I feel wonderful!
I have no clue why. It must be the medication, but I don’t care, because I just don’t worry as much.
It’s probably the placebo effect, but I do not care at all. I will be fine. I really will and if I won’t I don’t care either. It cannot get worse from what it just was the last couple of months. Holy cow, if I look back, I feel sad in a way. I had such a horrible time. And why the hell do I care about a guy so much? A guy who is just lost himself? He cannot deal with people who suffer… I mean what is up with that? I learned to be there for people who are in need and I feel like it is a quality to do so and I am not necessarily talking about sacrificing yourself to the good of someone else but I am talking about genuine help that comes from the bottom of one’s heart. And everybody needs some kind of care. Those who think they don’t are truly lost souls in this cruel world. No one should be going through this place alone. I feel sorry for those who tried and yes, I perfectly qualify for that type myself, but realizing that it is a struggle that only results in pain makes me see how important solidarity is. Strong community with people you care about and that care about you is what counts in the end.
Anyway, enough “philosophical” ideas here.
I have not been exercising in a week which feels bad, but I will be fine.
I have eaten too much in a week which feels bad, but I will be fine.
I have drank too much in the evenings, but I will be fine.
I had a bad conversation with my advisor, but I will be fine.
Who cares?
etc etc etc
These were the two sides my therapist and I discussed today…
She said it must be really hard to have this internal back-and-forth going on.
It is, but it does help in a way not to obsess with the bad thoughts… but I understand her critique on how this can eventually backfire… and it does… but I have no clue how to deal with my disappointments, my discontentment, my unhappiness or even self renunciation in another way. I really don’t. I just feel like I have been dissatisfied enough. Enough at least, to waste more energy on it.
I was a bit confused after I left today and again I wished I could fully recall what we had discusses but it fades away too fast. It’s almost like I try not to further think about it. I could use my time with her way more efficient, but I am still very insecure and nervous and I had so many thoughts crossing my mind… especially when we got to the point where we talked about men in my life.
I think I even lied. I feel like I lie a lot to not sound miserable or to hide other things. Maybe I should mention those issues sometime?
I don’t know. I feel scared, that my constructed “heile Welt” as we would call it in Germany – which would translate to something like “ideal world” – is not as good as I made it to be. That once I start breaking the lies, my whole world will crash down on me. And then I am so unsure about how it will be like when I switch to Cedar Springs? Will I still see her? Or will I have to start over telling my story to another therapist?
I don’t know. Too many people know too much about me already and it feels like they may even know more about me than myself…
I guess I am scared.