live life with self-compassion

Another month has passed and I have made great progress. Strange. But I feel good. I feel calm, more at ease. I can’t deny that I have bad days still, or sometimes feel like I just want to hide or disappear, but I have developed a kind of strength that helps me fight. It’s a good feeling to know that I can actually be in control. Not over my actions, but over my thoughts and feelings in and about life. Bulimia and Anorexia were not really giving me strength. I controlled my food intake with Ana, and with Mia I was able to escape feelings. Back and forth… But at what cost? I lost sense of self. I got lost in a world concerned with calories, exercise,fear of food, comparison, negativity and self-destructive perfectionism and behaviors. Risking my life actually. Suicidal thoughts, blackouts, fatigue, depression, irritability… Did I really want that? I was just mislead. I thought that in the end all would be perfect. I would be perfect. Such a lie. Such wrong thinking. Lost living.
I would have never been perfect enough, but most likely would I have lost everything, including my life. I have risked a lot and I have lost a lot, but today I am able to take a step back. I am so thankful for recovery and everyone who had contributed to it. My nutritionist, who helped me back up, who basically has saved my life. My therapist who I have resisted a lot but who lead me on the right way. Cedar Springs and all the wonderful people I met there. Without this path of recovery I would not be where I am right now. And I should give credit to my own self: without my will to fight I wouldn’t be either. Even though it still feels strange, in a way even a little bit pretentious, to talk kindly to myself, to accept imperfection and to just be me, I can say already that I am about to embrace life. I’m on a new path, using healthier tolls, relying on my true self. Yet I don’t know my true self, but that’s life’s challenge, and isn’t it exciting to be the witness of your own evolving self? Every day provides the opportunity to reveal another part of yourself, to reflect, to love and to live. I am in a place now where I can allow all these negative feelings, because I am learning to accept them as an essential part of life. Without pain we would not even know what happiness feels like. Can’t pain be positive? Sounds like an oxymoron, but it’s all in my hand. Self-compassion towards myself is the key to well-being. After a long and dangerous journey I have finally found the key, now I have to travel back to unlock my potentials. But on the way back, I am looking ahead, I keep my head up high and my eyes open. I may stumble, I may fall, but I will not lose faith.

May I be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be healthy.
May I live at ease.

I have to add what I just read in my horoscope (I am not superstitious but this one gives me daily messages that are actually very empowering, kind of like positive affirmations) it fits well to what I just said earlier:
Add a little spice to your life, Capricorn. If your experiences have all seemed a bit bland lately, it may be time to step out of your comfort zone and invigorate your sense of self. You do tend to get yourself in a rut every now and then, and then you stay trapped there until someone or something comes along to shake things up. But this time you need to be the mover and the shaker, and to set a new and more positive pattern for adapting and evolving. If you’re stuck in a groove, it’s up to you to change things.

Life is different…but ED is still there

… and the sad thing may even be that I don’t want Ed to be gone. I always denied that Ed functions like a friend, but he does. While I used to talk about evil Bulimia, I have to revise my opinion… but who I mean with Ed is Ana and my excessive exercising. I miss losing weight, something that did not really happen when I was bulimic. I miss working out for hours and stepping on the scale the next morning feeling good about myself and going for another run… I really miss all the miserableness Ed brought me. Maybe I just don’t want myself to be happy? Maybe I need the pain?
But… therapy was no pain. I liked intensive treatment. I felt like I belonged there. I was part of it. I had a role, being the sick one. Even if only for myself. I enjoyed the role. I hated it when I had to tell people in my life, because I don’t like labeling, but had to label myself as bulimic, anorexic, excessive exerciser, cutter, suicidal… at treatment those labels were ok. But in real life… people don’t understand it. Or let’s say most people don’t and even though some could they don’t because they are avoiding thoughts that actually go farther than “what will I watch on TV tonight”…

So, for now, I know I need to keep on going with this different life.
I am happy. I am getting married, and I love this man incredibly much and I feel his love, but love does not keep you alive. Food does… and to get food you need a job… so there is the cycle. Love is tied to conditions that are under external forces. I can influence how I approach these, like what job I’ll take or where I buy my food and what but in the end it’s not in my hands, it’s the community. And unfortunately communities are lacking stability and you fear insecurity and loss.
However, I can control not to eat and to go for a run. I can control the external force namely the scale and it makes me feel so good that I feel sad to think about letting go of this.

Where to post.. BULIMIA IS BACK

I DON’T KNOW IF I should be posting in my actual recovery blog.
I FEEL LIKE I am falling so far back that it would be wrong.
I haven’t been posting in a long long time.
I thought I was on my way to recovery, but tonight I learned I am not.
I had a relapse. Big time. I hate myself. I am so disgusting. I want my weight back, my low weight of course. Everything was better then…. Not really, and I know that, and still want to go back there.
What has caused this?
I ran into D. Friday morning…. I got an email from my Prof friday night…. I got drunk again Friday night…. I feel like A. is distancing herself from me…. other “friends” are too… I feel like I don’t belong… I feel like I am not getting anywhere…. I am getting lost though….
I don’t know what to do. I mean, I know what I should do, but I cannot make myself do.
I am so scared.
I am so scared I will fail, but this way I am setting myself already up to fail. It is so wrong. I am wrong.
I have suicidal thoughts again… and then these thoughts about my childhood.
I am wrong.
I should not live on. Should I?
My cat loves me.
But I am shaking.
I don’t know what to do.
I am so lost in this world.
Even my boyfriend was disconnected from me today.
I asked him what was wrong but he said it was nothing…. but I felt there was something.
I AM SO FUCKING SENSITIVE….. i HATE MYSELF.

Fighting B/P urges and the rest of the world

Difficulties. It’s a time of difficulties again. I’m close to relapse… if I can actually call it that…
I think I need to conduct a review of my current ED situation. So, here is where I was – let’s say – 2 months ago:

Alternation between totally B/P free and B/P heavy weeks.

The heavy weeks were characterized by B/P or P alone up to 5 times a day.
In addition I would purge by running.

The B/P free weeks were characterized by starving during the day and total control at night.
In addition to the morning run I would also walk extra far and swim in the evening.

I lost 15Ibs in a month and a half.
I felt awful.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I felt worthless.
I put myself down.
I lied to others.
I would not be me.
I spend hours at one task.
I felt alone.
I felt hopeless.
I felt hurt and bruised.
I lost Daniel.
I lost a friend.

And now?!
I have an eating disorder that is not only bulimic, but also anorexic.
I have body image distortion.
I have depression.
I have anxiety.
I have bad mood swings.
I am scared of food.
I want to be thin.
I want to live.
I want to be me.
I sometimes have hope.
I sometimes feel good.
I sometimes think I can make it.
But
I still starve.
I still overexercise.
I still worry too much about food, my body and weight.
I don’t know my weight. It is driving me crazy, but I am strong and I don’t check my weight at the gym. Blind checks are done when I see Amanda. It’s driving me crazy. I feel fat. I feel every gramm I gain.
I still feel the need to be perfect.
I still want to please everyone else.
I still feel alone at times.
I still miss Daniel.

But I want to love myself.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be passionate.
I want to live my life.
I want people to acknowledge me for who I am.
And I want it now…

I need to learn to be patient.
I need to learn to be alone.
I need to learn that failure is ok.
I need to learn that noone is perfect.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to eat.
I need to acknowledge myself.
I need to be conscious of my life and the world.
I need to find inner peace.
I need to focus.
I need to recover.
And I need to understand that I have to do this for myself and only for myself.

So, I guess, what this shows me, is that I am still in the midst of my ED. The ED is the driving force of my life and I need to slowly detach her. I need to slowly find my own way and I need to finally live again. I miss my life. I remember I had a life at some point when I was younger, when I would not B/P. I miss it.
Should I go somewhere else?
Should I teach in some remote village somewhere on this planet voluntarily?
I feel like and I always felt like I am here on this planet to help others who are off worse. Why is it so hard to help? What do I have to do? I should go to South America. I want to help others. How? I have so much love to give.

Or would I run away from myself again?

God, I miss him

I just miss him so much in my life.
It felt so good to see him at first.
I wondered though if he reads my blogs. I don’t think so, but sometimes he says things, that I have been thinking about in here and I wonder, does he say it because he read it on here or does he say it because he jsut thought the same.
However, I got really mad at him today, I told him I was lonely, and that I soimetimes need someone to talk to when I am really needy. And he tells me to call a support hotline. What the fuck. First, I don’t want to call a fucking support hotline. I don’t waste money on that. second, that is not what I need. I don’t just need to talk. I need to talk to someone who knows me and cares because of me. Some anonymous situation on the phone is ridiculous, I could get in touch with people on BulimihaHelp or whatever instead and it would be better. But a fucking hotline? It’s not helpful at all. my life is too complicated to tell someone on the phone. If I am needy, in times I am really down, I don’t need someone to tell everything, I just need someone who can hold me and reassure me that I belong on this planet, that not all is wasted. I am not asking for pity. I am just asking for direct and immediate support. And I don’t want to bother him, for he knows how much I miss him… It just is so hard to forget about him. And I really try. I even just try to find another guy to hang out with but it does not work… I trust him so much. It is ridiculous.
And all the things he says are the things I tell myself and yet I cannot incorporate it.

I want to be myself again….

I had to leave fast … I got so upset… I did not want to vent out on him, so I decided it would be better to leave soon. And as soon as I had turned the car around I started crying and I had really bad suicidal thoughts. I hit the road towards Mount Bonnell. I got there and sat on the cliffs. Crying. I sent him a message and we messaged a little back and forth. I cried and cried. and it was good I went there, also I was seriously thinking about jumping down. So scary to think about that now… I mean, I was so emotionally unstable in those moments. But I was stronger. I di not. I am home now typing this. And I feel so ripped up. I feel so split in a half. The one half wants the other half back and be one real perosn the other half is scared of the work and the pain.
And that side is stronger most times.
I am so scared.

Maybe a good day

I realized that I have not been posting so positively anymore.
After all I have to beat this and go on with my life in a constructive way.
I know I can do it. It is inside of me. I just have to wake up first. And I shall not try to find someone who could possibly do that for me.
It is a lot of work, too, so I will need a little bit of time to figure it all out, and make it work.

For today, I will proceed the way Paula suggested and go step by step.
I am actually going to see her today and I will talk to her a little more about getting meds to speed up the process. I mean, I don’t like the idea at all, but after having talked to a few more people and reading about it, I believe that it might really be helpful, especially because I have been thinking extremely negative about life in general lately and I actually don’t want to. I mean, I don’t think I could ever commit suicide, but just thinking about how worthless I feel and how I don’t see a purpose in life really… I mean, that’s just scary.
I don’t want that. I want to be that fun, confident, sweet girl I know is in me somewhere. I might be a bit crazy to, but in a good way.

Today, I will be fine.

Feeling my emotions… not.

I guess, I figured something new out last night.
I had a pretty intense day. Work, suffering, self-controlling, loneliness, reflecting, thinking… and again realizing.
I watched two highly intense movies and sometimes I believe that I should write screenplays myself. I would fucking kick ass and get it right to the point. Or I should keep on writing novels, poetry and music for no other audience than my very own little self.

Anyway, I realized something extremely distressing and attritional last night…
I never really let my emotions out. I have them all locked up deep down inside me and I always try to repress them. No matter what it is. I mean, I cannot cry, I cannot laugh with all my heart, I cannot relax and enjoy myself (although I am trying hard sometimes), I cannot tell people when I dislike or like them, nor do I think have I ever told my parents I loved them. I believe it is because of all those mixed feelings I have in general. I feel a lot of things but only projected onto myself in comparison to other or especially to other situations. It is not easy to stay alive. When I was younger I thought a lot about running away or even suicide. I cut my arms, but for some reason (and actually I am glad I couldn’t) I could not cut deep enough. It is awful to be me. I am so full of shame and guilt and anger and yet I know that deep down inside of me there is something else. Someone else. I am so opposite on the inside than on the outside.
Probably if you would ask my friends, family or random people I crossed paths with in my life they would probably describe me as:

fun, outgoing, sweet, caring, stubborn, snobby, arrogant, sarcastic, “zum Pferde stehlen”, well-mannered, moral, perfectionistic, determined, independent, courageous.

But I am not. It’s just my “world-faceto say: Hello world,I am wonderful. I am fine. I fit in.”
I am full of anger, pain, self-hatred, self-pity, self-destruction, self-doubt and guilt. I am alone. And I am a lost romantic who thought she had found that special someone and failed.

I wished I could let my feelings out and embrace the world.
I feel like this journal turns out to be so pessimistic, but I try hard to be more optimistic in life. It is hard. I need someone who guides me through this. How can you let your emotions reveal if you are being rejected, disappointed and hurt? How can you really know what you are feeling if you are not willing to take the risk of accepting it?
But how can you accept feelings if they are being relentlessly perished.
I am so ashamed of my own feelings because they create so much misery within me.
Why do I fail, why do my emotions travel in the wrong lane all the time? Always ready to get hit or smashed or killed. I guess it’s me who went astray.

Maybe I need to confess to my feelings and let them out?
It is not easy because then I will be even more vulnerable, especially others and the world can bruise me then. Don’t I need to protect myself from that? Or is that harm maybe half as evil as the harm I am causing myself already, each and every day?

I know my thoughts may seem kind of off to you, but those who have had a struggle like that may be able to follow my thoughts. Life is tough. But we are in it and we have to deal with it. Life will never be easy. But I believe, that once you find someone who truly understands you and who you can truly trust, someone you can give all your heart to knowing it will be fine, I believe at that point I will be fine.

Some online research on EDS

Ok, as I usually do when I am fighting the urge to binge/purge I browse the web to find distraction and advice, or simply a good reason not to….

here we go:

Celebs who died from an ED

FROM SC, USA

Bulimia is the #1 death among EDS

Take my advice, don’t ever start it!! Get help even if you think about it once…