Bulimia, anorexia, exercise addiction and I don’t ever wanna go back there!

It’s been a little over a year that I have actively or better said openly started to look for help. I was burned out by my ed. I was desperate and all I wanted was to die or be happy. To be happy did not seem to work so I engaged in my ed more and more… having been overweight as a kid, I found Bulimia at age 11 or 12… I dieted periodically and then had a bulimia-cherishing episode… I could not find a way out – not on my own. I tried and tried and tired and failed and failed and failed and with life going on, with growing older and having to take on responsibilities I was not really so sure or even aware about, I began putting myself down every time I failed. Life was tough and life was no fun. I tried to escape my misery by turning towards food and away from food, towards exercise, towards sex, towards controlling my life on a level that was just easier to control than life itself, which just is: unpredictable. I am still having a hard time to accept that I simply cannot influence fate, and that I cannot influence others. However, I learned that I can influence myself, but I took it too far. I put myself down, and down I fell… I was almost unable to get back up. all I could dream of was escape, death, a new life.

But, now I know that while I cannot control what happens around me and what others are doing I can control my thoughts and they shall never ever be as negative and self-destructive as they used to be.
Yes, I have downs and yes, I am not always optimistic and have a positive outlook on life, but I know that that is part of life and I try to accept it. Life is wonderful even with all the kinks and bad that exists. If there was no bad there was no good. If there was no flaw there was no perfection.

I’m taking a class in ethics and values and even though it just started this week, I love it. I start thinking about myself – my views, my virtues and values – through different, conscious eyes connected to an open mind equipped with awareness and lots of acceptance.

I sometimes wonder when and if there will be a time at which I will stumble or fall again and I believe there will, but next time I will be prepared. I know what to tell myself to help me overcome without such harm again. I hurt myself so much in my life I really need to start living it “good”.
And only I can define what good means to me. No one else can and ever will take that control over me. No media, no friend or boyfriend just me.

This brings me to my homework. I have my 10 strongest virtues (picking them from a list of 100)… It’s a pretty difficult exercise. There are many virtues I consider “good” or “not good”.
Life is such a mystery to me but I am starting to love it instead of fearing it. My fear made me to a slave and tied me closer to my Ed. Only my strength can pull me away and help me fight my fears in a healthy way (as I believe that fear in moderation is “good”, helpful, necessary).

Life is good.
Be patient (something I never thought I really could be!) and soak it in.

Love,

Grace

Life is slowly returning…

…it feels like….

Busy Busy Busy!

Wow, I got SO much done today. I should be proud!! Instead I am thinking that I should have set my priorities differently. What? Stupid perfectionism. I got more done than anyone else today. I went for an 1-hour run in the morning, called my grandma, had two 1-hour Doctor appointments, graded 35 tests, graded 10 essays so far (25 more to go… yuck), proof-read a more than imperfect 10-page conference paper translation which took me more than 3 hours, had 3 balanced meals, got paperwork together for my dad, tidied up a little, chatted briefly with my mom (family day???), set up a date for tomorrow night and tutored for an hour. I wonder how that all fitted into one single day… ha, and I did not get any course work done for my own class as of tomorrow… great, I might skip two of my classes… would be a smart choice – perhaps?
We will see… haven’t missed any yet and we are half way through the semester, so why not? I will get up at 5.30 and go from there… let’s see how far.
The weekend ahead is already a bit scary… but if I keep my work-a-holic attitude I can rock it. At least I’ll try.

OH! and I overcame a binge tonight. Well I binged half way and then realized that this was just too stupid. So, I quit. I just quit eating. Although I feel full, I did not go further to then eventually lead to a purging session. Nope. I did not, do not and will not. I guess I can be proud of myself. All I’d need now is someone who’d reassure to me that I will be fine and that I am worth at least something, because that is what I lack. Acknowledgment. I feel so needless and stupid. And I try to repress these thoughts, but it is very difficult and my heart starts accelerating and my chest tightens… I feel alone, just now and I know just that there is no one there of whom I could expect any kind of help.

So, I keep relying on myself.

By the way, self-reliance is such an issue. I discovered that with my therapist today. I really don’t want to be needy, I hate being in need and would never ever on this planet ask for help. Every time I did in the past, I have been rejected. No wonder I am such a hopeless case. Oh, and she said it was normal for women with EDs to have a problem with spending. And actually I just read an article about that issue in connection with bipolar disorder. Geesh, I need to control myself. But not with (or without) eating. Still, my therapist could not really tell me how I can take better care of myself. On the other hand she did say that she was glad that even though I am going through a lot of stress, I have not really been using binging and purging as a measure to escape. Only those two Fridays… and that is less frequent as in June when I was at home, but as my nutritionist pointed out more frequent than in July or even August, when I went two weeks or so without purging (while I was restricting more at that point though and exercising excessively)… so, I am kind of lost.
I was thinking about writing a post in the form of a personal inventory in stages of age and time. I will do that, or I will work on it and once it is elaborated post it, I feel like that will be really difficult, exhausting, but helpful.
For now, I say good night, I need to grade another hour before getting hopefully a hand full hours of sleep…

Oh, and I guess I made my mind up in order to rather go into debt than out of therapy.
I scheduled an appointment for next week, but I think I will ask her for bi-weekly sessions. Might be a good preparation for the time after IOP? Who knows.

I love Mr. A-Z

Jason Mraz is wonderful.
He is just so so great.
His music, his voice, his body language, his genuine words and this sense of humor. Just one amazing human being. He really helped me big time tonight.
I don’t know much about him, but his songs and the vibrations he is able to submit fascinated and inspired me. There was definitely a unique atmosphere, if not even a connection between him, his band and the entire audience tonight.
And his voice is just so outstanding. So clear. His lyrics so well-thought and put together so harmonically.
He gave me such a boost – he truly inspired me.

Just before the concert have I been reading Isha’s new blog post on Inspiration.
Here is the article.
Who inspires me? Who inspires you?

Think about it each day!

Jason asked in the beginning: what are you grateful of?

Ask yourself each day!

He said so many meaningful things, not only in hos songs but also when connecting to the audience.

“Don’t let your mind stop you from having fun!”

“Thank you for being here. Thank yourself. This way you are not sitting alone in a room. With too many thoughts.”

That is so Buddha!!

He is wonderful!

I am just so happy I went there tonight.

Life is wonderful. Here you go.

Everyone is beautiful

Yes, the heading is correct. It is me speaking! Me! Not Bulimia!
We shall use this day to show how beautiful we all are in our very own special ways. It is inside us all. Oppressed by false ideas around beauty as presented to us from our society, colored by the painters of fashion magazines and Hollywood, influenced by the people who raised us, who we met throughout life, who have hurt us, who have diasappointed us, from whom we have learned not to trust, not even our own self…

But we are our own artists, aren’t we?
And what would this world be like if we all would be and look the same? If we all experienced the same? If we all reacted the same?
We don’t want that, we want to express our own special, true selves.

So, this recovery again feels like this journey to my true self and I am so happy today is such a day. I may be anxious about tomorrow, but for today I will embrace everything, I will not judge, I will just receive.
It feels strange, but deep down inside me there is this powerful young lady ready to rock the world. Ready to untie the knots, throw away the bonds an be free. Independent. Me.

Keep it up everyone!
We can do it!
We just have to keep going. Step by step.

Strength within

Thanks for the most recent comments. I really appreciate your solidarity and support.

It is really, really hard for me to believe in myself, yet I know that this is what it’s all about. I have always cared and worried about other people, the only emotion I would let out on myself was guilt, self-hate , self-contempt, disrespect and all that…

I need to get away from that, but it is hard if you haven’t been able to while growing up.

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR YOUR WORDS. It really means a lot to me 🙂

IN FACT, some good news:

I came home kind of late, and di not right away make dinner, I took sometime to organize myself. Then I had a salad (ok, 2 plates, but I did not feel full) and (I admit) a beer. But then, I decided to clean up, to make everything look clean and neat and I set up my new wireless connection (not stealing my neighbor’s anymore 🙂 ).
Now, I feel really good and stronger.

I will kick it 🙂
Can’t wait for my morning run!!!

I am still doing great!

I had a full blown lunch today!! Soup and a panini!! I have to admit though that I did not have breakfast; only coffee with a sip of soy milk. However, I was not hungry. So, I don’t think I should force it then. I was glad I did not feel the urge to eat at all and also not the urge not to eat. I know contradictory in terms but that is what my life was like, chaotic, and I did not know what I wanted. Not that I am saying in just a few days I have turned a round completely and am fine, but I have learned so much already that I don’t want to look back.
I am sure that I will be facing days that won’t go so well as the last two but that is life and I need to accept that.
Brian had said that it is “ok” if I purge. Well not “ok” in the sense of “Go for it”, but in the sense of not putting myself down if it happens. I should not count the days, I should simply look forward, straight ahead and challenge what I need to face on this path.

Tonight I will see him again.
I still miss him a lot, although he is there for me in a special way. Like, every time I see him it fills me up with hope and security and every time I talk to him I feel like he understands or at least tries to. I am very happy I trusted him and told him about this. Without him I may have not understood what this is all about – sounds like I was holding on to external factors but this is something else: sometimes you need to be pushed towards the better because sometimes you think your eyes are open when they are really not. Like daydreaming.
I miss him though physically. Of course when I see him I wished I could kiss him, touch him or simply take his clothes off, but he is right. It is better if we don’t, although I miss having sex with him a lot. And I never thought I could ever miss sex at all. But I guess we have to sacrifice sometimes for our own good. I need to get better, I need to recover and I guess, I need to be selfish for a while in terms of focussing on myself only.

I try and it is a good feeling sometimes and I guess I need to establish self-confidence to bring myself even further.

Recovery is going her way pushing Bulimia out of the ring. I am fighting her and I will beat her. Whatever it takes, because I want to live.

:)

No purging last night. I had a full blown dinner and enjoyed it.
I was even comfortable after eating it.
And today my daily run was great! I ran faster and it went easier than usually. I feel good.

I have been thinking about a couple of things though that Brian told me yesterday. I am wondering about how I got to the point of having no self-esteem. I think when I was younger around 18 or 19 I did have more self esteem than now. Sadly true. In any case, the fact that I was so insecure and just so not conscious and confident about myself puzzles me. But what I learned is that people who are like that, I mean insecure, rely more on external factors. I mean it makes perfect sense, how could someone rely on one’s self if there is no trust in one’s own abilities and one’s own life. So, and this is true, people like me tend to rely and tend to hold on to the fixation, for example of becoming perfect on the outside, in order to then being appreciated. But, then one is still not appreciated for one’s self, but more for superficial appearance or performance. This also makes perfect sense when I think back on the states of my bulimia… I was doing well in terms of not b/p when I was with my first and only boyfriend. I was fine because I had something else to hold on to and to rely on. But we need to first trust and rely on our own self. Because how sad as it may sound that is what in the end it will come down to. Of course sharing lives is wonderful, but you cannot do so if you don’t keep yourself at the same time.
This is a very interesting discovery for me. I always thought giving myself up completely for someone I love is the ideal. And it partially it may be so but only if it happens mutually. You let someone into your life and you are granted access to someone else’s life without forgetting about yourself and your needs. If I make sense here, but what it comes down to is, that I am really needing to find my true self in order to love myself and eventually be truely loved back for who I am.

I am thankful for this day and happy I am alive.

Bach

Bach – Arioso
Just saying thanks for reading. and listening to Bach… I used to play his pieces all the time.

More Optimism!

I just had another session with my psychologist.
I talked 🙂 I am not really sure yet if I believe in psychology and the mental treatment of this recovery but I want to win this battle so I have to keep on fighting, no matter what and whatever it takes.
I am so positive today, I can’t believe myself 🙂
I think this battle is a journey to my true self. I am on the right track and I am revealing the beauty in me.
Still I am scared what tonight will bring, but I will survive and I will grow stronger even if I end up purging.
My past has shaped me. I think I have to learn to understand and accept this. And to do so I need to go back into my past. Maybe it is right. I just always thought that I had already come to terms with my past and I always told myself that other people were off way worse than me so I should stop the self-pity but life is just unfair and binge purging could kill me, so I need to start caring for myself and I need to start finding myself.

This journey is starting to become enlightening and I am happy I took this step forward.

I want to win over Bulimia and I will.