea of it but I think I would still need a man around, too. Really weird. I mean even in the last couple of weeks I have been looking at women sort of differently and sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch a woman or kiss her I guess.
In any way, I don’t think it could be mind blowing for me but maybe this is something I also need to find out on the journey to myself. In any way I would not know how.
I mean also in our society being gay as a guy seems quite acceptable but being lesbian or even bi as a woman is a taboo. I am not sure, and I do not want to be conform. But here, I am just talking about trying things out I guess anyway, I really like what men can give me – at least I did when I was with him.

Anyway, he was here yesterday but I am not sure anymore why. I thought he wanted to simply show me that he is there for me but I mean, really??
I hope that’s his intention, but it also felt like he was just trying to find answers on how to help his sisters. This might be wrong to say but I have these self-doubts. Why would someone want to be there for me and listen anyway? I’m sick. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t need pity.

I feel a little lost in my thoughts today and I hope I can win back this energy I had the last days.

I will go run errands now and when I come back I will work. Simply keeping myself busy. That should help.

Maybe I will start painting.