My 2 cents on my recent purging behaviors

Since I started recovery I made “a purge” become such a big deal. But really? It is not. except the one a week ago, during which I almost died. But I mean, I know it is bad for my health, and since my heart rate is low and my Cholesterol high, it might not make this better, BUT (and the doctor I saw this week said that, too), my body kind of adjusted to a lot of states – maybe that is also why I am not losing weight anymore although my intake is below my BMR. Not intentionally and I am not exercising excessively anymore, because I am just so tired and lacking motivation, but still my fitness explains my heart rate. Unfortunately I don’t have money to see a cardiologist, and eventually to see my therapist, especially since her co-pay went up (actually by 20 percent! which I find pretty alarming, also kind of strange, because I thought it should have stayed the same for 9 sessions, have I already met with Paula 9 times? Not really because the increase went into effect in September, so that I had to pay for the last couple of times as well, without even having received an announcement of the change. Anyway. I will have to quit.)
So, I think my depression is to the most part simply psychologically and I doubt that my psyche really developed chemical deficits. They tell me I am lacking Serotonin and a SSRI – I think, that was the Acronym for what they try to make me believe – is what I am in need to be treated with and which is feeding my depression. I mean if so, I need a written black on white proof showing me that I am actually lacking exactly this. Thank you.
So, if I don’t believe that I am chemically lacking something, then I do believe that there is something going on in my head. Correct. So far so good, I actually believe that I am going crazy. And actually, I believe, that my natural coping mechanism has been failing lately, it has worsened from the first time I have mentioned to someone that I was possibly not alright. Fair enough, I was not. But I think I just need some happy pills. Will start taking Vitamine B complexes, because I heard it helps not to be so tired.

So far so good, here is my current plan:

A) Quit Sessions off Campus
B) Maybe See Someone on Campus until December
C) No Meds
D) Vitamin B Complex
E) If I purge, I purge.
F) Work
G) Work out
H) Stop caring about others for a while in terms of having others affect my life and my well-being and I won’t reach out for help anymore at all
I) Stop caring about myself in terms of having it pull me down
J) Put on that Face again

Sounds good. And today I am already doing well.
Actually I think putting on a face is a great thing.
Makes you powerful.

with all my heart

“… the shackled anger I am accustomed to… reflecting on myself… and with every tear there are a thousand more that need to follow so I may climb from the darkness… ” I found this on an ED website

So… I thought about quitting therapy for now with Paula. I cannot afford it. I will look into using at least my free sessions at the University. And then it’s December… and I will go to the intensive Outpatient thing.
I also reconsidered my decision on taking medication.
I will not, because I cannot afford it. So, I have to make it through the next couple of months and then I will be fine. I will have more time to focus on my work if I don’t spend so much time thinking about myself anyway, so that’s another good aspect about quitting. Sometimes I think, I should not even do treatment. Or not now. I could and probably should try to keep fighting on my own and put it off till the summer possibly?
I mean, now I have group and I see Amanda and I think I have the possibility to see a counselor on campus.
So, why should I waste hundreds and hundreds of dollars more on something that has not been helping me anyway. Things got worse and I think they cannot get better if I start worrying about money and time. So, I think there is a reasonable need to put this off. Yes. So I will. And I can do it alone. I am stronger than ever. Today for example I functioned perfectly well. I got up at 6.30, ran 45 minutes, had a good breakfast, worked, did some paperwork also, went to school, had meetings and worked more, had a good lunch, got stuff done, even initiated choir practice and although I did not feel 100percent good, I made it through. I acknowledged my sorrow and pain, but also took pride in my accomplishments.
It was a good and productive day and I want my whole life to be like that and only I can make it be that way and simply because I am strong, I will make it. On my own and with all my heart.

This whole help issue…

… is getting more and more frustrating…

I can’t sleep because I worry so so much.
I basically tried to gain a view over my financial situation… It is so not good. I really don’t need this part of my reality right now. Now, that I have decided that it is best for me to get into more intensive treatment and now that I have understood how bad my situation really is.
With Paula I hit the nail on the head today.
I told her about me reaching out and being rejected by D. I also told her how I want to be indifferent with him. I hate him so much. I just needed him to listen. 5 minutes would have been enough. Ok, so no support from there. Again I invested trust into someone who would eventually reject me if I was needy. And I learned so well not to be needy. I am mastering it. That’s why it is even more disappointing to reflect on what happened Friday. There must be something about me that I always keep falling for the wrong people, that I trust the wrong people and that I end up in painful situations over and over again.
I am so sick of it.
I wished I could finally lift myself out of this deep swallowing dirt, but I cannot do it alone. And Paula reassured me in that also. She also said that not all people were like him and that I have just been very unfortunate in my life in this respect and as a consequence now master acting out indifference. Means of self-protection. But now that I am discovering all this in therapy it does not work this easily anymore, because well-known coping mechanisms are not supposed to be an option and it is just really hard.

So, I also had an appointment at the Physician. Which did not go very well.
My heart rate is very very low. To be exact it is 48. I had an EKG done and need to get lab work done tomorrow. She said it might be that it is that low because I am exercising so much, but taking into account many other symptoms that I have developed, like dizzyness or difficulties to concentrate etc etc… she said that it might even be my heart muscle… So, I don’t know what to think or do about this. I tried to eat super healthy today and did not go to the gym although I have not been now in 2 days and feel horrible about my lazy self.

At any rate, I checked my bank accounts today and despite my excessive lifestyle of the last few months I had to realize that I am broke.
I will have about 300 dollars a months after paying for monthly expenses excluding food and personal enjoyment which I will have to eliminate from now on if I want to do treatment in December/January. I don’t even know how I will be able to do that. Because the Deductible is 250, and then I would have to cover 1750 myself in addition until my insurance covers the rest. So 2000 Dollars to save up from 300 in 3 months. I M P O S S I B L E.

I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do now. Even if I stopped my current treatment now, I would not save the money. And since I have a loan on my car I cannot get another loan. Again, I can’t get help although I need it. And I never asked for help ever in my life so this feels extra frustrating.
I just don’t know what to do.
I want to be happy again.

I hate my life and myself so much for having been so careless about myself. I cannot understand it all anymore. Now I need to sleep but I can’t and I wished I would just wake up in a different world with all my sorrow taken away. I so so hate it to be me. I suck.

Rosenstrasse

I watched this intense movie tonight. It is a German-Dutch production about the Jews during World War II. I don’t want to get into it, but there was this scene when Hannah meets the elderly lady Lena.
But the message is so true.

…
Lena: Ich hab’ uns was zu essen hingestellt. Oder machen Sie gerade eine Diaet?
All diese Jungen Frauen heute machen ja andauernd Abmagerungskuren. Das muss ja ungesund sein, glauben sie nicht? Wir waren ja auch sehr mager damals. Aber ganz gegen unseren Willen. Staendig Hunger. Hunger und Angst. Bitte setzen Sie sich doch. ( all these young women seem to always be dieting. That can’t really be healthy, don’t you think? We were very thin back then too. But against our choice. Always hungry. Hungry and scared.)
Hannah: Die Magersuechtigen Frauen heute haben auch Angst. (anorexic women today are scared, too)
Lena: Ach, ja? Das muessen Sie mir erklaeren. Ich habe Kaffee gemacht. Ist Ihnen das recht?
Hannah: Ja, sehr recht.
Lena: Und wovor haben sie Angst? (What are they scared of?)
Hannah: Ich?
Lena: Nein, sie sehen nicht so aus als seien Sie magersuechtig. (no, you don’t look anorexic)
Hannah: Achso, ich nein. Ich glaube… ich denke diese Maedchen haben Angst vorm Leben. (I believe… I think, these girls are scared of life)
…

We cannot chose when and where we are born. We simply can’t. The circumstances may be all oh-so-different. But I guess “ANGST VOR DEM LEBEN” (being scared of life) is what is the nightmare of so many people. Being always in pain. It is simply destructive for a human soul to fell pain all the time. Being scared is just one of the motifs for this uncontrollable pain, especially if you are scared of life. It is the worst for anyone under any circumstances anywhere in this world. And yet too many people are scared. And I am just one of those many fish in the crying river.
I wished I had the strength to fight it, I wished I could just simply close my eyes towards so many things, but I can’t and for me life is not only this mystery – it is driving me crazy to think about it. Why am I here and who am I? What is the world? I feel like a little kid asking these questions over and over again. How can people not ask about it? Why don’t most people try to figure it out? Why is there good and bad in the world and why do I have to feel this pain in such an extreme that it is tearing my soul and heart out at one and the same second?

I am just scared.
I just want to be happy.

Hello, Me! #1

Hello world, this is Me!

At least I am on my way to separate from her (Bulimia) and I’m cutting her out to find my true self.
I gave you a chance to look inside of me in my posts on this blog. I did not leave out the negative days on which I was devastated, binged my pain away and purged my heart out, and yet I will finally try to focus more on my positive side. I can be sad if I want to, yes, but I want to prove myself and the world that there is more to me than this sensitive, emotional and breakable self that relies so much on self-pity, self-rejection, self-hate and self-destruction, that she (Bulimia) has created. She created this self in order to protect my true self, I am sure, but she has taken it to far. I don’t need to be protected from the real world. Not anymore. Yes, that is what the true Me was scared of: the world. Because Me didn’t know what part she is playing in it, Me doesn’t know why she is here, why she is who she is and what makes her real. But eventually I will figure this out.

I had a date yesterday. I don’t want this guy and I told him. However, we still went to see a movie. It was so awkward. Not because I had told him that I did not want to date him and not because I told him again how I miss my ex boyfriend but it was simply awkward inside of me. I was sitting next to him and my mind took off.
If I could have talked to myself it would have sounded like this:

Me: What am I doing here? I don’t want to be here.
Inner Voice: Where, here? You can get up and leave.
Me: I could, but I don’t even know where I should go. What I should do?
Inner Voice: You are lost.
Me: I am.
Inner voice: You could go home and eat, and feel good.
Me: No, that is not why I am feeling bad. I don’t know where I belong. Do I really want to be here? What am I doing? Where is this leading?
Inner voice: You just have to be perfect, finish your work and you will succeed.
Me: I am trying, but I feel like I will lose. I’ve always lost in my life. But all I want is to be happy.

… it went on and on. Then after the movie I started thinking again about if I consider myself happy in this society or in Germany. And it is so strange to think about this. I miss Germany, the country, Europe, the people, my friends, family, but I love America, too. And I never really have a perfect time while I am in Germany. It is so unreal, but when I am here I want to escape to Germany and when I am in Germany I long to be back in the States.
… only when I am in the mountains I feel whole. And it doesn’t matter where the mountains are. I just need to be surrounded by nature’s mightiest power. I feel safe. I need to go back tot he mountains. I need to escape.

It’s all about Heimat. I mean, in defintion my Heimat is Germany. The place where I was born and raised, but I have made so many painful and in a way traumatic experiences there, that I probably felt like escaping that world. Try to find my very own Heimat.
Home is where your heart is, I guess. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to figure it out.
Maybe that is why I am seeking to find true love so badly? Because if my heart would know where it belongs, it would not matter to me anymore where I was.
Only then, I feel and fear, I would know where I belong.

But, I wished, I was selfish enough as to say that I want to be happy for myself in first place. I want to be happy with the choices I make for myself, and I want to be free and independent in the things I do.
I saw that in Daniel. I admired him for the way he is, and I told him that. For me, I told him, he is perfect. Even though I realized now that perfection is nothing I should strive for. Or is it?
Well, not as long as it is hindering you to be who you are.
And my perfectionism is part of what she had created.
Yet I am a little confused by the term p e r f e c t i o n i s m … I mean, it sounds so positive, so light and so powerful, but all it has done to me is f a i l u r e.
How is that possible? It is messed up, just like my life.

I feel finding Me is not as easy.
I am afraid of Me.
I scared of the way to Me.

How shall I approach this? I wished there was a manual. Like a 10-step booklet or so. I would die to have it.

Heartbroken

“This is very painful”. Is what my psychologist said a lot today. I don’t know. I mean I know it is. My life is a pain in the butt. Has always been like that. Although I remember that when I was younger (I don’t exactly remember when that was) but I remember that I was thinking at some point in my life that I can be very grateful to be me. I must have been comparing myself to someone who was even more miserable than me.
Anyways, today we mainly talked about Daniel and the break-up, although I originally wanted to talk about something else. But maybe it was good it went this direction.
But it is making me feel miserable right now. I want to forget about him (although I don’t really want to, I better say I need to).
She asked me again what it was that I liked about him.
It’s not his physical appearance, well, this came along with it later and now I think he is the most attractive guy I have ever met in my life. Anyway, we did not talk much about attraction and also did not touch the issue of sexuality, which I was thinking about bringing up. For some reason though I didn’t. Maybe I still need to establish more trust to her. I am scared about how open I already am. I don’t want anybody to know me really. I feel ashamed about my life and my feelings.

Alright, so what is it that I liked about him. At first it was kind of difficult for me to put into words, what exactly it is, because who needs reasons to like someone? For me he is just very special. He was the one initiating everything that was there between us.
(This is what I wrote down in my diary that one day before I met him again to talk:

“This pain is so bad. My soul is crying rivers for I have lost you. I feel like a failure. I’m so hurt and it’s killing me… I wished I never met you and I wished I never let you in my life.
You were the one talking to me on the bus.
You asked me for my name, for my number.
You called me that same night.
You fascinated me by the way you are.
You let me glimpse into your life.
You kissed me that same, second night.
You blew my mind away.
You made love to me.
You called me again.
You wanted to spend time with me.
You let me room for myself.
You introduced me to your friends.
You came with me to meet my friends.
You made love to me again.
You helped me lose my fear.
You helped me let go.

And for all that I never even asked for.
I was happy I met you.

You said I was beautiful.
You said I was perfect.
You said you liked me.
You said you’ll wait for me in the summer.
You said you miss me.

You asked me to call.
You asked me to email.

You made me happy when you talked to me.
You made me happy with every little message.
You made me feel special.

So I told you about myself. My struggles with sexuality and my body.
You listened to my fears.
You would tell me about your life and I was fascinated even more.
You seemed to care.
I thought it was right to have trusted you.

You called me in the middle of the night.
You asked me to visit you in Sweden.
You called me beautiful again.
You called me perfect again.
You were drunk.
You had forgotten your words the next day.

I was disappointed.
I was hurt.
Was it all a lie?
I got scared.

From there it turned around.
I would pressure you.
But I would sabbotage you.
I was not myself anymore.

So then…

You would not call anymore.
You would not talk to me anymore.
You would answer in one-line-responses only.
You would be bothered.

I would bother.
I would not be me.

You would tell me what you thought I was thinking.
You would tell me what you thought I wanted.
You would tell me what you thought I needed.
You would not listen to what I said anymore.
You would not care anymore.
You would not share your life with me anymore.

I had lost you.
I hated myself for knowing I have challenged this to happen.
I felt stupid for my own acts.
I was disappointed in myself.
I was hurt.
And I still am.
And I miss you in my life, although I wished you never entered it in first place, for now all what’s left is pain and guilt.”

That’s pretty much the story of Daniel and me.
The main thing is though, which makes it so hard for me to accept, that he does not want me, that I felt this connection between the two of us. Just now, when I think about him I feel this closeness to him and that’s what’s tearing my heart. That’s what is breaking it. I wished I could turn back time.
I don’t want to control him,and I don’t need much attention. But I did control him in scaring him away and I hate myself for doing so.

Okay, I will stop here,because it is depressing me. Also, I think I need to say a few words on how this has an impact on my ED.
In my earlier posts you already see that I said that this pain – this break-up – has caused me to be pushed back into Bulimia’s arms. And Paula actually agreed on that. She said, that this is one of the situations I would turn to bulimia. And yet I know she is right. I know it and I still end up in front of the toilet. I know stress, and especially emotional stress is causing me to turn to food. It soothes my pain. Even though I know… only temporarily. And that’s painful, too, because it makes me feel even worse after purging. But I would be obese if I would not purge and if I was obese… Well, actually if I was, I would have never met Daniel, I would not be where I am right now. I probably would have eaten myself to death.
Oh, my life is a mess.

Paula asked me how I see myself if I run into Daniel again, or how I want to see myself. Of course, I want to show him how strong I really am, and that I can live without him, but this is just this face I put on.
This is the face I always use. I pretty much use it to repress my feelings.
Today I did something very unusual.
I told my friend during the lunch break how that I still miss him.
But she does not understand. She does not know all the other factors that play in here, like my ED that he knows about and all that stuff connected to sexuality. So, it was not very helpful to talk to her, but at least I did?!

I just don’t want to accept that it is over, because it is so painful already.
And he has never said that he didn’t want me. He just said it was not a good idea to try it and that I needed to focus on myself. Why can’t he say directly that I am not what he wants and needs? Why does he have to push the responsibility of all this on to me? i
I’m going to go crazy on this thought.
I miss him so much.

Feeling my emotions… not.

I guess, I figured something new out last night.
I had a pretty intense day. Work, suffering, self-controlling, loneliness, reflecting, thinking… and again realizing.
I watched two highly intense movies and sometimes I believe that I should write screenplays myself. I would fucking kick ass and get it right to the point. Or I should keep on writing novels, poetry and music for no other audience than my very own little self.

Anyway, I realized something extremely distressing and attritional last night…
I never really let my emotions out. I have them all locked up deep down inside me and I always try to repress them. No matter what it is. I mean, I cannot cry, I cannot laugh with all my heart, I cannot relax and enjoy myself (although I am trying hard sometimes), I cannot tell people when I dislike or like them, nor do I think have I ever told my parents I loved them. I believe it is because of all those mixed feelings I have in general. I feel a lot of things but only projected onto myself in comparison to other or especially to other situations. It is not easy to stay alive. When I was younger I thought a lot about running away or even suicide. I cut my arms, but for some reason (and actually I am glad I couldn’t) I could not cut deep enough. It is awful to be me. I am so full of shame and guilt and anger and yet I know that deep down inside of me there is something else. Someone else. I am so opposite on the inside than on the outside.
Probably if you would ask my friends, family or random people I crossed paths with in my life they would probably describe me as:

fun, outgoing, sweet, caring, stubborn, snobby, arrogant, sarcastic, “zum Pferde stehlen”, well-mannered, moral, perfectionistic, determined, independent, courageous.

But I am not. It’s just my “world-faceto say: Hello world,I am wonderful. I am fine. I fit in.”
I am full of anger, pain, self-hatred, self-pity, self-destruction, self-doubt and guilt. I am alone. And I am a lost romantic who thought she had found that special someone and failed.

I wished I could let my feelings out and embrace the world.
I feel like this journal turns out to be so pessimistic, but I try hard to be more optimistic in life. It is hard. I need someone who guides me through this. How can you let your emotions reveal if you are being rejected, disappointed and hurt? How can you really know what you are feeling if you are not willing to take the risk of accepting it?
But how can you accept feelings if they are being relentlessly perished.
I am so ashamed of my own feelings because they create so much misery within me.
Why do I fail, why do my emotions travel in the wrong lane all the time? Always ready to get hit or smashed or killed. I guess it’s me who went astray.

Maybe I need to confess to my feelings and let them out?
It is not easy because then I will be even more vulnerable, especially others and the world can bruise me then. Don’t I need to protect myself from that? Or is that harm maybe half as evil as the harm I am causing myself already, each and every day?

I know my thoughts may seem kind of off to you, but those who have had a struggle like that may be able to follow my thoughts. Life is tough. But we are in it and we have to deal with it. Life will never be easy. But I believe, that once you find someone who truly understands you and who you can truly trust, someone you can give all your heart to knowing it will be fine, I believe at that point I will be fine.

Self doubts and destruction

Ok, I know i don’t find myself in the toilet, but still I always turn to it in times like… tonight… I can’t believed I screwed this day of structured eating… It was actually a really good day… and I ruined all my efforts. Of course, I feel horrible, and worthless. It is embarrassing most of al towards my own self that I again chose to purge instead of sitting down looking inside myself to finally reveal the reasons. One thing I learned tonight, structured eating during the day does not help me overcome the nights. My problem is just too deep, too painful, and too strongly attached to m true self that it is just so difficult to tear it off and throw it apart. I always try when I purge my heart and soul out but all it leaves is more damage. No cure, no solution to the problem.
I want to be myself so badly and I want to be happy. Happy with who I am. But I don’t know who that is. Who am I?
It feels like there is this neverending battle inside of me fought by my true self and the self I was raised to be, the one I am supposed to be – probably the one my true self despises and hates, just like I hate me. Maybe my true self is loveable and pure.
Why do I have to struggle so badly?
I think this was one of the triggers why tonight failed me in making this day worthy… I was with 3 friends and we also went to Ikea and out for dinner, so I was constantly reminded on what I am not. I saw many happy couples shopping for furniture, I saw happy families; momma running ater the 3 year old who just did what came to his mind not caring about anyone or anything around him, so free. I was reminded on how stressed I am. What was I thinking not be working? And then going for dinner. Everyone enjyoing the food, laughing, not caring about how many calories the dish had, or that this spoon was actually the one telling me that now it did not matter anymore… I would purge anyway… I hate that. I cannot enjoy food at all, I cannot enjoy the time with my friends, because all I can think of from one point on is: home, purge.

The last time I can remember that I truly enjoyed food and eating was with Daniel not too long ago… I made dinner with him or we went to Mandola’s. I did not care about food at all. Just being with him made me really happy.
Can someone be happy alone? Wouldn’t that be selfish?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy just by making someone else happy? i thought I did make him happy, but I was wrong and that hurts so much. How can I be so wrong in everything I do, in everything I perceive, in everything I think… in the way I am.

Krajina - Eduard Tomek