Hello, Me! #1

Hello world, this is Me!

At least I am on my way to separate from her (Bulimia) and I’m cutting her out to find my true self.
I gave you a chance to look inside of me in my posts on this blog. I did not leave out the negative days on which I was devastated, binged my pain away and purged my heart out, and yet I will finally try to focus more on my positive side. I can be sad if I want to, yes, but I want to prove myself and the world that there is more to me than this sensitive, emotional and breakable self that relies so much on self-pity, self-rejection, self-hate and self-destruction, that she (Bulimia) has created. She created this self in order to protect my true self, I am sure, but she has taken it to far. I don’t need to be protected from the real world. Not anymore. Yes, that is what the true Me was scared of: the world. Because Me didn’t know what part she is playing in it, Me doesn’t know why she is here, why she is who she is and what makes her real. But eventually I will figure this out.

I had a date yesterday. I don’t want this guy and I told him. However, we still went to see a movie. It was so awkward. Not because I had told him that I did not want to date him and not because I told him again how I miss my ex boyfriend but it was simply awkward inside of me. I was sitting next to him and my mind took off.
If I could have talked to myself it would have sounded like this:

Me: What am I doing here? I don’t want to be here.
Inner Voice: Where, here? You can get up and leave.
Me: I could, but I don’t even know where I should go. What I should do?
Inner Voice: You are lost.
Me: I am.
Inner voice: You could go home and eat, and feel good.
Me: No, that is not why I am feeling bad. I don’t know where I belong. Do I really want to be here? What am I doing? Where is this leading?
Inner voice: You just have to be perfect, finish your work and you will succeed.
Me: I am trying, but I feel like I will lose. I’ve always lost in my life. But all I want is to be happy.

… it went on and on. Then after the movie I started thinking again about if I consider myself happy in this society or in Germany. And it is so strange to think about this. I miss Germany, the country, Europe, the people, my friends, family, but I love America, too. And I never really have a perfect time while I am in Germany. It is so unreal, but when I am here I want to escape to Germany and when I am in Germany I long to be back in the States.
… only when I am in the mountains I feel whole. And it doesn’t matter where the mountains are. I just need to be surrounded by nature’s mightiest power. I feel safe. I need to go back tot he mountains. I need to escape.

It’s all about Heimat. I mean, in defintion my Heimat is Germany. The place where I was born and raised, but I have made so many painful and in a way traumatic experiences there, that I probably felt like escaping that world. Try to find my very own Heimat.
Home is where your heart is, I guess. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to figure it out.
Maybe that is why I am seeking to find true love so badly? Because if my heart would know where it belongs, it would not matter to me anymore where I was.
Only then, I feel and fear, I would know where I belong.

But, I wished, I was selfish enough as to say that I want to be happy for myself in first place. I want to be happy with the choices I make for myself, and I want to be free and independent in the things I do.
I saw that in Daniel. I admired him for the way he is, and I told him that. For me, I told him, he is perfect. Even though I realized now that perfection is nothing I should strive for. Or is it?
Well, not as long as it is hindering you to be who you are.
And my perfectionism is part of what she had created.
Yet I am a little confused by the term p e r f e c t i o n i s m … I mean, it sounds so positive, so light and so powerful, but all it has done to me is f a i l u r e.
How is that possible? It is messed up, just like my life.

I feel finding Me is not as easy.
I am afraid of Me.
I scared of the way to Me.

How shall I approach this? I wished there was a manual. Like a 10-step booklet or so. I would die to have it.

Everyone is beautiful

Yes, the heading is correct. It is me speaking! Me! Not Bulimia!
We shall use this day to show how beautiful we all are in our very own special ways. It is inside us all. Oppressed by false ideas around beauty as presented to us from our society, colored by the painters of fashion magazines and Hollywood, influenced by the people who raised us, who we met throughout life, who have hurt us, who have diasappointed us, from whom we have learned not to trust, not even our own self…

But we are our own artists, aren’t we?
And what would this world be like if we all would be and look the same? If we all experienced the same? If we all reacted the same?
We don’t want that, we want to express our own special, true selves.

So, this recovery again feels like this journey to my true self and I am so happy today is such a day. I may be anxious about tomorrow, but for today I will embrace everything, I will not judge, I will just receive.
It feels strange, but deep down inside me there is this powerful young lady ready to rock the world. Ready to untie the knots, throw away the bonds an be free. Independent. Me.

Keep it up everyone!
We can do it!
We just have to keep going. Step by step.

Feeling strangely good and powerful!

… at this moment, I can say that.
Mood swings perhaps.
Sometimes I really don’t know who is talking out of me.
Bulimia’s voice is usually very loud, demanding and strong.
When I read through my earlier post of today I can feel the pain. I start to get used to it. I am not bingeing, I am not purging. I am just sitting here, being sad about it. Sitting here, thinking about how to overcome this. I cannot find a plausible way to do so, because deep inside me there is this spark of hope and I fear that this spark is what is making me feel good.
Life is tough.
But all I want is to be happy.
And tonight I will not let Bulimia put me down. I have been sad enough today, I will go to bed now, fighting the uprising urge to purge and sleep instead. Get some rest and start a new day. 4th day in a row of no b/p and in fact of structured eating, one of the well-known enemies I have to make friends with on my journey.
I need to get my fighting spirit back.
I will cut out Bulimia – out of my body, out of my mind, out of everything. She will always be a part of my life but not a part of me anymore.

Everyone who is struggling, keep the faith in your chivalrous self!!! We are secret knights fighting the beast that’s controlling us. We will win and take over control.
We are stronger. Even stronger than we would have ever thought!

I am still doing great!

I had a full blown lunch today!! Soup and a panini!! I have to admit though that I did not have breakfast; only coffee with a sip of soy milk. However, I was not hungry. So, I don’t think I should force it then. I was glad I did not feel the urge to eat at all and also not the urge not to eat. I know contradictory in terms but that is what my life was like, chaotic, and I did not know what I wanted. Not that I am saying in just a few days I have turned a round completely and am fine, but I have learned so much already that I don’t want to look back.
I am sure that I will be facing days that won’t go so well as the last two but that is life and I need to accept that.
Brian had said that it is “ok” if I purge. Well not “ok” in the sense of “Go for it”, but in the sense of not putting myself down if it happens. I should not count the days, I should simply look forward, straight ahead and challenge what I need to face on this path.

Tonight I will see him again.
I still miss him a lot, although he is there for me in a special way. Like, every time I see him it fills me up with hope and security and every time I talk to him I feel like he understands or at least tries to. I am very happy I trusted him and told him about this. Without him I may have not understood what this is all about – sounds like I was holding on to external factors but this is something else: sometimes you need to be pushed towards the better because sometimes you think your eyes are open when they are really not. Like daydreaming.
I miss him though physically. Of course when I see him I wished I could kiss him, touch him or simply take his clothes off, but he is right. It is better if we don’t, although I miss having sex with him a lot. And I never thought I could ever miss sex at all. But I guess we have to sacrifice sometimes for our own good. I need to get better, I need to recover and I guess, I need to be selfish for a while in terms of focussing on myself only.

I try and it is a good feeling sometimes and I guess I need to establish self-confidence to bring myself even further.

Recovery is going her way pushing Bulimia out of the ring. I am fighting her and I will beat her. Whatever it takes, because I want to live.