So it’s Sunday and another week is ahead. Let me review the last week. Actually it’s been pretty good. With some slip-ups. But it is ok. It really is. I talked to a friend yesterday and one thing keeps soaring around in my head since: Passion does not necessarily have to be there first, sometimes or probably even most times, passion develops – it comes along while engaging yourself. And she is right. The problem is not really that I have lost my passion it is, that I have lost my motivation to start things. I can easily fascinate myself for things. Just like it is with the research I am doing on eating disorders. Ok, sometimes, if it is more relevant for one’s own life, the research goes along way easier, and is in fact more interesting, because of the degree to which one can relate to it, but my friend is right, passion does not have to be there first.
So, I will be able to develop – if not passion – at least excitement about the things I have to do for class and I will not let myself be influenced by others, like my professors. It does not matter how they treat me, as long as I believe in myself and the way I am working on the tasks. I just need to be diligent and prescribed to it in a way that does not hurt me and is somewhat natural. I mean, I cannot escape society, in fact I have to live in it and I need to accept it and try to take the best out of it. It is not all bad. It is difficult, for sure, but I can do it. Everyone can follow their dreams and everyone can fulfill them. But no one ever said it will be easy.
Oh, I did something… stupid yesterday…
I went to the gym and I checked my weight… I was frustrated and worked out for 3 hours. After that I was back on where I wanted to see my weight to be. I mean, although I understand Amanda and the logic of not obsessing with the numbers it is just incredibly hard and I just could not put up with not knowing anymore… The only thing I am scared of is that now I will be torn to weigh myself more often again and actually I don’t want to care anymore. However, I am also a bit scared, because I have not been eating much in the last weeks but did not lose weight. Which is fine, but Amanda said I still don’t eat enough. There we get to the point. Ok, I am not eating enough right now but am not losing weight. What would happen if I would eat enough? Gaining. And I do not want to gain ever in my life again.
It’s so frustrating.
Oh, and I did something else… something stupid again…
At the gym was this girl. she was seriously sick. She could barely lift her legs to get on the spinning bike. I saw her first on the eliptical for an hour (while I was on the eliptical), I heard people talking about her like “look how skinny she is”, “anorexic”, “sick”. So, I mean it was obvious. She did not stand up straight nor sit up straight, always leaned forward, her bones sticking out, her T-shirt way too big on her. When she moved her arms, you could see every bone, and muscle. Her eyes big and somewhat like they were coming out of her face. Her hair thin, dull and straight. I watched her. After the eliptical she was on the spinning bike. Very slowly. Very weak it seemed. So, I felt so bad, I felt like I needed to help her. But how do you talk to someone like her? I mean, I always wished someone would have approached me, in times that were really bad, but I was never “unhealthy looking” enough. I always looked healthy, or at least not like I had an eating disorder. And I remembered how in High School in Germany you were just labeled as an attention seeker if you were anorexic. So, I felt like I really needed to talk to her, offer her help, because no one would, right? I mean, who would approach someone and tell that person “Look, I am concerned about you. Let me help you.”. The only thing peopel would do is stare and say “OMG, she is so skinny”. But although I know that she has to want the help from within and for herself, I felt like just by confronting her I might be able to start her thinking process.
I was not courageous enough to just walk up to her and talk to her, but I went to my locker, wrote a small note and went back. In fact she was not on the spinning bike anymore (after an hour) but on the treadmill.
Her eyes, when I gave her the note told me that she thought I was crazy. I left. But I could not have went home without at least offering help to her.
I don’t know if it was wrong or right, but I had to do it.
Anyway, maybe I see her at the gym today again.
she hasn’t emailed me yet and I don’t think she will.
I hope she will be fine.
She really looked sick.
But I guess, now I need to take care of myself.
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