Crazy

Ok, so I had a good day and a bad day. But I am fine with that situation.
It started badly because my cat woke me up at 2 and 3 and 4… Then I finally decided to get up and go to school. I think I was like the first customer at Starbucks in the morning… Anyway, I finished up my school work, had a decent breakfast and went to work. I got really tired at about 12pm but still had more hours to go at work and at the social after work… and a bday party. Such a crazy day. However, I felt good today. I ate way too much, but didn’t really binge, I mean, it was too much, but not binge-like too much, so I am sort of proud. Nevertheless, the fact that i don’t know my weight bothers me A LOT. I wished I knew, and just knowing I gained some weight in a week freaks me out. And then this range she gave me of 4 pounds… Ouch.
BUT, I will be strong. I will not purge again like I have last night and I will not check my weight at the Gym (which is really hard just because I have to pass the scale twice). I can do it, even if I get fatter… I have to let go. I don’t want to live in addiction and self-pity, self-hatred and anxiety anymore. I tasted life again these days and I need to feed this feeling. I need to remind myself of being conscious and compassionate.

I read some more on and by Isha Judd and Kristin Neff today. I think I need to find out more also about Buddhism – it seems to be so enlightening. I guess, I need to hod on to whatever I believe can help me right now. It might just be temporary but it may also turn into something I expected least.
I’m waiting for nothing but await the positive.
I was thinking about doing Yoga again, maybe Bykram Yoga again (if it just wasn’t so expensive…) or at least meditate. I can drive up to Mt. Bonnell each night and meditate there. The perfect place around here actually to find harmony for and within myself.

For now, however, I will sleep. I will not get up to go running tomorrow morning, I will sleep as long as I will be allowed to 😉

Self doubts and destruction

Ok, I know i don’t find myself in the toilet, but still I always turn to it in times like… tonight… I can’t believed I screwed this day of structured eating… It was actually a really good day… and I ruined all my efforts. Of course, I feel horrible, and worthless. It is embarrassing most of al towards my own self that I again chose to purge instead of sitting down looking inside myself to finally reveal the reasons. One thing I learned tonight, structured eating during the day does not help me overcome the nights. My problem is just too deep, too painful, and too strongly attached to m true self that it is just so difficult to tear it off and throw it apart. I always try when I purge my heart and soul out but all it leaves is more damage. No cure, no solution to the problem.
I want to be myself so badly and I want to be happy. Happy with who I am. But I don’t know who that is. Who am I?
It feels like there is this neverending battle inside of me fought by my true self and the self I was raised to be, the one I am supposed to be – probably the one my true self despises and hates, just like I hate me. Maybe my true self is loveable and pure.
Why do I have to struggle so badly?
I think this was one of the triggers why tonight failed me in making this day worthy… I was with 3 friends and we also went to Ikea and out for dinner, so I was constantly reminded on what I am not. I saw many happy couples shopping for furniture, I saw happy families; momma running ater the 3 year old who just did what came to his mind not caring about anyone or anything around him, so free. I was reminded on how stressed I am. What was I thinking not be working? And then going for dinner. Everyone enjyoing the food, laughing, not caring about how many calories the dish had, or that this spoon was actually the one telling me that now it did not matter anymore… I would purge anyway… I hate that. I cannot enjoy food at all, I cannot enjoy the time with my friends, because all I can think of from one point on is: home, purge.

The last time I can remember that I truly enjoyed food and eating was with Daniel not too long ago… I made dinner with him or we went to Mandola’s. I did not care about food at all. Just being with him made me really happy.
Can someone be happy alone? Wouldn’t that be selfish?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy just by making someone else happy? i thought I did make him happy, but I was wrong and that hurts so much. How can I be so wrong in everything I do, in everything I perceive, in everything I think… in the way I am.

Krajina - Eduard Tomek