Overcoming a Binge-Purge-Urge

Is that it? Is that how it feels like? Really? Is it that easy?
So here is my day and how I made it NOT to binge and NOT to purge and to OVERCOME the urge.

I got up early, I started my day at Starbucks and had a Soy Chai and a Very Berry Coffeecake. A conscious choice. Not the most healthy food, not the most unhealthy neither, simply something I felt like eating. I enjoyed it very much, sitting on the porch at Starbucks, checking my email, browsing the web a bit and having a cigarette. The only one in a few days and the only one for a few days. I just felt like it.
So, I went to the Department, prepared class and went over to the other building to teach.
I love teaching. I love it. It is so much fun and so fulfilling. I have some really smart kids sitting in there and they really make me stun. It shows me how great the human being is and how complex we are indeed, too.
After teaching I had to carry like 40 notebooks back… It was a hassle. I had an earlier lunch break than usually, simply because I was hungry. I did not really have time, but I took my time. I even did not bother about thinking about the pile of work waiting for me. I had a good conversation with a colleague and then had to see one of my profs. Good indeed, too. I remembered that I can do it. I felt good about what I was doing. I saw the light at the end glimming for a second. Long enough to lighten my day.
I had a snack after class and went on with my work. Finished it at 4.30 and decided to keep on working.
My mom called in between and I got home at like 7pm. Finally. Still exhausted.
I had a good dinner: salad, grain bread with deli turkey and goat cheese.
BUT….
then I would eat a bit Haribo. Bad idea. I began counting calories, I started feeling bad about the, well, two handfull of candy treats… and I thought, well I could binge and purge it all…
BUT…
it was not me thinking that. It was Bulimia. She was getting louder and louder, and then her friend joined it. The one who controls my starving. He (I don’t know why it’s a male friend), well he was being very sarcastic. Telling me how proud he was that I starved in the past, that I did really good on those days, but that this was wrong, that I am ruining it all. “Can’t you feel your pants getting tighter?” “Can’t you see the fat on your body?”
Yes, certainly I could. Certainly. I still can.
BUT…
For the sake of my life, I fucking don’t care.
I don’t care as long as I can feel myself, my emotions, me being alive.

In fact my dear friends made me walk to the kitchen about 10 times. Back and forth – forth and back. I opened the fridge. No real easy binge foods. I opened the freezer. No real easy binge foods either. I opened the boards. Nope…
Ok, there were some foods I could turn into binge foods. I had sugar. I had condiments. I had butter and salt and all that…
You can steal from your roommates food.
Ok, no. That was enough. I left the kitchen.
That’s not what I want.
I walked around a bit. Very lost. Confused. But then slowly my spirit came back.
And here I am watching a movie. I drank a diet coke. I usually don’t because it makes me feel bloated. And I feel that way, but I don’t care, because I am just proud I defeated that urge. I did it. And I will in the future. This is not equal the control I was exercising in terms of counting on a number on the scale, counting calories or minutes running or exercising. It was all about being conscious about what I do. Not numbing myself out, but standing through the pain.
It is a great feeling to be strong.
It really is. And Bulimia and this stupid starving friend are fighting now on their own, accusing each other for failing, for being weaker than my consciousness. haha, fuck you!

Men hinder recovery, do they?!

Ok, I think the date post needs some more explanation.
In fact I figured out why I had been binging and purging again last week after doing so well for a few days.
Those few days I only did well, because of the guy I lost. I wanted (and still want) him back. As I said, I miss everything about him and it hurts so much to have lost him. Not the fact that he does not like me the way I was hoping and actually thinking he did, but more about the fact how I have again been successful in manipulating situations so that I will not get hurt by others but by my own actions. I wished I could have seen that before I scared him away.
At any rate, after we talked the last time (he was sitting right over there in that chair… looking awfully good…) I start thinking, that I cannot get him back. My hope is in vain and also I got very frustrated about me thinking he just wanted to get some ideas on how girls are affected if the father leaves the family (for this is one of the reasons why I started b/p, well one cause, no reason, the reason lays deeper). Anyway, so I don’t know if I should fight for him. I think it would scare him again. And I think that I should forget about him. Which is so so so so hard. I don’t want to.
I miss the fact of knowing that he is there. That he is there for me (not physically but by knowing, that he cares).
So, after creating these strong thoughts about how I have lost him and that eventually I will not ever be able to get him back, I was so lost that I turned to Bulimia again last week. I have been so conscious about all these ridiculous b/p sessions that it is scary. I was aware of why I do it, that it is bad but still I could not control myself. That’s where the addiction of this disease sets in. Painful and destructive.
Then I actually started to push him aside ad to block out the feelings I have for him. I wished I could start crying right now, but I can’t. I am scared I could never stop and break down again.
So once I pushed him aside I would work more, and would be more affective for stress. So from there it went its way and that one night, I just could not handle my emotions. I did not want to think about how and why I lost him and Bulimia seemed so unreasonably reasonable for me in that moment. So i was back to it for a few days. And I regret. I regret being alive at times, for I am causing myself so much misery.
So, but after a down there is always an up, correct?
I guess. And I tried to distract myself from my very own world. I stopped purging now for 3 days. I feel good, although I feel like I am gaining lots of weight because of the structured eating.
But I don’t care as much at the moment.
I have something else to hold on to now and that is external.

Forgetting about Daniel.

But how? How do you do something painful like that without being torn into the cycle again? Exactly for now I guess finding another external factor to hold on to.
So I met with this guy, a friend’s friend I just recently got introduced to. A really nice and fun guy, but yesterday during the “date” (he insisted on paying for everything, and brought flowers (beautiful sunflowers), when he picked me up so I guess it was a date, although I just thought he wanted to hang out and show me that Honky Tonk Bar in town, I guess I am very naive, but anyway…)… well, I have been thinking about Daniel. I have been comparing them to one another (I know, something you don’t do because it leads to nothing but reminding you on who you lost…). I did enjoy the evening big time. We went to this Bar, lots of Cowboys, lots of country music, lots of beer and I learned how to dance. Well, a little. This big old cowboy (seriously, probably 6’3” tall, big, cowboy hat, mustach, plaid shirt, tight jeans, boots!! A real Texan I would say) came up to me and pretty much showed me I can dance. It was great and even my date tried to teach me some steps and we slow-danced, fast-danced, laughed and had a good time.
So, this thought pops up in my head… I was thinking, well, I am enjoying myself around him, I did not really care much about my appearance, and I guess my attempts on acting somewhat self-confident worked ok. It worked that evening.
We later went to his friend’s bday party. Even though I did not care much about the people there, who smoked weed and seemed a little off in their worlds, I did enjoy that as well – of course not smoking that joint, and I was glad my date passed, too. Although, when I asked him if he usually does he said “Yes, every now and then” (a big big minus point, but it’s his life, just like I decide to b/p every now and then, but maybe that is exactly why I disliked that fact about him. Maybe because it shows weakness? Maybe it shows, that he also needs to work on himself? So, is that bad? No. But he may not be aware of that…. oh wow, here I go again, expecting too much at a time, analyzing and interpreting situations and human beings… I should stop that. It gets me nowhere right now). Ok, anyways, he played the guitar and sang along. I enjoyed that. I really really did. I had a great time. So back to my thought, which is (now I try to put it into words): why not date this guy, to get some distraction, to have some fun, to learn how it is like to enjoy myself and go from there?
Maybe I can forget Daniel this way?
Maybe if I just tell myself.
Maybe if I just try hard enough.
Maybe. Maybe not.

Confidence and Beauty

I found this video and because I like Kelly Clarkson, I thought I post it.
She is awesome, I wished I had her confidence and beauty 🙂

KELLY CLARKSON

Oh, and here one with even more confidence AND beauty

SHERRI SHEPHERD

How I wished, I could love myself the way I am.