Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

Overcoming a Binge-Purge-Urge

Is that it? Is that how it feels like? Really? Is it that easy?
So here is my day and how I made it NOT to binge and NOT to purge and to OVERCOME the urge.

I got up early, I started my day at Starbucks and had a Soy Chai and a Very Berry Coffeecake. A conscious choice. Not the most healthy food, not the most unhealthy neither, simply something I felt like eating. I enjoyed it very much, sitting on the porch at Starbucks, checking my email, browsing the web a bit and having a cigarette. The only one in a few days and the only one for a few days. I just felt like it.
So, I went to the Department, prepared class and went over to the other building to teach.
I love teaching. I love it. It is so much fun and so fulfilling. I have some really smart kids sitting in there and they really make me stun. It shows me how great the human being is and how complex we are indeed, too.
After teaching I had to carry like 40 notebooks back… It was a hassle. I had an earlier lunch break than usually, simply because I was hungry. I did not really have time, but I took my time. I even did not bother about thinking about the pile of work waiting for me. I had a good conversation with a colleague and then had to see one of my profs. Good indeed, too. I remembered that I can do it. I felt good about what I was doing. I saw the light at the end glimming for a second. Long enough to lighten my day.
I had a snack after class and went on with my work. Finished it at 4.30 and decided to keep on working.
My mom called in between and I got home at like 7pm. Finally. Still exhausted.
I had a good dinner: salad, grain bread with deli turkey and goat cheese.
BUT….
then I would eat a bit Haribo. Bad idea. I began counting calories, I started feeling bad about the, well, two handfull of candy treats… and I thought, well I could binge and purge it all…
BUT…
it was not me thinking that. It was Bulimia. She was getting louder and louder, and then her friend joined it. The one who controls my starving. He (I don’t know why it’s a male friend), well he was being very sarcastic. Telling me how proud he was that I starved in the past, that I did really good on those days, but that this was wrong, that I am ruining it all. “Can’t you feel your pants getting tighter?” “Can’t you see the fat on your body?”
Yes, certainly I could. Certainly. I still can.
BUT…
For the sake of my life, I fucking don’t care.
I don’t care as long as I can feel myself, my emotions, me being alive.

In fact my dear friends made me walk to the kitchen about 10 times. Back and forth – forth and back. I opened the fridge. No real easy binge foods. I opened the freezer. No real easy binge foods either. I opened the boards. Nope…
Ok, there were some foods I could turn into binge foods. I had sugar. I had condiments. I had butter and salt and all that…
You can steal from your roommates food.
Ok, no. That was enough. I left the kitchen.
That’s not what I want.
I walked around a bit. Very lost. Confused. But then slowly my spirit came back.
And here I am watching a movie. I drank a diet coke. I usually don’t because it makes me feel bloated. And I feel that way, but I don’t care, because I am just proud I defeated that urge. I did it. And I will in the future. This is not equal the control I was exercising in terms of counting on a number on the scale, counting calories or minutes running or exercising. It was all about being conscious about what I do. Not numbing myself out, but standing through the pain.
It is a great feeling to be strong.
It really is. And Bulimia and this stupid starving friend are fighting now on their own, accusing each other for failing, for being weaker than my consciousness. haha, fuck you!

Fuck it

This is pathetic.
In the previous post I talk about how I want to change my life in the first line. But I am not doing shit to improve my situation. Basically because I don’t know how and why. And my thoughts are off. I cannot see. I cannot breathe. I cannot think.
Again, I want to disappear. I want to run away.
I don’t want to be so fucking alone.
If I have to be alone I want to chose the loneliness consciously.
That’s why i sometimes think that I always chose to run away.
That actually is my choice.

I met Teal today. She is a friend of Daniel. She told me I looked fantastic?? How can someone even think that about me? This also is so pathetic! Because I seem to be a master of putting a face on. I am sitting here crying. And just earlier today someone told me I looked fantastic. Probably she was lying. Probably she knows. And she just reminded me of how easy everything was for me when I was with Daniel. I ate, I enjoyed myself and I did not worry. I wish myself back right in that time, in that feeling in that place. I miss to be myself. And that was definitely a side of me shining through.

Please, what do I have to do? What can I do???

This week will be so difficult.

I have no one. Not even myself, because I can’t even trust myself in any way. I lie to myself probably more than to anyone else. And I know I should not pity myself. I know I need to stand up straight. But I can’t. Why does no one understand that I can’t????
Maybe I don’t even want to anymore. It’s the same. No one cares.

Where the fuck do I find my Identity?

Ok, I guess it was good to let sink that meeting with my psychiatrist of this morning.

I realized, that I have to find out who I am, right, I said that already but the real question is: What is my identity??? And where the fuck do I find it?

Correct, I cannot find it in one of my memory boxes or picture albums. But that is part of the puzzle. However, I have to go deeper.
Who has made me?
Right mom and dad. Where do they come from? Who are they?
How have they influenced my life and how have they been influenced in the first place?? Bringing me all the way to my grandparents and perhaps even my great grandparents.

I have always wanted to be someone else. Always, as far as I can think back and when I was about 10 I always wanted to be 18. Being free. I have thought about that lately. I wondered if it would be best for me, personally, to live my very own life or would that mean, I would ignore my past and identity?

Oh, life is so difficult.

I found another great picture by Eduard Tomek. I don’t know for some reason I see myself in his beautiful art.

Parku - Eduard Tomek

I will write more details about the talk later or tomorrow. It is just so important and difficult for me to figure everything out.