Getting better and better and better and feeling so high!

I feel wonderful!
I have no clue why. It must be the medication, but I don’t care, because I just don’t worry as much.
It’s probably the placebo effect, but I do not care at all. I will be fine. I really will and if I won’t I don’t care either. It cannot get worse from what it just was the last couple of months. Holy cow, if I look back, I feel sad in a way. I had such a horrible time. And why the hell do I care about a guy so much? A guy who is just lost himself? He cannot deal with people who suffer… I mean what is up with that? I learned to be there for people who are in need and I feel like it is a quality to do so and I am not necessarily talking about sacrificing yourself to the good of someone else but I am talking about genuine help that comes from the bottom of one’s heart. And everybody needs some kind of care. Those who think they don’t are truly lost souls in this cruel world. No one should be going through this place alone. I feel sorry for those who tried and yes, I perfectly qualify for that type myself, but realizing that it is a struggle that only results in pain makes me see how important solidarity is. Strong community with people you care about and that care about you is what counts in the end.

Anyway, enough “philosophical” ideas here.

I have not been exercising in a week which feels bad, but I will be fine.
I have eaten too much in a week which feels bad, but I will be fine.
I have drank too much in the evenings, but I will be fine.
I had a bad conversation with my advisor, but I will be fine.
Who cares?
etc etc etc
These were the two sides my therapist and I discussed today…
She said it must be really hard to have this internal back-and-forth going on.
It is, but it does help in a way not to obsess with the bad thoughts… but I understand her critique on how this can eventually backfire… and it does… but I have no clue how to deal with my disappointments, my discontentment, my unhappiness or even self renunciation in another way. I really don’t. I just feel like I have been dissatisfied enough. Enough at least, to waste more energy on it.
I was a bit confused after I left today and again I wished I could fully recall what we had discusses but it fades away too fast. It’s almost like I try not to further think about it. I could use my time with her way more efficient, but I am still very insecure and nervous and I had so many thoughts crossing my mind… especially when we got to the point where we talked about men in my life.
I think I even lied. I feel like I lie a lot to not sound miserable or to hide other things. Maybe I should mention those issues sometime?
I don’t know. I feel scared, that my constructed “heile Welt” as we would call it in Germany – which would translate to something like “ideal world” – is not as good as I made it to be. That once I start breaking the lies, my whole world will crash down on me. And then I am so unsure about how it will be like when I switch to Cedar Springs? Will I still see her? Or will I have to start over telling my story to another therapist?
I don’t know. Too many people know too much about me already and it feels like they may even know more about me than myself…

I guess I am scared.

Bulimia loves French Fries but Anorexia hates them

They are greasy, they are fatty, they are bad, but so delicious. So Bulimia asked me to binge them. I obeyed her. even though I had overheard Anorexia’s voice all day, and did not restrict at all. But something strange happened. I did not purge the fries, although I felt like I had to, and although I had way too much food (even though structured and planned) throughout the day PLUS beer. But, I made it through the night, and even though I did not have breakfast the way I used or should to, I did not freak out about it and just started my day with an high-caloric but also nourishing late breakfast. And I have to emphasis, that my roomie is gone for the day so I would actually have plenty of time now to binge and purge… and I am feeling stressed and I am thinking about it… actually I had to say out loud

“YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO! YOU WILL NOT DO IT! DO NOT DO IT!”

And I know I would regret it. My teeth are very sensitive since the last purge and I still feel very bloated and huge. I think people can tell when they look at me. My face is weird and my eyes dull. I lost my shiny smile and my sparkling eyes. It is very sad. All I want is happiness.

Anyway, I just realized that my professor (one of the three I am dealing with at the moment) does not reply to my mails, but I can’t really go and talk to her. Anyway. The other professor and I seem to be having lots of miscomunication going on. It is so frustrating. ALL my classes suck. I will get bad grades… and I feel like it is a conspiracy. It feels like they all want me out. I have no clue where this is coming from, but it really feels like that. I am so unsure about everything I do.
I don’t know what to do, but if I get 3 B’s I will just be completely dissatisfied. And I am really trying hard. I am struggling. And I wished I could talk openly to them, but they are just not the kind of people who actually would understand. And I don’t want to use my illness as an excuse at all. It is just like having three jobs: School, Teaching, Therapy. There is no room for me at all. And even though I was out last night, it was not really my choice in the sense of I was doing that for me. I went because I was asked to go, it was a University social. And my duty was basically the driving. I regret it, because it cost me money and it made me lose time. Time that I need to be working.
However, I met a girl, who seems really nice. And I really feel like I need a friend. But at the same time I feel like she is anorexic or has at least some kind of ED or issues with eating herself, so I don’t know if that would actually be good.

At any rate, I better start working… or I will not improve at all.

The norms of society, the rules to fit in SUCK.

Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

Too much food.

I went grocery shopping today and told myself to face it.
I bought “unsafe” food items, and even candy chocolate bars for my students. Which I am eating on right now, even though I got the wrong kind. I thought it was a mix of all the good ones but it’s actually the nasty Peanut and Caramel stuff… yuck… I’m binging them anyway… Ridiculous. Had a whole fat pizza as well. And beer. And I really did not want to binge tonight, but be strong… even with unsafe food in the house. My nutritionist said Tuesday that if I was unable to have unsafe food in the house I needed to drop out of school IMMEDIATELY and start Cedar Springs. hahaha. Ironic.

I felt liek I was getting sick all day though and now thinking about purging that binge is not really good. Won’t really help my immune system…
What a shame, I think part of my failure lays in little occurences of this day.
A) Talking to my mom.
B) Stupid remark I made at my weekly meeting with my adivsor
C) Stupidity in nature when talking to my supervisor
D) Not eating right all day
F) I saw that super skinny girl from the Gym today. She is skin and bones and muscles.
G) Going shopping hungry
H) Feeling weird overall
I) Not having done all I needed to
….
sucks.
I just wished I could just stop eating when it is enough.
Too much food in the house is bad….

But tomorrow is a new day and I only hope I will not catch the flu.

Life is slowly returning…

…it feels like….

Busy Busy Busy!

Wow, I got SO much done today. I should be proud!! Instead I am thinking that I should have set my priorities differently. What? Stupid perfectionism. I got more done than anyone else today. I went for an 1-hour run in the morning, called my grandma, had two 1-hour Doctor appointments, graded 35 tests, graded 10 essays so far (25 more to go… yuck), proof-read a more than imperfect 10-page conference paper translation which took me more than 3 hours, had 3 balanced meals, got paperwork together for my dad, tidied up a little, chatted briefly with my mom (family day???), set up a date for tomorrow night and tutored for an hour. I wonder how that all fitted into one single day… ha, and I did not get any course work done for my own class as of tomorrow… great, I might skip two of my classes… would be a smart choice – perhaps?
We will see… haven’t missed any yet and we are half way through the semester, so why not? I will get up at 5.30 and go from there… let’s see how far.
The weekend ahead is already a bit scary… but if I keep my work-a-holic attitude I can rock it. At least I’ll try.

OH! and I overcame a binge tonight. Well I binged half way and then realized that this was just too stupid. So, I quit. I just quit eating. Although I feel full, I did not go further to then eventually lead to a purging session. Nope. I did not, do not and will not. I guess I can be proud of myself. All I’d need now is someone who’d reassure to me that I will be fine and that I am worth at least something, because that is what I lack. Acknowledgment. I feel so needless and stupid. And I try to repress these thoughts, but it is very difficult and my heart starts accelerating and my chest tightens… I feel alone, just now and I know just that there is no one there of whom I could expect any kind of help.

So, I keep relying on myself.

By the way, self-reliance is such an issue. I discovered that with my therapist today. I really don’t want to be needy, I hate being in need and would never ever on this planet ask for help. Every time I did in the past, I have been rejected. No wonder I am such a hopeless case. Oh, and she said it was normal for women with EDs to have a problem with spending. And actually I just read an article about that issue in connection with bipolar disorder. Geesh, I need to control myself. But not with (or without) eating. Still, my therapist could not really tell me how I can take better care of myself. On the other hand she did say that she was glad that even though I am going through a lot of stress, I have not really been using binging and purging as a measure to escape. Only those two Fridays… and that is less frequent as in June when I was at home, but as my nutritionist pointed out more frequent than in July or even August, when I went two weeks or so without purging (while I was restricting more at that point though and exercising excessively)… so, I am kind of lost.
I was thinking about writing a post in the form of a personal inventory in stages of age and time. I will do that, or I will work on it and once it is elaborated post it, I feel like that will be really difficult, exhausting, but helpful.
For now, I say good night, I need to grade another hour before getting hopefully a hand full hours of sleep…

Oh, and I guess I made my mind up in order to rather go into debt than out of therapy.
I scheduled an appointment for next week, but I think I will ask her for bi-weekly sessions. Might be a good preparation for the time after IOP? Who knows.

My 2 cents on my recent purging behaviors

Since I started recovery I made “a purge” become such a big deal. But really? It is not. except the one a week ago, during which I almost died. But I mean, I know it is bad for my health, and since my heart rate is low and my Cholesterol high, it might not make this better, BUT (and the doctor I saw this week said that, too), my body kind of adjusted to a lot of states – maybe that is also why I am not losing weight anymore although my intake is below my BMR. Not intentionally and I am not exercising excessively anymore, because I am just so tired and lacking motivation, but still my fitness explains my heart rate. Unfortunately I don’t have money to see a cardiologist, and eventually to see my therapist, especially since her co-pay went up (actually by 20 percent! which I find pretty alarming, also kind of strange, because I thought it should have stayed the same for 9 sessions, have I already met with Paula 9 times? Not really because the increase went into effect in September, so that I had to pay for the last couple of times as well, without even having received an announcement of the change. Anyway. I will have to quit.)
So, I think my depression is to the most part simply psychologically and I doubt that my psyche really developed chemical deficits. They tell me I am lacking Serotonin and a SSRI – I think, that was the Acronym for what they try to make me believe – is what I am in need to be treated with and which is feeding my depression. I mean if so, I need a written black on white proof showing me that I am actually lacking exactly this. Thank you.
So, if I don’t believe that I am chemically lacking something, then I do believe that there is something going on in my head. Correct. So far so good, I actually believe that I am going crazy. And actually, I believe, that my natural coping mechanism has been failing lately, it has worsened from the first time I have mentioned to someone that I was possibly not alright. Fair enough, I was not. But I think I just need some happy pills. Will start taking Vitamine B complexes, because I heard it helps not to be so tired.

So far so good, here is my current plan:

A) Quit Sessions off Campus
B) Maybe See Someone on Campus until December
C) No Meds
D) Vitamin B Complex
E) If I purge, I purge.
F) Work
G) Work out
H) Stop caring about others for a while in terms of having others affect my life and my well-being and I won’t reach out for help anymore at all
I) Stop caring about myself in terms of having it pull me down
J) Put on that Face again

Sounds good. And today I am already doing well.
Actually I think putting on a face is a great thing.
Makes you powerful.

I told my friend

Wow… I needed 6 days to open up to her. But eventually I did. I just told her. Somehow. I waited for the right moment but of course there is no right moment and I just told her at dinner at the Hotel last night. It was good I told her and she just listened. She did not judge me. She did not try to get explanations, but she now “understands” some things. Things I do, or situations I am in or dealing with.
It felt relieving, but still now I am so scared about what happens next. I am scared about work to start, I am scared to finish up that course for which I got a few extra weeks to push my grade up (yes, it is generous of my professor, but still I wished I did not tell her because at the same time she did not communicate anything to me – regarding tasks or the course in general… anyway).
Ok, so here I am again.
The way back from Houston I have been thinking about … Daniel. I simply cannot make myself forget him like that. How can I have been so mistaken in all this? Why do feelings err??

Well, also my mind took off circling around the last few days: I had a great time, but I mean this was vacation. This was fun. This is not everyday life. Life is tough and life is unfair. How unfair I had to experience in our work meeting on Monday. And in an email I got on… Saturday I believe. RIDICULOUSLY unfair. It seriously feels like there was a conspiracy against me. I know sounds ridiculous and that is why I can’t even speak to the person(s) but I guess “Der Kluegere gibt nach” (the smarter one gives in… wow I can be smart once in my life… great)…
I ate so much food the last days, I am scared about that a lot-lot-lot, too… I wished it was already Thursday and I knew… There was a scale at the Hotel but believe it or not: it did not work… I tried and took the battery out and put it back in to make sure… it just would not work. Kind of funny. But I am sure, that will give me another bummer on Thursday… I am so scared about life at the moment.
Also the two friends I basically spend the most time with here will be gone for about 1-2 months in September… so I just don’t know who to turn to.
I just don’t know and I just don’t want to bother anyone. And Daniel I believe I should not bother at all. I have just ruined it all and I don’t want him to feel obligated to listen just because he broke my heart. I mean, I am sure, that if I would call or email him he would answer and I suppose he would even meet up if I feel bad, but I have the strange feeling that he only would because he feels like he had to and I don’t want pity.

It’s so messed up, I have even thought about leaving and go home, but I know that there I will not find peace with myself at all. I would probably end up purging 24/7 again and I have not been purging now for (believe it or not): 10 days (well, today is day 10!).. well, is it 10 ? Or has it been longer? Wow, I need to go back in my own blog to remember, is that good or bad? Probably good, because I am not consumed by my thoughts of bingeing and purging anymore… HOWEVER, to break that positive spirit: Yes, I have been thinking about purging what I had, but I could not, because of my friend. It would have been wrong.

I am not sure if I can be proud.
In fact I am not sure how I feel right now.
I am scared. I am lonely and I am overwhelmed.
I just wanna live.

Self doubts and destruction

Ok, I know i don’t find myself in the toilet, but still I always turn to it in times like… tonight… I can’t believed I screwed this day of structured eating… It was actually a really good day… and I ruined all my efforts. Of course, I feel horrible, and worthless. It is embarrassing most of al towards my own self that I again chose to purge instead of sitting down looking inside myself to finally reveal the reasons. One thing I learned tonight, structured eating during the day does not help me overcome the nights. My problem is just too deep, too painful, and too strongly attached to m true self that it is just so difficult to tear it off and throw it apart. I always try when I purge my heart and soul out but all it leaves is more damage. No cure, no solution to the problem.
I want to be myself so badly and I want to be happy. Happy with who I am. But I don’t know who that is. Who am I?
It feels like there is this neverending battle inside of me fought by my true self and the self I was raised to be, the one I am supposed to be – probably the one my true self despises and hates, just like I hate me. Maybe my true self is loveable and pure.
Why do I have to struggle so badly?
I think this was one of the triggers why tonight failed me in making this day worthy… I was with 3 friends and we also went to Ikea and out for dinner, so I was constantly reminded on what I am not. I saw many happy couples shopping for furniture, I saw happy families; momma running ater the 3 year old who just did what came to his mind not caring about anyone or anything around him, so free. I was reminded on how stressed I am. What was I thinking not be working? And then going for dinner. Everyone enjyoing the food, laughing, not caring about how many calories the dish had, or that this spoon was actually the one telling me that now it did not matter anymore… I would purge anyway… I hate that. I cannot enjoy food at all, I cannot enjoy the time with my friends, because all I can think of from one point on is: home, purge.

The last time I can remember that I truly enjoyed food and eating was with Daniel not too long ago… I made dinner with him or we went to Mandola’s. I did not care about food at all. Just being with him made me really happy.
Can someone be happy alone? Wouldn’t that be selfish?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy just by making someone else happy? i thought I did make him happy, but I was wrong and that hurts so much. How can I be so wrong in everything I do, in everything I perceive, in everything I think… in the way I am.

Krajina - Eduard Tomek