Dining out

… probably even with family members or friends is one of the most difficult things to do when you are a Bulimic. While everyone seems to enjoy their dish all you are concerned about is either calories, weight gain, not to get caught, not to overeat, not to be socially awkward or you are simply trapped in your own thoughts – your mind – of how not to turn this into a binge or in this “will I/should I just purge” self-questioning scenario…
This creates a lot of stress around the situation, the food, yourself. No wonder, we usually end up in the bathroom.

While I know that this will always be very difficult, I thought about some guidelines to help overcome a possible b/p. This may also help in your learning or recovery process.

1. Don’t worry about what your friends think about your choices. If you want a salad, have a salad, if you want a burger you may even have that one. (You know how forbidden food leads to binges)

2. Eat slowly and chew well. It will not only help you to digest better, but also to get full (that healthy full we usually don’t realize anymore) faster.

3. If you are done, you are done. It does not matter if you ate 1/2 or the entire menue. Who cares? It’s your body.

4. If you have reached the point at which you think, you have overeaten already, stop. I mean STOP. Don’t think “Oh, well, now it is too late anyway…now I need to purge anyway so I can have some more” You don’t have to purge just because you ate too much ONCE. Probably you haven’t even eaten too much, but you simply feel full.

5. Talk. If you talk a lot you slow down on the eating.

6. Always drink water in between bites. It helps digestion big time.

7. Enjoy the food. (I know this is a tough one)

8. Enjoy the company. You decided to go with them, so here you are.

9. Don’t take left-overs home. Unless you are 100% sure you won’t binge on them (for me 90% of the times in the past I did).

10. Remind yourself of how beautiful, unique and confident you are. You can make miracles happen.

Hope this helps.
Fight Bulimia.
Stay strong!

Self doubts and destruction

Ok, I know i don’t find myself in the toilet, but still I always turn to it in times like… tonight… I can’t believed I screwed this day of structured eating… It was actually a really good day… and I ruined all my efforts. Of course, I feel horrible, and worthless. It is embarrassing most of al towards my own self that I again chose to purge instead of sitting down looking inside myself to finally reveal the reasons. One thing I learned tonight, structured eating during the day does not help me overcome the nights. My problem is just too deep, too painful, and too strongly attached to m true self that it is just so difficult to tear it off and throw it apart. I always try when I purge my heart and soul out but all it leaves is more damage. No cure, no solution to the problem.
I want to be myself so badly and I want to be happy. Happy with who I am. But I don’t know who that is. Who am I?
It feels like there is this neverending battle inside of me fought by my true self and the self I was raised to be, the one I am supposed to be – probably the one my true self despises and hates, just like I hate me. Maybe my true self is loveable and pure.
Why do I have to struggle so badly?
I think this was one of the triggers why tonight failed me in making this day worthy… I was with 3 friends and we also went to Ikea and out for dinner, so I was constantly reminded on what I am not. I saw many happy couples shopping for furniture, I saw happy families; momma running ater the 3 year old who just did what came to his mind not caring about anyone or anything around him, so free. I was reminded on how stressed I am. What was I thinking not be working? And then going for dinner. Everyone enjyoing the food, laughing, not caring about how many calories the dish had, or that this spoon was actually the one telling me that now it did not matter anymore… I would purge anyway… I hate that. I cannot enjoy food at all, I cannot enjoy the time with my friends, because all I can think of from one point on is: home, purge.

The last time I can remember that I truly enjoyed food and eating was with Daniel not too long ago… I made dinner with him or we went to Mandola’s. I did not care about food at all. Just being with him made me really happy.
Can someone be happy alone? Wouldn’t that be selfish?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy just by making someone else happy? i thought I did make him happy, but I was wrong and that hurts so much. How can I be so wrong in everything I do, in everything I perceive, in everything I think… in the way I am.

Krajina - Eduard Tomek