Hello, Me! #1

Hello world, this is Me!

At least I am on my way to separate from her (Bulimia) and I’m cutting her out to find my true self.
I gave you a chance to look inside of me in my posts on this blog. I did not leave out the negative days on which I was devastated, binged my pain away and purged my heart out, and yet I will finally try to focus more on my positive side. I can be sad if I want to, yes, but I want to prove myself and the world that there is more to me than this sensitive, emotional and breakable self that relies so much on self-pity, self-rejection, self-hate and self-destruction, that she (Bulimia) has created. She created this self in order to protect my true self, I am sure, but she has taken it to far. I don’t need to be protected from the real world. Not anymore. Yes, that is what the true Me was scared of: the world. Because Me didn’t know what part she is playing in it, Me doesn’t know why she is here, why she is who she is and what makes her real. But eventually I will figure this out.

I had a date yesterday. I don’t want this guy and I told him. However, we still went to see a movie. It was so awkward. Not because I had told him that I did not want to date him and not because I told him again how I miss my ex boyfriend but it was simply awkward inside of me. I was sitting next to him and my mind took off.
If I could have talked to myself it would have sounded like this:

Me: What am I doing here? I don’t want to be here.
Inner Voice: Where, here? You can get up and leave.
Me: I could, but I don’t even know where I should go. What I should do?
Inner Voice: You are lost.
Me: I am.
Inner voice: You could go home and eat, and feel good.
Me: No, that is not why I am feeling bad. I don’t know where I belong. Do I really want to be here? What am I doing? Where is this leading?
Inner voice: You just have to be perfect, finish your work and you will succeed.
Me: I am trying, but I feel like I will lose. I’ve always lost in my life. But all I want is to be happy.

… it went on and on. Then after the movie I started thinking again about if I consider myself happy in this society or in Germany. And it is so strange to think about this. I miss Germany, the country, Europe, the people, my friends, family, but I love America, too. And I never really have a perfect time while I am in Germany. It is so unreal, but when I am here I want to escape to Germany and when I am in Germany I long to be back in the States.
… only when I am in the mountains I feel whole. And it doesn’t matter where the mountains are. I just need to be surrounded by nature’s mightiest power. I feel safe. I need to go back tot he mountains. I need to escape.

It’s all about Heimat. I mean, in defintion my Heimat is Germany. The place where I was born and raised, but I have made so many painful and in a way traumatic experiences there, that I probably felt like escaping that world. Try to find my very own Heimat.
Home is where your heart is, I guess. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to figure it out.
Maybe that is why I am seeking to find true love so badly? Because if my heart would know where it belongs, it would not matter to me anymore where I was.
Only then, I feel and fear, I would know where I belong.

But, I wished, I was selfish enough as to say that I want to be happy for myself in first place. I want to be happy with the choices I make for myself, and I want to be free and independent in the things I do.
I saw that in Daniel. I admired him for the way he is, and I told him that. For me, I told him, he is perfect. Even though I realized now that perfection is nothing I should strive for. Or is it?
Well, not as long as it is hindering you to be who you are.
And my perfectionism is part of what she had created.
Yet I am a little confused by the term p e r f e c t i o n i s m … I mean, it sounds so positive, so light and so powerful, but all it has done to me is f a i l u r e.
How is that possible? It is messed up, just like my life.

I feel finding Me is not as easy.
I am afraid of Me.
I scared of the way to Me.

How shall I approach this? I wished there was a manual. Like a 10-step booklet or so. I would die to have it.

Heartbroken

“This is very painful”. Is what my psychologist said a lot today. I don’t know. I mean I know it is. My life is a pain in the butt. Has always been like that. Although I remember that when I was younger (I don’t exactly remember when that was) but I remember that I was thinking at some point in my life that I can be very grateful to be me. I must have been comparing myself to someone who was even more miserable than me.
Anyways, today we mainly talked about Daniel and the break-up, although I originally wanted to talk about something else. But maybe it was good it went this direction.
But it is making me feel miserable right now. I want to forget about him (although I don’t really want to, I better say I need to).
She asked me again what it was that I liked about him.
It’s not his physical appearance, well, this came along with it later and now I think he is the most attractive guy I have ever met in my life. Anyway, we did not talk much about attraction and also did not touch the issue of sexuality, which I was thinking about bringing up. For some reason though I didn’t. Maybe I still need to establish more trust to her. I am scared about how open I already am. I don’t want anybody to know me really. I feel ashamed about my life and my feelings.

Alright, so what is it that I liked about him. At first it was kind of difficult for me to put into words, what exactly it is, because who needs reasons to like someone? For me he is just very special. He was the one initiating everything that was there between us.
(This is what I wrote down in my diary that one day before I met him again to talk:

“This pain is so bad. My soul is crying rivers for I have lost you. I feel like a failure. I’m so hurt and it’s killing me… I wished I never met you and I wished I never let you in my life.
You were the one talking to me on the bus.
You asked me for my name, for my number.
You called me that same night.
You fascinated me by the way you are.
You let me glimpse into your life.
You kissed me that same, second night.
You blew my mind away.
You made love to me.
You called me again.
You wanted to spend time with me.
You let me room for myself.
You introduced me to your friends.
You came with me to meet my friends.
You made love to me again.
You helped me lose my fear.
You helped me let go.

And for all that I never even asked for.
I was happy I met you.

You said I was beautiful.
You said I was perfect.
You said you liked me.
You said you’ll wait for me in the summer.
You said you miss me.

You asked me to call.
You asked me to email.

You made me happy when you talked to me.
You made me happy with every little message.
You made me feel special.

So I told you about myself. My struggles with sexuality and my body.
You listened to my fears.
You would tell me about your life and I was fascinated even more.
You seemed to care.
I thought it was right to have trusted you.

You called me in the middle of the night.
You asked me to visit you in Sweden.
You called me beautiful again.
You called me perfect again.
You were drunk.
You had forgotten your words the next day.

I was disappointed.
I was hurt.
Was it all a lie?
I got scared.

From there it turned around.
I would pressure you.
But I would sabbotage you.
I was not myself anymore.

So then…

You would not call anymore.
You would not talk to me anymore.
You would answer in one-line-responses only.
You would be bothered.

I would bother.
I would not be me.

You would tell me what you thought I was thinking.
You would tell me what you thought I wanted.
You would tell me what you thought I needed.
You would not listen to what I said anymore.
You would not care anymore.
You would not share your life with me anymore.

I had lost you.
I hated myself for knowing I have challenged this to happen.
I felt stupid for my own acts.
I was disappointed in myself.
I was hurt.
And I still am.
And I miss you in my life, although I wished you never entered it in first place, for now all what’s left is pain and guilt.”

That’s pretty much the story of Daniel and me.
The main thing is though, which makes it so hard for me to accept, that he does not want me, that I felt this connection between the two of us. Just now, when I think about him I feel this closeness to him and that’s what’s tearing my heart. That’s what is breaking it. I wished I could turn back time.
I don’t want to control him,and I don’t need much attention. But I did control him in scaring him away and I hate myself for doing so.

Okay, I will stop here,because it is depressing me. Also, I think I need to say a few words on how this has an impact on my ED.
In my earlier posts you already see that I said that this pain – this break-up – has caused me to be pushed back into Bulimia’s arms. And Paula actually agreed on that. She said, that this is one of the situations I would turn to bulimia. And yet I know she is right. I know it and I still end up in front of the toilet. I know stress, and especially emotional stress is causing me to turn to food. It soothes my pain. Even though I know… only temporarily. And that’s painful, too, because it makes me feel even worse after purging. But I would be obese if I would not purge and if I was obese… Well, actually if I was, I would have never met Daniel, I would not be where I am right now. I probably would have eaten myself to death.
Oh, my life is a mess.

Paula asked me how I see myself if I run into Daniel again, or how I want to see myself. Of course, I want to show him how strong I really am, and that I can live without him, but this is just this face I put on.
This is the face I always use. I pretty much use it to repress my feelings.
Today I did something very unusual.
I told my friend during the lunch break how that I still miss him.
But she does not understand. She does not know all the other factors that play in here, like my ED that he knows about and all that stuff connected to sexuality. So, it was not very helpful to talk to her, but at least I did?!

I just don’t want to accept that it is over, because it is so painful already.
And he has never said that he didn’t want me. He just said it was not a good idea to try it and that I needed to focus on myself. Why can’t he say directly that I am not what he wants and needs? Why does he have to push the responsibility of all this on to me? i
I’m going to go crazy on this thought.
I miss him so much.

Missing piece

I am in pain right now. I have been repressing this feeling a lot lately. I feel like I cannot deal with it anymore. It is not right. But I cannot help it. This pain I have only felt once before in my life. It’s that kind of pain of losing someone. Of losing someone your heart truly desires. Someone you feel like you cannot live without. It’s that kind of pain that you feel, when you are left. Left behind. Left alone. It’s aching. I want it to go away, but I can do whatever I want it just keeps coming back. It’s haunting me. But I try to run, I run fast… I learned to run away early. It’s a skill.
And I have done so good in the past not to let that happen to me again. But here we are. I can’t believe what I have done. I let someone get close to me and lost him. How can I learn to live with that? Please, tell me. I’m at my office and I’m crying. This is ridiculous. I am sitting here, crying, typing… should work. I was able to work at least for about 5 hours, but now it’s smashing into me, I’m breaking. And knowing this building he is around, too, a lot, does not really help it. I keep telling myself that all that matters is that he is happy, and that then I can be happy, too, but it is so difficult for me. I feel ridiculous for having these thoughts after knowing him just for such a short time. But that makes it even worse for me. I usually don’t have any feelings toward someone I barely know, and I usually don’t let anybody come close. But I let him. I did and scared him away with my bulimic self. (I separate my bulimic self drastically from who I really am, because without Bulimia I would not have done and would not be doing certain things in my life.) I believe he is the only one who really knows about me. I am not saying he knows who I am, because I don’t even know that, but he knows about my struggle. I wanted to find out everything about him, I wanted to listen, I wanted to simply be there for him whenever he needed someone. But this is not going to happen anymore. Thanks Bulimia, you are great! Mighty. Evil. I hate you. I hate how you have become a part of me. And I try so hard to leave you behind, I struggle so much to cut you out, but you are there. I am scared you have been for too long. Go find someone else to play with, you caused me enough pain and I know you still will, but I am very mad right now, because of you I lost every little missing piece that would make me whole again.

Did I have a date?

Well, I gess I did. I think.
But all I can think of is Daniel. I try so so so so hard to forget about him, but I can’t. I miss him so much and I wished I knew if he was ok. I know, he doesn’t want me, so I know I need to forget but I cannot.
I miss his eyes, his smile, his voice, the things he says, the way he is. It is so killing me.
And going out tonight, I thought was just “going out with a friend”.
But I don’t know why guys do that, but they always try to flirt and they don’t seem to realize when it’s not working.

I mean, I truly enjoyed the evening but I started it without wanting him in the end to try to kiss me. I don’t… didn’t, but I got scared. He is a good guy though, but still… am I just what people see on the outside?? I am so much more, at least I start to believe that….

and at least I did have a great evening, and no b/p session 🙂

Doubts and speculations…

Koupani - E. Tomek

Ok, now, I started the day again with my 6K run. It was a good run but I also had a lot of things going on in my head.
Like, should I tell my friend (who called me last night to verify the time to pick her up on my run). I told her on the phone that I watched a documentary on eating disorders. She asked rhetorically “But you don’t have one, do you?” I waited two or three seconds before I said “No.” She did not ask anything about it today. Although I was thinking, if she would maybe I would tell her. She asked if I wanted to come for breakfast, but I rejected.
In any case, I am eating breakfast just now although I am not really hungry. A banana and oatmeal can’t be a bad idea though. I wished I knew how much I weigh though.

I have a little trouble keep finiding myself today. I don’t know but there are these thoughts and doubts and speculations.
I had a dream last night. And I have no clue what to make out of it. I think it is because “he” had mentioned it a few times. Like he said or asked me if I ever considered having sex with a girl or basically being intimate with one. Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post I have thought about it, just like probably every woman has at one point in their life… but last night I had a real’ cool dream but it is kind of puzzling for me now that I remember it. I am not sure. I guess I like the idea of it but I think I would still need a man around, too. Really weird. I mean even in the last couple of weeks I have been looking at women sort of differently and sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch a woman or kiss her I guess.
In any way, I don’t think it could be mind blowing for me but maybe this is something I also need to find out on the journey to myself. In any way I would not know how.
I mean also in our society being gay as a guy seems quite acceptable but being lesbian or even bi as a woman is a taboo. I am not sure, and I do not want to be conform. But here, I am just talking about trying things out I guess anyway, I really like what men can give me – at least I did when I was with him.

Anyway, he was here yesterday but I am not sure anymore why. I thought he wanted to simply show me that he is there for me but I mean, really??
I hope that’s his intention, but it also felt like he was just trying to find answers on how to help his sisters. This might be wrong to say but I have these self-doubts. Why would someone want to be there for me and listen anyway? I’m sick. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t need pity.

I feel a little lost in my thoughts today and I hope I can win back this energy I had the last days.

I will go run errands now and when I come back I will work. Simply keeping myself busy. That should help.

Maybe I will start painting.