Wednesday Morning

I don’t feel all to well, I have this long long day in front of me. I left the house at 6.15. I had breakfast at Starbucks and I know I won’t be home before 9.30 tonight. Long long day for sure.
I still have to get a lot of work done. I hope I will be able to take a nap and swim at the pool after classes around 5pm. So much to do. So much.
I will make it, won’t I?
And tomorrow I have a day off – ideal to get more work done. Step by step.
I will be fine. I can do it. I just need to keep telling myself.
This self-compassion article is good, but I know most of the things and actually I have been thinking and actually doing exactly what she said in there before I started recovery. So what’s the deal? In fact telling myself that other people have issues, too, and that some are off worse does not help me anymore. In fact, it makes me feel even more ridiculous. That’s the source of why I think I am stupid. I should be fine, I should be happy and thankful for who I am. But I am not. I hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I interact. I hate pretty much everything about me. And I don’t have myself under control, I lack discipline and motivation. And yet I don’t just want to function, I want to live. I don’t want to act anymore, put on a face and get by. In honesty? I don’t even know anymore when I put a face on and when it’s actually me. I want to find myself. And it seems impossible for me to figure it out. I have messed myself up and everything just gets more and more complicated every second, with every move. I mean, what’s up with that?
Why can’t I find the right sources of strength anymore? And why do I have to deal with this? Why now? Why haven’t I done it way way earlier?
Alright, no need to put myself down on how I made decisions and how I performed in the past. But I need to understand for myself what I feel right now, try to trace the way I am right now. I believe that only if I figure myself out, I can actually get better, only then will I be able to see that there is more to me, possibly, that I am capable of more meaningful things, that I am worth. And worthlessness is driving me at the moment. I am scared each day. I want to lose this feeling. It is probably okay to feel it every now and then, but as a constant state it is only destructive and painful. But how do I lose this? How can I finally go on in life without these thoughts hammering in my head?
It is not easy. Not easy at all.
But I am still here, trying. Trying hard.
I’m determined to win this.
For the sake of being here in this world.

Self doubts and destruction

Ok, I know i don’t find myself in the toilet, but still I always turn to it in times like… tonight… I can’t believed I screwed this day of structured eating… It was actually a really good day… and I ruined all my efforts. Of course, I feel horrible, and worthless. It is embarrassing most of al towards my own self that I again chose to purge instead of sitting down looking inside myself to finally reveal the reasons. One thing I learned tonight, structured eating during the day does not help me overcome the nights. My problem is just too deep, too painful, and too strongly attached to m true self that it is just so difficult to tear it off and throw it apart. I always try when I purge my heart and soul out but all it leaves is more damage. No cure, no solution to the problem.
I want to be myself so badly and I want to be happy. Happy with who I am. But I don’t know who that is. Who am I?
It feels like there is this neverending battle inside of me fought by my true self and the self I was raised to be, the one I am supposed to be – probably the one my true self despises and hates, just like I hate me. Maybe my true self is loveable and pure.
Why do I have to struggle so badly?
I think this was one of the triggers why tonight failed me in making this day worthy… I was with 3 friends and we also went to Ikea and out for dinner, so I was constantly reminded on what I am not. I saw many happy couples shopping for furniture, I saw happy families; momma running ater the 3 year old who just did what came to his mind not caring about anyone or anything around him, so free. I was reminded on how stressed I am. What was I thinking not be working? And then going for dinner. Everyone enjyoing the food, laughing, not caring about how many calories the dish had, or that this spoon was actually the one telling me that now it did not matter anymore… I would purge anyway… I hate that. I cannot enjoy food at all, I cannot enjoy the time with my friends, because all I can think of from one point on is: home, purge.

The last time I can remember that I truly enjoyed food and eating was with Daniel not too long ago… I made dinner with him or we went to Mandola’s. I did not care about food at all. Just being with him made me really happy.
Can someone be happy alone? Wouldn’t that be selfish?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy just by making someone else happy? i thought I did make him happy, but I was wrong and that hurts so much. How can I be so wrong in everything I do, in everything I perceive, in everything I think… in the way I am.

Krajina - Eduard Tomek